I don't know what to do anymore in terms of uni, work etc due to GAD, panics and OCD

[GingerFish]

I've been debating for a while whether or not to post thing as I haven't spoken to my family or friends for advice yet as I am a bit ashamed, confused and mostly just tired and can't be bothered explaining it over and over and even more likely, can't deal with what their reactions might be.

So a bit of background even though most of you will know me inside out by now - had GAD, panic attacks and agoraphobia for about 3 years now and was housebound from it for a few months and OCD I've had my whole life but this year has been the worst its ever been, especially the last few months. I've lost weight from not eating because of it and I'm catching every bug under the sun because I am so run down most of the time from lack of proper meals and I get barely any sleep plus I am always tense and worried about something.

About 3 weeks ago, I took what I would call a breakdown. I couldn't cope. I was screaming at my bf to take me to the local hospital because I just couldn't cope with the anxiety, panics and OCD any longer. I hadn't slept at all for 3 days at that point, I couldn't eat for my OCD fears and also my stepgran was dying so I had a lot on my plate. I called NHS24 claiming I was having a nervous breakdown out of utter desperation because my bf wouldn't drive me up. Thankfully they were very understanding and assured me it was most likely just stress because of everything that happened and urged me to get a docs appointment for the next day. So I went to the GP the next day and it was a new doctor I saw and she was lovely, the first understanding doctor I've met in regards to OCD. She really listened and saw it for what it is, a debilitating illness. She sent off an urgent referral to the psychologist for me and I am still waiting to hear back from them. She offered me meds but I can't even take ibuprofen at the mo even in extreme pain due to my OCD contamination fears so we agreed to deal with all my anxiety problems with therapy and self help.

So a few weeks on, I am a bit better in some regards. I am eating one meal a day now at least but its still hard work and my OCD and anxiety is still through the roof and my panics haven't lessened much. I keep getting this overwhelming thought/feeling that I am going to die soon. I don't mean that I'll kill myself, nothing like that, but I just feel like my body wont put up with this constant state of anxiety and tension for much longer and it'll just explode or collapse if you know what I mean? I have a constant feeling of dread in my gut, aches and pains everywhere, no appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, nausea, headache etc. I've noticed I feel worse at night time and as soon as it gets dark now as well.

So I'm at uni. I'm doing my degree with OU as I left college years ago when my panics started and didn't want to give up my education entirely. I had to defer uni twice in the past, once because of a death in the family and then because my mental health was bad (this time around is worse though) so was told this year would be my final chance to study the degree and if I deferred again without passing/completing my current modules, I wouldn't be able to study with OU again so there has been added pressure on my this year. I had an assignment due in when I was at my worst a few weeks ago and I didn't submit it and I am falling further and further behind every day. My heart isn't in it which really upsets me because I love science and I was so excited to finally get back to my degree this year. I am studying biology and my goal was to work in virology but I don't see any way I could do that with my OCD as my OCD is mainly contamination fears. I haven't spoken to my lecturers which I know is wrong, I haven't even spoke my to partner or family as I feel like a failure when there are plenty of other people out there with all sorts of illnesses who can still hold down a job or go to uni.

I told my doctor yesterday (the same one I went to at the start of the post) that I was thinking of quitting uni altogether and that if I did, I wouldn't have another chance and she didn't bat an eyelid. She didn't seem to find it a big deal. I also told her I have given up on my interests such as gaming, socialising etc and she didn't really say anything to that either. She felt like a different doctor to last time. I told her I have zero income at the mo, we are living off of my partner's student loan which is just £300 a month and I told her I don't know if I am ok to work and should apply for JSA or claim ESA and she said she didn't know either. I felt totally deflated after that appointment after she was so brilliant the first time. I felt like I was talking to myself tbh.

