Please help me!

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Everyone.
I hope you are all well.

I am writing this with so many tears running down from my eyes. A massive lump in my throat. I havent eaten for days, and when I manage to fall asleep…I usually wake up at 05.00 am, as I am experiencing a panic attack. I have no where to go, and no one to speak to that even understand the concept of anxiety. So here I am. You guys are the only shoulder I have to lean on, so please bare with me.

I have read many of the posts on this thread, and I truly empathize with you all.
I have also read many posts on various forums about anxiety making you doubt the emotions you feel for ur other half...and those emotions fading..this must be one of the most terrifying emotions. I respect you all so much, and the battle you are going through.

For me, I am the partner of an individual who has anxiety. The reason why I am writing here is because I am mentally exhausted of trying to rationalize his behaviour to myself and trying to comfort myself when truly… I do not know whether I am kidding myself or not.

Me and my other half met 4 years ago. I can honestly say he is a very very different person from anyone I have ever met before. When we first met, we were 21 and from the moment he saw me, he was totally and completely in love with me. I did not feel the same, as it takes me a long time to feel strongly for someone. But, he did not ever want to stop trying. He kept going and going until I realised how in love with him I actually was. We were at university at the time, and I was an international student. Summer came along and I had to go back home for the summer holidays, which lasted from may until october. During that time, I was completely devoted and now loved him with all my soul. He has always been my first relationship and I have always been his. It was during this time I realised how much of a different person he really is. Before I continue, when we first met he told me that a few years ago he started university in another city prior to coming to the one we both went to. However, whilst being there he felt so out of his comfort zone, he stated that he could not relate to any of the people there as they were not the same origin as him and he felt like an outsider. Usually a person may feel like that for a while but then adapt to their environment, however he could not do this. He instead had a major anxiety attack and it resulted him having to move back home (where his comfort zone is).

Through out our relationship, I can honestly say that I have tried very very hard to be the best girlfriend I could have ever been. Any time his anxiey strikes up, I have been there for him without a doubt. I actually feel priveledged to be there for him and help him. However, through our relationship he has cheated on me (when I went back for the summer holidays). He is very very influenced by his friends, and his friends used to do similar things to their other halfs because they were young and dumb. So even when my boyfriend thought it was a bad idea, he would do it because he did not want to be different. I forgave him because I loved him so much.

The current issues of our relationship is that every so often he will say to me that he does not feel as strong for me as he has before. This is, according to him, due to the fact that we do not “click”. He feels this way because he has a very hard time adapting to people unless they are very very similar to him and from the same origin. The basis of our relationship is good, we have mutual respect, trust and love. But once in a year he will bring up the issue that we do not click. When I see him, he genuienely does not make an effort to even talk much at all. When you meet anyone, you bring up conversation and you speak. He does not do this. He says “I just don’t know what to say to u”. It has been the same at his previous and current job. He states that the people there are very different and he just “does not know what to say to them”. I am very different, I can blend in with anyone and just talk about anything, which is what you do. But for some reason he does not seem to have that ability at all.

He is extremely immature as an individual and I can honestly say very selfish as well. I think he is deep down battling anxiety, as he always finds faults in everything, he is scared of several things (motorways, lifts, airplanes, claustrophobic) etc etc. However he does not recognize that his doubts are due to his anxieties. He does not understand that the important qualities of a partner is that they are loving and caring and supportive and you can rely on them whatever happens. I have been all that and even more. He will instead say stuff like “I want to be with a girl that I can have conversations with for days non stop and never get bored”. I find that very unrealistic after being with someone for years, because it is natural not to always have something to say to eachother. Bare in mind, his doubts mainly occur when we speak about marriag. We have both always wanted to get married, however every time it comes to it he expresses these doubts. I have told him that we don’t have to be together if that is how he feels. He says he never wants to let me go, he wants to be with me and get married to me but he has doubts as we do not “click”. I have realised that he has unrealistic expectations of love, job environment and life in general. He always need to be on this “hype” where everything is constantly fun and constantly wild.

