View Full Version : Feeling so low and don't know what to try next
Hi all,
I really could do with some help.
I have been posting on here for many years on and off regarding my depression and fatigue issues.
At the start of the year I met a lovely girl through an online dating site - I didn't intend or expect a relationship to come of it, just a bit of fun but we soon clicked and everything was going well (apart from the fact that I've been out of work for a few years with my fatigue and mental health issues but she would obviously have known this from the off)
Then in March, a month and a half after we met, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She has been my rock through it, and I wouldn't have been able to deal with it as well as I have without her by my side. I had my thyroid and the cancerous tumours removed from the left side of my neck in April, the day after my 30th birthday and had radioactive iodine treatment in August. However, at the start of this month, I have been told there is more cancer, this time on the right hand side. I have also found a new lump on the left hand side which has made me incredibly anxious.
Through all this, like I say, she has been my rock, but a few months back we kind of went though an almost break-up because she couldn't handle the fact that I didn't work/earn money. Then it happened again about a month later and she said if I wanted to continue to be with her then I'd have to get counselling for my depression and fatigue, because she can't handle my negativity and glass half empty attitude. She also said I would have to get back into some voluntary work.
I tried so hard to do this amidst my illness and ongoing cancer, but I wasn't getting anywhere. Now a few weeks ago she decided she wanted some space and a break. After a week or two of her not seeing me I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and see her. We talked and she agreed to come see me Wednesday (last night) We went for a meal but ended up arguing over something so trivial (the fact I was going to spend Saturday night with my housemate - "I thought we'd be able to get back on track, and you know we always spend weekends together" she said - despite the fact she hasn't let me see her the past two weekends!)
I quickly said I would cancel with my housemate if it meant seeing her at the weekend, as I'd give anything to spend the weekend with her. But she is so stubborn and said no. Then we had a chat in her car for about an hour where she was telling me she's unhappy and she can't do it anymore - despite the fact she was earlier saying she thought we could get back on track and spend the weekend together.
I am so confused and so upset :( I feel so empty and haven't been able to stop crying since last night - with my depression, the cancer and the fact I feel incredibly alone and lost without her. I have been feeling so low about it that I've been to Samaritans twice.
She is everything to me and I love her with all my heart and she says she doesn't doubt this but going by what she's saying, she doesn't feel the same way :( I can't cope. I don't know what to do. She was saying last night how she will see me in two weeks - but that will be an eternity and I bet she won't see me :(
I'm not sure if this section of the forum is right for this kind of post. But a virtual hug or real hug would be perfect right now :(
MyNameIsTerry
30-10-15, 05:05
Hi,
I think you've had a really tough time of it. I remember talking to you about your side effects with Duloxetine and how hard it was and I've seen you having battles with Sertraline recently but cancer on top of it all and the CFS stuff, it must have been incredibly hard just to keep going!
I truly hope they manage to treat this new discovery too and get you in remission so you can not have all this hanging over you too.
It's a lot of pressure on a relationship and she could have walked away earlier, so perhaps it's all just got on top of her and she needs some time to get her head straight? I think if she was really set on giving up on you both, she has had the opportunity to just walk away. She doesn't appear to have done this so there is obviously still hope there and still love there.
I wish you all the best with it all and hope you get support on here too (this board can be a bit quiet nowadays) :hugs:
I'm so sorry that you are going through this incredibly hard time. I wonder whether your girlfriend is very confused as to whether she will be able to cope with your mental health and physical issues? Maybe she is scared and wants to take some time out to consider things? It is a lot for a young person to take on but that's not to say you don't deserve totally committed support and care...which you do.
I hope that the Samaritans were supportive but you sound as though you need a whole lot more than this. Going through cancer treatment must be exhausting and very frightening- can the hospital link you up to any support services to complement your ongoing care? Could your girlfriend join you on this-maybe she needs to know more about your condition? Pushing you to earn money at such a challenging period for you isn't helpful or appropriate.
I really hope you can make some progress-please let us know how you are getting on?
MyNameIsTerry
30-10-15, 09:28
Yes, I agree pulisa. First things first. A job seems pale in comparison to cancer treatment to me.