Suppose I am just looking for advice on whats best to do for everything - getting over this breakdown, what to do about uni and work and in general, how to just be me again.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think the obvious answer about your uni work is to talk to the lecturers and see how they react. They should have an understanding of anxiety given it's a pressurised environment for students. Perhaps they can offer some alternatives or help you organise things into more manageable chunks? We tend to get overwhelmed and look at things as a whole which just causes more anxiety when we need to step outside the situation and look at it step by step. They have experience in doing that within their work.

Your situation a few weeks back has a trigger that I don't recall you posting about before. So, since you were going through a traumatic time with your step gran it now makes more sense how you became so overwhelmed quite quickly, especially with not eating and not sleeping which would be sapping your resources and you wouldn't be recovering enough to be able to keep going.

It is disappointing about your GP but there could be reasons for this. Your GP could have been having a bad day or just not felt well themselves so struggled empathising. It happens. It could just be one of those days for her and whilst this doesn't help you, it's perhaps worth not judging her performance until you see her again as right now it's a 50/50 on her ability. From a GP's perspective they tend to worry about people withdrawing so I would have thought she would see that but in terms of the pressure of uni work she may think it is a good idea to remove some stressors until you get the help you need. If you were working she may have signed you off to give you a break.

Does she know about the the impact your OCD is having on your eating? Is your weight being monitored? You have made some good gains on your OCD recently but if it is affecting your physical health I think your GP should be keeping an eye to ensure you are remaining within a healthy range.

You picked a very strange degree for someone with your fears. But perhaps thats not a bad thing? If you were so afraid of it you wouldn't even want to engage with the information in that course but you obvious have interests in it. I think this is a good sign really because you don't totally fear the contamination issue and with support could get through it and your interests will take you further. Do you see what I mean? You wouldn't expect someone with a phobia of spiders to be studying a degree in them.

Don't worry about responses, this is a safe place and people will want to help you.

[GingerFish]

I think the obvious answer about your uni work is to talk to the lecturers and see how they react. They should have an understanding of anxiety given it's a pressurised environment for students. Perhaps they can offer some alternatives or help you organise things into more manageable chunks? We tend to get overwhelmed and look at things as a whole which just causes more anxiety when we need to step outside the situation and look at it step by step. They have experience in doing that within their work.

Your situation a few weeks back has a trigger that I don't recall you posting about before. So, since you were going through a traumatic time with your step gran it now makes more sense how you became so overwhelmed quite quickly, especially with not eating and not sleeping which would be sapping your resources and you wouldn't be recovering enough to be able to keep going.

It is disappointing about your GP but there could be reasons for this. Your GP could have been having a bad day or just not felt well themselves so struggled empathising. It happens. It could just be one of those days for her and whilst this doesn't help you, it's perhaps worth not judging her performance until you see her again as right now it's a 50/50 on her ability. From a GP's perspective they tend to worry about people withdrawing so I would have thought she would see that but in terms of the pressure of uni work she may think it is a good idea to remove some stressors until you get the help you need. If you were working she may have signed you off to give you a break.

Does she know about the the impact your OCD is having on your eating? Is your weight being monitored? You have made some good gains on your OCD recently but if it is affecting your physical health I think your GP should be keeping an eye to ensure you are remaining within a healthy range.

You picked a very strange degree for someone with your fears. But perhaps thats not a bad thing? If you were so afraid of it you wouldn't even want to engage with the information in that course but you obvious have interests in it. I think this is a good sign really because you don't totally fear the contamination issue and with support could get through it and your interests will take you further. Do you see what I mean? You wouldn't expect someone with a phobia of spiders to be studying a degree in them.

Don't worry about responses, this is a safe place and people will want to help you.

Thanks for a great reply, Terry. As always! I am going to email my lecturers now. How to word it will be the trickiest part but best to inform them now rather than when I miss the next assignments coming up.


