Fear on mental not just physical illness? HA or real?

[robin321]

I have had a rough few months.

My HA flared up in October. I was worried about my crohns (real issue, but the worry wasn't rational. I have had it for 23 yrs and am fine). Quick summary:

-That led me to eat less, and to obsess over bowel movements.
- Lost weight - worried about that
- Started to wake up during the night anxious about these issues
- Then started to have trouble sleeping. First up early (4am) then 3am, 2am, and finally almost no sleep.
I have been able to control the worry about the original issues now (crohns + weight) but am left with bad insomnia.

For the past few weeks I have nights where I cannot fall asleep until 2, 3 even 4am (last night). This will go on for a few days. Then I sleep ok for a few days and it starts again. It seems worse during the week, as I feel pressure to be up and alert for work. When I am up I am not 'worried', but when I try to sleep I get panic attacks.

Anyway - my HA has turned to the insomnia. I think about it constantly - like I would a perceived illness. I read all about it online. I worry, and worry.

And then I started to read about OCD and intrusive thoughts. Low and behold I am having intrusive thoughts described in those articles. Yesterday I wasn't worried about the insomnia since I slept, but I was worried about the thoughts.

My fear of physical illness has now turned to mental illness. I read about depression. Am I depressed? Depression and insomnia go together. But I am still up and about, I don't feel 'down' except for my fear. I can feel good when I make the effort to fight it.

So it feels like my HA - only it is turned inward mentally - with mental checks of how I feel. Mental checks of how I am sleeping, what I am thinking. I am finding this worse!!! Has anyone had this?

I also find my anxiety worse at this time of the year. I feel like I should be happy, and am not. And I know the doctors and my therapists offices are closed for most of January. In addition, I am supposed to go away next week. My trip involves 3 days of driving. I am worried about how I will do that if I am tired.

[CoraB]

I can relate to that I worry about completely loosing my mind in panic that I make a fool or myself or sometimes it feels like I am truly going mad. I also worry about having an uncontrollable urge to kill myself when I feel down and acting upon it even though in my less depressed moments I am really clear I do not want too.

I worry mental illness will consume me or that others know I am losing the plot.

I also have trouble sleeping sometimes although not as pronounced as you. What sort of things do you try with regard to sleep?

[robin321]

Thank you for the reply.

I am like you... thoughts that come and go that are harsh like that. The key is not to overanalyze the thought and realize everyone has them. The difference - or key is not to engage them and try to 'think them away'.

I have a mild benzo for my sleep. It doesn't have a strong effect... but it can usually get me 4 or 5 hrs. But I feel groggy the next day, which I hate and which makes me more anxious. And sometimes the benzo doesn't work, and then I end up more tired.

I know the sleeping problem is mental. I will fall asleep in the evening while watching tv... but wake up 30min later. When everyone else goes to bed, I feel my panic start to set in. They are asleep... I am not. I try to read, or watch tv... sometimes it helps. But the big difficulty I have is when I close my eyes. I will feel myself drifting to sleep - I know I am because my thoughts start to become less clear or even make no sense (i.e. I will be thinking of a show from the week before without trying). it is like I am watching my thoughts. I will suddenly realize this, panic and get up. Once I am up - the whole process starts again. I might read for 20min and calm down. But then I can't sleep so I try again. As the night goes on I start to panic more. Finally at 3am or so - I will usually crash and sleep till maybe 5 or 6. But last night I couldn't sleep - and at 230 I got fed up and took 4 shots of rum to calm me down. This worked, and got me 3 hrs of sleep. But I feel worse and more out of control for taking it.

I should see the Dr. But being Xmas - and being that I am going away, I know he will order blood work and I don't want to be worried about that all holiday. I am hoping the holiday may make this better.... for awhile anyway as it seems to be better on weekends.