I don't want to live being this afraid anymore!

[mnaha]

Im sick of living this way. Every since I can remember I have had anxiety and been afraid of something. My life has been one struggle after another. At times the anxiety has subsided but it has been with me most of my 61 years.

Im just sick of it and just don't want to live being tormented like this day and night. I have tried to ignore it but over the years it has kept me from enjoying so many things that I wanted to do and needed to do and enjoyed.

I have always worried about being sick and worried about getting hurt or killed and frankly I don't know how I have survived this long. It is miserable. Now at age 61 im terrified that the shoe is going to drop anytime from being older and im going to have a heart attack or stroke or some other bizarre thing happen to me.

I don't drink ,never have ,don't use drugs other than the ones im prescribed but do smoke but it doesn't seem to affect me like other people. I have smoked for forty something years and have had xrays and ct scans and checks and nothing..no lung cancer,throat cancer or anything from smoking. My arteries are suppose to be clear and my body pretty healthy besides having pre diabetes .

I do have high blood pressure but since I lost weight I think that my blood pressure is down and I also take blood pressure meds that are suppose to keep it down and have . I take metformin for blood sugar and between eating right ,losing weight and taking meds my blood sugar is good.

We have traveled extensively and never had any issues but when we are living somewhere we get settled in and I don't like going anywhere so we stay at home. I am terrified of going to the doctor and I suppose to go every month to get medicine refills but lately he has let me slide four months because he knew that it made me nervous but now I have to go back to see him because I cannot get my medicines without seeing him.

Just thinking about it scares me to death ,also I have refils on my some of my medicines which makes me nervous just thinking about going to the pharmacy. Like I said we don't get out very much so it scares me about going out anywhere.

I have skipping heart all the time. It seems like it comes from gas and it scares me so bad ,I feel that I wish it would just stop so I would be free of being in a constant state of fear.

I look in the news everyday and see actors and actresses that live to be in their 80's and 90's and they smoked and drank and used drugs forever and didn't die and I never did that except smoked , yet I am terrified since I am 61 that I will die any minute ,have a heart attack,stroke or whatever.

Everytime you read anything fatal online it says if you are 55 or older or 60 and older this and that could kill you . I have bad teeth and terrified to go to the dentist. I have a swollen lymph node I have had for a year that the doctor said was from on going dental issues.

My eyes are bad and I desperately need to see a eye doctor but terrified to go there too, although my doctor set me up with one I missed the appointment.

Lately I have been having stomach trouble and worry it could be from heart issues although my doctor says my heart is fine. Even when I was in the hospital with tacycardia the staff all said my heart was fine and I was monitored for seven days 24/7 and then had a ecg and four cardiologist checked my ecg and said my heart was fine and even in my follow up my internist said my heart is fine.. but I still worry with the skipping all the time.

My heart skips when I urinate and when I deficate and also when I am just doing nothing or moving around. It all seems to have something to do with gasses but not sure. Last night I was so tired and wanted to go to sleep but was so worried I barely could get to sleep because I was afraid there was something wrong with me.

Also I haven't really had a panic attack in a long time. I was reading somethings online last night,nothing to do with heart or medicine and all of a sudden I felt an adrenaline rush and it was like I couldn't settle down. I am not sure what happen and why I had it but now im terrified it could happen again out of the blue.

It just doesn't seem fair that I have to live this way .I have read so much and tried so hard to shake the fear and just blow off everything. I cannot. I have not had therapy in a long time but I don't think it would help. It really never has.

I just rather not have to deal with this anymore and just don't want to live this way constant state of terror and fear. It sucks. My wife doesn't understand why im always afraid of things and tells me that im in good health. When I complain that I think my heart is doing something or bad she says the doctor says no there is nothing wrong with my heart.

I am just at a lost of what to do . I don't want to live this way anymore .61 years of it is enough. I am at the end of my rope and running out of it.
I am sorry my post is so long.I am just so tired of this so very tired.I am not sure what the purpose of this post is but felt like it might make me feel better. Does anyone else feel the way I do ? What do you do about it?

How do you get over being afraid of everything.Everyday a struggle and terror ,sick of it.

[mnaha]

Hello? anybody ? anybody? Am I all alone here too? Its so sad to be old and alone and no input ....really sucks..

[Phill2]

I'm here mate.
I'M 62 - smoked for 50 yrs and had a heart attack in January .
Now a non smoker and getting on with life.

[ricardo]

There is nothing worse than a reformed smoker, and that's me. You should thank your lucky stars after 40 + years of smoking you haven't contracted a serious illness but having said that I can feel your frustration in your post.
Phil and I are just a little older than you,both having had heart attacks.

You are wishing your life away and to an extent so am I and I am not proud of it.

I presume you have discussed this with your doctor but ultimately the only person who can bring some normality to your life, is you yourself.It's not easy but think about it.Good luck.