Yeah my stepgran was at death's door as she bounced back for a day or two and then got pneumonia and now she is in a coma. Doctors don't see her lasting until Christmas so my mum and stepdad (remember he was diagnosed with Parkinson's a few months back) have to keep going to down England every few weeks to check on her and her affairs and that has been hard too and then my papa is on the transplant list and he hasn't been in the pink lately either so its been one thing after another.

Yeah the doctor knows about how the OCD has been affecting my eating. She said that's why she made the referral urgent since I am losing weight. She checked my weight yesterday to the weight I was when I had my contraceptive pill review in June and I have lost close to a stone and a half. I'm still classed as a healthy weight as I went from about 10 stone 5 to around 9 stone but she said I can't keep on losing weight like that, especially when its pretty much caused by starving myself through fear. All she really said about uni was "I'm sure there are other options for you" and then the subject was changed, which surprised me because like you say, usually doctors take that very seriously.

I used to study biomedical sciences at college before OU and always had an interest in microbiology, viruses in particular even despite my OCD. Maybe its because my OCD contamination fears have mostly been related to drugs and poisons and not so much germs until recently.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thanks, I really appreciate that.

Well we OCD guys do tend to crave information & understanding. I think it's good for you though because you have an area close to your fear that you actually have a healhty interest in so it won't spill over into a wider fear of germs. Thats a positive I reckon and I would tell any therapist about this because they might be able to use it as a way to approach other fears.

I'm glad your GP is monitoring your weight and that you are still within a healthy range. You might be interested in Kimberley's eating thread on this board as she has OCD too and it affected her weight. She is in a much better place now after havcing therapy. If you read her thread early on and saw her threads on the OCD board and compared them to now you would see a massive change and we've told her this a few times when she's has a wobble. I hope she sees your thread but she's not the only one with eating issues or ED's on here so hopefully they will comment too.

I think GP's sometimes don't know what to say, don't have the time or even just give out some pleasantries. Their incite into the impact on our health is important but in terms of the rest we need to use other support sources like lecturers, family, peers, etc as a GP won't understand a lot of the issues involved. It's the same with work, they will try to advise but when it comes down to contractual law and your rights they won't know as much and don't get too involved in case they mislead you.

You've been through a hell of a lot and still are. One big issue I have found with my OCD (and GAD is my primary condition) is that increased overall levels of anxiety will increase the symptoms of my OCD. Working on my OCD then was always pretty much impossible so I worked on the GAD to pull the rug from under it. This worked far better. So, whilst this is very very hard right now, if you have the ability to work on relaxation and reducing some stress, you should see some reduction in the intensity & frequency of your OCD.

You are a big Weekes fan. I found Mindfulness a great helper with OCD. Learning the meditation form and how to observe thoughts, feelins & sensations as opposed to interacting with them might be a bit likes Weekes' "floating". Maybe it could be a springboard to using both methods?

[GingerFish]

I'll check out Kimberley's thread. I think her experience will help me :)

Today has been pretty hard so far. I got little sleep last night and woke up with a killer headache. It started at my neck and went all the way to my forehead. I think I slept on it funny because my neck and back were agony to touch. Thankfully its gone now but my anxiety was sky high with that thinking "oh what if its meningitis" and crap like that which I knew was silly and then my boyfriend is at college all day so I felt quite lonely and then my mum and stepdad came up to help decorate the spare room in my flat. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepdad to bits but see when I feel anxious or panicky, he's the last person I want to be around. I dunno why. Maybe its because I've panicked so much around my mum and partner that thru have seen me at my worst so I'm no longer embarrassed to have one around them. So I've been in a constant state of holding in how I feel while they are here. I've just said I'm on my period just in case I do come across as moody or quiet. Boyfriend will be back in about 2 hours thankfully.

I have barely eaten either since I woke up with a dodgy stomach but that seems to be the norm these days. I've had a sandwich and a biscuit but I'll need to try and eat more especially since I'll be helping with the room. Hoping all the scrapping and painting later will tire me out for bed later!

