sl1nky
12-11-15, 22:09
This may be too long for some to read and i don't expect anyone to read it all, but this is just me getting some stuff off my chest, it does prove that no matter how bad it can get you can always come out on top.
If at any point reading this bothers you then please stop reading.
So i'll begin at the very beginning, as far back as i can remember.
We was never a wealthy family, my mum was a stay at home mother, and farther was a plasterer. However my farther was a violent drunk, he'd almost drink everyday... A couple and he's jolly, 8 beers down and he's a bit of a pr**k. I remember as a child, while he's been in that state, if i did something wrong he'd whack me over the head with his monster sized palms and of course i'd cry, but he'd keep hitting me telling me "stop crying" until I stopped, he'd do the same to both of my sisters if it was them. My mother would shout at him to stop hitting me over the head so hard, but little good that ever did.
My parents always would get into huge fights, and when they did he'd get angry, and when he got angry he'd lash out on the house and furniture. He'd smash tables, or anything close. He'd often aim his fist at a door, smashing right through it, to the point his arms and knuckles were dripping in blood, this happened so often that a lot of our rooms, in various houses where missing doors. It was like up until i was about 9 years old. Despite all that i still got on with him, mostly when he wasn't drunk, i looked up to him and i now i have no clue why i did. Speeding this up a bit eventually my mother caught him cheating with another woman he met online, she managed to kick him out the house. I'd remember he'd visit every so often and try to get back with her. She made note of the number of the woman he was cheating on her with, she told me and my sisters that she had it hidden in her jewelry box in her room.
So one day, don't know whats going through my mind being so young and all, but i get the number and threaten to call it and demand that she leave our family alone. My mother told my farther what i did (donno what went through her mind either) but later the same day he knocks on our front door. First lightly, then harder, until he was eventually booting at it, my sister as clueless as ever goes to open it but just before she does he kicks the door in, the swinging door's knock back almost hitting her. He storms in drunk, goes into the kitchen, grabs a hammer and smashes the landline telephone into pieces right there on the kitchen floor. My mother and sister are all scatter in fear into the living room as he drags my older sister by her hair, punching at her arms and demands she give him his youngest son, who she was holding at the time, covering him with her body making sure he didn't get hit. Immense screaming from all angles me and my younger sister got by the stairs which i can't remember how, so much went on and so quickly, with my elder sisters phone calling the police. After some commotion my mother manages to gather us all and we run for the door, as fast as possible around the corner and into a driveway that lead to a home. The people there were nice enough to lend me a blanket, being only in pajama bottoms on a cold day, im thank full for those kind people.
Eventually the police came and arrested him, after that my mother was never the same.
While he was in prison my mother spiraled downwards, not being able to see that then i sure do understand it now. After some time she must have gotten extremely depressed to the point she started harming herself. We found this out after my older sister walked into her room and stumbled upon her doing it. Screaming the house down, we all come running to her room and we all see her in this state. We ended up living at my aunts for 6 months after because she had become too "unstable" to be by herself. Eventually she replaced the self harming with alcohol, some nights shed come home and we'd all have to help her get up the stairs and into bed. At this point my oldest sister, who was only 17-18 was looking after us. I started high school, at the age of 11 I think, worst year of my life! I got bullied rather badly, i wasn't the best looking kid, i had scruffy hair, hand me down uniform and i sure as hell didn't fit in with many people.
Out of all that over the years some light was shed, my mother met a guy from the army and it started to get serious, so they decided to move in together. However because he was in the army he moved to a new post every so often and he was living in Northern Ireland. She give us the choice to either live with our dad or her, me being a "daddies boy" i stupidly go live with my dad, because i had visited for a summer holiday and i had made friends with my step brothers (remember that woman he cheated on my mom with, well he ended up living with her after he got out of prison). So i moved in my with my dad and my mum moved to Ireland with her new soon to be husband.
I got into several fights in my new high school because of my cockney accent and from being defending my friends from bullies. One i didn't even perticually want to get into, i said "no" so many times but out there on the playground, someone behind me pushed me into the "opponent" and it all kicked off from there. Another was because this lad wouldn't stop whiping my friend with his tie knotted at the end, so i nicly told him to stop, he didn't, so i kinda beat the crap out of him... :noangel: High school here was far better than it was back in Luton though.
