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davidthegnome
18-02-07, 16:33
Why the title? Well, I live at a lake, with very few people living at the same place save for the elderly and the retired. Not that I've got anything against elderly or retired folks, they just don't tend to want to be chums with a 22 year old.

A typical day for me is like this: I wake up, struggle with morning anxiety, take my med and then come upstairs to use my sister's computer and talk online for a while. Then I go downstairs and spend hours watching movies or Japanese animation, debating with myself all the while about whether I really want to work out today. I have dinner, come back to the internet to chat some more, then I cope with my night time anxiety and go to bed. Wake up the next morning, repeat.

My therapist has suggested to me that I need more social interaction in my life. Just about all of it right now comes from my family or from the internet (this forum is a big part of that). I'd have to drive 25 miles to get into town and do something really productive, such as volunteering or getting a job. I think I'm going to go with volunteering as I'm not sure I could handle the stress of a job right now.

I could go to the library, but that's not really a place for talking. I could go to the mall or something, but approaching a random person and starting up conversation is a pretty absurd idea to me. Generally they wouldn't want to be bothered and I wouldn't want to bother them. Perhaps through my upcoming volunteer work I'll make some friends, but I'm nervous even about that, as to volunteer I'll have to spend pretty much the whole day in town until my dad is ready to go home from work.

I tried the whole bar scene, partying thing once and that turned out to be a huge waste of time (not to mention hazardous to my health) and effort. So, in my situation, I'm wondering... how does one make friends? I haven't tried in a while and I'm not sure if I'd even be any good at it. I get really nervous talking to people I don't know and it takes me a while to open up.

Well, I'm kind of frustrated with myself about this whole situation. I think that making friends and having a social life would help me, but I don't know where to start and am not sure I can work up the courage to really talk to people. It's kind of a depressing and lonely feeling.

Well, sorry for complaining so much. Just wanted to get that out there... maybe someone has a similar situation, maybe one of you has come through a similar situation and managed. Any advice is welcome.

God bless you all,

Dave

Elle
18-02-07, 16:55
Dave
Social interaction sounds good but I think that you do need to interact with the right people. People who will understand you and give you support just as you, I think, would support them. You say that you wonder how to make friends. Well, you communicate so well on this forum that I fail to see how you couldn't make good friends. I think I said before that you are intelligent and sensitive and there must be so many people out there who would like to socialise with you.

I think that you have so much to offer the world. Okay, you're going through a tough patch at the moment but I'm sure that it won't last forever. Maybe the idea of doing voluntary work is a good one if you don't feel up to actually working for money.

I hope you sort this out. You really do have so much to offer.

Elle

kilgy35
18-02-07, 17:10
and i thought agrophobia was isulatin. the only advice i can give thru own experience is no matter what anyone says u have to want it for yourself. it is hard makin friends but no one needs know how u feel unless u want to tell em.
try little things first make friendson net and work up u could find local clubs on the net and sum vouluntary orgs will have sumone cum take u to these clubs. just remember makin new friends is hard for everyone after teens so ya not alone there. talkin bout weather always helps me start convo. buildin a repor with local shop staff also built my confidence. i hope it gets better for you.

Brandy snap
19-02-07, 19:07
Hi Dave, I agree with Elle. You express yourself so well on here and have great sensitivity - you would make such a good friend. I have always found it hard to socialise as well. I found going to a Writers' Group helped as we all had something in common. We commented on each other's stories so there wasn't the awkwardness of wondering what to say. Similarly, I have made some good friends through going to Meditation classes - a lot of quiet time spent meditating, so no pressure to talk, but just a little gentle time before and after the class to talk to like minded people if you want to. I don't enjoy pubs or parties - anything loud. I have just started attending the local Ba'Hai prayer evenings once a fortnight - we each say a prayer and anyone who wants to talk can. I do hope you are able to find something that feels right for you. Meanwhile we all enjoy reading what you have to say and will help where we can. Take care. Brandy Snap xx

boy
18-03-07, 15:38
I thought I'd try giving advice on what NOT to do, based on 3 characters at my uni who make themselves unpopular due to the way they act. Basically, steer clear of this behaviour, act like a nice guy and you should be fine. I'm doing it this way around as I think it might be more clear-cut than if I gave you some generic advice.

The first guy is very religious. That's not why he's unpopular - he's a Christian and believes that anyone who isn't a Christian (be it a follower of another religion or an atheist) is not worth being nice to. He's also racist. And sexist. And homophobic. I think it's rather obvious what he's doing wrong.