[Sunflower2]

Hey Gingerfish, I was just reading through your thread thinking it was like me and then saw that Terry mentioned that! I'm not on so much any more because my life is so hectic but I very much remember feeling how you felt.

Around a year ago I was at uni, starving myself because of OCD, referred to both psychology and eating disorders, miserable and felt unable to cope at all. I stopped going to uni and had to meet my lecturers to discuss what I was going to do as I was missing so much uni. In the end I just did heaps and heaps of work when I was feeling fine, and I did end up passing my exams pretty well despite everything. Seeing a therapist for weekly intensive cbt made a big difference to me, as I had to face the issues head on rather than just keep on avoiding things. So hopefully you will have an appointment soon! Therapy also managed to get me to a place to where I could take medication. I had a massive relapse after therapy ended, but the skills I learnt were still there so I took a big leap of faith and took sertraline. This is what has made the biggest difference to me. But, it's a personal preference of course and I wish I didn't need it!

As for food, eat little and often and go by the thought that your body needs fuel to keep going. Stick to things you enjoy and that you see as safe. I lived off of potatoes, cheese, chocolate and bread for months! I looked horrendous but I survived. I was a much lower weight than you, although I still am very underweight for my height even though I'm eating normally!

Sorry I don't have much more advice at the moment, I will have a think what else helped me and my thread had soooo much advice from a few other members so have a look at that! I warn you it is very long!

Remember you will get through this. It feels like nothing will ever change and I still have days where it gets to me, but trust me it gets better and you will be able to get your life back. I'm just about to start moving out on my own and I've been at my job for almost a year as an engineer which is pretty stressful at times! :) the goal is to do what you'd like without your anxiety telling you that you can't!

[Emma1027]

It might be a better idea to get a part time job or possibly two different part time jobs. It's better not too take on too many hours and increase stress. Things to think about is can you actually get a job in the area of work you want after years of hard studying and will you be truly happen in the job.

[MissyMischief]

I have emetophobia which has messed up my eating habits. If I'm feeling anxious (which is often), I don't want to eat anything, so sometimes I won't. I've gotten to the point where I can eat a protein bar in the morning and drink water. In the evening I usually feel a lot better and can eat more. I think light, healthy meals and snacks are the best way to do it. I also take a multivitamin to make up for any missing nutrients.

It's too bad you are having a blip right now. I know how hard it is. You will bounce back eventually. I bet the counseling you get will help loads. And I bet your doctor will be in better spirits the next time you see her. You can always take a break from school and come back. Many, many people have to put their schooling on hold because of life events that are out of their control.

[GingerFish]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Still haven't heard back from my lecturers yet. I am keen on staying at uni because even though my main goal was to study viruses, I could also use a biology degree to work with animals and you all know I am a big animal lover. I maybe could still work with viruses or maybe even teach microbiology if I got my OCD and anxiety under control which hopefully I should. I wont be graduating for a very long time anyway, about another 4 yrs. I love science in general and I know I am good at the subject, its the motivation I sometimes lack especially when I am in a bad state like this.

Money wise I don't know which benefit to apply for. I might try talking to a benefits advisor or citizens advice or something like that because we can't live off of the £300 we get a month from my partner's student loan and its selfish of me to just live off of that and not bring anything to the table myself.

I managed to get some sleep last night, just about six hours but the night before I was lucky if I got an hour. My OCD was through the roof last night. I took an ibuprofen since my bad headache came back and there was no way I could sleep with it so gave in and finally took something. The tablet worked but all I could think were things like "its laced with this that and the other", "it could be comtaminated" and I sat there for about 2 hours in my panicked state only for nothing to happen...as always. OCD never learns, or at least that is how it feels.