All was good up until collage, im about 17 I had met a girl who i'd grown to like a lot, we'd start spending more and more time together, to the point it was almost everyday. She started getting extremely jealous, before i knew her i was already good friends with 2 females and she didn't like this at all. She'd force me to stop talking to them with the use of endless tears, in the end i did, but i'd always find myself missing them and speaking to them regardless of her orders. This ended badly, she eventually got violent the more i opposed and it lead on several occasions that she would pin me down, punch and slapped me, spit on me with all out bursts of rage. Although i let it slide a little too many times, she eventually fell pregnant with my son, on one case she pined me down while pregnant and claimed i tried to kick her off me, she never realized i was struggling to breath and i cant quite remember what drove her to do this. But i wasn't allowed any female friends, i had to come home straight away after university, she had to be with me everywhere and i had no space.
My son was born, all was well, but come 3 days before an exam i tell her i want to go home to study in peace as her house was extremely noisy and im under a lot of stress. But she didn't like that idea so before i left she hit me over the head pretty hard 3-4 times, by this point i'd of snapped... I actually grabbed her by the throat and said "don't dare lay a hand on me" and pushed her back and made for the door.
She later turnt up at my house the same day, got on her knees and begged me to take he back, clinging to my leg and all but i was far too fed up and said no. She refused and i couldn't get her to leave so she ended up staying the night but left in the morning. Later down the line everything become about providing money for my son, which i did, more than enough but she kept wanting more. One weekend of seeing my son things break out in an argument about her demanding money, i tell her i don't have none but she persists like i was lying. She followed me back home, with my son, i took him in, then she decided to break out in rage at the door before she was meant to leave. Eventually my step mother come to the door and started roaring what-not, im just standing there in between them not saying a thing, and BAM she tw*ts me one right in the face, for absolutely nothing. My step mother instantly forces her out the door, she fights back but she manages to close it. She's booting the door demanding our son that i give him back like i'd of kidnapped him or something, but eventually my stepmom persuades me to give him back so i did. Then she stormed off. Before that, soon after she hit me, i had called the police. They show up after she leaves, they ask me if i wanted to pursue but i said no because i knew i couldn't take care of a child on my own, no job, living at home and being at university and all, i had dreams to get an education my entire life.
Eventually things died down, i no longer saw my son after that for the good of 2 years, i still send birthday presents and cards on holiday events. In that time i had fallen extremely low and once vowing never to drugs i eventually found myself smoking weed, and not going to lie, that was the happiest i had felt in 3 damn weeks before all my money drained up. Maybe the drug was the trigger but maybe it was just realizing how low i had become of myself, not to say that anyone doing drugs is low, but that was a pretty low point for me. Plenty of times i had to run to the bathroom to break down and cry, shortly after i stopped smoking it i developed GAD. Out of the blue i had a panic attack, admitted to hospital, no signs of life threatening problems and i was sent home just like that... Anxious every waking moment that i might drop dead at any given time, they put me on beta blockers which helped slightly but even to this very day i still suffer much unwanted and uncontrollable worry.
I made it past my 2nd year at university and i was now on a placement year looking for a placement job. I was working with my dad as a clearer at sainsburys during the time, eventually i pulled through so happy to have achieved such an amazing job. A building with glass offices peering over the albert dock, it was amazing! But yet my dreaded life didn't want me to ever see light.
A few days after quitting my old job to start the new placement, im sitting in my room, i don't leave my room much due to the GAD, don't really have any friends, just sat at my computer all day, come out of it to eat now and again. But anyway, im sitting in my room, its late, someones knocking at the door quite aggressively, i wonder why nobody is answering it and i decide to get up and open it myself. I attempted to open the door but it was on the latch, i undo the latch, open the door and my dad storms in questioning why the door was on the latch and i honestly didn't know. He storms around the house looking for my step mom, turnt out she was upstairs putting their son to bed. I'm just like "well okay then" and head back to my room. Soon after they are arguing quite loudly downstairs, i had my door a little open and could hear it all.