Good point about the support groups. I've seen "befriending" services around my way for people with things like cancer and the charities tend to run support groups where people get together and talk. Isn't there a big push on something called Survivorship at the moment? FMP will probably know. I'm sure I've seen something in the media about a global programme for cancer support by people who have been through it.
I'm sure FMP will see this thread and comment. I just feel that you need help and support from the people best equipped to give it as well as unconditional support from your nearest and dearest. You need to look after yourself first and foremost though.
Thank you so much for the responses, they truly mean a lot to me.
I really am struggling and I can't stop the tears. I think they are mainly coming through a combination of missing her, rejection and loneliness. With the cancer, I now feel like I am going to be dealing with it alone rather than having my girl by my side and I miss her terribly :(
It's all getting too much at the moment. I am not saying I am looking for sympathy but I feel so totally alone at the moment in all this. My mum and dad are supportive and my girlfriend is/was too but it feels like nobody else in my life (not that I have loads of friends) isn't taking it very seriously at all. Almost like I've got a virus that will just go away after time.
Indeed Terry it has been incredibly hard to keep going and I feel I have now hit a brick wall in everything. After we had the talk last week about me needing to show I was making the effort to try and change, I had a positive Monday this week where I enquired about and applied for many voluntary positions, visited a recruitment agency and also booked my first counselling session with a counsellor (something she had wanted me to do since August but the main thing stopping me was financial reasons - counsellors tend to want upwards of £40 and hour - according to her, despite being jobless, I should just pay it - but it isn't that easy) I found one for £15 an hour.
In terms of hospital support Terry and Pulisa, I was pointed in direction to the Big C charity the other week. They offer many services and one of which is counselling, but only 6 sessions. This is something else I booked in on my "positive Monday" and had my first session the day after. It was good but at that point I still thought I had a chance with my girlfriend. Now I feel there is no chance, I can't get my head around it either. I am now constantly in bits and absolutely devastated. I just called my mum and she has agreed with you and a few of my friends by saying I don't need this stress right now with everything going on and need to focus on getting better - but I am so incredibly lonely. That's not the only reason I was with my girlfriend or wanted to spend time with her of course - I love her dearly. But it is incredibly hard going from spending time with someone who has been a rock for me through this cancer so far, to then nothing at all and feeling like I am going through it alone :(
The Big C also offer 6 sessions for family or partners of those suffering with cancer. My girlfriend expressed interest in this when we first read about it. But now I doubt she will do it. She does know and understand all about my condition but she doesn't understand. As you know Terry from my posts on here in the past, dealing with fatigue is dreadful. Waking up each morning feeling like I have not slept at all is soul destroying yet I have to push through the day. However, she doesn't understand fully how I feel. She understands the problems I suffer with, but I don't think she understands how they effect me. Obviously I hadn't had a diagnosis of cancer when I first met her in February, but she knew I was out of work and she knew I had the fatigue. Yet she seemed so so so happy! So I don't understand why, now that I have an illness that has been diagnosed (unlike CFS, which is given through process of elimination) that she can't understand that I am finding it difficult.
I really do not know where to turn. I go to Samaritans or call them, and it's lovely to have someone to talk to, but it doesn't make me feel better. I feel I am tearing myself up. I can't stop thinking about her. I do indeed need to look after myself, but I now feel so low and empty that I can't see a way forward. It scares me to say but I can't see a future for me :( hence my visits to Samaritans. This has broken me. I am exhausted through crying so much. I am exhausted in general. It's interesting to note that for many months and times of being on various anti-depressants (as you mention Terry I am currently on Sertraline) I have felt flat and emotionless at times when I could have cried. But ever since all of this has kicked off with my girlfriend, I can't stop crying. I am so sad. I don't know what to do. I am also struggling as the new lump I found on the left side of my neck has started feeling very unusual. It is another big worry for me.
All my life seems to be is heartbreak. Every time I have a relationship, and there haven't been many, I always come out feeling like I have been hit by a train. And yet I haven't done anything wrong - I would never hurt her. I am a good person but it seems that isn't enough :(
I truly appreciate your responses at this difficult time.
