View Full Version : Out of Control
Wow, this is the most desperate I think I have ever felt.
I have absolutely no one to talk to, no one to seek comfort from, what am I supposed to do, tell them my thoughts, just so I can worry about them thinking I'm this that and the other. I am struggling completely on my own. No one has a clue how severely I am suffering, and I mean SEVERE. I lose all clarity, become super scatty, can hardly look after myself, don't have any energy, severe panic, constant feeling of fear which is what I find hardest to deal with as this urges me to think because I'm desperate to resolve this severe agony I am going through.
I am catastrophising everything, I can't see a way out, because there is such a significant pattern to my behaviour, and I cannot live my life to know that I'm going to have to 'handle' myself all the time to 'control' my anxiety. I have no idea who I am, how am I meant to know, I have never had a chance to get to know myself, fear is my only consistent feeling. I HATE myself. Honestly, I have nothing to live for, I am not being dramatic I am being incredibly realistic. I hate my life, I burden people all the time with my stupid anxieties, I will never fulfil the things I wish to as I can't handle anything and must keep everything as calm as possible. I will never have kids, never have a close relationship, never hold down a career.. It's endless. I am terrified for my future. The older I get, the less I feel I can get away with having this way of thinking because people are generally harder on others as they get old as they should 'know better' or be able to handle themselves. How much time has been wasted dealing with my mental health has resulted in so many scars and so much trauma that I, even in my better times am never going to be OK as I am always insecure and scared, and then it builds up over time and comes to this melt down. It is a vicious cycle that I feel I have no power over as I have tried numerous times to break it, numerous methods, used all the inner strength I can to 'get through' that I can't even think about my 'future' without feeling grotesquely sick at how wasted my life is and how I feel so unable to do anything to change this. Everyone gives the obvious 'you'll get through this' advice and yes I will, but its only so long before I get whacked with another patch of hell. I feel like I have zero control and that's what so scary, being scared of yourself and wanting to run away from your own brain. I am completely panicked, completely unsure of myself and I feel trapped, alone, defeated, exhausted and petrified. My health is becoming seriously effected too, I'm exhausted, shattered, losing weight, nauseous, tension headaches, palpitations, nose bleeds. What is this for quality of life, why am I just so unable to live, it doesn't make sense how I can't just be like everyone else and crack on. Why do I have such an overactive, negative way of thinking that over powers everything?!
Tell me how on earth I am meant to overcome all of this.
I honestly am so tired of fighting a losing battle.
I really think you should go to a+e and ask to see someone on the mental health team. You're struggling really badly and I think you need someone qualified to give you a helping hand.
i'm seeing my therapist and my doctor tomorrow, i'm just so scared, I'm so on edge. sorry for bombarding you with messages on here, I just don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.
I was like that for years. I felt i had to write and filled pad after pad after pad. I had to get it out somehow, to work through it, try and calm myself down and see things in a more realistic way. So i dont blame you for wanting to keep writing.
Isolation is a big problem. Have you been isolated with your anxiety right the way through this, ie for years ?
You obviously believe that if you did tell anyone they'd think negatively of you, of course some might, thats normal. But believing everybody would be like that is a big barrier to getting positivity and acceptance from people that is bound to improve how you feel and what you believe about yourself.
It also implies you probably feel that this is all that you are and there isnt anything else for anyone to like. Thats not true for anybody. Youre not familiar with those other sides of yourself that doesnt mean they arent there.
Simply entertaining the idea that there is -
a funny elik
a loyal friend elik
a kind elik
a strong elik
a supportive elik
a silly elik
etc
- can start to raise your self esteem, reduce your anxiety and depressive thoughts and give you some hope. Observing and believing that you are all of these positive other things makes you believe again that your positive future can happen.
Its hard to believe there are positive sides to you when you cant feel them. You dont really believe you can feel different until you do. You dont see your good sides until you do actually see them. "oh, im not crap after all. I actually do no longer believe that im crap/nobody".
You have to create those changes by doing things differently and one day you see that youve changed. You get more of what you focus on so even though you mightnt believe it or feel it right now you should practice seeing things/you in a more positive balanced way and try to solve your real life problems. Then one day youll wake with far less to worry
about and a more balanced view of yourself and youll realise you have changed and that things are better.