He accuses my step-mum of sleeping with me... In all honestly i was sat up stairs, at my computer desk and i may have belted out a bit of a laugh. Only because it was such a ridiculous accusation! Anyway, she called me down "come here and tell your dad that he's being stupid" and so i get up, just a few steps down the stairs and he roars "IF HE COMES DOWN HERE IM GONNA KNOCK HIM THE F*CK OUT!" and i stop dead in my tracks, the stupid grin on my face dropped and i just felt overwhelming worry. After phasing back and forth in my room worrying if he's going to storm upstairs and kill me, i eventually gain the courage to pack some stuff and leave thee house in an instant. I felt really awkward being there, i was worrying about all sorts of stuff like if i had staid he might kill me in my sleep, but if i hadn't of staid he might think that i actually did it... (which i didn't, ew.) I leave and return in the morning but the same thing happened the next night he started fighting with the step-mum about the same subject but except he bought home a few beers this time, before shit could escalate and he could juice himself with the will power to legitimately kill me this time i got out of that house. I come home the following morning and they all act like nothing happened, later the same day he comes in my room and tells me to pack and get out by 6.
I was homeless for 4 days, i managed to get in touch with my mom and she come to my rescue within 4 hours of driving up from Oxford. After that, i was living with my mum now, new scene, new area, no friends (didn't have any to begin with but it all felt a little more hopeless) but she took care of me, put clothes on my back, fed me all for free. But regardless, he messaged my mum and claimed he had a recording of me "doing the deed" with the step mother (i know i didn't so i question), i asked him to show me it and he accused me of deleting it off his phone... How do i delete something i didn't even know? That was my reply and he quickly got all defensive.
But yeah, i lost my placement job due to becoming homeless and having to move half way across the country. I lived with my mum until i returned to university for my final year, the 4th but between that time i'd still break down crying in the bathroom, i'd never go out door to the point if i did the sun would hurt my eyes for a good few hours. Now i live back in Liverpool, but in student accommodation this time. The other day someone started banging at our front door at 3am, i got to investigate thinking it was one of my housemates who perhaps forgot their keys, but we where all stood in the hall way so it couldn't be any of us. We politely tell him to leave and that he had the wrong apartment and he left, but being shocked awake i couldn't get back to sleep cause all that was running through my mind was the day he booted in the door all thoes years ago. I can't seem to escape the sheer terror I've had of this monster my entire.
But besides all that im now 21, having lived through these things i've grown in myself stronger, i've now started to see my son again on a weekly basis, it is his birthday today, 12/11/15, he's now 3 and i was glad to have been able to see him the following weekend. I am also now just started reciving CBT and i hope for that to end well too.
Thanks for reading, i know it was long and i hope it didn't offend or upset anyone, but i haven't ever once said any of this before...
If at any point reading this bothers you then please stop reading.
So i'll begin at the very beginning, as far back as i can remember.
We was never a wealthy family, my mum was a stay at home mother, and farther was a plasterer. However my farther was a violent drunk, he'd almost drink everyday... A couple and he's jolly, 8 beers down and he's a bit of a pr**k. I remember as a child, while he's been in that state, if i did something wrong he'd whack me over the head with his monster sized palms and of course i'd cry, but he'd keep hitting me telling me "stop crying" until I stopped, he'd do the same to both of my sisters if it was them. My mother would shout at him to stop hitting me over the head so hard, but little good that ever did.
My parents always would get into huge fights, and when they did he'd get angry, and when he got angry he'd lash out on the house and furniture. He'd smash tables, or anything close. He'd often aim his fist at a door, smashing right through it, to the point his arms and knuckles were dripping in blood, this happened so often that a lot of our rooms, in various houses where missing doors. It was like up until i was about 9 years old. Despite all that i still got on with him, mostly when he wasn't drunk, i looked up to him and i now i have no clue why i did. Speeding this up a bit eventually my mother caught him cheating with another woman he met online, she managed to kick him out the house. I'd remember he'd visit every so often and try to get back with her. She made note of the number of the woman he was cheating on her with, she told me and my sisters that she had it hidden in her jewelry box in her room.
So one day, don't know whats going through my mind being so young and all, but i get the number and threaten to call it and demand that she leave our family alone. My mother told my farther what i did (donno what went through her mind either) but later the same day he knocks on our front door. First lightly, then harder, until he was eventually booting at it, my sister as clueless as ever goes to open it but just before she does he kicks the door in, the swinging door's knock back almost hitting her. He storms in drunk, goes into the kitchen, grabs a hammer and smashes the landline telephone into pieces right there on the kitchen floor. My mother and sister are all scatter in fear into the living room as he drags my older sister by her hair, punching at her arms and demands she give him his youngest son, who she was holding at the time, covering him with her body making sure he didn't get hit. Immense screaming from all angles me and my younger sister got by the stairs which i can't remember how, so much went on and so quickly, with my elder sisters phone calling the police. After some commotion my mother manages to gather us all and we run for the door, as fast as possible around the corner and into a driveway that lead to a home. The people there were nice enough to lend me a blanket, being only in pajama bottoms on a cold day, im thank full for those kind people.