[GingerFish]

Stepdad has took another mini stroke :(

[GingerFish]

So yesterday my stepdad took a mini stroke and thankfully after tests at the hospital, he was discharged last night. I'm very relieved at that. My stress was through the roof yesterday as you can imagine and I didn't sleep well the night before which didn't help. I only got about 4 hours sleep last night despite being absolutely exhausted as I was running here and there yesterday. I went to bed at 7pm last night and I didn't fall asleep until 1am. I tossed and turned all night and then ended up just watching TV shows on my phone. I was too hot and itchy then I was anxious then I was restless. Just one of those nights I suppose.

My boyfriend is at college today until 1pm so I am alone atm and that's making me a little extra anxious but I'll just have to grin and bear it. This Hurricane Abigail isn't helping. Thankfully where I am in Scotland isn't as bad as the Hebrides but its still pretty bad and it makes me feel trapped in my flat when the weather is like this.

One good thing that happened yesterday - even though I was so stressed and when I am stressed usually I don't eat at all, I managed to eat 3 full meals during the day of the first time in months. For ages I have been living off of one meal a day due to OCD but yesterday I ate fine and tbh, enjoyed every mouthful!

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear about your stepdad but it's good news they discharged him so quickly. :hugs: This bound to spike your anxiety, it would for anyone. Try to recognise that a large proportion of that is what any person would feel when faced with such a frightening experience.

I'm glad to hear you have been able to eat and not just that but the fact you enjoyed it. Wanting to do things is so much more powerful than having to do them. So, where do you go from here? Will you keep trying to eat a bit more over the next few days? Even if it is more meals but small portions? It seems worth it or when you come to confront it again the worries will be there when right now you can work off the back of a positive experience.

[GingerFish]

Yeah it really has spiked my anxiety. I've barely slept for the last few days and my chest and upper back have been agony, especially to touch and move and whenever I do drift, I kept getting palpitations and felt like my body forgot how to breathe while I was drifting if you know what I mean and I have a general overall uneasy feeling. Classic anxiety I suppose. I'm going to try my best to eat good today. Even if I don't manage how much I ate a few days ago, I'll at least root for more than I've been eating lately.

This storm has been bad here and that hasn't helped. I feel trapped in my flat when the weather is like this and trapped is the last thing I want to feel more of. We are also out of gas until later today when we get a topup so I haven't been able to do my usual and just jump in a bath whenever I feel highly anxious or if I'm achy all over like I am now.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yeah, I've been through that heightened state where you are afraid to fall asleep even though you want to. Again, it's the anxiety control issue. Your body will force you to sleep when it really needs it. Try to have a sleep routine where you "warm down", by removing exciting things and do things like reading, chamomile tea, relaxation exercises, etc as it can help.

Hopefully the storm is just going now. We've had lots of gales for about 4 days now but it's calming down a bit. Not too much rain at least. The weather did used to bother me a lot when I was much worse than now. You can struggle accepting the changes in season but this does get much easier in time as you recover.

[GingerFish]

Quite proud of myself today. I woke up feeling hungover, I only had 3 JDs and cokes last night at my mum's but that was enough to leave me feeling crappy today but I decided to pull my finger out my arse and got some of my assignment that's due in on Thursday done. I got 2 questions done and the last one I'm going to do tomorrow. I have a rough idea on what I am doing for it so I should get it done in about an hour. I was going to get it all done today but I could feel the tension mounting, my heart beating quickly, stomach churning and nausea etc as I pushed myself harder and harder and then I realised I had done enough for today and can do the last question tonight or tomorrow. So proud as I was so close to just saying F it and leaving uni altogether.

[GingerFish]

Finished and submitted my assessment this morning before 10am. Quite chuffed that I managed to push myself on and not throw in the towel. Now cue the huge sigh of relief...until the results come back anyway! My OCD has been OK lately, flares ups here and there but its been mainly my panic attacks for the first time in a wee while that have been the number one problem.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well done Gingerfish!

Do you think it was a case of everything overwhelming you and then comes to the catastrophizing? When you paced yourself and saw some productive output you seemed much happier about the situation.

Do you think this will serve as a lesson learned for when you feel like that in the future?