Managing your anxious side isnt difficult like you describe. Youre just not indulging anxious/depressive thoughts thats all. You know to just let them pass straight through, recognise them, dont believe them, you forget them and keep your mind on healthier more enjoyable, more productive topics.
Help calm yourself down. Go and do a bit of exercise, pump those stress hormones out of your system and give yourself a mood boost. People here like yoga for relaxing themselves.
Self esteem, confidence, pessimism, optimism, hope, a sense of yourself, they all rise and fall. Its hard to believe you can change them but of course you can. The levels theyre at are always changing.
See your doc, make sure your meds havent just pooped out recently. You might be experiencing that drop off when you come off meds or have been on them so long that theyre not doing much anymore. Get some talking therapies where you can get stuff off your chest and get some help seeing things in a more balanced, realistic, less catastrophic way.
Worrying all the time burns lots of calories so your weight can drop. Make sure you keep taking on calories !
Don't apologise elik we've all been there. Glad your seeing someone tomorrow let it all out don't hold anything back. Fantastic advice from oosh by the way
Really appreciate your time with responses and your words. I think to myself in an attempt to decrease anxiety 'these are all just things to fuel anxiety' but I find I am so quick to question that statement again and then the intense physical fear heightens because I think I'm going mad and then I think I have lost control because I have desensitized as my brains obviously trying to numb something!! It doesn't help that every aspect of my life isn't going well at all and my parents aren't here. I know I need to keep my chin up but when I feel so child like and dependent and have no one to turn to its really testing my self soothing abilities! I do feel incredibly worthless and I don't help myself, and then I think I am not completely able to look after myself as I end up losing things etc because my brain is in tatters!
I had a really bad moment about an hour ago where I felt a massive urge to run out of my office and just go home but then realised I have to face it because at the moment there is no escape.
I really hope I find some temporary relief tomorrow with my therapist/doctor so that I can look into really targeting my anxiety if I can just alleviate the intensity it is at so I can think rationally!!
Thanks
"I find I am so quick to question that statement"
Self doubt.
"and then the intense physical fear heightens because I think I'm going mad and then I think I have lost control"
The big typical panic inducing fears about going mad and losing control that are so common on these boards. I have been deep into them too.
What they ARE is doubt and terror at the thought that the fears may be true. "Maybe i AM losing my mind. What if it's this. What if it's that."
It's a very quick route to pure, ground removed from beneath your feet, terror and panic. It feels like you're living your nightmare.
What it ISNT is madness and losing control.
Once you know that you should be able to calm yourself back down a considerable amount.
What's true is your anxiety is very typical of many of the people here. I'd be surprised if anyone here, at their worst, hadn't scared themselves witless at ideas that they'd maybe gone mad. My first panic attack was triggered at the idea.
There are some very typical things that trigger that kind of panic. Fear of insanity, loss of control, the health anxiety sufferers and their absolute belief they have what they fear etc etc. I knew you'd be carrying around one of them if you had the height of fear you described.
So today, as well as having a productive visit to your doctors you are now able to lose some of those big fears you have been carrying around and can see your situation in a much more normal, typical way.
It will only ever be heightened fear. You're not going to do this "madness" thing, whatever that is anyway lol. And you're not going to lose control.
If you got extremely panicked it would still only end up in a panic attack, nothing else. It's not pleasant but it's not "madness".
See it for what it really is. Take the overblown fear out of it. It's only your existing ideas about what it is that scares you so much, change them.
It was only ever ideas scaring you, so you can let those big fears go now. You shouldn't be needing to go there anymore. You'll still hear your self doubt trying to yell across to you sometimes "yeh but what if you really HAVE lost the plot and they take you away blah blah" lol. It's just your self doubt talking.
"Yeh but what if you really ha SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Shut up"
Drown them out. Tell them to shut up. They're nonsense. Get your mind back on healthy things and, with repetition create that new habit.
Thank you Oosh, you really have some great supportive advice. I think I'm going to self refer myself into the priory tomorrow as I need a safe place whilst my parents aren't here as I do feel I'm at quite a danger to myself due to my impairment from excruciating fear and anxiety. I am an out patient there but I think I need a good few days structure and a plan of action infront of me to really get to the bottom of things. Do you believe this to be a good idea?
