mandi37baby
17-11-15, 17:10
Hi, I hope you forgive me for my rant...I've got no one I can talk to about all this and feel terrible... like I'm awaiting the executioner. I found this forum and took a chance on joining and posting to mainly just get down in words how I fell I suppose, so please excuse if this seems disjointed and drawn out..
I've always been a really sensitive person and was super shy in school. Got bullied a lot and used to run away. In my 20s , early 30's I worked for our family business successfully in between having my children and have Done voluntary work and taken Further education courses successfully. However work or rather feeling able to keep in a job has been impossible .
Every now and again through the years I've gotten up the courage and attempted to get a job .. The thing is ,I actually do great at interviews, but when it comes to actually doing the job I get absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety and make scenarios up where I have to leave as soon as after my first day in some cases.
I hate making mistakes and asking for help. I don't want to seem incompetent even though I'm only new , but it never actually gets that far. The longest I've stayed in a job is 3 months as a care assistant 4 years ago .I left to help care for my mum who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I could spend the time she had left with her. I then helped look after my dad, for a year after my mum passed away. But I slowly had to lessen his dependence on me as it was causing too much strain and pressure, especially with me also having six children and two of school age at home.
The crunch that's affecting everything ATM, came when my hubby was told that he was being made redundant just after Christmas last year and left after working his notice period in March. The money situation means that I HAD to step up and get a job. hubby got a part time position so I had to work too so we can qualify for tax credit.
I'm facing day 2 at my new job Tomorrow, in a large, well known department store and keep fighting back tears. I don't want to talk to anyone, feel sick, and just want to make an excuse not to go ,as Day 1 Yesterday was full of mistakes and I kept forgetting things as there's so much to remember. I don't know how I got through it TBH. I was told that I am expected to open up the shop on my own Thursday and Saturday after 1, 4 hour shift my first day.. the other women there are all in a clique and there is blatant favouritism ..The manager seems really nice, but would rather chat about herself than train me and when I said that I didn't feel confident in being alone just yet she looked horrified and acted as though I was simple or something.. Which doesn't exactly make me over enthusiastic about telling her anything else.. I feel so trapped.. I WANT TO WORK,I NEED TO WORK but feel trapped by circumstances and don't know if I am even capable of holding down a proper job.. the challenge just seems too great..I put a brave face on , but am not really confident at all. I just can fake it temporarily like acting a role.. But then the petrified me from school days kicked in and I'm back there again feeling useless, scared, forgetful. clumsy, unpopular, bullied, weak and a total failure.. I am hardly eating, not sleeping... It's like a nightmare I cant wake up from..
I've always been a really sensitive person and was super shy in school. Got bullied a lot and used to run away. In my 20s , early 30's I worked for our family business successfully in between having my children and have Done voluntary work and taken Further education courses successfully. However work or rather feeling able to keep in a job has been impossible .
Every now and again through the years I've gotten up the courage and attempted to get a job .. The thing is ,I actually do great at interviews, but when it comes to actually doing the job I get absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety and make scenarios up where I have to leave as soon as after my first day in some cases.
I hate making mistakes and asking for help. I don't want to seem incompetent even though I'm only new , but it never actually gets that far. The longest I've stayed in a job is 3 months as a care assistant 4 years ago .I left to help care for my mum who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I could spend the time she had left with her. I then helped look after my dad, for a year after my mum passed away. But I slowly had to lessen his dependence on me as it was causing too much strain and pressure, especially with me also having six children and two of school age at home.
The crunch that's affecting everything ATM, came when my hubby was told that he was being made redundant just after Christmas last year and left after working his notice period in March. The money situation means that I HAD to step up and get a job. hubby got a part time position so I had to work too so we can qualify for tax credit.
I'm facing day 2 at my new job Tomorrow, in a large, well known department store and keep fighting back tears. I don't want to talk to anyone, feel sick, and just want to make an excuse not to go ,as Day 1 Yesterday was full of mistakes and I kept forgetting things as there's so much to remember. I don't know how I got through it TBH. I was told that I am expected to open up the shop on my own Thursday and Saturday after 1, 4 hour shift my first day.. the other women there are all in a clique and there is blatant favouritism ..The manager seems really nice, but would rather chat about herself than train me and when I said that I didn't feel confident in being alone just yet she looked horrified and acted as though I was simple or something.. Which doesn't exactly make me over enthusiastic about telling her anything else.. I feel so trapped.. I WANT TO WORK,I NEED TO WORK but feel trapped by circumstances and don't know if I am even capable of holding down a proper job.. the challenge just seems too great..I put a brave face on , but am not really confident at all. I just can fake it temporarily like acting a role.. But then the petrified me from school days kicked in and I'm back there again feeling useless, scared, forgetful. clumsy, unpopular, bullied, weak and a total failure.. I am hardly eating, not sleeping... It's like a nightmare I cant wake up from..