Psychologist with health anxiety

[Mark501]

Firstly, I'd like to praise the owners of this site and those who use it. Networking is sometimes really helpful. I'm here to essentially 'vent'

I'm a psychologist. I don't practice but I have a PhD, and have been involved in a lot of research. I'm not going to offer anymore a miracle cure, so don't get your hopes up.

I've been suffering from generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), parented by health anxiety, for a few years now. Oh the irony, right? Well all I can say is that doctors get colds too! On a serious note, however, this controls my life, or at least a decent chunk of it before it goes into 'remission'. My health anxiety is the worst. I don't so much freak out over bodily sensations or the odd pimple, rather it's the fear of what isn't causing me symptoms that could be harming me that drives me crazy. The unknown is a terrifying place to be for the HA sufferer. I'll often talk myself into getting tested for things, even if there's a complete absence of rationale behind getting it done. Ring any bells? Borderlining diabetes can show no symptoms. I confirm this from various sources and so therefore believe that I should be tested, because I might have it. No one has proved I don't have it after all - I get tired at times when I normally shouldn't, and drink too much Pepsi - so it's a possibility, no, a likelihood! Now, being someone who understands mental health from a theoretical viewpoint, it doesn't spare me the utter irrationality I possess as a result of my anxiety, and believe me I know it's irrational, but don't we all? I know it's stupid, and I confirm it to myself, but it's an addiction. Just because you know you have a headache doesn't stop it from hurting.

I've spoken to anxiety sufferers, particularly those with OCD. It amazed me to hear from so many sufferers that they choose to live with it, but why? Because of the stigma and desensitisation attached to our condition --' Everyone has their quirks and gets depressed at times', they'd say. But these people coped with their struggles for months and years, without help. One day, I asked an OCD sufferer why they only seeked help 2 yrs later. He simply said 'because I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick and tired I lived with, but not this'.

I have become sick and tired of being sick and tired now. So I very reluctantly procured myself some SSRIs from the doctor, which I hate. Does anyone have that feeling when they wake up, initially contented, but then realises that you can't be happy today because you know the anxiety will kick in at some point, so therefore shouldn't even bother to try being happy? I do. I lived like this for years. It becomes an acceptable habit, a way of life. Lived in perpetual fear of the anxiety itself. Then I found myself getting angry. Angry at the thing holding me back. I soon stopped caring about my condition, but rather grew tired of being so sick and tired, and that's what I am.

I've read a few of your threads. Getting treatment early is good. But for those who read these forums, and feel they can't get help, well I have a personal message for you. Your fears will one day go. But you'd have wasted years of your life before you became sick and tired of being sick and tired. And when that happens, you'll almost involuntarily get the help you always needed.

On the road to recovery. Wish me well. God bless

[Superworrier]

Hey :welcome:Ypu struck a cord with me there I used feel exactly that when I woke up . What's the point in being happy when the Anxiety will coming knocking at some point .

Thank you for your honest post .

[countrygirl]

Brilliant post. I am one of those who have had HA since I was a child and have had every therapy available over the years with improvement only coming now I am middle aged. Because I can see just how much of my life I have wasted worrying over health. I now also realise that I do have alot of genuine medical conditions that cause my a variety of symptoms and I have had these conditions since I was fairly young but would never accept that my symptoms were caused by these conditions that are not life threatening and always was convinced until tests proved otherwise that nothing sinister was causing my symptoms.

I always want to say to everyone - don't waste your life like I have worrying about the what if's, get out there and enjoy it!

[confusedandalone67]

The unknown is a terrifying place to be for the HA sufferer. I'll often talk myself into getting tested for things, even if there's a complete absence of rationale behind getting it done. Ring any bells? Borderlining diabetes can show no symptoms. I confirm this from various sources and so therefore believe that I should be tested, because I might have it. No one has proved I don't have it after all - I get tired at times when I normally shouldn't

I 100% agree. I honestly feel like that is a huge chunk or even the basis of my health anxiety. When I google something it's never exactly the severe symptoms listed that would freak me out, it would be the part where it says something like "some patients show very mild or no symptoms".

In my anxiety ridden mind where logic and common sense fly out the window, I could have it and I don't know it. Then I'll go into how I could have it and overanalyse the smallest mildest symptom that I feel lines up the Disorder/Illness X and correlate that with something awful and way away from what it likely is. (i.e a headache, a rash, an itch etc etc)

I don't consider myself a gullible or uneducated person but my mind invents the most horrific scenarios and I don't fully know why yet.

[Mark501]

I 100% agree. I honestly feel like that is a huge chunk or even the basis of my health anxiety. When I google something it's never exactly the severe symptoms listed that would freak me out, it would be the part where it says something like "some patients show very mild or no symptoms".