Well you've been there before so have your past experiences. Do YOU think it's a good idea ? Do you think it'll help you through this tricky period? Do it if you think it feels right for you. That's probably past the limit of what I can help with though as i've no experience of the place.
I do think it's good for you to talk to as many helpful people as possible. And if what you're doing isn't working, do something different. If that's a visit to a place that's helped in the past then do that.
Elik,
U can't fight or beat anxiety. The key to recovery is to not fight and to just let it wash over you and do the things u want to do. If u do this the our brain will rewire itself over time. Trust me I've been there!
Dan
I know this all too well, the familiarity of these symptoms scares me and this time round now I'm getting older I just can't put myself through this anymore, I just can't. I am paralyzed with fear and I know too well not to fight it but when it gets so intense like this it's pretty hard not to want to fight it as its hell. I'm not sure whether or not it would be a good idea to stay at the priory as I've never done it before but I'm desperate for a feeling of safety and I can't find it with what I'm doing
Elik,
I find your posts concerning in that you're in a mental place that IMO, requires professional help. There are several resources to draw from. Elen posted a very thorough list in a previous post of yours....
If you are feeling desperate I would agree with the others that contacting help is a good idea.
Here are some contacts that may be of some use to you
[/B][/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT] UK based Helplines and links
Whether you're concerned about yourself or a loved one, these helplines can offer expert advice.
General
* Samaritans
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk (http://www.samaritans.org.uk)
* Sane
Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 1pm-11pm)
SANEmail email: sanemail@org.uk
Website: www.sane.org.uk (http://www.sane.org.uk)
* Mind
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0845 766 0163
Website: www.mind.org.uk (http://www.mind.org.uk)
* The Mental Health Foundation
Provides information and support for everyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
Phone: 020 7802 0300
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk (http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk)
* YoungMinds
Information on child and adolescent mental health. Services for parents and professionals.
Phone: 0800 018 2138
Website: www.youngminds.org.uk (http://www.youngminds.org.uk)
* Sign
Helps to prevent deaf people developing mental health problems.
Phone: 01494 687600
Website: www.signcharity.org.uk (http://www.signcharity.org.uk)
* PAPYRUS
Teenage suicide prevention society.
Phone: HOPElineUK 0870 170 4000
Website: www.papyrus-uk.org (http://www.papyrus-uk.org)
* Self-Injury Helpline
0117 925 1119
* Manic Depression Fellowship
A charity helping people with manic depression/bipolar disorder.
Phone: 0845 634 0540
Website: www.mdf.org.uk (http://www.mdf.org.uk)
Abuse (child, sexual, domestic violence)
* NSPCC
Children's charity dedicated to ending child abuse and child cruelty.
Phone: 0800 1111 for Childline for children
0808 800 5000 for adults concerned about a child
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk (http://www.nspcc.org.uk)
* Refuge
Advice on dealing with domestic violence.
Phone: 0808 2000 247
Website: www.refuge.org.uk (http://www.refuge.org.uk)
Addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling)
* Alcoholics Anonymous
Phone: 0845 769 7555
Website: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk)
* Narcotics Anonymous
Phone: 0845 373 3366
Website: www.ukna.org (http://www.ukna.org)
* Gamblers Anonymous
Phone: 020 7384 3040
Website: www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk (http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk)
Bereavement
* Cruse Bereavement Care
Phone: 0844 477 9400
Website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk (http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk)
Crime victims
* Rape Crisis
Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/members.html (http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/members.html)
* Victim Support
Phone: 0845 30 30 900
Website: www.victimsupport.org (http://www.victimsupport.org)
Eating disorders
* Beat
formerly the Eating Disorders Association
Phone: 0845 634 1414
Website: www.b-eat.co.uk (http://www.b-eat.co.uk)
National Centre for Eating Disorders,
54 New Road, Esher, Surrey KT10 9NU Tel: 0845 838 2040 Email: ncfed@btclick.com
Obsessions
* OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Action
Support for people with obsessive compulsive disorder. Includes information on treatment and resources.
Phone: 020 7226 4000
* OCD UK
Charity website run by obsessive compulsives. Includes facts, news and treatments.
Phone: 0870 126 9506
Website: www.ocduk.org (http://www.ocduk.org)
Panic and anxiety
* No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.
