kcl10
23-11-15, 01:30
Hi all -
My name is Kim and I'm a 26-year-old female from Philadelphia, PA.
I have typically been an "anxious person" ever since I can remember, even when I was a small child and would experience separation anxiety from my mom. However, I have gone through periods of anxiety that were extremely severe three times in my life (twice before and now currently) characterized by existential panic, agoraphobia, intrusive/obsessive thoughts, and social anxiety.
As a young adolescent, I suffered from severe hypochondria, often believing that I had some form of cancer. I would hyper-focus on various harmless symptoms that I now recognize were completely unfounded. The hypochondria would re-occur episodically but eventually passed completely.
As I progressed into early adulthood, my episodic anxiety transformed into a different beast. At the age of 18, I experienced the loss of my brother's best friend, whom I was not particularly close to - however, it was the first time that a young person (only a few years my senior) died unexpectedly. This caused me to engage in obsessive thoughts about my own death, my mortality, and what happens after one dies. I basically rode a downward spiral to a total breakdown - I experienced derealization, constantly questioned my existence, wouldn't sleep for days, was agoraphobic, isolated from friends and loved ones, etc. This episode lasted for a few months, but eventually passed after I met a boy at a party and fell in love. This caused me to think outwardly rather than be so "in my head all of the time". His attention served as a welcomed distraction to the horrible thoughts I was experiencing.
I was functioning well for several years after that - went through my break-up with my ex (the boy that distracted me initially) without problem. I moved into my own apartment with a dear friend of mine and would occasionally imbibe in some recreational activities with cannabis. One night I smoked by myself and launched myself into a full-blow panic attack, which left me debilitated and in the midst of an existential crisis for a year. I finally recovered from that, but recently relapsed a couple of weeks ago.
I can't go anywhere without questioning my existence. I have terrifying thoughts of harming myself or others and despite knowing I won't do anything about it, I can't stop thinking about whether or not there will come a day when I'm not able to fight off the impulse. I worry about going crazy. I worry about telling people about my condition because they will think I'm nuts. One of the worst parts of this all is the constant inner turmoil I am in, but behaving outwardly in an otherwise normal manner. I feel depressed and sad. I worry that this will debilitate me so much that I won't be able to function. I know deep down that this emotion will pass as soon as I surrender, but it's like I can't turn my brain off. It's constantly running like it's on a damn hamster wheel.
I exercise regularly and recently got on a weight loss kick (I'm down 57 lbs). Writing this all out seems to have helped ground me a little bit for the moment, so I'm going to continue perusing and hopefully providing helpful feedback to others that are experiencing similar emotions. I'm a licensed therapist (and work as an addictions therapist) so I am here to help anyone that needs/wants it.
Thanks for listening to my rant, guys...hopefully we all can get better from this terrible disorder....
My name is Kim and I'm a 26-year-old female from Philadelphia, PA.
I have typically been an "anxious person" ever since I can remember, even when I was a small child and would experience separation anxiety from my mom. However, I have gone through periods of anxiety that were extremely severe three times in my life (twice before and now currently) characterized by existential panic, agoraphobia, intrusive/obsessive thoughts, and social anxiety.
As a young adolescent, I suffered from severe hypochondria, often believing that I had some form of cancer. I would hyper-focus on various harmless symptoms that I now recognize were completely unfounded. The hypochondria would re-occur episodically but eventually passed completely.
As I progressed into early adulthood, my episodic anxiety transformed into a different beast. At the age of 18, I experienced the loss of my brother's best friend, whom I was not particularly close to - however, it was the first time that a young person (only a few years my senior) died unexpectedly. This caused me to engage in obsessive thoughts about my own death, my mortality, and what happens after one dies. I basically rode a downward spiral to a total breakdown - I experienced derealization, constantly questioned my existence, wouldn't sleep for days, was agoraphobic, isolated from friends and loved ones, etc. This episode lasted for a few months, but eventually passed after I met a boy at a party and fell in love. This caused me to think outwardly rather than be so "in my head all of the time". His attention served as a welcomed distraction to the horrible thoughts I was experiencing.
I was functioning well for several years after that - went through my break-up with my ex (the boy that distracted me initially) without problem. I moved into my own apartment with a dear friend of mine and would occasionally imbibe in some recreational activities with cannabis. One night I smoked by myself and launched myself into a full-blow panic attack, which left me debilitated and in the midst of an existential crisis for a year. I finally recovered from that, but recently relapsed a couple of weeks ago.
I can't go anywhere without questioning my existence. I have terrifying thoughts of harming myself or others and despite knowing I won't do anything about it, I can't stop thinking about whether or not there will come a day when I'm not able to fight off the impulse. I worry about going crazy. I worry about telling people about my condition because they will think I'm nuts. One of the worst parts of this all is the constant inner turmoil I am in, but behaving outwardly in an otherwise normal manner. I feel depressed and sad. I worry that this will debilitate me so much that I won't be able to function. I know deep down that this emotion will pass as soon as I surrender, but it's like I can't turn my brain off. It's constantly running like it's on a damn hamster wheel.
I exercise regularly and recently got on a weight loss kick (I'm down 57 lbs). Writing this all out seems to have helped ground me a little bit for the moment, so I'm going to continue perusing and hopefully providing helpful feedback to others that are experiencing similar emotions. I'm a licensed therapist (and work as an addictions therapist) so I am here to help anyone that needs/wants it.
Thanks for listening to my rant, guys...hopefully we all can get better from this terrible disorder....