I think that you need to get the new lump fully investigated and you need to know where you stand with your girlfriend. I think you need to ask her point-blank as to whether she is going to fully support you in your treatment for both the cancer and for the mental health and CFS issues. Also I think she needs to understand that voluntary work or paid work of any kind may not be your first priority at such a challenging time in your life. Keeping you dangling and confused isn't helpful-she may have been a "rock" before but she's not helping you much now and you need people in your life who will be there for you through thick and thin. Can you turn to your parents for support? Maybe you should spell out to your friends just what you are going through. Maybe they just aren't aware of your diagnosis and the distress this causes?
Thank you so much for the response Pulisa.
I had a CT scan on Tuesday at the hospital. This was for my neck and chest and the doctors said that the new lump would be scanned. I am concerned though as it has started to hurt a lot and feel very unusual around that area, especially since Wednesday night when the stress started with my girlfriend. I don't know what's going on.
I am so worried and scared that I already know where I stand with my girlfriend. I don't think she wants it anymore and I don't think anything I can say or do will fix it - even if I was to get a volunteering job (which I do think would be good for me, gets me out of the house, gives me a reason to get up and is less pressure) I think if I had got one a month or two ago things would be fine so now all I am doing is kicking myself and wondering why on earth I have had to lose her before realising this :-( I do need her support and her love. You are right, what's happening now is definitely not helping, especially as she has been there all along and now suddenly - nothing - I feel like I am dealing with it on my own.
I do want to get better and I agree that my health should be the priority but I don't know why she can't see this :( everyone I talk to about this says my health should come first and that the last thing I should be worrying about is a job. But love is funny and I can't help how I feel for this girl. I just don't think she feels it for me and it is destroying me.
I can turn to my parents but I don't live with them and they live 30 mins down the road (I don't drive and don't get to see them often) My friends, I have not heard from much at all since the diagnosis back in March. I feel so very isolated. This is why my girlfriend being there has meant everything to me and I just don't see why she is doing this! I can't get my head around it. I want someone to tell me this is all a nightmare and wake me up - but here I am feeling so low that I don't feel I have any place here anymore :(
MyNameIsTerry
31-10-15, 06:41
I think she needs to look at the positive things you are doing. You are getting counselling and seeking help. You are trying to get volunteering work. It can't be easy trying to work anyway with CFS. I struggle enough getting through with my own fatigue issues which are not on that level!
She expressed an interest in committing to counselling for partners. So, I think she needs to follow up on that or else how can she expect things from you? It's a two way thing. She doesn't understand all you are going through and now she has the opportunity to learn from a professional so if she doesn't take it, she can hardly say you aren't trying if she isn't.
I don't want to sound harsh about her but she is applying pressure over something that, to me, seems pretty meaningless. You can't do it all. Getting a job comes second to getting well. What if you are too unwell with the treatment to work? I wonder what your doctor would think about that? I don't think she is being realistic. Get past the cancer treatment first and then come back to the working issues. Long term it will help you but it can't be a prerequisite right now.
Have you shown her your commitment to counselling? Can she change her opinions if she knows there is a plan? So, you both do counselling now, get the cancer sorted and have another step on your plan for the working side?
Thanks for the replies. It has taken me a while to get back here. I have had a terrible week :(
Yesterday I had a hospital appointment to discuss the results of the CT scan last week and the next steps. I obviously already knew that there was further cancer in the right side of my neck, but I wasn't prepared to be told there is more in my neck at the front where my thyroid used to be. So this was another blow and it now means definite surgery and at least one extra course of radioactive treatment.
I so hoped she would be there, but she wasn't. I went with my dad. She did however text me (only after I'd text her first saying morning) saying that I must text her asap once I know the results. Then later that day she actually phoned me and I tried again explaining all the positive things I have been trying to do. Trying so hard despite how ill, exhausted and low I feel. But it just never seems like enough and it didn't go anywhere. I don't know when I am next going to see her - if at all. We are still texting, but her texts to me are very short and blunt, and actually sometimes bordering on sarcastic/nasty.
