gezospan
05-11-15, 10:55
I can seriously say that I've had the worst couple of months of my life.
It all started with a lymph node in my upper groin (and will end there, as you will see if you keep reading my rant, and it is going to be a long one but got to get this of my chest, and maybe it will do someone some help somewhere).
I noticed the node on my groin it about 5 months ago. I thought I always had it, but just did not notice it before… But I started prodding it. Looking up information. It did not seem very big to the touch, yet always there. After a couple of weeks I went to the doctor. And nurse felt my groin and said it was nothing. Boom.
So after a couple of months I noticed that it was still there. I was running more and more and getting thinner and started to notice it more as it is in the upper region of my groin. But I could still convince mysel that is was nothing.
But I began to look for more. And found one in my neck. Went to the doc after a few weeks. He said he did not even feel it. Am I going crazy? Then I felt something near the collarbone. I googled and was convinced it was real bad. Next day I was at the doctors again. This time another male nurse felt it. He said it was nothing.
All in all months had past since my first visit and I was running 14 km sometimes 20 km. And did that like 3 times a week. So the weight kept coming of. This in combination with my spiking anxiety scared me that I was losing weight. It is strange because was that not the reason I started doing these runs?
Being thinner makes me feel everything a lot better. The node in my groin was still there (still is btw) and I could feel it very good. It seemed a little bigger now! The more I prodded it the harder it got. I also prodded my groin so much that everything just went ‘numb’.
I started dreaming about night sweats. I dared not (and still don’t) want to go to sleep because I fear waking up in sweat making this dreaded decease a reality. I had a couple of days with on going itching…
Every… single… day…. was/is… hell…
I had a panic attack and called the doc. They could not fit me in anymore and I scheduled an appointment for the next day first thing in the morning. I got of work at 17:00 (been in the toilet all day prodding -> like an intrusive thought I had to do that. Keep checking, keep checking. Still have problems not to touch it or other parts of my body btw). When I got home I went straight to bed. It was 17:30 when I ws lying there. I was thinking about my girls (i’m a divorced 39 year old man with 2 daughters) and just started crying. I could not stop. I lay there till the next day and I could go to the doctors.
I got in the door and just said: please help me. I need help. I am going crazy.
She suggested going to a psychiatrist and start with medication. I just nodded. Crying.
Then she started to research my groin. And yes, there where swollen nodes. But they seemed fine. Round, she did not think anything sinister was going on.
“So everything is fine?” I said. She explained to me that here are no guaranties in life and that she could not see inside.
I thought I would die on the spot.
But she could let me have an ultrasound for my peace of mind.
I died again.
But I raced to the hospital and not much later I was on a table.
“So your here about a suspicion regarding hodgkin?”
Third time I died.
I explained my severe anxiety. That I lost my mother when I was 14 (she was 35). She had kidney cancer.
He was very understanding. He went over my groin, stomach, belly, aorta. He found some in my groin where the doctor had found them. And just went ‘looks normal’, ‘this one is ok’, ‘looks good’. At the end all the nodes he found, and this guy was very serieus in looking, had a diameter of something 0,5 mm. He explained that they can swell up to 1 cm, that even then everything is still fine. That they start to do more tests after they swell up to 1,5 cm.
“So everything is fine?” I asked him. “Everything looks just normal” he responded.
I can not tell you the relief I felt. I went home just going ‘Thank you God, Thank you God’ over and over again.
BUT!
Then I started thinking: what if the nodes just keep on swelling? Why did the initial node not went down? What if this is just the beginning? Why was I so thin?
I started (in the car returning from this trip!) prodding my throat. And found that my left side did not resemble the right. It was far more lumpier.
All the relief I had felt was gone and replaced by more doubt and uncertainty. And I had a new problem with my throat.
I slept dreaming about having rock hard nodes on my neck. Well sleep… I have not have a night that I slept through in about a month. I sleep, wake up, feel for sweat, look at the clock, it almost feels like i can feel my groin swelling, and then I’m not even writing about all the other thoughts going through my mind.
Next day I had to go to work. I started prodding my throat in the car. And just went on going .My co-workers eventually just asked ‘’what the hell are you doing with your throat man?’. I just told them I was a big hypochondriac and that it feels wrong. They felt it and said it did not seem that strange to them. I told them I was getting help for the anxiety.
When I came home my throat was obviously very sore and I was afraid it would never feel ‘normal’ again. So I vowed that I would not touch it ever again. And miracle oh miracle, I did not touch it in the last 24 hours because that was yesterday.
But this morning I felt my node in my groin again. Why? Beats me. I’m going crazy remember. It did seem a little smaller since I last felt it. But I just felt it again at work (why am I not working?? Why am I typing this right here right now?!) and it feels bigger now. Obviously I poked it too much again. And remember that two days ago someone went with an ultrasound over this thing and said it was just a normal lymph node. Why can’t I leave it alone???
I then called the psychiatrist and have my first appointment next thursday.
So here I sit at my desk…
I can not run anymore because I think I sweat too much running? (<- who does not sweat when running? What is that??). I also worry to much about losing weight so I just want to gain weight, but the anxiety does not let me eat well…
Worrying that I lost weight, worrying about nodes in my groin, that I can feel my groin swell up right this moment(?), that my throat has all these lumps. Thinking if I should go home and weigh myself (but that would only fuel the anxiety), having this constant dreading feeling that I will be very sick and die in a few weeks.
So… boys and girls…
That is health anxiety for ya.
And God… please let it be HA….
This non relenting fear is crushing me…
I wish everyone that is suffering from this all the best. I wrote this all down so you know you are not alone.
