Panic attacks, lying and anxiety

[fudgie]

Hi, I'm new here but lurked a lot previously (first thread hello!) So i am going to probably end up writing a long post and hopefully some of the great supportive people on here can offer their views.

I've always been an anxious person, a nervous child, a shy panicky young adult ( I'm 25 now) With bouts of depression too that was crippling for months at a time. I think a lot of the anxiety comes from being bullied at secondary school, parents divorce and general low self esteem. I've had a variety of treatments, counselling, cbt and i've been on 100mg of sertraline for 3 years now. I have bad panic attacks on public transport and in some public places and I'm currently paying for CBT to try and treat that.

But i think i will never be able to get over these things due to my lying. I have told some terrible terrible lies to people i love the most. And i think this eats me up inside so much that i am constantly in an anxious state due to fear of what will happen if I'm found out. I've told lies about family members being dead when they are alive and well. I think at the time i was telling the lies i wasn't on medication and i was incredibly low and suicidal. I wanted the person i was telling the lies to to love me and care for me. So i was manipulative and horrible. I'm very close to the person i have told the lies to to this day but obviously lots have happened since then, medication has levelled me out, my situation has changed considerably and I'm a much happier person. But i know if i were to tell the person the lies I've told my whole life would change, the person in question is such a big part of my life. But its a vicious cycle, i want to tell the truth but i keep having to tell smaller lies in order not to get found out.

I think in part this is what causes all my panic though, i get physical anxiety symptoms and thoughts of dying a lot and i know if i was taken to hospital or actually ill i would be found out so in turn i panic. I've found it hard to bring up the lying to therapists as i am so embarrassed about it and ashamed. I know i owe it to the person i have told the lies to to own up but it will devastate that person and change them profoundly i think.

Any help? I desperately need it and can't really see a way out

[ray.olsen]

Hi and Welcome to the forum

Anxiety and depression makes us impulsive and sometimes we can make stupid decisions because of it. You are not manipulative you just made a mistake. Lies and deception is now a natural part of life, but one must not live by it. I think you know this already and I understand how worried you must be. But the best thing you can do is tell that special person the truth. It'll be difficult but I know you know that from the bottom of your heart it is what you believe is the right thing to do.

Just ease it up to that person, tell that person why you did it and how you felt when you told the lies. It all depends on your approach. You can't blame others on how they would react it is painful to be lied at over and over but it's the only way to feel free from your worries. They would understand it eventually. Yes a lot will change but you just have to accept that.

You mentioned that you're currently under therapy. Consult your counselor about this situation. Tell him/her about the lies you've made and ask what's the best way to finally disclose it to that special person. I'm sorry if what I am urging is the hardest thing to do but you know what they say "the truth shall set you free".