I don't think I want to be here anymore

[elik]

I think this is the worst I've ever been. I think I'm headed for complete destruction. I am trying so hard to be everything I want to be but I cant and I really hate myself more than words can describe. There's no future for me and no chance of me leading a normal life or being remotely happy. This may sound dramatic but it's realistic. 12 years of this and I have never been able to just enjoy life. I can't explain how miserable I am. Watching people live their life at my age and not having to suffer consequences is making me reel with jealousy. I have tried EVERYTHING to make things better but no, this continues to control my life and push me to make terrible choices and more reasons for me to hate myself. I don't want to be me, I don't want to be associated with MYSELF. I've always been treated like a push over but I deserve to be treated like shit because I am a complete loser and if people knew my thought processes and lies etc that my anxiety has manipulated out of me they would run a mile. I am going to be a lonely screwed up mess forever. As I get older it's going to get harder as people are less forgiving as you age. I hold on to the past because all I've got behind me is a blur of hell so what can I look forward to when I currently feel like I should end it now. I just want to throw myself in front of a bus I hate myself so much so so much. You may say I will get better. Yes, yes I may, but for how long. It's evident that this is something embedded in me so there's no answer and I don't want that life. Where he advice on that ? There really is no help available and I don't even think I deserve it

[shakey1961]

First of all, take a deep breath and SLOW down.

I've been through very rough times but I've come out of the other side. Yes there was light at the end of the tunnel and NO it wasn't the train coming the other way, though sometimes I felt it was!

Whenever you read this message, especially if it's when the doctors is shut, just be content in thinking, "well for the next few hours, there is nothing I can do to change my situation at this minute, but later I can get some help, so for the time being I need to sit tight and know nothing bad will happen no matter how crap I feel"

Obviously, if you feel you need to call 111 or 999 then do so, that's what it's there for so use the service.

If it helps, please feel free to send me a private message and I'll reply to you - promise.

As they say - today could be the first day of the rest of your life.

[Dan1975]

I think this is the worst I've ever been. I think I'm headed for complete destruction. I am trying so hard to be everything I want to be but I cant and I really hate myself more than words can describe. There's no future for me and no chance of me leading a normal life or being remotely happy. This may sound dramatic but it's realistic. 12 years of this and I have never been able to just enjoy life. I can't explain how miserable I am. Watching people live their life at my age and not having to suffer consequences is making me reel with jealousy. I have tried EVERYTHING to make things better but no, this continues to control my life and push me to make terrible choices and more reasons for me to hate myself. I don't want to be me, I don't want to be associated with MYSELF. I've always been treated like a push over but I deserve to be treated like shit because I am a complete loser and if people knew my thought processes and lies etc that my anxiety has manipulated out of me they would run a mile. I am going to be a lonely screwed up mess forever. As I get older it's going to get harder as people are less forgiving as you age. I hold on to the past because all I've got behind me is a blur of hell so what can I look forward to when I currently feel like I should end it now. I just want to throw myself in front of a bus I hate myself so much so so much. You may say I will get better. Yes, yes I may, but for how long. It's evident that this is something embedded in me so there's no answer and I don't want that life. Where he advice on that ? There really is no help available and I don't even think I deserve it

Hi, sorry to hear u r feeling so low. R u on any medication? Sounds like u should be. Perhaps try venlafaxine which I found great, plus some act therapy.

[Scaredlady]

Hi you.

What's this about 'people are less forgiving...', no one can forgive anyone anything unless they learn to forgive themselves first.

You are clearly having a hard time, so you don't need anyone's forgiveness for that. What you do need though is to learn to forgive and accept yourself.

I have many flaws and faults, as does every other human being in this world, no one is perfect and no one has a picture perfect existence.

You sound very worked up and frustrated and that's OK because we all feel like that at times.

I don't know you or the extent of your anxiety but I do know for a fact that many many people are in the same boat. You don't need to drown alone- there are people who will happily offer support/advice or even just a chat when you need to vent. I know you think advice won't help, but maybe just having a platform to discuss your worries would go some way to help?