The counselling is something I am continuing with and I had another session on Tuesday, although I didn't feel as comfortable as the first time around for some reason. I have also since paid another visit to Samaritans (the girlfriend doesn't know that) As you say Terry, the cancer charity offer me 6 free counselling sessions but they also offer 6 for partners or family going through it with me, so she could quite easily take up this option and at first she seemed keen but now I am not so sure. I am trying my best, trying my hardest, but I don't think I should be pushing myself like this right now :( she says that people with cancer continue to work. Maybe sometimes they do, but that's if they are already in a job! Not being pressured to find one whilst trying to cope with my physical problems but also my deteriorating mental state.
I too want to get the cancer out of the way and then start putting more energies and focus into finding work. I have been having conversations with someone about a voluntary office position with the local council, which sounds promising, but even that seems it has the potential to be a bridge too far at this very moment. I just wish she would understand that it won't be like this forever and that I don't want to "not work" or "be a bum" as she says, I want to work, I want to earn money, buy a house, have kids, the lot. I have those ambitions but these past 5 years have been a write off with first the fatigue coming out of nowhere and then progressively getting worse and now the cancer. If I mention to her that it could have been cancer building up in my body causing the fatigue all along, she won't have any of it.
I think the plan you suggest Terry sounds very reasonable and also realistic. I have shown I am committed to counselling, as I have been to two sessions at the hospital and also one in-take session at a private counsellors. I was also asked yesterday at the hospital if I would like to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I said yes. Some people, girlfriend included, make out I do nothing to help myself - but all through this journey (which started with the fatigue in 2010) I have done SO much to help myself. I have never ever turned down any help but it seems it is not good enough.
I am feeling in an extremely low place tonight. I don't really know how to cope with this. I feel so alone, isolated and pathetic :(
MyNameIsTerry
07-11-15, 11:09
Sorry to hear it's been a tough week. It's always hard to know what to say when people are dealt blows like this. I guess all you can do is take things one step at a time. A clique, I know, but doing it all is going to be overwhelming for a lot of people and you need to be prioriting your strength through this period.
Yeah, people do work...until they feel they can't. Some people like time off, some people like to keep busy until they have no choice but to rest. BUT I don't think her comment is fair or nice at all. I don't want to upset you by being negative about your GF but if that was me I would have been pretty angry with her. Perhaps "bum" is just how she talks, I don't know her, but thats not a nice thing to say and I hope thats out of the kind of banter you have in your relationship.
You've got an op and radiotherapy coming up, you need to be keeping your body healthy and slaving away for some company is not really a concern you should have. If you want to work for positive reasons whether it is to just feel more capable & confident or perhaps if it helps you to deal with your ongoing treatment, go for it, but just to prove something to someone else - it's too much to ask and seems very inappropriate to me. I wonder how she would feel if she had been through cancer to be told she had to go through it again? She supported you last time and saw a lot but she seems to be choosing to stay out of it now when you are giving her the option to take on what she wanted to e.g. the counselling. Whilst you won't want to hear this, if this were me as I am in my situation with my anxiety I would be giving her some ultimatums back or explained to her why ultimatums are inappropriate.
I'm not great with relationships so I hope some more people comment on your thread. I worry about whether you are too dependant on needing her and how it will affect your treatment. I know I wouldn't have stood for this and she would be out of my life if this happened to me, but thats just me and I've never been someone who needs others or relationships as I've always valued friendship more.
I hope things work out for you but I do think a level os assertiveness is needed with her but you will have to be prepared for what that could bring.
I hope what I have said has not upset you.
I just want to agree with what Terry has posted. I don't obviously know your GF but her behaviour regarding your illness has been very poor and downright insulting yet you seem more upset about her attitude than about your further cancer treatment? My question would be do you absolutely need her in your life when she is not supporting you in any shape or form? If the answer is yes then I think you must prepare to be disappointed in her behaviour and future support.
You sound a really genuine hardworking man who has got a hell of a lot to contend with at the moment. You deserve to have commitment and loyalty from your GF not disdain and disinterest. She really needs to get her act together and if she's not prepared to do that then she needs to be honest with you and tell you.