In my anxiety ridden mind where logic and common sense fly out the window, I could have it and I don't know it. Then I'll go into how I could have it and overanalyse the smallest mildest symptom that I feel lines up the Disorder/Illness X and correlate that with something awful and way away from what it likely is. (i.e a headache, a rash, an itch etc etc)

I don't consider myself a gullible or uneducated person but my mind invents the most horrific scenarios and I don't fully know why yet.

Yep. It's a nightmare. The thing with health anxiety is that in my opinion it can be worse for people who are deemed "intelligent". I'm not saying that health anxiety is a condition limited to certain degrees of intellect, because that's wrong. But let's say that someone has a career that requires a great degree of analysis; people with those skills who also have health anxiety use their skills to their detriment, in exactly the way you describe.

I find that certain disease obsessions usually cease to bother me when a doctor cares enough to be blunt and honest with me. I had bizarre physiological symptoms many years ago that I had attributed to MS. Was obsessed with it for around a year. One day a doctor told me "tingling sensations on the skin don't go away with MS. Nerves aren't broken one minute and repaired the next", in such a way that made me feel stupid and perhaps slightly insensitive to real MS sufferers. So the obsession stopped.

One day I'll be able to knock the same hard truth into myself.

[confusedandalone67]

But let's say that someone has a career that requires a great degree of analysis; people with those skills who also have health anxiety use their skills to their detriment, in exactly the way you describe.

The worst part about it is the fact it always feels completely real and like something is actually wrong. I'd almost say it's a testament to my own arrogance too that I feel like I'm definitely right and have some god-like knowledge over a doctor or medical science in general, I'm a special case. It's completely self absorbed like that. The horror is something that's really traumatised me and left me in a fit like state and being unable to sleep.

I do blame Google in a way and how it's so easy to abuse. I don't blame the search engine for what it is obviously, it's invaluable for searching for innocent things obviously but it's so easily abused. If you're someone like me, who has little or no medical knowledge and take me to a site where I get a bullet point explanation of cancer, I'm going to freak out over my itch or rash. It can start with something like that. It plays on my mind.

[Pepperpot]

Your post makes sense, and I wish you well on your journey to becoming better x

[Mark501]

Thanks pepperpot

@ confusedandalone

I know exactly how you feel. The Internet is mainly a bleak place for me. Without it I'd inevitably live a more peaceful life. I'd compromise on certain things like playing poker and watching films online, but it'd be worth it!

I understand your point about your perceived arrogance. It's not arrogance, rather it's your way of trying to make sense of something complex that you don't fully understand, and in our case it's disease. In my mind, I feel like I have to remind the doctor about certain aspects about a disease, you know, just in case he forgot or didn't know - as if somehow I'd know better. Arrogance? No. Our minds want to know the facts, and all of them, so we can comfort ourselves. Doctors will rarely go into scientific detail about an illness, especially when he suspects you don't have it, so in a way we feel that knowing the facts ourselves will help us see the light. Defence mechanism, the fruits of that powerful self preservation instinct, sheer desperation. But not arrogance.

[confusedandalone67]

Thanks pepperpot

@ confusedandalone

I know exactly how you feel. The Internet is mainly a bleak place for me. Without it I'd inevitably live a more peaceful life. I'd compromise on certain things like playing poker and watching films online, but it'd be worth it!

I understand your point about your perceived arrogance. It's not arrogance, rather it's your way of trying to make sense of something complex that you don't fully understand, and in our case it's disease. In my mind, I feel like I have to remind the doctor about certain aspects about a disease, you know, just in case he forgot or didn't know - as if somehow I'd know better. Arrogance? No. Our minds want to know the facts, and all of them, so we can comfort ourselves. Doctors will rarely go into scientific detail about an illness, especially when he suspects you don't have it, so in a way we feel that knowing the facts ourselves will help us see the light. Defence mechanism, the fruits of that powerful self preservation instinct, sheer desperation. But not arrogance.

That definitely makes sense to me. I think it might be seeking comfort and control. When I can't find that, then comes panic mode.

[Mark501]

It's my birthday today, and my girlfriend is banning me from my Web browser. Aren't smart phones great? We can research diseases on the go. Any time, any place. Back in the good old days when phones gad rubbish browsers, a computer was your only enemy. Oh well. I'll try to behave myself for a weekend at least

[confusedandalone67]

It's my birthday today, and my girlfriend is banning me from my Web browser. Aren't smart phones great? We can research diseases on the go. Any time, any place. Back in the good old days when phones gad rubbish browsers, a computer was your only enemy. Oh well. I'll try to behave myself for a weekend at least

Happy birthday! Try and keep off them anyway. They're terrible. If I had to make more of an effort to search for things I wouldnt have. Ignorance might be bliss in this case. Have a good weekend