You say you're 'trying so hard' to be 'everything' you want to be; That could be part of the problem- don't focus on the 'wants' just concentrate on the 'haves'.

You have a life, you have ambitions I am sure and wishes for the future... so why throw any of that away in a heated moment of tension?

I am in a terrible mess myself with 'acute anxiety' but I still want to live my life. I have difficult relationships with people who are in my life- I have a past where I made many mistakes and still suffer the consequences from those mistakes today. I look at other people's lives and then compare their supposedly great luck with my own miserable luck but that's all OK because I accept that everyone has a different life path.

I genuinely hope you will start thinking of living and stop being so hard on yourself. Feel free to private message me anytime, we might be strangers but that doesn't mean we can't try to lessen other people's burdens with a kind ear.

Best wishes.

[xBettyBoopx]

I think this is the worst I've ever been. I think I'm headed for complete destruction. I am trying so hard to be everything I want to be but I cant and I really hate myself more than words can describe. There's no future for me and no chance of me leading a normal life or being remotely happy. This may sound dramatic but it's realistic. 12 years of this and I have never been able to just enjoy life. I can't explain how miserable I am. Watching people live their life at my age and not having to suffer consequences is making me reel with jealousy. I have tried EVERYTHING to make things better but no, this continues to control my life and push me to make terrible choices and more reasons for me to hate myself. I don't want to be me, I don't want to be associated with MYSELF. I've always been treated like a push over but I deserve to be treated like shit because I am a complete loser and if people knew my thought processes and lies etc that my anxiety has manipulated out of me they would run a mile. I am going to be a lonely screwed up mess forever. As I get older it's going to get harder as people are less forgiving as you age. I hold on to the past because all I've got behind me is a blur of hell so what can I look forward to when I currently feel like I should end it now. I just want to throw myself in front of a bus I hate myself so much so so much. You may say I will get better. Yes, yes I may, but for how long. It's evident that this is something embedded in me so there's no answer and I don't want that life. Where he advice on that ? There really is no help available and I don't even think I deserve it

I know how you feel coz I feel exactly the same! I've been in this misery since I was a teenager and I am now 58, I'm so pi**ed off I can't even explain how I feel.
I'm very sorry that your life is this way too and I hope and pray that it does get better. :hugs:
:hugs:

[elik]

Thank you for your responses, it does a lot to know people are listening :)

The frustrating thing is, I know full well that I need to forgive and learn to like myself in order for people to start feeling that way about me too, but I just don't know how. I've gone beyond that, I don't know how to get near to feeling that way and that's what scares me. Honestly feels like I have two voices. A voice of reason and then a constant voice that fights it. I have the most conflicting mind it's absolutely destroying. I feel like there's no control or calm existent in my mind. The worst thing is, is when I im like this, every insecurity or issues of mine gets worse and then it all becomes so unmanageable that I feel I'm going to explode. My physical health is taking a beating. I'm suffering from palpitations, dizziness, extreme exhaustion and tension aching and headaches. I'm falling apart

[crystal17]

You're not alone, I feel exactly the same and it sucks :weep: Don't understand how some people are so happy, feels so foreign to me.

Anyway, just wanted to say I get it and you're not in that place alone.

[theharvestmouse]

I felt like this today driving home from work. I feel like life is grinding me down, as the years pass it feels like it's getting more difficult to keep going and not give up. I do have some reasons for being positive but when I'm down I can only think of all the negative thoughts. I sometimes feel like I'm a suicide statistic waiting to happen, and feel like whatever I do it's inevitable that one day that day will come when I give up on life.

[silver blaze]

Yeah life if you call it a life for me is one long struggle

[elik]

I feel for you all, I honestly do. I just feel like I'm so absorbed by it that I'm missing out and that puts further stress and anxiety on me so its never ending vicious cycle! :( I hate that days are about surviving rather than living