:bighug1:I agree totally with pulisa and terry . I'm finding it very hard not to say something derogatory about your GF. You're dealing with a lot of c##p at the moment and I don't know how you could be expected to take on volunteering work suffering from a physical and mental illness. In my town there is a cancer support clinic and loads of support group have you googled to see if there is any near you? Funnily enough I read something on Facebook today along the lines of if you love someone set them free and if they return you know its reciprocated. I hope things work out well for you . Hug on its way. :bighug1:
My friend had thyroid cancer and went through two ops and radiography. His biggest problem all the way through has been the fatigue. He can't help it but some days it's hard for him to drag himself out of bed. Just functioning on every day tasks is a battle. You are not being pathetic.
I'm sorry your girlfriend is not understanding how you are feeling. It would probably help if she could agree to go to counselling. Good luck with the relationship. :hugs:
Thank you for the replies as always.
23tana - yes my main problems are the fatigue, which has been going on since 2010, diagnosed underactive thyroid in 2011 and then told I had thyroid cancer this year. Through all of this my energy levels have never improved - I am on 175mg of thyroxine now compared to 125 before thyroid removal, and the specialist in oncology keeps saying I should be feeling much better now I am on a higher dose as the levels are all looking good - but I am not feeling better at all.
Every day is a battle - I still get up every single morning and get showered and dressed and then try and have some breakfast - but I am now wondering how long I can keep this up, as it feels I have nothing to get up for :-( I am still doing all of the positive things, ie - actively looking for voluntary work, getting counselling, been referred to a pshychiatrist, last night I went to an anxiety support group (although I suffer more with depression and low mood currently) - I am doing so much but I am getting no joy or buzz or sense of achievement because of everything that's going on with my girlfriend/ex/whatever she is. It is destroying me. My heart is aching.
I am so worried she isn't coming back. It's 2 weeks yesterday since I last saw her, and it was a week before that since I last saw her before. I can't cope. She is my everything. I know she cares. I hope she loves me. I just want an opportunity to talk to her again, especially as I've written her a letter (I sat down last Saturday and just wrote - it ended up being 12 sides of A4)
Your post has not upset me at all Terry or Pulisa, I respect the things you are saying. I am just in a terrible mindset because obviously I know her and know how much I love spending time with her and how she means the world to me. She has her faults, without a doubt, but I just want to show her that I can be the man for her if she gives me the chance to get better and get through this.
I am already going to a cancer support group of sorts, as I go to a place called the Big C where I do my counselling. However, I am still feeling so isolated :( I was supposed to be meeting a friend tonight but he's cancelled again (3rd time in the past week) and I am incredibly lonely and sad.
I have a friend who keeps going on at me to call 111 - I've been feeling like this for weeks now and she has been telling me to call them for weeks. The thing is, 111 is an emergency number and I keep saying to her that it's not a relationship helpline for people with broken hearts, but she says if I don't call them she will. But what else can they do? I am on anti-depressants, I am having counselling, I've been referred to a psychiatrist, I pay regular visits to the Samaritans at the moment, I feel I am doing all I can to try and overcome this dreadful battle. If I am honest, I don't feel like I can get through this :( I am so lost, and in despair. I am upset about the cancer, Pulisa, definitely - it's been awful to be told that there is more on the right hand side of my neck and at the front. It has hit me massively hard this time around. But what has extra upset me is the situation with my girlfriend - this has increased my sadness massively and I feel flat and without hope. I just feel out of ideas, totally out of ideas. Again I am not doing the positive things I am now doing for my girlfriend, I am doing them for me - but I draw the line after voluntary work. Everybody, be it you guys on here, counsellors, doctors, family, friends - all tell me that paid part- or full-time work should be the LAST thing I should be thinking about right now, the last worry on my mind. I would consider some voluntary work purely because it is less stress, less pressure, and I need something to occupy me and get me out of the house, because this is driving me mad and I feel I am losing my mind :(
This is by far the toughest period of my life I have had to face so far and I don't know how I am still here...I really need hug.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
You need a hell of a lot more than hugs though at this extremely challenging time in your life. I do appreciate your loyalty and love for your GF and I hope that she has contacted you this evening regarding your letter? If not then I really think you should maybe consider other people close to you to turn to for support? Even if it's only a temporary measure until you get some sort of contact with your GF? I'm sorry your friend has cancelled again-that's not good enough after all you're going through. Can your parents offer any constructive support? Just to get you through the next few days at least? You sound terribly isolated, distressed and very depressed-which is totally understandable.
