i didnt go beating myself over it

[tricia56]

I referd myself to the metal health because I couldn't get any more help with cbt from iapt because I don't want to meds and I had a appointment with a physiciatrist which was on wensday at 1 oclock , i was quite anxiouse for days leading up to it but kept telling myself i will go i can do it but on wensday morning i was so overwhelmed with anxiety i was really struggling on weather to go, my daughter was going to come with me on the bus so i wouldn't be on my own but the fear just took over and i kept making exuses not to go because i knew i had to get on 2 buses to get there i didn't have the money to get a taxi as it would of cost 25 pound just to get there , my daughter kept trying to perswade me to go and reassure me i would be ok but because i couldn't make my mind up as to go or not it was by then 12 oclock and it would of been to late to of got the bus and be there for 1 as it takes at least a hour or so to get there so i decided not to go , but my other daughter foned me and i told her i wasn't going because it was to late to get the bus so she offerd to transfer 25 in my bank to get a taxi which normaly just takes a few mins to come thro so i got ready and foned a taxi but when i checked my bank just before the taxi came it wasn't in thereso i had to cancel the taxi as the money didn't go in so i couldn't go in the end, i did fone up the hospital and explained everything thing and they made me another appoint for the end of December but ever since wensday ivei keep beating myself up as to why i just never had the courage just to go in in the first place and let myself down and let the anxiety and fear take over and stop me from going,and now i keep thinking because i never went wat if my anxiety gets worse will i cope before i go back for the appointment , i don't know if its just the anxiety that is making me think and feel this way or not because i didn't go.

[dally]

Hey
It's just all the apprehension catastrophising and negative thinking.
I've missed medical/ dental appointments doing the same thing!

Eventually. You know you HAVE to force yourself out of this downward spiral.

Don't beat itself up about this. It is in the past.
But
Let look to the future and make sure you have all the finances etc in place for your December appointment.

In the meantime. Read up about CBT techniques in helping you with travelling on your own and anxious thoughts. X

[tricia56]

Thk u dally for replying I will look up the cbt technics and I've already put money aside for getting to the appointment so thk u once again

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I've done it too with my dentist, Tricia. I was really struggling back then and I ended up unable to sleep all night and was in a real state in the morning so had to cancel. I did make myself go the second time though and I got a bit more sleep beforehand. It was still hard (it was an extraction) but I got through it and learnt a bit about how distraction can really help. The afternoon was hard with all the remaining anxiety but I calmed down a bit and it was more tolerable later, just a bit weird.

Sometimes you need to say to yourself that you can either carry on struggling but know how much anxiety you will feel OR take a chance and see a temporary rise in anxiety levels but get past that hurdle and into getting the help. I take the same stance on meds, be realistic and expect more anxiety for a short time BUT what can then happen is a steady improvement and how much better would that be? It's worth taking the chance. You can always back away to a safe point if it gets too much and try again, you are not trapped by anything, appointments can be rescheduled.

:hugs:

Did I kick myself. You bet. In a way it motivated me to go ahead with it because I felt a failure and that I let people down because my dad was giving me a lift and I felt embarrassed about it all. I don't want you to feel this way but I know how we berate ourselves for not being able to do things that should be easy enough to us adults.

[tricia56]

Thks terry , I did kick myself for not going because I knew that I will never get better if I keep letting the anxiety win and I will never learn that the anxiety cannot harm if I keep ovoiding doing thingsbecause i feel so anxiouse because that's what I do all the time, so like you have said before to me that I have to start believing in myself and take a leaf of faith and learn to take chances and just reckonize thatit will be hard at first and I will probly feel more anxiouse while doing it but to try and remem ber nothing will happen to me and hopefully it will get easyer.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I done loads of it too, Tricia. The more severe someones anxiety disorder, the more they will.

I was terrible just going to see my GP. What I did is get someone to take me, my dad. This is quite embarrassing for me at my age as I'm used to doing things on my own, especially in my career, but I felt the support would get me through the door otherwise I would just avoid going longer & longer. I went, I was more anxious, I was shaking in the car. It didn't get easier as I left really and it took many trips to be more relaxed with it.

When I started therapy I was the same and it's quite common on here for people to be afraid of seeing their therapists. I found it took repetition to be more relaxed in there.

Try to find some distraction techniques that work for you. Whether this is something to squeeze in your pocket, breathing techniques, visualisation or even repeating things over & over in your head - use them to get you there and through the door. Any unhealthy techniques can be removed later but at least it gets you there. I had to take that route.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Tricia,

I was thinking about something a charity co-ordinator once told me and remembered you so thought it worth mentioning.

When I used to go to the walk-in groups we would have 2 meeting co-ordinators. Sometimes the main one couldn't make it due to work commitments so co-ordinators from other locations in the city would cover. Once there was this guy who used to be an industrial plummer and worked all over the UK & abroad. People were talking about how it is hard just to come to the meetings and sit with other people talking and he told us his story of joining the charity.

