Help! And hope needed, someone please reply

[jadedreams]

Hey guys - things are really bugging me at the moment. Have had one after another thing hit me lately, things breaking around the house and costly repairs, dental stuff, etc. So lots of added stress.

My anxiety/depression/intrusive thoughts have been worse since about mid September, don't know what to do. Feel like I must be doing something wrong, just saw the doc last week and they tweaked my meds a bit, changed dosages but didn't change any types of meds. I also started with a new counselor last week as my previous one was not really helping and we had a disconnect of sorts. Was supposed to have a second meeting with the new counselor today, but she called to let me know she was ill and needed to reschedule for next week.

So now I'm in a bit of a tailspin, was really hoping to talk to her today and get out all these emotions I'm feeling inside. Guess I'm going to attempt to do that here with you guys if you don't mind. My anxiety is with me everyday, but it does go up and down during the day. I'm depressed because I still have anxiety and haven't seen improvement in a while. Still having intrusive thoughts every day (not as many as in the beginning I admit) but sometimes they still bug me a lot. They have mostly been about harm to myself, with just a few of harm to others.

Last night I was just sitting watching tv, anxiety was lower and wham I got hit with an intrusive thought. Freaked me out to be honest, sometimes they do bother me and sometimes I can let them go. I ended up going to bed early because I was tired, then I woke up the middle of the night to use the restroom and wham there was another intrusive thought. Don't usually get them in the middle of the night, so it really bothered me.

It is still bothering me now. I'm just scared, I don't even feel like me anymore - I feel like this person who is scared of her own shadow, scared to be alone and cries at the drop of the hat. I *miss* the old me so much, I used to be confident, strong and able to do anything I put my mind to. I had fun and was goofy, laughed at myself, made things, fixed things up and looked forward to the future. What happened to her? Is she gone forever, I sure hope not. That's the other thing I feel like I've lost my hope for getting better. There has to be a way, right?

Please any thoughts or words or anything would be so appreciated right now.. Thanks everyone.

[jenblacksheep]

Hi Jade,

First off, you're old self is not gone forever. I can't believe that. If you know who you used to be and you want to get back to her, I believe you will find a way.

I feel a bit like that at the moment, I know I'm not exactly my usual self, and I'm desperately trying not to give in to the thoughts that I'll be like this forever. I know that in time I'll go back to who I was.

Something I do is try and put time into perspective. For example, you can't see your therapist this week and you'll see her next week - a week in the scheme of your life is nothing, the time will pass, and before you know it you'll see her. I do this at night when I can't sleep, when it's 2am and I feel helpless and there's noone to talk to - just distract myself for a few hours, it's just a few hours and then it'll be morning and I can get on with the day. I've found it works for longer periods of time too, a few weeks, even a few months.

I'm new to these forums and am always wary of giving people advise. But I hope this works for you. If not, feel free to message me, even if it's just to rant about how your feeling :)

[jadedreams]

Thanks Jen, I really appreciate it. It's good to know I'm not alone. And I do want my life back so much, just not quite sure how to get there. Please feel free to message me too.