MamaB
23-10-15, 13:56
Hi! I'm new here. This is the first time I've come across this website and my first post. I woke up this morning with the feeling of dread because I have been constantly checking my body for lumps or growths for the past several weeks. It is exhausting. Every time I find something new or something I find on one side of my body and not the other, I get sick at my stomach and very depressed and starting scouring the Internet for answers I never, ever like. It's completely consuming my life.
It all started 3 years ago when I first became pregnant. I was so excited and joyful, and then sadly my world came crashing down. I started having what I thought was a miscarriage. I was sitting at home alone bawling when all of a sudden I had this feeling rush over me I have NEVER felt before. Dizzy, couldn't breathe, warm sensations raging through body, tingling on one side, etc. My husband rushed home and took me straight to the ER. I told the ER doc my symptoms and he did a number of tests. Blood work, a CT scan, and EKG, ultrasound of my left leg, a pelvic exam, ultrasound of my uterus. He came back and told me I was having a panic attack as a result of my miscarriage. I had asked that doctor if it was possible to be having an ectopic pregnancy (which is life threatening) and he said that wasn't what was happening.
Fast forward 12 hours later. I am at a new OBGYN's office for an appointment I had originally scheduled to confirm my pregnancy. I told him about what had happened and he had his ultrasound tech perform an ultrasound and within seconds saw that it WAS an ectopic pregnancy. That's when a fertilized egg attaches outside of the uterus (for me it was my Fallopian tubes) and can burst and cause infertility and even death. At this moment I knew it was God intervening by sending me this new doctor I refer to as my angel now. He admitted me into the hospital to be treated. A lot of people have to have surgery to remove he ectopic, but luckily I was able to take a drug that would "clear it out." This also caused me great distress. Although my baby never developed into more than a bunch of cells and was slowing dying, it was still a human life, my baby, and I had to take a medication to kill it in order to save my life. That's one thing I'll never get over.
After I'm released from the hospital I go home and start having major panic attacks. They were all so new to me and I really thought I was dying. I was put on some mess, but nothing really worked. It was constant all day, every day for. Long time.
To make matters worse, at this time I was working as a medical malpractice paralegal. I was working on cases where our firm defended doctors who messed up and did major damage. I never thought I would be one of these people who was misdiagnosed and that it could have very easily cost me my life. I never thought about dying young. I always imagined my life when I was in my 80s with my grand or great grand kids. This made me realize that nobody is guaranteed another day and that to me is very scary.
After all of this I had to go to counseling and I had to quit my job. The counselor diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. I've had OCD my whole life, but it was more of me touching things over and over, not obsessing over my health.
It took me a while to move past this traumatic event (I'll never get over it) and be ready to try again for another baby. Once you have one ectopic, it's more likely for you to have more or have issues getting pregnant. I was terrified that God had saved me and I was putting myself into harms way again. I had consulted with my "Angel doctor" and he treated my like a VIP and still does. I could text him day or night and he would answer me which is exactly what I needed.
I became pregnant again on the first try and other than a few scares everything turned out well. I was worried the whole time about losing my baby or something being wrong with her, but interestingly I only had 1 panic attack during my entire pregnancy and it was only after a small fender bender.
Fast forward to now. I'm laying beside my beautiful 15 month old daughter and my anxiety/panic attacks are back in full swing. Now I'm obsessed with my own body and terrified I'm going to die young and leave her without a mother. I'm a stay-at-home mom and she is incredibly attached to me. All I can think about is if I'm not around there will be nobody to comfort her like I can and she will just cry and be confused forever.
I've recently had some health issues. I found a lump in my breast and pretty much went into full panic mode. I'm only 31 years old, but my grandmother died from breast cancer and BC doesn't care how old you are. I had blood work all come back normal, mammogram and ultrasound both normal. I went to see a general surgeon and he thinks the lump is due to breastfeeding (I'm still nursing) and we are on a watch and wait for 3 months. If you have HA you know how terrible waiting can be. I'm also terrified that I have lymphoma. I have a few of the symptoms and it doesn't show up on blood work so that doesn't help me. I just recently had several lumps pop up all over my body. The general surgeon said they were nothing to worry about, but I can't help but wonder if he is wrong. I keep examining my body and find new stuff to worry about and re-evaluate old findings I had mentally okayed. I also am on google looking up my findings all day.
