Emrose16630
17-11-15, 16:57
Hi All,
I apologize in advance if this becomes a long rant or if I upset anyone with this but I need something, I don’t know what I’m hoping to get from this maybe reassurance, therapy I don’t know but here goes
this is my first time posting here so please bare with me
I feel I should give you some background info so this all makes sense. Earlier this year, life was fab I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, a loving fiancé, my own home with two lovely dogs, I have great & I had a good job with the NHS, at 21 to have achieved all this I use to think I was very lucky.
However my career with the NHS I was a support worker on a very busy intense ward, I had the aspiration to go on and become a nurse/midwife I couldn’t decide so I went to be a support worker to see where I thought I was better suited. The middle of last year I started to notice I wasn’t as comfortable as I once was in that role, I started getting scared on nights that I would walk in a bay and someone would be on the floor in cardiac arrest, so much so I would do my upmost to avoid been left alone, if the case did arise when someone went in to cardiac arrest granted I hated it but I did what I needed to do to help this patient. I worked in many places within the trust all with different specialties. I saw people die young & old, sometimes it was expected sometimes not. I worked on labour wards and saw people lose their babies and go home with their babies. So its safe to say I’ve seen all sorts!
Shortly after my dad ( who I wasn’t so close to ) had a heart attack so unexpected, obviously as we didn’t speak this drag up a lot of feelings etc I was shocked that obviously he could have died and we’d had no relationship ( we are ok now and have a good relationship )
So one particular day I was in resus training, and just felt funny, my heart was pounding my heart rate was very high, I was hot then cold, I was trembling I couldn’t see straight and obviously because this had never happened to me luckily the nurses quickly hooked me up the ECG to find my heart rate was around 150/160, however the ECG machine was attached to the resus trolley. I just remember thinking this is it im going to die of cardiac arrest, needless to say they found nothing and sent me home.
It happened for days after this so I went to the GP where I was told it was a panic attack and anxiety & told to go and enjoy my holiday I was due to go on, so I did, my holiday was ruined by thoughts of me dieing everytime I felt something strange
Anyway I’ve come to realise with the health thing and the fear of dieing ive been this way since Isla my daughter was born, just not this bad its as though working with the NHS has fueled it and created some form of health anxiety. I have a habit of checking my pulse I get an ache somewhere and that’s it, I’m constantly googling and seeking reassurance from people ( to be told I’m stupid ) if a family member take my daughter to places whilst im at work and they phone me I don’t think there just calling me I think they must have had a car crash or she’s fallen ill. Im obsessed I have images of having to go to the hospital and see her lying there dead my beautiful girl or finding her dead In her bed. For example the other night she’d gone to bed at her normal time around 7 o’clock and I always go in to check her and I walked in and she layed there with her eyes wide open I screamed at her and she just sat up and said “whats up mummy”, I genuinely thought she was dead.
Same with myself Imagine myself just dropping down dead in the middle of somewhere and have to recive CPR from someone, I see myself laid on a hospital bed, with my hair hanging over the edge and my face sunk in, cold and blue and my mum is there crying.
My worst fear Is going into cardiac arrest, I hate drs surgerys I hate hospitals the thought of having to call an ambulance etc fills me with dread.
I can no longer deal with any stressful, panicky situation. I get all these weird symptoms and feelings and they just freak me out I can convince myself I'm not breathing properly or my jaw is hurting and I cant cope with it.
I can’t go on like this, I withdraw from certain things because I’m so down, all I want is more children and to move to a bigger house and get married but I’m too scared I won’t get there because I will die, now I know where all going to go at some point but I don’t want to live in fear. Its running my life I am receiving CBT therapy currently, I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like im ruining my life and my daughters life.
Im sorry this has turned into a long rant but thank you for taking the time to read this.
Emily xx
I apologize in advance if this becomes a long rant or if I upset anyone with this but I need something, I don’t know what I’m hoping to get from this maybe reassurance, therapy I don’t know but here goes
this is my first time posting here so please bare with me
I feel I should give you some background info so this all makes sense. Earlier this year, life was fab I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, a loving fiancé, my own home with two lovely dogs, I have great & I had a good job with the NHS, at 21 to have achieved all this I use to think I was very lucky.
However my career with the NHS I was a support worker on a very busy intense ward, I had the aspiration to go on and become a nurse/midwife I couldn’t decide so I went to be a support worker to see where I thought I was better suited. The middle of last year I started to notice I wasn’t as comfortable as I once was in that role, I started getting scared on nights that I would walk in a bay and someone would be on the floor in cardiac arrest, so much so I would do my upmost to avoid been left alone, if the case did arise when someone went in to cardiac arrest granted I hated it but I did what I needed to do to help this patient. I worked in many places within the trust all with different specialties. I saw people die young & old, sometimes it was expected sometimes not. I worked on labour wards and saw people lose their babies and go home with their babies. So its safe to say I’ve seen all sorts!
Shortly after my dad ( who I wasn’t so close to ) had a heart attack so unexpected, obviously as we didn’t speak this drag up a lot of feelings etc I was shocked that obviously he could have died and we’d had no relationship ( we are ok now and have a good relationship )
So one particular day I was in resus training, and just felt funny, my heart was pounding my heart rate was very high, I was hot then cold, I was trembling I couldn’t see straight and obviously because this had never happened to me luckily the nurses quickly hooked me up the ECG to find my heart rate was around 150/160, however the ECG machine was attached to the resus trolley. I just remember thinking this is it im going to die of cardiac arrest, needless to say they found nothing and sent me home.
It happened for days after this so I went to the GP where I was told it was a panic attack and anxiety & told to go and enjoy my holiday I was due to go on, so I did, my holiday was ruined by thoughts of me dieing everytime I felt something strange
Anyway I’ve come to realise with the health thing and the fear of dieing ive been this way since Isla my daughter was born, just not this bad its as though working with the NHS has fueled it and created some form of health anxiety. I have a habit of checking my pulse I get an ache somewhere and that’s it, I’m constantly googling and seeking reassurance from people ( to be told I’m stupid ) if a family member take my daughter to places whilst im at work and they phone me I don’t think there just calling me I think they must have had a car crash or she’s fallen ill. Im obsessed I have images of having to go to the hospital and see her lying there dead my beautiful girl or finding her dead In her bed. For example the other night she’d gone to bed at her normal time around 7 o’clock and I always go in to check her and I walked in and she layed there with her eyes wide open I screamed at her and she just sat up and said “whats up mummy”, I genuinely thought she was dead.
Same with myself Imagine myself just dropping down dead in the middle of somewhere and have to recive CPR from someone, I see myself laid on a hospital bed, with my hair hanging over the edge and my face sunk in, cold and blue and my mum is there crying.
My worst fear Is going into cardiac arrest, I hate drs surgerys I hate hospitals the thought of having to call an ambulance etc fills me with dread.
I can no longer deal with any stressful, panicky situation. I get all these weird symptoms and feelings and they just freak me out I can convince myself I'm not breathing properly or my jaw is hurting and I cant cope with it.
I can’t go on like this, I withdraw from certain things because I’m so down, all I want is more children and to move to a bigger house and get married but I’m too scared I won’t get there because I will die, now I know where all going to go at some point but I don’t want to live in fear. Its running my life I am receiving CBT therapy currently, I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like im ruining my life and my daughters life.
Im sorry this has turned into a long rant but thank you for taking the time to read this.
Emily xx