Eventually the police came and arrested him, after that my mother was never the same.
While he was in prison my mother spiraled downwards, not being able to see that then i sure do understand it now. After some time she must have gotten extremely depressed to the point she started harming herself. We found this out after my older sister walked into her room and stumbled upon her doing it. Screaming the house down, we all come running to her room and we all see her in this state. We ended up living at my aunts for 6 months after because she had become too "unstable" to be by herself. Eventually she replaced the self harming with alcohol, some nights shed come home and we'd all have to help her get up the stairs and into bed. At this point my oldest sister, who was only 17-18 was looking after us. I started high school, at the age of 11 I think, worst year of my life! I got bullied rather badly, i wasn't the best looking kid, i had scruffy hair, hand me down uniform and i sure as hell didn't fit in with many people.
Out of all that over the years some light was shed, my mother met a guy from the army and it started to get serious, so they decided to move in together. However because he was in the army he moved to a new post every so often and he was living in Northern Ireland. She give us the choice to either live with our dad or her, me being a "daddies boy" i stupidly go live with my dad, because i had visited for a summer holiday and i had made friends with my step brothers (remember that woman he cheated on my mom with, well he ended up living with her after he got out of prison). So i moved in my with my dad and my mum moved to Ireland with her new soon to be husband.
I got into several fights in my new high school because of my cockney accent and from being defending my friends from bullies. One i didn't even perticually want to get into, i said "no" so many times but out there on the playground, someone behind me pushed me into the "opponent" and it all kicked off from there. Another was because this lad wouldn't stop whiping my friend with his tie knotted at the end, so i nicly told him to stop, he didn't, so i kinda beat the crap out of him... :noangel: High school here was far better than it was back in Luton though.
All was good up until collage, im about 17 I had met a girl who i'd grown to like a lot, we'd start spending more and more time together, to the point it was almost everyday. She started getting extremely jealous, before i knew her i was already good friends with 2 females and she didn't like this at all. She'd force me to stop talking to them with the use of endless tears, in the end i did, but i'd always find myself missing them and speaking to them regardless of her orders. This ended badly, she eventually got violent the more i opposed and it lead on several occasions that she would pin me down, punch and slapped me, spit on me with all out bursts of rage. Although i let it slide a little too many times, she eventually fell pregnant with my son, on one case she pined me down while pregnant and claimed i tried to kick her off me, she never realized i was struggling to breath and i cant quite remember what drove her to do this. But i wasn't allowed any female friends, i had to come home straight away after university, she had to be with me everywhere and i had no space.
My son was born, all was well, but come 3 days before an exam i tell her i want to go home to study in peace as her house was extremely noisy and im under a lot of stress. But she didn't like that idea so before i left she hit me over the head pretty hard 3-4 times, by this point i'd of snapped... I actually grabbed her by the throat and said "don't dare lay a hand on me" and pushed her back and made for the door.
She later turnt up at my house the same day, got on her knees and begged me to take he back, clinging to my leg and all but i was far too fed up and said no. She refused and i couldn't get her to leave so she ended up staying the night but left in the morning. Later down the line everything become about providing money for my son, which i did, more than enough but she kept wanting more. One weekend of seeing my son things break out in an argument about her demanding money, i tell her i don't have none but she persists like i was lying. She followed me back home, with my son, i took him in, then she decided to break out in rage at the door before she was meant to leave. Eventually my step mother come to the door and started roaring what-not, im just standing there in between them not saying a thing, and BAM she tw*ts me one right in the face, for absolutely nothing. My step mother instantly forces her out the door, she fights back but she manages to close it. She's booting the door demanding our son that i give him back like i'd of kidnapped him or something, but eventually my stepmom persuades me to give him back so i did. Then she stormed off. Before that, soon after she hit me, i had called the police. They show up after she leaves, they ask me if i wanted to pursue but i said no because i knew i couldn't take care of a child on my own, no job, living at home and being at university and all, i had dreams to get an education my entire life.