So now I am sat here. Baffled…I don’t know how to analyse this situation or what to do. I feel awful after hearing his feelings arent as strong. Every time this happens, my self esteem goes down the drain and I feel like im not good enough for him. I feel like he will leave me and find this fun girl (even though I think I am fun) and live happily ever after and itll just turn out that the fault was always in me. Because there are things I lack. God knows, that I have supported that man every step of the way. I do everything for him. Im not saying that because I am trying to make myself sound great but it is true. And I have supported him because I love him so much.

How do I make him realise that I am a good partner and my good qualities…? How do I make him see that THAT is the important stuff in a relationship?

Please….I am begging you all..You are all going through anxeity just like he is…Can you please make sense of this for me. There are so many other things about him and his behaviour I have forgotten to include. But please someone help me.

Thank you.

[jayb1]

Don't know if what I'm going to say will be any help but here goes. I think all of us with anxiety disorders can become selfish we get so wrapped up in our own world of "poor me" and forget about how it upsets those who love us. I had my mum break down in tears yesterday saying she wanted her daughter back because I have become a different person . it was horrible. Maybe he doesn't realise how selfish he's become. All his hype and wanting to do exciting things , I think, are a way to mask his anxieties he hasn't accepted he has a problem and needs help. Bizarre idea but get him to read your post it could be just the wake up call he needs. Good luck.

[Pepperpot]

Hi
I wanted to put my thoughts across too.
Regardless of whether he has anxiety or not, what he is doing is very selfish, and you don't deserve it. He can sit there all he likes and blame everything on anxiety, but that is not acceptable. Personally, you should move on and let him work out when you've gone what your good qualities are. Sorry, but you only live once.
Take care x

[swgrl09]

I want to give you so much credit for being so supportive of him. Honestly, it sounds like a lot of his expectations for a relationship are unrealistic, like you said yourself - having conversations and never getting bored? That doesn't happen if you are with somebody for a long time! I think his expectations for a relationship are something unrelated to the anxiety. I have anxiety, but that doesn't keep me from recognizing the wonderful qualities in my husband - even when we get on each others nerves.

You deserve somebody who sees your good qualities regardless. Anxiety doesn't have to take that ability away from somebody. There is no shame if you decide that this isn't for you.

[Fishmanpa]

Certainly those with severe anxiety can attest to the difficulties of living with an illness that is often debilitating. Likewise, being in a relationship with someone suffering from mental illness can be equally difficult.

My ex-wife (tells you what happened) suffers from severe depression which manifested itself into hoarding (she's doing better now 15 years after our divorce). I can't tell you how difficult it was watching the woman I once loved turn into someone I didn't know and ultimately didn't want to know any more. The toll it took on our children (my daughter suffers from anxiety and depression) and myself was high.

To keep this short... You're young and not married. There are many things you said in your post that are plainly pointing to the inevitable. There really is no making sense of a senseless situation. What's more important is your happiness and health. You cannot make anyone do what their not willing to do. That's just the way it is.

Heartbreak and breakups are hard but I can tell you from experience, you do get over it and the right "one" does and will come along.

Positive thoughts

[shelzmike]

Very interesting post. I will first start out by saying that I am a firm believer that any cheating at all is such a horrid breach of trust that it is so very hard to recover that trust once again. You sound like a caring and good person who is stuck. The very fact that you have come to this forum and posted your emotional plea shows you level of commitment to this relationship.

That being said, it should be noted that we are not a distinctly different type of people. I am not saying that is what you are inferring, but we should never use our anxiety disorder as an excuse for bad behavior and treating others, especially those we are supposed to love, poorly. It additionally should not be used as an excuse for us. What I mean is that no one should say, "oh, well they are acting disingenuous or hurtful but it is not their fault because i know they are suffering with anxiety". There is a difference between "understanding" and being a victim.