I hope you get to see your GF asap but things are obviously not straightforward and she may disappoint you further. I just think you should be prepared for this?
MyNameIsTerry
13-11-15, 10:42
You have everyone telling you that your health is ther priority here, not job hunting. Even doctors and counsellors and the latter specialise in cancer support. She should be listening to what they say. This takes it back to her attending those sessions for partners because she could get a professional opinion on what you need. If she is unwllling to commit to that, she can't claim to having knowledge of what is best right now.
There is a harsh reality involved here. It could be quite hard to get a job. If you write on a job application that you have a chronic condition like CFS, you know it can be hard to get a job and many more physical jobs are likely be ne a no-go anyway so the field gets limited. Now add in that you are having treatment for cancer and it's even more of a risk to an employer as they will have to give you time off as well as manage the expectations on what you can do and when around the therapy. Some employers would just throw the application straight in the bin and it's because they would always rather have someone who doesn't cost them time & money to manage. They like simple. I feel like your GF doesn't understand this.
Also, and I'm assuming you claim some form of benefit, the minute you start job hunting you will switch over the JSA. From then on they will be on your back to be applying for jobs daily and want to keep talking to you about them. They may start sending you for things too. This is all pressure and you know what the Jobcentre are like, they don't understand illness much and just follow their procedures regardless. What if you are rough for a few days after treatment? What if you end up dealing with a possible sanction? Do you need that kind of hassle? I don't think so.
One of the big problems we face with these disorders is how we percieve our goals. I learnt this one very quickly in therapy. Whilst their is an end goal, it's all about "micro goals" because we need things that are achieveable now, not 12 months away after a ton of work for which we don't feel we are acheiving through. As far as I can see, this is exactly what you are doing. Each one of your steps is taking you closer towards those end goalsl, one being a job. Volunteering will not only get you out and feeling more confident but also fill your CV in and get you a reference.
I agree with pulisa, I can see more disappointment being a possibility. I think you should be prepared for that. Relationships are always two way though and although she has supported you in the past, she seems to be very wide of the mark at the moment and it seems that you are doing all the work. I think she needs to commit to those sessions and I think she needs to be clearer with you about what she wants and what she needs to move this forward.
Your friend ringing 111 won't achieve anything. Unless you are a risk to yourself or others, it's off to your GP for everything with mental health. Is that possibly because your friend doesn't understand how the NHS handles mental health treatment?
I would encourage you to continue with the anxiety support group. I used to go to one and you might some great people, just like on here! You could come out of there with more social activity and perhaps some friends. Something that can be an issue with relationships is too much time as a couple and not enough time to have your own pursuits so if thats the case, the support group may help with that. If they are anything like mine, they run socials. Anxiety & depression share many similiarities so I wouldn't worry about that element.
Thanks for the replies.
I think I have my answer from her but I can't accept it :( I have been in denial since all this has been going on. And I can't take my mind off anything. I am being driven mad. I have never felt like I am losing the plot more than this.
To give an insight in to how low I am feeling - every 2 weeks I do the PHQ9 and GAD7 tests on the website Living Life To The Full. This week on the PHQ9 (depression scale) I have scored 27 - out of 27. Maximum score.
Terry, you are right - I shouldn't be worrying about work right now. The voluntary stuff is something I can see being achievable, but it's all gone quiet on that front in recent days. I am also aware of the JSA stuff if I were to get back into work. If I had part-time work then I might end up being worse off financially. I don't enjoy being on benefits but I have a genuine reason, that's why I am upset she finds it embarrassing :( I have also been denied PIP (personal independence payment) - can you believe I scored zero?