It all started with a lymph node in my upper groin (and will end there, as you will see if you keep reading my rant, and it is going to be a long one but got to get this of my chest, and maybe it will do someone some help somewhere).
I noticed the node on my groin it about 5 months ago. I thought I always had it, but just did not notice it before… But I started prodding it. Looking up information. It did not seem very big to the touch, yet always there. After a couple of weeks I went to the doctor. And nurse felt my groin and said it was nothing. Boom.
So after a couple of months I noticed that it was still there. I was running more and more and getting thinner and started to notice it more as it is in the upper region of my groin. But I could still convince mysel that is was nothing.
But I began to look for more. And found one in my neck. Went to the doc after a few weeks. He said he did not even feel it. Am I going crazy? Then I felt something near the collarbone. I googled and was convinced it was real bad. Next day I was at the doctors again. This time another male nurse felt it. He said it was nothing.
All in all months had past since my first visit and I was running 14 km sometimes 20 km. And did that like 3 times a week. So the weight kept coming of. This in combination with my spiking anxiety scared me that I was losing weight. It is strange because was that not the reason I started doing these runs?
Being thinner makes me feel everything a lot better. The node in my groin was still there (still is btw) and I could feel it very good. It seemed a little bigger now! The more I prodded it the harder it got. I also prodded my groin so much that everything just went ‘numb’.
I started dreaming about night sweats. I dared not (and still don’t) want to go to sleep because I fear waking up in sweat making this dreaded decease a reality. I had a couple of days with on going itching…
Every… single… day…. was/is… hell…
I had a panic attack and called the doc. They could not fit me in anymore and I scheduled an appointment for the next day first thing in the morning. I got of work at 17:00 (been in the toilet all day prodding -> like an intrusive thought I had to do that. Keep checking, keep checking. Still have problems not to touch it or other parts of my body btw). When I got home I went straight to bed. It was 17:30 when I ws lying there. I was thinking about my girls (i’m a divorced 39 year old man with 2 daughters) and just started crying. I could not stop. I lay there till the next day and I could go to the doctors.
I got in the door and just said: please help me. I need help. I am going crazy.
She suggested going to a psychiatrist and start with medication. I just nodded. Crying.
Then she started to research my groin. And yes, there where swollen nodes. But they seemed fine. Round, she did not think anything sinister was going on.
“So everything is fine?” I said. She explained to me that here are no guaranties in life and that she could not see inside.
I thought I would die on the spot.
But she could let me have an ultrasound for my peace of mind.
I died again.
But I raced to the hospital and not much later I was on a table.
“So your here about a suspicion regarding hodgkin?”
Third time I died.
I explained my severe anxiety. That I lost my mother when I was 14 (she was 35). She had kidney cancer.
He was very understanding. He went over my groin, stomach, belly, aorta. He found some in my groin where the doctor had found them. And just went ‘looks normal’, ‘this one is ok’, ‘looks good’. At the end all the nodes he found, and this guy was very serieus in looking, had a diameter of something 0,5 mm. He explained that they can swell up to 1 cm, that even then everything is still fine. That they start to do more tests after they swell up to 1,5 cm.
“So everything is fine?” I asked him. “Everything looks just normal” he responded.
I can not tell you the relief I felt. I went home just going ‘Thank you God, Thank you God’ over and over again.
BUT!
Then I started thinking: what if the nodes just keep on swelling? Why did the initial node not went down? What if this is just the beginning? Why was I so thin?
I started (in the car returning from this trip!) prodding my throat. And found that my left side did not resemble the right. It was far more lumpier.
All the relief I had felt was gone and replaced by more doubt and uncertainty. And I had a new problem with my throat.
I slept dreaming about having rock hard nodes on my neck. Well sleep… I have not have a night that I slept through in about a month. I sleep, wake up, feel for sweat, look at the clock, it almost feels like i can feel my groin swelling, and then I’m not even writing about all the other thoughts going through my mind.
Next day I had to go to work. I started prodding my throat in the car. And just went on going .My co-workers eventually just asked ‘’what the hell are you doing with your throat man?’. I just told them I was a big hypochondriac and that it feels wrong. They felt it and said it did not seem that strange to them. I told them I was getting help for the anxiety.
When I came home my throat was obviously very sore and I was afraid it would never feel ‘normal’ again. So I vowed that I would not touch it ever again. And miracle oh miracle, I did not touch it in the last 24 hours because that was yesterday.
But this morning I felt my node in my groin again. Why? Beats me. I’m going crazy remember. It did seem a little smaller since I last felt it. But I just felt it again at work (why am I not working?? Why am I typing this right here right now?!) and it feels bigger now. Obviously I poked it too much again. And remember that two days ago someone went with an ultrasound over this thing and said it was just a normal lymph node. Why can’t I leave it alone???
I then called the psychiatrist and have my first appointment next thursday.
So here I sit at my desk…
I can not run anymore because I think I sweat too much running? (<- who does not sweat when running? What is that??). I also worry to much about losing weight so I just want to gain weight, but the anxiety does not let me eat well…
Worrying that I lost weight, worrying about nodes in my groin, that I can feel my groin swell up right this moment(?), that my throat has all these lumps. Thinking if I should go home and weigh myself (but that would only fuel the anxiety), having this constant dreading feeling that I will be very sick and die in a few weeks.
So… boys and girls…
That is health anxiety for ya.
And God… please let it be HA….
This non relenting fear is crushing me…
I wish everyone that is suffering from this all the best. I wrote this all down so you know you are not alone.