It takes a strong person to live with anxiety disorder on a daily basis, but I would venture to say it takes an even stronger one to love them.

As I mentioned before, our anxiety does not (or at least should not) define us. We are still people and have our own personalities that are distinctly separate from our anxiety disorder. Why this is important is because based on your post, I see both sides of your description of your significant other but you seem to be attributing it all to anxiety. For instance, the being afraid of motorways, lifts, airplanes, etc. Those are anxiety related for sure and someone who is in a relationship with an anxiety sufferer should be able to accept and deal with that, but conditionally I think. A very large part of our healing rests solely on our own shoulders. It is very possible to alleviate or learn to live with these fears, but we must bear the burden of taking the steps forward to do so. We should not expect our anxieties to stop our significant others from living life! If you are the type who can accept these nuances and love him in spite of them, fantastic! However, he has some level of responsibility as well - part of his motivation for working to get better, in spite of the terror it causes at time, should be his love for you. If he is not even trying to work through the issues at all and merely living the daily status quo, then I would say this is being quite selfish.

A few questions, before I forget - how long have you been together now and what are your ages? What is your current living situation and job/financial situation. That is about as personal as I am interested to get but I think it is important to anything else I can add, as I am already assuming a lot.

I am sorry I have this opinion, but anyone who tells someone they are supposed to love that they just aren't feeling it anymore is a bit like emotional abuse quite honestly and if someone has the propensity to do so now, without recognition and work to change those behaviors, they will only get worse. No one deserves this.

Now, I will say...age could have some part to play in this. What I mean is that, as someone else has suggested, that your generation has grown up with grandiose and unrealistic expectations of what love is supposed to feel like and due to the way human emotions and hormones work, there is a change - no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I do not mean one falls out of love with someone so easily for if they do, the initial feeling most likely wasn't love. As you mentioned, your feelings may have been set better since you took your time, whereas he didn't. Expecting to feel that spark, that tense energy, unable to think about anything else feeling from day 1 to eternity is horribly misguided and flat out not how it works. It is still love all the same as time goes by, but it just feels different. Interpreting that as a lack of love and caring should not be done, at least not necessarily.

I do feel you are at a critical point though. It sounds as though you have a lot to offer and should be appreciated for that. On that note, have to talked to him about your feelings in the same exact way you have done here? That is absolutely step one. Just ignoring it, hoping it will get better, especially if he has anxiety disorder he is not taking care of, will never work out.

Do be understanding that anxiety can be a horrible, very terrifying illness, and can be difficult to overcome - especially taking those first steps. If you love him as much as you say you do and not just wanting to not change or feel guilty or like you are giving up then you owe it to both of you to not waste anymore time. I strongly believe that an underlying anxiety disorder can cause a lot of the problems you are describing and perhaps letting him know that you are worried you won't last unless he at least gets assessed for an anxiety disorder and make steps towards doing something to help himself, which will in turn help your relationship. Do not make empty threats though. Don't say things like "if you don't get help for anxiety, then we are done." This will not work. However, if this is how you feel truly, then by all means say it and stick to it. The balance between caring for others but also looking out for and sticking up for yourself is a very delicate and tricky one. I cannot advise any further on that.

I wish you the best, regardless of what happens.

Mike

[Scaredlady]

Hi.

I am going to say what I THINK but that doesn't mean that what I say is right, factual or even fair, however you have openly asked for opinions and I will give you mine.

It seems that you are very supportive to him and have grown over the years to perhaps put him before yourself sometimes. To me it also seems that he is very much aware of your devotion and desire to constantly appease him that he for whatever reason then manipulates your kindness and takes you for granted.

You have been together a number of years but every once in a while he tells you that he doesn't think the pair of you 'click'... That doesn't sound like anxiety to me, that sounds like someone who wants to have his cake and eat it and all on HIS terms.

Telling you that he 'wants to be with a girl who...' he should be content with the girl he has. To be honest this all sounds quite emotionally abusive to me, I have had experience of being in love with a man like this in the past. He is in essence implying that A) You bore him. B) He thinks he can do better than you. C) It is all of your fault. D) He might stay with you if you live by his rules.

