Some help on my way back up

[Isjay]

Hi everyone,

I've suffered from social anxiety, or a phobia of certain social situations, and have been taking medication (beta blockers) for some time now. I fear meetings, presentations, any formal situation where everyone is likely to be looking at me and expecting me to present myself. It takes time for me to feel comfortable to talk in group situations. So now I am quite addicted to the medication and for some time it has been my prop in these situations and if I don't take it I feel the panic feelings rising. It's quite scary coming on a forum like this and risking putting it into words when it is something I have kept to myself for such a long time.

I have tried various things like CBT, but I think I am my own worst enemy. I guess I find it hard to buy into tricking my brain into getting healthy. However, what I have taken from it is that I need to slowly push myself to get a little bit more confident bit by bit. I thought I should come on here to remind myself of my progress with real people to encourage me, not just on my own as I have tried before. Also, to really tackle this thing instead of falling back on the easy way out of medication.

I wanted to share that this week I was brave in two out of three meetings I had to attend. The first one this week was with some quite important people and I think I coped because I knew I wasn't going to need to say very much. But I also think that the fact I managed to sit through it and not feel panicky and say one thing is a huge thing. The second meeting was a team meeting. I think part of the reason I am improving is that I am now in a secure job and my life is starting to feel more secure generally after many years of feeling quite adrift. The final meeting was today and was a big test for me. I had to talk about something and because I knew I would have to gather and hold my thoughts I wound myself up so much before the meeting that 5 minutes before I caved and took the medication. Now I am disappointed with myself, but I am also trying to rationalise why this one was a step too far on my recovery right now.

That ended up being quite a big post! I guess I have a lot of things that it would be good for me to work out but I haven't admitted to myself for a long time.

Thanks everyone, I hope that I will be able to share in the mutual support and I hope that this will be a good step for me in working things out.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya Isjay and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[lior]

Welcome Isjay. I hope you find this site useful. I have found it very useful myself.

You sound like you're progressing. Don't be too hard on yourself - forgive yourself. We do the best we can at the time with the information and resources we have.

It's a good step to join a site where you can find peer to peer support.

I don't see CBT as tricking the mind. CBT for me has identified healthy and unhealthy thoughts, behaviours and beliefs. The hardest bit for me was to realise I should change my beliefs - change beliefs to make you happy, even if you think they are wrong. I still struggle with this philosophically (live a lie and be happy vs know the truth and be depressed and unproductive?) yet I have changed some of my beliefs and I am happier than I was before.

[Isjay]

Hi Lior,

Thanks for your support and good advice. You are right, it is important to forgive ourselves and keep reminding ourselves that it's okay not to have a good day every day.

I can see this is just like quitting smoking, or any other bad habit that is unhealthy for you. It takes some willpower and self-reflection to make progress!