I really do feel so terrible :( Pulisa, I have gone home to my parents for a few days so I do not spend so much time on my own in my house share. But I still feel absolutely dreadful, low, empty, abandoned, hopeless, lonely - and extremely sad :( the feeling of emptiness and missing someone so much is actually causing pain in my heart. For the first time in my life I feel literally like I have a broken heart :'(
I have never felt so distressed and depressed in my life and I just can't stop crying - I've been feeling low for years with the CFS and obviously now the cancer but I haven't been able to cry, I've just felt flat. But now I can't stop. If she would give me another chance I know I can improve myself and get through all this. I would give anything to just have one more chance! Now I just feel like I have nothing to get up for :( I am so isolated and lonely that I feel I have no purpose.
You have NO NEED WHATSOEVER to "improve yourself" for someone else who is placing unrealistic demands on you when you are at your most vulnerable and most need that person's love ,understanding and support.
I'm so sorry you are understandably feeling so low. You must post as much as you need on here if it helps to get your feelings out but I really think you need more professional help from mental health professionals. What you are dealing with is far from "routine" after all.
My warmest wishes to you
Thank you for not getting fed up of me and re-assuring me that I can post as much as I need on here.
I have never felt in such a low place. It is terrifying me. I just keep wanting to contact her. I want to hear from her. I can't bear it :( I'm scared for the future, as it feels bleak and empty without her.
I do need some help, definitely - but I don't know what the next step is? I am already getting counselling and been referred to a psychiatrist (no appointment yet) I am really struggling and I've barely been able to stop crying for days now. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I feel in such a tough, dark place.
Thank you so much for your warm wishes.
You really don't need to thank me. I can't imagine how desperate you must be feeling.. Can you access your area's community mental health crisis team? Because I really think you need to talk to someone tonight. Or the Samaritans who could advise you on who to contact now. Saneline UK operates a 6-11pm telephone helpline?
I just feel inadequate to advise you further because you really need support now and not just from an online forum.
MyNameIsTerry
15-11-15, 03:46
I would suggest keep going to the walk-ins, their co-ordinators should be trained to handle situations and will be able to wit down with you and tell you what services are accessible in your area. They should also be current or recovered sufferers too so they will know how tough it can be. I used to go to these meetings with my local charity and they had leaflets out every meeting for various services and they also took members in as volunteers for things like admin at their offices as they were big proponents of using volunteering for part of the recovery plan.
Volunteering comes in many forms now. Have you looked on Do-It? If you take out your local search criteria you will see there are volunteering positions nationally that can be remote. So, if keeping busy is a priority over being with other volunteers, there are opportunities out there.
Being around your family right now seems a good plan. You need support. You also need to know that your whole future doesn't centre around one woman. You have family, they are part of your future for a start. For some people breakups are a bit of a grieving process and right now you have so much pressure on you that it could be feeling a bit more intense than it should be.
Do you feel like you could harm yourself? There's no shame in admitting it if you are and no one should judge you for it, I've been to those places myself at some points but I always looked at my family and told myself I had to think about them. Those low moods would eventually pass and I would know I had done the right thing even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Keep speaking to The Samaritans if you need them, it's what they are there for afterall. Utilise the other NHS mental health lines if needed and call 111 if you feel there is no one else and they will talk to you and probably send someone to see you e.g. out of hours GP.
Keep talking if you want to. This forum is open to us all.
Hi,
Sorry for my late reply.
I am still very, very much struggling. It has been a very tough week. For a year and a half now I've had a document on my PC where each day I list down positives from the day. Lately, there has been one single entry on many days - "Survived" - though whether that is a positive is hard to say because I am really sliding into oblivion and I don't know how to get out.
Terry, I have looked on do-it before but I mainly use a local one (Voluntary Norfolk), but I will check on do-it again to see what they have. It's all gone very quiet on the voluntary roles I had been contacting about. I've actually started e-mailing actual business nearby to me to see if they offer work experience/voluntary work. No replies back as yet. But have to see what happens.
I had to go into hospital on Thursday 19th to see my surgeon who will be doing the op. I've been given a date - 2nd December. I broke down in the room and couldn't stop crying for a good 45 minutes. The last time I was there with him and my parents, my girlfriend was there too. This sounds silly, but I am not worried about my health - as the surgeon said, this cancer is easy to deal with and he remains 100% positive I will get through it - he is such a nice guy. But he said a broken heart is harder to fix. I agree - the cancer I can deal with. I am sure I will beat it. But I can't be sure that I will get over this heartbreak and it is destroying me. All I want is one more chance.