Ridiculous- Arrogant- Selfish- Egotistical: That is how he sounds to me. I read your post and instantly my heart went out to you- He is actually putting you down with some of his remarks, remarks that are offensive, hurtful and immature.

We are ALL different but that doesn't mean we go into ANY situation in life and refuse to engage with others based on their differences- If we all had that mentality no one would ever communicate again. It is almost as if he has created some sort of fantasy in his head where everyone and everything has to live up to his unrealistic and childish expectations. Please do not doubt yourself as a woman, a human being or a girlfriend- His doubts should not be forced upon you.

I am honestly annoyed at some of the things he has said to you and I don't even know you; Picture perfect does NOT exist and if that is what he is craving then he will end up a very lonely person indeed.

To be honest I wouldn't push it if I was you- Think about yourself, your needs, your dreams. Do you really want to spend the next how ever long giving your time to a man who at some given point very possibly could turn around and say 'Sorry but I can do better!'??

It sounds as if it's heading that way because he blatantly has an over inflated sense of his own self importance but I dare say he is no more important than any of the rest of us.

Good Luck to you sincerely and please NEVER let any man convince you that you're not as good as anyone else. I hope my comments haven't offended you, I just wanted to try offer some honest advice.

[Walkingonglass]

Wow...You guys are amazing. Reading these posts changed my mood and it made me feel better in my own skin.

I hope it is okay that I explain his behaviour further..It is so hard for me to talk to friends about this so I turn to you. And seeing these responses has really showed me that there are truly kind people out there.

I think when I described him, I made him sound more "evil" than he is. Like I mentioned earlier on, he is VERY different to anyone I have ever met before. Honestly his personality really baffles me. I know from my previous post he sounds horrible...but in reality he isn't. He is actually one of the most kindest people I have ever met. I know it sounds crazy from what I wrote before. His behaviours are selfish...but they are selfish in the way a child would be selfish. His behaviours are very alike a childs. He craves to be taken care of. To be held, and nurtured (and I am naturally a nurturing person..I have always loved taking care of people. My occupation is mental health support worker). When he speaks, he will say something and he won't realise that it may be hurtful. Much like a child, just comes out with it without knowing it may hurt someone. When he realises it has, he will feel extremely guilty. He has never been abusive or told me I am not good enough. On the contrary, often when we have these issues he will always say that the fault is within him and I am "perfect" (I'm no where near it...but thats his words). He is full of fear. Oh God...Full of them. He always thinks of the worst case scenario whatever happens.

He has seen many failed marriages in his life. Mainly his sisters and his best friends. I have been together with him for 4,5 years and I know this has impacted him deeply. He is scared that it will go sour for him too. The unrealistic expectations do not help at all. The fact that he does not understand that these are unrealistic helps even less. For example, he feels like everything should always be on a "hype". Again, childlike behaviour because children are often in constant excitement. Everything he does has to be fun and crazy. For example, he had a job which was an OK job. However he often had panic attacks because he worked with people who weren't alike him in behaviour so he did not feel like he could relate to them. He also said the environment is boring and not "buzzing" enough. He expected people to be going from office to office, socialising with anyone and everyone (imagine american TV show)..Now you tell me...Realistic? I used to console him every day when he had that job, and I tried explaining to him that No job is perfect. I love my job, but that does not mean that I love my co-workers or that my job is constant fun. But you get on with it, why? Because you realise that its not realistic!! Its like his brain looks for faults. I have known him for years and I can honestly say he has always been worried about something.

But yeah, it is very hard to describe him. He is like a case study. I do not know enough about his upbringing to determine anything but I have always had the feeling that he has been deprived from nurture. He's mainly grown up on the street with his friends. He always wants to be liked, wants to be like all his friends, wants to be accepted...tried to be a clown for people to laugh at him and like him. Im not trying to defend him honestly, because I know he is not perfect at all. But, he is not malicious either. Not at all. Some people you can just tell are malicious and they try their hardest to make you feel crap about yourself. He will never do that. He is just...a child..I guess. I don't even know.

