View Full Version : panic attacks & fear of being alone
Hi everyone,
My panic attacks started when I was 16 although I didnt realise what they were until I sought help at 24! I just thought I was having a heart attack or stroke each time, to be honest I worried constantly about what major illnes I must have that the dr's couldnt see.
I went to group therapy and learnt how to breath through it and visualise some dreamy place but I couldnt actually do any of those things at the time of the attack.
Attacks would range from many daily to none for months.
Now they are back and I've realised that what I've been doing for years is manipulating people and situations so that I would NEVER be alone and so wouldnt have an attack.
I dont want to do that any more, I want to be able to be alone if I choose and also not be dependant on people so much. I dont want to be a burden. I'm not sure even if my fiance realises what I've been doing or why but I KNOW and it makes me feel like a total loser.
sorry to go on I just wonder if anyone else feels that way
Regards
Kim
davidthegnome
17-02-07, 23:44
Kim,
I do not believe that there is anything wrong with wanting to have someone with you, particularly in the case of a panic attack. I am quite familiar with fear of being alone, as I still have some of it myself, particularly of being alone at night as that's when I've had most of my panic attacks. Your fiance and others would probably be very understanding if you explained that fear to them. What you have been doing sounds like a coping method, not the tactics of someone selfish or cruel or manipulative.
I live with my parents and my sister, there have been nights where no one was around until very late and I found it hard to cope with that for a while. I was very afraid but didn't want to hold them back so generally I tried to tell them I was ok. Though there were occasions where I would ask my Father to come home a little early if he could because I didn't want to be alone.
It's particularly strange for me because for years I have been a very quiet, isolated person. This fear of being alone wasn't, at first, something I was really familiar with. Now that it has become a part of my life though, I am learning to cope with it in different ways. One major thing that I believe is true, is that going out in public as often as you can helps to relieve this fear. I don't know why this is, but that's how it is for me.
I think it's pretty common for people with fear of being alone to be terrified of what they would do in a panic attack situation if they were by themselves. What if this happened? What if that happened? No one would be around to help keep me sane. What if I passed out or had a heart attack or a stroke or (insert fear or phobia) what would I do? Those thoughts used to run through my head a lot when I would be alone.
It's kind of like the panic attacks and the symptoms have us in a constant kind of anticipation, a constant sort of fear of what we'd do if forced to face it alone. I believe this fear is driven mainly by a fear of losing control, having a sudden break down, death, or even just the panic attacks themselves. We all have different ways of coping.
I'd suggest challenging those thoughts if you can. Think about it, what difference does it really make if you're alone and have a panic attack? You won't have another around to support you, but you have lived through them before and escaped unscathed. Even in the worst case scenario, there would be a phone near by so you could call someone.
It may be a good idea to try to introduce yourself to being alone. This you could do by spending some time on your own just walking down the road for a few minutes every day. Then slowly start doing more, eventually you'll find that your confidence in yourself, even when alone, has improved. I'm not suggesting you isolate yourself completely, only that you take tiny steps to help. Walking by yourself is a good one, driving, shopping, or any activity through which you'd have to be alone for a time is also great if you can do it. I think that, with these fears, the more we are able to face them the less powerful they become.
I really almost eliminated my heart phobia by sprinting one time when I was having a panic attack. It was terrifying and I do not suggest it to anyone as what works for me may not work for others. However, it really did help me to overcome my fear. Had I been having a heart attack there's no way I could have run like that.
Take it in small steps. Talk to people close to you and explain to them how you feel, ask them to be patient with you and remember to be patient with them, as few who haven't been through this really understand it well. I know what you're going through - and it will get better. All it takes is time and effort and courage. You've got all of those, everyone who has managed to cope through panic attacks has a great deal of courage. The only time we can truly be brave is when fear exists first.
As a final note, I'd also recommend EFT to anyone. It's been a big help for me and may be a help to you as well. It's a method of energy therapy that has been discussed in the therapies section of the forum. If you'd like to learn about it feel free to PM me or email me and I can give you some links and stuff to get you started. (One of the great things about EFT, is that you can do it yourself and that it's free to learn)
Good luck to you and God bless you, I hope I was able to bring some small comfort,
Dave
*I've realised that what I've been doing for years is manipulating people and situations so that I would NEVER be alone and so wouldnt have an attack.*
THis is very usual and I for one did this loads. I know where every neighbour in the street was and their routines and if they suddenly went out and i happened to go by happily thinking I was 'safe' cos they were there ' if ' I needed them I would suddenly freak. It gradually dawned on me that whilst I ' thought' they were there , I was fine but as soon as I ' thought' they were gone , I'd freak - umm what does that tell me ??