I just want to enjoy my time with my baby I prayed so hard for and not worry about the what-ifs, but it's incredibly difficult to do.
I'm sorry for the long post. I just wanted to tell my story and hopefully someone can give me some advice with how to cope.
It all started 3 years ago when I first became pregnant. I was so excited and joyful, and then sadly my world came crashing down. I started having what I thought was a miscarriage. I was sitting at home alone bawling when all of a sudden I had this feeling rush over me I have NEVER felt before. Dizzy, couldn't breathe, warm sensations raging through body, tingling on one side, etc. My husband rushed home and took me straight to the ER. I told the ER doc my symptoms and he did a number of tests. Blood work, a CT scan, and EKG, ultrasound of my left leg, a pelvic exam, ultrasound of my uterus. He came back and told me I was having a panic attack as a result of my miscarriage. I had asked that doctor if it was possible to be having an ectopic pregnancy (which is life threatening) and he said that wasn't what was happening.
Fast forward 12 hours later. I am at a new OBGYN's office for an appointment I had originally scheduled to confirm my pregnancy. I told him about what had happened and he had his ultrasound tech perform an ultrasound and within seconds saw that it WAS an ectopic pregnancy. That's when a fertilized egg attaches outside of the uterus (for me it was my Fallopian tubes) and can burst and cause infertility and even death. At this moment I knew it was God intervening by sending me this new doctor I refer to as my angel now. He admitted me into the hospital to be treated. A lot of people have to have surgery to remove he ectopic, but luckily I was able to take a drug that would "clear it out." This also caused me great distress. Although my baby never developed into more than a bunch of cells and was slowing dying, it was still a human life, my baby, and I had to take a medication to kill it in order to save my life. That's one thing I'll never get over.
After I'm released from the hospital I go home and start having major panic attacks. They were all so new to me and I really thought I was dying. I was put on some mess, but nothing really worked. It was constant all day, every day for. Long time.
To make matters worse, at this time I was working as a medical malpractice paralegal. I was working on cases where our firm defended doctors who messed up and did major damage. I never thought I would be one of these people who was misdiagnosed and that it could have very easily cost me my life. I never thought about dying young. I always imagined my life when I was in my 80s with my grand or great grand kids. This made me realize that nobody is guaranteed another day and that to me is very scary.
After all of this I had to go to counseling and I had to quit my job. The counselor diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. I've had OCD my whole life, but it was more of me touching things over and over, not obsessing over my health.
It took me a while to move past this traumatic event (I'll never get over it) and be ready to try again for another baby. Once you have one ectopic, it's more likely for you to have more or have issues getting pregnant. I was terrified that God had saved me and I was putting myself into harms way again. I had consulted with my "Angel doctor" and he treated my like a VIP and still does. I could text him day or night and he would answer me which is exactly what I needed.
I became pregnant again on the first try and other than a few scares everything turned out well. I was worried the whole time about losing my baby or something being wrong with her, but interestingly I only had 1 panic attack during my entire pregnancy and it was only after a small fender bender.
Fast forward to now. I'm laying beside my beautiful 15 month old daughter and my anxiety/panic attacks are back in full swing. Now I'm obsessed with my own body and terrified I'm going to die young and leave her without a mother. I'm a stay-at-home mom and she is incredibly attached to me. All I can think about is if I'm not around there will be nobody to comfort her like I can and she will just cry and be confused forever.
I've recently had some health issues. I found a lump in my breast and pretty much went into full panic mode. I'm only 31 years old, but my grandmother died from breast cancer and BC doesn't care how old you are. I had blood work all come back normal, mammogram and ultrasound both normal. I went to see a general surgeon and he thinks the lump is due to breastfeeding (I'm still nursing) and we are on a watch and wait for 3 months. If you have HA you know how terrible waiting can be. I'm also terrified that I have lymphoma. I have a few of the symptoms and it doesn't show up on blood work so that doesn't help me. I just recently had several lumps pop up all over my body. The general surgeon said they were nothing to worry about, but I can't help but wonder if he is wrong. I keep examining my body and find new stuff to worry about and re-evaluate old findings I had mentally okayed. I also am on google looking up my findings all day.
I just want to enjoy my time with my baby I prayed so hard for and not worry about the what-ifs, but it's incredibly difficult to do.
I'm sorry for the long post. I just wanted to tell my story and hopefully someone can give me some advice with how to cope.