I just don't know what to do with the situation. I don't know how to make him understand that his expectations are not realistic. And mostly, I do not know how NOT to talk it personal. Because every time he tells me he does not feel strong feelings for me any longer, I become a wreck and I start doubting myself. I always think "what if one day he actually leaves me and find someone who he always has fun with and is amazing", and that is my biggest fear because that will mean that I WAS THE FAULT :'( No matter what happens though, he never seems to wanna leave me. He will never ever say "i want to break up". Even when I have given him chances, he will never leave me. That must mean that he knows deep down that he may regret it?

So sorry to be all over the place with this...I have felt so awful today and I cannot stop crying. But I am so thankful I have this outlet and that some amazing individuals out there to respond. God bless you all.

[Fishmanpa]

Ummm... that actually didn't really help his case ;) The infidelity would have been it for me anyway. IMO... some time apart would be beneficial for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Scaredlady]

Ummm... that actually didn't really help his case ;) The infidelity would have been it for me anyway. IMO... some time apart would be beneficial for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have to agree with this!!!!

You refer to him as 'like a child', but how many of us can easily reason with children? There's for the most part threats of tantrums and melt downs but with kids that is normal and parents learn the techniques to cope with children BUT this is a man (even if he's still in his 20's).

If your boyfriend has childlike 'qualities' how can you ever be confident in his abilities to make adult decisions?

He has cheated on you- Told you he has doubts about your relationship- Is impressionable when it comes to his friends- Can' t hold down a job because his co-workers aren't Batman and Robin and judging solely on what you have said he has no filter when it comes to emotional responses.

It is brilliant that you are so supportive of him and while I fully support that quality in any person, I don't believe anyone should act as an emotional crutch for someone else because in the long term people become dependant on the constant reassurance and that is in my opinion detrimental to any relationship.

I think sometimes 'tough love' is necessary. You are his girlfriend, not his mother. He is a man regardless of his anxieties, not a toddler. I accept that ALOT (but not all) of men are 'taken care of' in respect of cooking, cleaning etc by their respective partners but I think there should be a line.

You said earlier his behaviour affects your self esteem... that really should sound the alarm bells for you.

You will never be able to make a child fully understand an adult's way of thinking... and in your words he is a child in many respects.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work out what is right for you.

[Pepperpot]

He sounds too much hard work to me - like a child trapped in a mans body. x

[confusedandalone67]

I think it's always easier for a stranger to say "dump him" but I can sense how complicated this is for you because you love him. My anxiety and my relationship has been murky lately too. I can take responsibility for promising to see a therapist and not doing it yet but if my bf held that over me as an ultimatum, that would be abusive in my eyes because I have battled this.. and here's my next point

It is NEVER okay to hold your anxiety as an excuse to treat people badly. His anxiety disorder did not make him cheat on you. What I've realised about anxiety is that it's a disease of thoughts, not actions. We still have self control. We're obsessed with control in fact!

Next point

If he's staying in his comfort zone too often then he's not actively combatting or fighting his anxiety disorder. This is a scary thing where you need to be extremely PROACTIVE about it.

If he thinks relationships should be like John Green films in his twenties, he needs a reality check. You're a human being with needs, feelings, flaws like everyone else, even him. He is lucky to have someone as caring and nurturing and protective as you. We're difficult. When I had my recent attack, my bf stuck by me and supported me and I owe him the world. A lesser man would have left me and been completely freaked out. I think you're boyfriend has majorly screwed up in cheating and taking you for granted by the sounds of it

Like someone mentioned before we are NOT victims, we have a disorder and we have to be brave and battle and take responsibility for it. No one can cure us or treat us unless WE make it happen. Remember that. Unfortunately no amount of nurturing can change that :(