Feel like i'm the only one experiencing this

[Ssmith]

I have been battling on and off for 5 years depression and anxiety. I've tried pretty much every SSRI without much success. During this time, i was able to work full and part time but still struggled with these problems. My symptoms are:

Extreme tiredness
Extreme anxiety all the time
Agoraphobia
Intrusive thoughts
Depression
Irritability
Headaches pretty much all the time
Broken sleep
Lack of independency
On edge all the time
Some suicidal thoughts (although i wouldn't ever act on them)
Panic
Brain feeling weird
Restlessness, can't keep legs still, can't relax,pacing up and down.
Always worrying
Lack of appetite and motivation

I am on a waiting list for CBT and to see a psychiatrist. I take diazepam and zoplicone in emergencies and am on a maintenance dose of 10mg of citalopram ,recently come down from 20mg as it wasn't working.

I just feel like i'm different to everyone. That no one else has had this as extreme and for so long. I'm convinced i have something more extreme like bipolar seen as i don't respond to medication, although I've never experienced a high.

I have no hope that I'll get better and stay better. How can i when I've had this got years? I'm 25 and recently had to quit my job as i couldn't work like this. It's hard to remember what 'normal' feels like. I just wish i could get better and stay better. Guess this is more of a rant then a question

[uru]

Sounds like me :(

[Ssmith]

I'm terrified i have bipolar. I keep reading about psychomotor agitation which only appears in bipolar. I keep reading about agitated depression and convinced that is me as I'm depressed but am very anxious and can't sit still for any length of time or concentrate. This is absolute hell and i honestly don't know what to do :s i keep pacing and not able to sit still or brushing my hand through my hair

[Ssmith]

I can't seem to get out of it no matter what i do. A minute feels like an hour. I'm really really worried I've got something like bipolar. I get periods of irritability as well. I don't know what to do. I keep ringing up for an emergency doctors appointment every week for how bad I'm feeling but they never seem to help me and say, 'we'll see where you are in a few weeks'.

[pulisa]

I've been diagnosed with agitated depression. It's not bipolar but it is incredibly challenging to manage and every minute can be unbearable. It's also meant to be very hard to treat. You're certainly not the only one experiencing these symptoms.

[Ssmith]

Pulisa,

I had this 5 years ago when i first ever experienced mental health problems. It was the worst thing i have ever experienced. Being depressed but also being incredibly anxious at the same time is horrendous. I was only ever given 20mg of citalopram back then and no other support. After 6 months or so, i came out of it but the medication didn't help whatsoever. It was the longest and most painful 6 months of my life. I've battled with anxiety and depression since but this episode is as bad as the first time for me and is awful.

What support/therapy/meds have you been given? Have you experienced it before?

[pulisa]

I had my first episode 20 years ago and was hospitalised. I've been on and off meds but have found them pretty ineffective. Diazepam helps but of course it can't be used long term so I reserve it for the worst times when it barely touches the agitation.

I don't have any help and in fact am a 24/7 carer for my daughter. I have been put forward for some 1to1 CBT as I really do need to talk about how this affects me but realistically I can't see it doing much.

It is horribly frightening and I really feel for you. At its worst it's simply unbearable. I don't know what to suggest other than to continue badgering the mental health services for help..

[Ssmith]

I suggested the agitated depression diagnosis 5 years ago to my doc/psychologist at the time and they dismissed it. I suggested it this time around to a different doc and they dismissed it again and said it was just extreme anxiety as my depression wasn't the bad. Ssri's have never worked for me. I seem to recover randomly.

I read online that the older style medications are very effective towards this. Have you ever tried those? Are you always in the agitated depression state?

[pulisa]

Yes I've tried trazodone and amitryptiline but neither did much. I think that there are too many cardiac problems associated with these drugs now.
SSRIs made things worse but a very low dose of escitalopram helped for a while.

I tend to have episodes of horrible agitation which last for weeks. In between I can manage the anxiety to an extent. A psychiatrist diagnosed me 20 years ago but I expect today I would get a different diagnosis as I haven't heard many people mention this diagnosis now.

[Ssmith]

If I'm honest, I'm really not bothered about side effects with medication if it means i can feel better. Sounds crazy but for me, i want nothing more than to be better and content.

I've found all the SSRI's just did absolutely nothing for me. I noticed nothing but that could also be because i feel bad anyway so put the possible side effects down to my existing conditions.

At the moment, tonight, I'm actually feeling a lot better. To the point that I'm enjoying watching the football, had a shower, eating properly. And yet i know tonight when i try to sleep or tomorrow, I'll be back to the acute anxiety. It's so bloody confusing!

[pulisa]

I take it you're not a Chelski fan then?!:D I'd make the most of feeling relatively "normal"-you're not alone in experiencing intense anxiety but if you dread its return it'll be there in force without fail

[Ssmith]

Definitely not a Chelsea fan. Unfortunately, I'm a York City supporter. Rock bottom of the football league! That's gonna make any supporter feel bad haha

[pulisa]

Good old Bootham Crescent! York is my favourite place in the UK!

Fingers crossed you avoid relegation!