Energy follows thought. What you think decides how you will feel a few seconds later . Think you're safe - you will feel safe. Think you're alone and to you that = danger , then sure enough , you tell yourself you're alone, you feel you're in danger and instantly panic.
Hi thank you for your replies
Meg do you still do this? if not how did you overcome it? What you said about energy follows thought I totally agree with, I would like to know how to switch off the what ifs and buts, I have helped people through depression and panic attacks but I cant do it myself so if I can use positivity to help others why cant I do it for myself?
What a relief to feel that I am not alone in this. It's strange how you always seem to feel like you are the only person who suffers and that people would think you're strange if they knew, maybe a few people I know suffer too, no-one knows I do.
So after reading your replies I plucked up the courage to explain to my fiance exactly how much being alone bothers me, how scared I really am and why and that the reason for not having so many attacks was because he was always there.
It's because I am now having to spend more time alone that it has come to a head. I have 2 jobs in 2 remote houses in the highlands, this will mean being alone some of the time for 2-4 hours and without my own car at the moment, means I have to remain there until being picked up. That scares me to death!! We all know how long 10 minutes feels in a state of panic.
BUT I'm going to do it. I'm going to try and fight it. Easier said than done.
Even the thought of driving again (havent done so for 8 months ) scares me because the roads are few and far between meaning there are few places to pull over and fast paced, I get the feeling that as soon as I pull out on to that road I'll be on a kind of roller-coaster. I used to love driving so much and I do need to drive because of my location. Ho hum more pressure!!
I had managed to get to the point of feeling the panic and distracted myself , usually by singing, this helped me to take my mind off the panic but also the singing out loud made me breathe more regularly and deeply, it worked for me and not suggesting it will work for everyone. BUT the best way for me to end an attack or prevent one happening was to be with someone constantly, while preventing the attacks though I have forgotten how to cope with them.
My fiance was so much more understanding than I thought, he even admitted having a panick attack last week. He didnt tell me, but he did explain that he recognised it for what it was and just stopped worrying, so prevented a full blown attack. I have been his carer for 2 years, he has depression and bipolar disorder.
Dave, I admire your coping strategies and your positive attitude and the way you challenge these feelings and sensations, I can see that I need to change my way of looking at all of it. I will definately look into EFT thank you for that, I hadnt heard of it before.
I have become a spiritual person now and meditation I know works too but never seem to allow time, fear of quiet and time alone again hinders this!!
I dont mean to go on its just i have been bottling it all up so it's just tumbling out.
You have helped me jump one hurdle and i only joined last night, i feel great for having explained everything to my fiance now i feel i have his support instead of keeping it a secret.
thank you
Kim
davidthegnome
18-02-07, 20:40
Kim,
Hey, that's what we're here for, to lean on each other.
It's really fantastic that you managed to tell your fiance about your panic attacks and your fear of being alone. It's sad that he also has panic attacks. It sounds though, like the two of you have something you share and it will probably be a big help to have him work with you through this.
It's good to be able to share things with those we love, without my parents support I'm not sure what I'd do. They have definitely been my biggest support throughout this whole thing.
That said, EFT really is a great program and I hope it helps you. If you need any advice on where to go to find out about it feel free to PM or email me. I could direct you to the main site or to the site of someone who offers sessions over the phone.
Good luck and God bless you,
Dave
Hi
I too struggle when alone and spend half of my time when I'm not alone worrying about when I will be!
I understand what you say about 'manipulating people and situations' - I will find any reason I can to not be alone.
I can relate to Meg as well, wanting to know where people are so I feel safe. I always think 'if something happens, then so and so is only 10 mins away, so and so is only...'.
At the moment, I don't really have much advice to offer as I'm still struggling with this issue myself. Am starting counselling tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to tell you what they said if it's any help.
Hope it helps to know that there's someone else who has similar issues to you - I know it helps me!
Feel free to PM if you feel worried at any point - sometimes it helps just to write it all down.
Take care
Lizzie x
No, I no longer do it at all.
I got over it in a variety of ways for a variety of issues, but for this issue- by tricking myself, by telling myself that the neighbours were there when I knew they weren't and that they were out when I knew they were there- just to prove that our brains respond to exactly what we tell them and added in loads of ' what if's' along the way.
Now they are back and I've realised that what I've been doing for years is manipulating people and situations so that I would NEVER be alone and so wouldnt have an attack.
Wow, first post I read on here and it's like reading about myself.