You are right Terry, it is all feeling very intense. But I can't control it because I can't get her out of my head. I know my future doesn't revolve around her but I want her to be part of my future and me part of hers. The grieving is getting harder, not easier - I am at home with my parents now and have been here mostly for a week (apart from 2 days when I was back at my flat) but I feel dreadful here because I can't talk about how I am feeling, but if I am back at the flat I am alone. I feel absolutely beside myself and just want some company. It's silly really, last night I saw one of my oldest friends but even that didn't make me feel better - don't get me wrong, I didn't sit and talk about my girlfriend all night, but it didn't take my mind off things.
I do feel like I could harm myself and this is something that in previous weeks I've been saying "I would never do anything silly" - but now I am starting to wonder and it is scary. I know for sure if someone said I could goto sleep and not wake up, I'd probably take it. I can't handle my life being so mundane, problematic, full of heartbreak and disappointment. I like to think of myself as a nice guy, a genuine guy - I wouldn't hurt anyone but I always get treated like something that's been trod in. I've been back to Samaritans on Wednesday, when again, I broke down and was inconsolable and just can't understand why this is happening. It was my 4th visit to Samaritans in under 3 weeks. It really is a major struggle at the moment and these feelings are not passing or improving - they are getting worse :(
Thank you so much for being there to talk to.
MyNameIsTerry
22-11-15, 06:38
I think you have a hell of a lot going on right now and emotions can just come flooding out when you are overwhelmed so don't feel bad about breaking down in front of your surgeon. I bet he has seen it a many times over in his career. It's good that you have one with people skills, you need as much as support as you can get right now.
Going from saying to yourself you wouldn't do something to wondering about it is not that far away in my opinion, and a logical chain of thoughts when things seem like they can't get harder, but this is just my opinion and based on how I have been through that. So, if you think you could harm yourself, ensure you speak to someone who can listen to you, like The Samaritans, or can take action if appropriate, such as the NHS. They are all there if you need them.
My anxiety and mood swing issues have given all those thoughts about going to sleep and never waking up again. When life seems so bleak and there is nothing ahead of you, these are just the kind of thoughts we get. What we have to remember is that emotions are very strong and these moods influence how we think about ourselves and the situations we are in. Those negative thought patterns get us thinking only about how crap life is and we can't see the beauty in the world. It's never a good time to assess things when you are having low moods as you will seriously bias them.
Honestly, I don't have your physical worries but my anxiety has me on my knees (in my head) walking the streets in tears praying a lorry would just vere off the main road and put me out of my misery. I've had many thoughts about how I would like to even get a serious disease so I could slip away (sorry to everyone on here who has been through such things or have witnessed loved ones through it, I'm just being honest about my desperate thoughts) and I hope that doesn't upset you but I want you to know that despite what you may read on this forum, a lot of us may have been through some of this and not spoken about it. Believe me, I have my days.
The DOING part of the brain is there to analyse how we create a solution to a problem, get from A-B. Thats all it cares about. It will look for risks to evaluate and it will look for ALL solutions. To someone not attuned their thoughts like we are (remember all people have intrusive thoughts but they flash through so fast they don't even realise they have them) they may not realise that our minds come up with some of these options. So, perhaps some of these thoughts are merely options and we know that the conscious mind has the power to decide. So, even thinking about whether you would could be part of that process BUT this is just how I view it so that it takes the fear out of the unknown over such things and you need to contact people. I never contacted anyone but I knew I could never do something because it would hurt my family and even though this is a very difficult way to live for me, hurting my family is the worst thing for me. Try to find your reasons to keep going, your surgeon will do the rest foir you. :hugs:
That's such an excellent post, Terry and I share your views entirely. My warmest wishes to you, ncfc fan.
MyNameIsTerry
16-12-15, 09:11
Thanks pulisa, I really appreciate that!
ncfcfan85 - how are you getting on with everything? I hope you are getting the support you need and you have your family & friends pulling you through this extremely difficult time.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.