[mnaha]

Yeah you guys are both right..My grandfather breathed his last cigarette in at 96. A heavy smoker and outlived three doctors that told him that he would die from drinking. You are really right. He could have lived to 120 or so probably. My dad bless his heart smoked heavily 60 years ,died at 90. I think if he didn't smoke he could have probably lived until he was at least 100.

Really guys, I think after writing and writing and pouring my heart out here,nobody really realizes what I said. Yes I smoke...I think everyone got that but the post isn't about smoking. My arteries are clear, my heart is perfect and lungs are clear, and organs functioning.. so what else does smoking do? I wasn't worried about the smoking. I think the stupid media and the internet has us all trembling in our boots about heart attacks and smoking and etc.. now even meat and bacon.. come on? What did our ancestors eat? Cucumbers and flowers? Geez Im sick of being anxious and afraid and that is what the whole post is about. Its not about smoking . yes I get it and thank you but please read the whole post before making a comment on the only thing you saw. I think that if the media was wiped out and there was no more internet no one would ever think about any of the things that could go wrong..Life would be better and I know mine would have been if I never watched television or read anything about health. Its a curse and worry is more of killer than smoking. Anyway for what its worth thanks for answering me. At least I know someone is skipping over my post at least. I am not totally alone..

[Pepperpot]

What are you scared of exactly, just dying in general? X

[Phill2]

The only thing I was referring to was your fear of a heart attack and I get a facetious reply for my trouble.
I apologise profusely.

[blue moon]

You should be lucky you have your health,you could swap places with me.

[soacyeuopar]

You are wishing your life away and to an extent so am I and I am not proud of it.

[carolineellen]

I understand your fears. I am younger than you. I am 48. I spent most of my adult life fearing my own death and that of people I love. My brother is exactly the same and has health issues that really scare him.

However after going through three years of personnel hell. I now no longer have these fears, I think you have to learn acceptance. Whatever will be will be. To live our lives fearing something (that may in fact never happen ) is both mentally and physically exhausting. It's the fear of the unknown and what ever will do we cant change that. Therefore we have to accept it. I still have episodes of sudden heart beats but they don't scare me anymore. I have learned to breath through them. If I am to die so be it. Sometimes I have thought it would be a release for me! I really do t fear my own death any longer.

Having said that my brother is the opposite to me. We live together and most days when I come home from work he has another worry to do with his health that he is scared about. So I really do understand you. But maybe just try and think about acceptance. Not just for your fear of your health and death but for most things in everyday life.

I wish you well x x

[pulisa]

People have taken the time to read your post and have tried to respond as best they can. Sorry if you're not getting the replies you want or need but that's what can happen on an online forum.

I'm not sure what you want people to say?

[xBettyBoopx]

Hi mnaha

I understand what you're saying because I am in a similar position really. I am 58 and have lived my entire life like this and have had enough myself! I get very depressed coz I can't see a future if the past is anything to go by. Unlike you though I also have physical illness/problems to add fuel to the fire. I am very alone and only have one friend across the street who seems to care. No family to speak of and no life, no prospects etc etc. I used to smoke but gave up after 37 years when I started to have a problem with my breathing.

My future is bleak.......what can we do?

[stars22]

I'm 23 I feel I'm in a mess I can't cope nomore I'm pregnant I want to enjoy it I can't I feel selfish my baby must get the effects of stress this causes I live on fear every day have done since I can remember palpatios breathing problems everything is there and I can't calm down :(

[mnaha]

I understand your fears. I am younger than you. I am 48. I spent most of my adult life fearing my own death and that of people I love. My brother is exactly the same and has health issues that really scare him.

However after going through three years of personnel hell. I now no longer have these fears, I think you have to learn acceptance. Whatever will be will be. To live our lives fearing something (that may in fact never happen ) is both mentally and physically exhausting. It's the fear of the unknown and what ever will do we cant change that. Therefore we have to accept it. I still have episodes of sudden heart beats but they don't scare me anymore. I have learned to breath through them. If I am to die so be it. Sometimes I have thought it would be a release for me! I really do t fear my own death any longer.

Having said that my brother is the opposite to me. We live together and most days when I come home from work he has another worry to do with his health that he is scared about. So I really do understand you. But maybe just try and think about acceptance. Not just for your fear of your health and death but for most things in everyday life.

I wish you well x x

I think acceptance is the ONLY way to deal with what I am feeling. Thank you and I will work on that.

To every one else thank you so much for being kind enough to send input my way. I am not sure what I wanted people to say. I wasn't really expecting to be bombarded by non smokers about smoking but I should have realized that now and apologize to anyone I might have offended.

I guess I just needed to know that others felt the way I do and what they do about it. It seems this member that I quoted here has a handle on it and as hard as it is, I am going to try ever so hard to do what she said.

Fear is miserable and she is 100 percent correct. Why worry about what we cannot control. I have done that all my life and now that I am closer to the end it should be even more important not to and not waste anymore time fretting about what is surely to happen one day and the days it doesn't shouldn't be spent in misery anticipating when it will happen. Thank you for your kind thoughts and also to others for their thoughts.