He said he spent the first 6 months sitting in his car outside the building as he just couldn't face coming in because he was so nervous. Then he managed to get into the building one day but still couldn't face the meeting so asked if he could sit in reception. So for a time he would turn up and just sit in reception until the meeting was over if he could. Eventually he found the strength to walk through the doors and go to the meeting room and from there he was able to keep going. After some time he trained to become a meeting co-ordinator for the charity. This meant he had to attend college and through his course he had to attend some meetings including ones at other locations. Finally he had to do a presentation to the class.

He did all that, passed and now chairs the meetings. You wouldn't think there had been such a problem if you sat and talked to him. He was completely relaxed talking in front of 10+ people and running the meetings when faced with difficult situations with people who were afraid.

We all start somewhere.

[tricia56]

thk you terry for sharing that with me . its true what you say that we have to start someware and I think that's wat I have to do some how and try and over come my fears, I think my problem is that because im scared of the anxiety and how it makes me feel and think that stops me from doing a lot of things like the travelling on public transport socializing etc even being at home im anxiouse most of the day and I don't know why and that's when I start to think that surely this cant be anxiety to feel like this constantly, maybe that is why I cant seem to believe that it is just the anxiety if that makes sence,i know deep down that anxiety cannot harm me or kill me and I do tell myself that everyday but it just wont register for some reason, I just don't seem to be able to believe in myself and have the courage and conveidence and just say damn it im going to do this or that reguardless of how I feel but I don't know why I cant just do that which bothers me a lot, im not sure terry but I read someware that for anxiety to be constant there is some thing underlying deep down that you haven't dealt with that could keep the anxiety going but im not sure if that is true or not, I just wish I wasn't so afraid of physical symtoms and feelings of anxiety and if I could just overcome that fear I feel I could manage and cope a lot better with the anxiety, hope you don't mind me terry keep talking to you about how I am and asking for advice.

[pulisa]

Tricia, I still think that you fear that you have some underlying psychosis which is keeping your anxiety going? And you are still beating yourself up over your anxiety which really won't help you feel in control of things. It's really hard to accept that anxiety symptoms are totally harmless especially when those doubts linger as to whether it is "only" anxiety

[MyNameIsTerry]

Tricia,

Of course I don't mind, and no one else does either. People comment freely and to help support each other so don't worry about that.

It's entirely possible there can be something underlying or a series of things, it's not the same for each of us though. For me it was all about burn out from too much work and losing all my social activities to it. I over did it all and payed the price. It left me like this. Before that day when the panic started, I didn't have any of this and went through life merrily not knowing anything about anxiety other than any stress courses I had attended out of formality for my work. It was like a switch was flipped and I've seen others say this. From there I avoided things and backed away without realising I was making it worse and I eventually spiralled into a breakdown.

Every since then, I've had GAD and I've had long periods on constant daily symptoms. It's much better now, other than my flare ups, but in my worse stages I was anxious all day long and it was only a question of how strong those feelings would be. These stages went on for 6+ months. I only reduced it by getting into a routine and walking miles everyday. This meant I then couldn't stay in the house because if I didn't do that routine, I would just be even more anxious.

Really, it never left me for a very long time. Now I have a lot of more control over what it does to me, but it's still there underneath. This is why for me, GAD is alll about being constantly anxious and for no reason, not just being anxious about lots of different situations. I've seen it explained as a thermostat that gets permanently stuck on a higher temperature and you have to learn how to decrease it again, reset it.

I've done all the acceptance stuff and tried to tell myself it can't harm me. It doesn't work for me. Some people find they can crack it but I've never found that. Mindfulness works better for me because it shows me how to achieve that and I found more peace through it. Some people say to go towards the feelings to dispell them...which just means me spending the same amount of time as I already did thinking about my symptoms. Again, it works for some.

It's a matter of finding small things that reduce it bit by bit and what you find it you move from one stage in your recovery journey to another.

I know exactly what you are saying about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and then finding it's still there. It took me quite some months to relax when I was out on my walks. It can mean a lot of repetition to retrain your subconscious to know something is ok.

What I feel is underlying for many of us are things like lack of self confidence, self worth, self esteem, lack of fulfillment in life, etc. These can eat away at you. You always looked after your family and it has left you with a bit of a hole and anxiety has poured into that hole. Having healthy behaviours & activities can be very important and they do more than simply break up the time we would otherwise spend being anxious. This is why self help groups can be useful so that you do things with other people and maybe make some friends.

You are not alone, Tricia. To me what you describe is what I've also thought GAD really is.

[tricia56]

hk you terry for being so helpful to me, you mentioned about self asteem and conviedence and i really lack them both, so i probly need abit of help with them two things , also you you mentioned about about the anxiety filling that hole maybe that could be a reason as i do spend far too much time on my own at home no one to really talk as mornings are quite bad as i wake up and strait away i feel anxiouse and spend the morning just sitting here and not having any one to talk to as like ive send before i don't have no friends ware i live and my family live the other side of town and i don't have no social life so that doesn't help and i know its only me that can change things .