Going back to where it all started, I'm so scared!

[Juicemeister]

Hey everyone! I'm new here, read a lot of others posts and got to say it's comforting to know I'm not suffering alone and that there's others out there that will get where I'm coming from!

Trying to cut a long story short, 11 years ago I went on a day trip with a friend to London. We were having an amazing time. Then out of no where I had my first Anxiety attack. I had no idea what was happening to me and it was one of the scariest moments of life! Over the next few months they'd happen around 10 times a day and I became Agoraphobic & confined to just my bedroom, going to the loo which was literally outside my bedroom door was such a task in itself! It's been 11 years now, over that time I have managed to work out most my "triggers" had two children and even walk them to school everyday! I can go places as long as there is a car nearby just encase. I still have my bad days I don't know if it's something that will ever go away.

Anyway, I've finally taken the plunge and booked a hotel with my Partner and eldest son to go back to London and stay next to the London eye for a weekend in February. It's just down the road from where it all started and I feel like going back there is something I need to face before I can progress anymore.

I am soooooo petrified! London is 3 hours away from my home, so there will be no quick escape. I guess I wondered if anyone else has done something like this or if anyone has any advice or opinions on the matter? I'm excited and I hope I can show my son London. I just don't know if I'm pushing myself too hard?

Thanks guys :bighug1:

[Oosh]

Associations with the time and place it happens is huge. Mine happened one night, Tuesday 9.09pm in my bedroom at home. I feared I'd lost my mind for a year afterwards. For years I didn't want to return to my home town, never mind my parents house, never mind that bedroom and regularly had nightmares about waking up in that bedroom. But I eventually did go back and now go regularly and always sleep in THAT bedroom. The associations are gone. You need to face it, see the reality of the place and make new associations. Go and make friends with the place and show yourself the place is your friend and that the place was never the problem.

When you're there work at seeing it in lots of different new ways and notice new things that can help make it all something new and different for you.

[shelzmike]

Mindset, mindset, mindset - from your post, it is clear that London posed no actual threat to you. Clearly you know now it was a panic attack and your body was telling you that it was a threat, but it was not. The first one, not knowing, and being caught off guard, it is understandable that you felt you had to escape.

However, you mentioned that it is 3 hours from your home and there is no quick escape..ask yourself "escape from what?" London? If that is the answer, it is not the right one, for there is no actual danger, only the fear of the panic attacks, which as you have learned I am sure is not an actual threat; rather, it is very uncomfortable and we don't like it but we must focus on the fact that a.) we have had panic attacks plenty in the past and we have made it through, b.) we don't like it, but if we don't fight against it then it will be over soon.

Finally, what you are experiencing of course is anticipatory anxiety. There is mounting scientific evidence that anticipatory anxiety originates from a completely different part of our brain and is not the same mechanism that causes actual panic and anxiety. What this means is that something like 90-95% of the time the situational anxiety is not near as bad as our anticipatory anxiety was.

This is a hard thing to deal with, but knowing this helps me at least. I have been in the same situation as you though but I will say that I just went for a week long vacation with my family about a month ago to the beach about 6 hours away. I had significant anticipatory anxiety beforehand, but didn't want to let my family down at all so that was my motivation to make the trip. Turns out, as I mentioned, while I did have anxiety, it was not even close to the horror my anticipation made me feel was impending.

While there, I had very little anxiety and it was so relaxing. I did have more anxiety start to build the night before we had to go back which just goes to show that the anticipation was once again telling me to worry even though I had just made the same exact trip 7 days prior.