laurenmk
20-11-15, 23:19
I was always afraid of admitting that, for fear that would mean I was a paranoid schizophrenic. But I know now I can admit it without it meaning that. It's all related, I suppose, in that HA and OCD and all of it is about feeling unsafe. I see the world as threatening and scary, and that includes people. It's tough, because it means the fear and anxiety is coming at me from all angles.
Tonight I was just sitting around surfing the internet, when I thought I heard the doorbell ring (I live in an apartment). I went and opened the door but no one was there. I peeked my head into the hallways with a, "Hello?" but no one was there. It's a very small hallway, with only three apartments per floor. I told myself I had just imagined it and it was perhaps a sound from the video I was watching online. About a half hour later, the doorbell rang again, and there was no mistaking it this time. I went to the door and again nothing. No one. My door is closest to the elevator and stairwell, so I started thinking, "What if it's some kids ringing the bell and sneaking into the stairwell?" But I've lived here 7 months and NEVER seen a kid in the building. That's when the paranoia started really kicking in with imagined scenarios involving people sneaking into the building and sordid intentions.
Then I thought, "Ok, let's not feed into the paranoia. It could be the electrical system of the doorbell going a bit wonky. Remember how it just stopped working awhile back and they had to come change out a circuit board?" The thing is that this explanation doesn't help me at all, because it just taps into a different part of my anxiety. This part worries about a short causing a fire, and my place going up in flames.
I wish there was a respite somewhere, but I can't find it.
Tonight I was just sitting around surfing the internet, when I thought I heard the doorbell ring (I live in an apartment). I went and opened the door but no one was there. I peeked my head into the hallways with a, "Hello?" but no one was there. It's a very small hallway, with only three apartments per floor. I told myself I had just imagined it and it was perhaps a sound from the video I was watching online. About a half hour later, the doorbell rang again, and there was no mistaking it this time. I went to the door and again nothing. No one. My door is closest to the elevator and stairwell, so I started thinking, "What if it's some kids ringing the bell and sneaking into the stairwell?" But I've lived here 7 months and NEVER seen a kid in the building. That's when the paranoia started really kicking in with imagined scenarios involving people sneaking into the building and sordid intentions.
Then I thought, "Ok, let's not feed into the paranoia. It could be the electrical system of the doorbell going a bit wonky. Remember how it just stopped working awhile back and they had to come change out a circuit board?" The thing is that this explanation doesn't help me at all, because it just taps into a different part of my anxiety. This part worries about a short causing a fire, and my place going up in flames.
I wish there was a respite somewhere, but I can't find it.