Eventually things died down, i no longer saw my son after that for the good of 2 years, i still send birthday presents and cards on holiday events. In that time i had fallen extremely low and once vowing never to drugs i eventually found myself smoking weed, and not going to lie, that was the happiest i had felt in 3 damn weeks before all my money drained up. Maybe the drug was the trigger but maybe it was just realizing how low i had become of myself, not to say that anyone doing drugs is low, but that was a pretty low point for me. Plenty of times i had to run to the bathroom to break down and cry, shortly after i stopped smoking it i developed GAD. Out of the blue i had a panic attack, admitted to hospital, no signs of life threatening problems and i was sent home just like that... Anxious every waking moment that i might drop dead at any given time, they put me on beta blockers which helped slightly but even to this very day i still suffer much unwanted and uncontrollable worry.
I made it past my 2nd year at university and i was now on a placement year looking for a placement job. I was working with my dad as a clearer at sainsburys during the time, eventually i pulled through so happy to have achieved such an amazing job. A building with glass offices peering over the albert dock, it was amazing! But yet my dreaded life didn't want me to ever see light.
A few days after quitting my old job to start the new placement, im sitting in my room, i don't leave my room much due to the GAD, don't really have any friends, just sat at my computer all day, come out of it to eat now and again. But anyway, im sitting in my room, its late, someones knocking at the door quite aggressively, i wonder why nobody is answering it and i decide to get up and open it myself. I attempted to open the door but it was on the latch, i undo the latch, open the door and my dad storms in questioning why the door was on the latch and i honestly didn't know. He storms around the house looking for my step mom, turnt out she was upstairs putting their son to bed. I'm just like "well okay then" and head back to my room. Soon after they are arguing quite loudly downstairs, i had my door a little open and could hear it all.
He accuses my step-mum of sleeping with me... In all honestly i was sat up stairs, at my computer desk and i may have belted out a bit of a laugh. Only because it was such a ridiculous accusation! Anyway, she called me down "come here and tell your dad that he's being stupid" and so i get up, just a few steps down the stairs and he roars "IF HE COMES DOWN HERE IM GONNA KNOCK HIM THE F*CK OUT!" and i stop dead in my tracks, the stupid grin on my face dropped and i just felt overwhelming worry. After phasing back and forth in my room worrying if he's going to storm upstairs and kill me, i eventually gain the courage to pack some stuff and leave thee house in an instant. I felt really awkward being there, i was worrying about all sorts of stuff like if i had staid he might kill me in my sleep, but if i hadn't of staid he might think that i actually did it... (which i didn't, ew.) I leave and return in the morning but the same thing happened the next night he started fighting with the step-mum about the same subject but except he bought home a few beers this time, before shit could escalate and he could juice himself with the will power to legitimately kill me this time i got out of that house. I come home the following morning and they all act like nothing happened, later the same day he comes in my room and tells me to pack and get out by 6.
I was homeless for 4 days, i managed to get in touch with my mom and she come to my rescue within 4 hours of driving up from Oxford. After that, i was living with my mum now, new scene, new area, no friends (didn't have any to begin with but it all felt a little more hopeless) but she took care of me, put clothes on my back, fed me all for free. But regardless, he messaged my mum and claimed he had a recording of me "doing the deed" with the step mother (i know i didn't so i question), i asked him to show me it and he accused me of deleting it off his phone... How do i delete something i didn't even know? That was my reply and he quickly got all defensive.
But yeah, i lost my placement job due to becoming homeless and having to move half way across the country. I lived with my mum until i returned to university for my final year, the 4th but between that time i'd still break down crying in the bathroom, i'd never go out door to the point if i did the sun would hurt my eyes for a good few hours. Now i live back in Liverpool, but in student accommodation this time. The other day someone started banging at our front door at 3am, i got to investigate thinking it was one of my housemates who perhaps forgot their keys, but we where all stood in the hall way so it couldn't be any of us. We politely tell him to leave and that he had the wrong apartment and he left, but being shocked awake i couldn't get back to sleep cause all that was running through my mind was the day he booted in the door all thoes years ago. I can't seem to escape the sheer terror I've had of this monster my entire.
But besides all that im now 21, having lived through these things i've grown in myself stronger, i've now started to see my son again on a weekly basis, it is his birthday today, 12/11/15, he's now 3 and i was glad to have been able to see him the following weekend. I am also now just started reciving CBT and i hope for that to end well too.
Thanks for reading, i know it was long and i hope it didn't offend or upset anyone, but i haven't ever once said any of this before...