I had a bad attack last night and scared myself and my partner, he's gone away from work until Sunday and although I know it's only 4 nights I'm scared and feel really vunerable.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer in return for the things you've all said, I'm still coming to terms with all of this.
hello.. everything you said, i did..
i'm afraid there's only one way to get over it though.. just do it.. for the first time maybe keep a phone on you so you can call someone if you need to chat..
i'm not saying it'll be easy but my experiance was that i spent all day being my mum's shadow, she was a stay at home mum so it made it easy for my to be by her side constantly, i wanted to try and stay at home on my own, i really wanted to JUST DO IT but i was never brave enough then one day i had no choice but to spend about half hour on my own, it wasn't easy, i did have a panic attack, BUT after 10 mins it was gone, i rode through it and came out the other side and do you know what? the feeling i felt afterwards was utter bliss. i'd wanted to spend 10mins on my own for about 2 years but i'd been to scared to. once i had i realised it really wasn't that bad. so i had a panic attack. f**k it, i'd had loads before. and i had many after but i did it.
that was about a year ago, in july of last year my mum decided to move away, i had a choice of going with her or move in with friends.. i moved in with friends. i'm now in the process of moving in with my boyfriend. he lives an hour away from my old house, from my friends, i have no one to bne with during the day, he goes to work and i now spend all day on my own from 7am until 5pm..
JUST DO IT... im not gonna pretend itas easy, the first step is so so so hard, if i wasn't made to be on my own i'm not sure i ever would've made the first step on my own accord but it is so so worth it. just ride through it, know that it can't hurt you and it will pass.. just like all your other attacks.. distraction is a great trick, plan to do something before hand, even if its to count backwards from 100, but plan what you're going to do first.. good luck, let me know how you get on.. i've been there and you CAN do it.. xxx
HI Honey bee, Thats great, just shows you it can be done, I'v been practising and im writing about it hoping it may help someone else and also coz i feel good about it lol.
Me and my fiance work together about 1/2 mile away from home. I leave half hour later than him and walk to work, it feels great, i'm busy getting house shut down to leave (but im alone) and the exercise is making me feel abit more confident and free. it helps that I know he's at the other end and local people toot me as they go by ( small village) that makes me feel a bit more confident too that I'm the one they are waving at and not him, if you get what i mean, im not a confident person and keep myself to myself and people acknowleding me has felt good. I also leave work earlier than my fiance to meet the kids from school, now thats the worse part of the day normally as I know I wont see him (another adult) for a few hours, I get home do homework with the kids but before i can do that, i have my phone with me, msn switched on and this site and a door slightly open, that may sound mad especially in the winter but it makes me feel less claustrophobic. I havent yet had a full blown attack but i still feel like im waiting for one to happen and a sense of dread is still there, i kind of have to keep praising myself and keep busy. I keep saying it's only a few minutes long if i have one and it wont last, i'l be ok if i have one or not. Im telling myself I'm strong and I can cope. Also going over what Meg said about energy follows thought.
SJ, I know exactly how you feel, my fiance was away for a week last year and I was very apprehensive and vulnerable, do you have friends or family that you can spend any time with to break up the 4 days? if you want to you can email or pm me, it helped me so im willing to help anyone who feels that way. you are not alone.
got to go
regards
Kim xx
:) i just wanna say a huge well done..
Hi I too want to know how to breath when the attack is on-it is ok to do thsi without the panic attack-but when it strikes suddenly-it makes me unable to move breath or talk-waht can i do?
help
Nigela x
Hi everyone- I too have this problem.
I'm 17 but sometimes at night I feel like I'm much younger. I used to have terrible trouble getting to sleep- mainly because I was afraid that my family would leave me while i was asleep. So I had the fear of being alone even before my PAs started (about 4 yrs ago). I used to have to go into my parents nearly every night, and for I time I slept on a matress in their room.
I thought I was over all that but recently it's become another 'sympton' of my anxiety. Last night I felt really alone, even though my dad was in the house too- I kept thinking that I was going to be left on my own, and feeling like a little girl again, that was a really scary thought.
Being on my own in the house during the day is not a problem, but when it gets dark I start to worry about being abandoned. I try to talk myself out of it but I can't seem to convince myself that eveything is ok, and I'm not actually alone in the house- and never have been left alone in the house at night.
Don't know what to do to snap out of these ridiculous thought patterns. Why is it that everything seems worse at night?!
Lucy -x-
chantillylace626
02-12-12, 06:45
I've had this problem since I was about 10 years old, and I was recently diagnosed with OCD. It turned out that this fear was stemming from a fear of being harmed. My doctor started me on Zoloft. I'm not even on the full dose for what is needed for OCD yet, but I already am much less fearful at night. Last time I met with my psychologist she asked me how I was at home alone at night and I had forgotten it was ever even a problem. I highly recommend meeting with a psychologist.
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