Phone: 0808 808 0545
Website: www.nopanic.org.uk (http://www.nopanic.org.uk)
Anxiety UK,
Zion CRC, 339 Stretford Road,
Hulme, Manchester. M15 4ZY
Tel/Fax: 08444 775 774
Tel: 0161 227 9898
Fax: 0161 226 7727
email("info","anxietyuk.org.uk", " "); info @anxietyuk.org.uk (info@anxietyuk.org.uk)
I highly suggest you utilize it.
Good luck and positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
26-11-15, 04:43
Elik,
Acceptance is important because we can make our symptoms worse BUT it's incorrect to say that you can't challenge these issues as thats one of the strategies we are taught in CBT. It's a question of doing it the right way so that you tackle it with a positive or neutral process, not a negative one. This way you follow a structure, like in CBT, that asks you to determine all the evidence for & against and come out with a new conclusion.
Lets remember that anxiety hasd many causes, some of them are physical in nature so acceptance alone doesn't mean recovery merely management to prevent intensification e.g. ask someone like Shakey with his gluten intolerance.
The brain will rewire itself BUT ONLY IF you create the right set of circumstances to allow it do it, something explained in both neuroplasticity (the learning/rewiring) and epigenetic research.
People without disorders beat anxiety every day, otherwise they join our club!
From your posts I think you need a lot of help in steering your brain towards these processes as you are very negative about yourself and how you believe other perceive you (you mentioned the possibility of a personality disorder in the other thread, which would complicate ANY anxiety disorder significantly).
Weren't you due to see your therapist? And I take it you are under GP supervision since thats the case or have you gone private? As to whether you need an inpatient facility, I really think that is a question to put to someone who can answer it i.e. someone who understand why you go in and what it will do for you, not anyone on here but a medical professional who understands because thats not any of us when it comes to your individual needs at this severe level of care. I take it it would be private too so it seems inappropriate for a load of internet screen ID's to influence a costly financial decision.
---------- Post added at 04:43 ---------- Previous post was at 04:36 ----------
Elik,
I find your posts concerning in that you're in a mental place that IMO, requires professional help. There are several resources to draw from. Elen posted a very thorough list in a previous post of yours....
I highly suggest you utilize it.
Good luck and positive thoughts
I would suggest The Samaritans off that list, maybe the teenage suicide prevention line if elik is that young, otherwise sadly everyone on that list can offer what is happening already in therapy so other than someone to speak to they can tell you what you access (which is always a good thing) they won't take any emergency steps as they are not there for that.
Emergencies should be confined to medical professionals (so call 111, or your GP or therapist) other than The Samaritans who will speak to you if you need to talk to help calm down through such an episode.
I think I know exactly what my problems are and that's what so painful because I have so much self hatred and negativity towards myself which has been completely wired in to my daily life since the age of about 10 and it mounts up and disorders have been formed from it over the last twelve years. I lose myself in surviving and then panic when I don't feel I know who I am anymore. I panic about being in this state, that's what's the driving force is behind all this is because I am traumatized by previous experiences because to me, it is what hell must be like. I feel other worldly and am in a state of flight or fight all the time and need to find something to ground myself too. I do believe I need help and I think I need to take a few months out of my life to work on and rebuild myself to make sure I don't keep doing this rather than feeling a bit better then carrying on over the problems. I scare myself because I don't know how I actually come across so well to every person who doesn't know, because I just can't let myself look weird etc. I am at work now thinking that I may not be back tomorrow as I think I am just going to put myself in to a rehab tonight and think of how everyone in the office wouldn't have a clue that that's where I am at in my life. Its actually amazing how good I have become at hiding but I don't want to anymore, I want to be happy and feel it too. I want more than anything to be better and just content with life and what it brings and be the me I am underneath all this, so I am willing to accept any help I can get. I really appreciate your time and concerns with these posts but understand I can't rely on a forum for my life decisions, its just my way of seeking reassurance and guidance as I don't get it anywhere else. I am proud of myself I must say, for how I have managed this episode in comparison to when I was younger. I would never of gone into work or school, I would of gone into a frozen state of 'I can't' so I'm trying to keep my self going.
"but understand I can't rely on a forum for my life decisions"
But you can hopefully rely on one to feel connected to other people when you're isolated ? :)
I come from a background of social anxiety. I know all about feeling isolated and I recognise the value in just having people out there who just say something back. You post away as much as you want. There are plenty of good people here who can relate and who will try and respond in some way.