The next guy is creepy, though I've only seen him on nights out. He only talks to girls and immediately starts asking them to kiss him. This puts all the girls off him and the guys through human nature don't want to be associated with him. He just wanders around on his own, constantly hunting. At the end of a night, he will FOLLOW a girl home. A complete stranger! I know this because when the girl and the rest of her friends noticed him and started running, he ran after them! Again, this is not the way to do it. Actually there are a few notorious creeps who'll try it on with all the girls - this is frowned on by everyone I know. Treating woman as people is very important.

The last guy is generally alright. However he rubs everyone up the wrong way in numerous ways. If people are standing around the TV and he's joining them, instead of politely standing at the back and looking over their shoulders, he'll worm his way in til he's at the front and has managed to gradually barge everyone out of the way. He also is rather violent. For example, if you jokingly said "oh you fool!" he'll punch you in the stomach.

He also invades people's personal space by talking right up to their faces, showers once a week, is also racist, talks to girls' cleavages, admits he wasn't going to pay back money he borrowed, and can't stand it when you don't agree with him. If you disagree with one of his views, he'll slam his hand painfully hard on your shoulder, lean right into you and aggressively talk you round to his way of thinking. Needless to say, many find him intolerable and I know a few people who 'just want to throttle him'.


Basically, pleasant behaviour will get you far. I'm not saying smile and agree with everyone, just be aware of the things that people don't like (I'm saying this because by the sounds of it you haven't had much recent experience in a social environment? I hope I don't sound patronising!). It's easy not to be like the above people. Also, I'm not saying I'm the greatest guy in the world, but that I've noticed the factors that contribute to a person being disliked.

Nibbles
18-03-07, 16:25
My situation sounds similar to yours bud because I find it difficult to meet people of my own age after graduating from uni. As you know I am trying to get back into work at the moment but after that I'm planning to work on my social phobia. Perhaps we can give each other tips along the way?

When I left uni I started to do a few hours voluntary work which I found very useful. The good thing is that it's flexible so you needn't feel any pressure. If you had to stay in town until your Dad was ready to leave is there a quiet place where you could relax like a park or library? In terms of socialising looking for local clubs on the web is a good idea of Kilgy's. Your library may have some info on local clubs too.

You definitely have loads to offer people Dave and if it wasn't for the small matter of the Atlantic I'd want to meet you! :D Even though you call me Nipples and I sometimes put you in a box I still class you as a good friend! :sign20:

Take care buddy,

davidthegnome
18-03-07, 23:32
Thank you all for your encouragement and advice and for your kind words. Living in isolation is rough, especially when you've got the bloody panic disorder to go with it... but I'm getting stronger, tomorrow, I think I'm going to start my first day of volunteer work. Wonder what they'll put me to work doing...

I'll definitely be careful in who I choose to associate myself with, I'm kind of careful in everything I do. Going to take work... and courage, but I think I'll be able to make some friends.

Nipples! I mean, Nibbles, bud, I could probably get to the library or go to my sister's house if I had to, to relax. Usually though I find that moving around a lot, or doing something (even if it's playing a game, like Brainbuster :P) helps me relax quite a bit. I'm hoping my volunteer work will be the same, help me take some of the focus off of myself. I think of you as a friend too... even though... hey, who put out the lights, blast, I'm in a box again!

The idea really is to get out of my head for a while and live in the world outside. I know this is one of the biggest steps towards overcoming my social anxiety and perhaps to overcoming anxiety in general, I'm really hoping it goes well.

Again, thank you all. Your words are very appreciated, sorry it takes me a long while to respond some times. Just can have a hard time thinking of what to say.


God bless you all and good luck,

Dave

Nibbles
19-03-07, 13:03
Hi Dave,

That's great that you're feeling strong enough to do some voluntary work. My psychologist says that the key to overcoming anxiety is to pace yourself and that anything attempted (no matter how well or badly it goes) is a step in the right direction. When I did voluntary work I found it easiest to do short spells to begin with. Good luck with it and let me know how you get on.

Take care bud,

Bunty
25-04-07, 21:22
I have a job where people are always shocked to find out I have social phobia/panic attacks but outside work I have no friends and haven't got a clue where to start. I agree with you - there is no way I could just start a conversation with a stranger.
Years ago I was having problems leaving my house so I started by doing voluntary work, then I started going one day a week to college, then I started working and now I'm a manager within the civil service. You just have to keep pushing yourself every day but on those bad days where you just can't face anything curl up and watch a video and relax. Pull yourself away from the computer and do something like painting/photography - it really helps.

You can do it!
Bunty

Bunty
01-11-07, 15:57
Dave

I'd love an update!
how are you doing with your voluntary work?

Bx