I like the way you sound more today than in recent weeks. You're painting a better picture of who you are instead of the short, vague posts. My point being it's simply good to talk. I think anxiety can feel very complicated but more often than not comes down to very normal, universal things that affect us all. By talking to others you can see how you're not so different after all.
You sound like you've had some crappy experiences with people and I think contact with good, supportive people can go a long way to repairing things like that. So many people here are in the same position in trying to recover from painful experiences with others earlier in their lives so can relate.
I used to have a negative default regarding other people too but over time it changed/improved.
How did the doctors appointment go yesterday ?
It's good that you're continuing to function in your daily life. I think you just need to make some breakthroughs under the surface and then youll feel happier on the inside.
I've had the self hatred thing. It's not set in stone though, It can be changed, without doubt. Make sure that's not all you see. You can get into a bad habit of only seeing that you you've grown to hate. Make a conscious effort to acknowledge the good, likeable, valuable things about yourself. You can only start to see it if you make a consistent effort to look for it. It can feel good quickly when you actually do start to recognise and acknowledge some positive things about yourself. It instantly puts the negative beliefs on weaker ground. Then hopefully in time you can see the you that you like more and forget about the negative way you used to see yourself.
I know the scary losing yourself feeling. I'd get it a lot at work then in small episodes later, which I was very bothered by. There is still a work related activity I avoid to this day because I believe it triggers it and I've no idea why. It might just be strong association. But yeh, scary, but you're still there underneath when it recedes and in time it can go completely. So don't get too bothered by it and give it more power. See it differently and begin its decline.
Plan yourself a good weekend to look forward to. And don't get p!ssed ! (Lol)
Or maybe you're going to do the priory thing and give yourself a bit of breathing space. Keep us updated on what you decide and how you're getting on !
Thank you. Yes, I just feel alien to everything and that's were the fear of losing control/going crazy feeling stems from because I feel so dark and unconnected and scared of myself. I know you are right, but its finding the strength to do all these things I'm more concerned about as when the fear is strong it completely stifles me!!I think I will go to the priory or some rehabilitation place as I really need no distraction, nothing to tip any sort of negativity and a focus on me because I never have time to resolve me and I need someone to lean on to do this because when I do this on my own I just lose focus and carry on if I'm feeling half OK and then I end up back here. I desperately want my parents as well so time is ticking very slowly to get to that point. I pray I get through this soon, I really really do. I fully sympathise with everyone and anyone who suffers like this, and the fact that when in this state its so hard to connect even when people share similar stories that you still feel as lonely if you were on your own suffering!
Thank you. Yes, I just feel alien to everything and that's were the fear of losing control/going crazy feeling stems from because I feel so dark and unconnected and scared of myself. I know you are right, but its finding the strength to do all these things I'm more concerned about as when the fear is strong it completely stifles me!!I think I will go to the priory or some rehabilitation place as I really need no distraction, nothing to tip any sort of negativity and a focus on me because I never have time to resolve me and I need someone to lean on to do this because when I do this on my own I just lose focus and carry on if I'm feeling half OK and then I end up back here. I desperately want my parents as well so time is ticking very slowly to get to that point. I pray I get through this soon, I really really do. I fully sympathise with everyone and anyone who suffers like this, and the fact that when in this state its so hard to connect even when people share similar stories that you still feel as lonely if you were on your own suffering!
A good few positives in this last post of yours Elik. And at least you are looking at getting through it which is great.
Best of luck to you and as Oosh said, keep posting if it helps at all.
So my friend has just called the Priory for me and is waiting for a call back and obviously, I am petrified. My whole body has just gone into apoplexy as its just that feeling of the world crashing down around me. I went outside walked around and came back in the office and my manager made a comment about my lipstick and now I'm sitting back at my desk doing everything I can to not flee the building and just run. I have never wanted my parents more than this, its so hard without them but I need to prove to myself I can handle this. No one knows, I know I'm not coming into work tomorrow either way because I have to sort this but they wouldn't have a clue so I'm unsure of what to say or how to leave it with them as they will be so baffled and that puts huge stress on me. M
Well why don't you wait and see what is happening regarding the priory first. There will be something you can communicate to the workplace somehow once you know what is going to happen next.
Get a response from the priory and get today's work day out of the way. You can take the next steps when they come.
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