Health Anxiety is killing me...

[Louise2013]

I am spending so much time worrying that I am dying that I am forgetting how to live. I have two young children and I developed HA after I gave birth the first time; it's essentially been my manifestation of PND but I am losing control of things and no idea how to turn this around. I am currently obsessed with fears over pancreatic cancer. I feel convinced I have it. I can't slow my thoughts down. I have an 18-month old and 3-month old. I have developed insomnia and lie awake for hours thinking about what may happen.

Has anyone else beaten it? How? My GP wasn't able to refer me for CBT but I suspect that would be a good start. I am happy to go private if it will help????? I feel like I live every day amidst a thick grey fog that never clears. I literally think about this every single second of the day...... I have had to stop talking to my husband about it. He is very supportive and very kind, but he really doesn't understand why I can't just 'snap out of it'.

How has everyone else who has beaten it, managed it?? I can't let my kids grow up with a mother like this xx

[Haylee.a]

Bless you Hun!!! I've been going through this the past 6 weeks and it's blimmin awful convincing yourself your dying of something like cancer!!! Are you on medication? I went on mine as soon as my anxiety started and glad I did because 7 weeks down the line im so much better!!! I'm able to clean my house again I'm not having panic attacks anymore!!! I'll have slight anxiety attacks but nothing major and they don't last long!!! Best prescribed drug and I'm not coming off them any time soon!!! I was feeling exactly how you are only a few weeks ago!!! You will see better days you just need to do more about it xx

[Lifelonganxiety!]

It's not fun is it! I would definitely try to get as much professional help as you can as this is no way to live. For me, medication has worked well. I still get anxious (as I'm on a very low dose I guess) but it has given me my life back. I used to be crippled by these thoughts and expected to be dead within a year - that was 12 years ago so I guess I was wrong ;)

Please do use this site for support, a lot of us are in the same boat! I can totally relate to the spouse as well. My wife is supportive of course, but has no understanding of it and gets to the point where she just doesn't know what to do when I bring up a symptom.

Also, there is a thread here about success stories - you should read that. People DO beat this all the time, it's just a matter of finding what's best for you. Don't give up, keep fighting these feelings and try to relax and enjoy the little things in life!

[Louise2013]

Thanks both - I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I've been struggling with insomnia for a little while now and I suspect it's anxiety-related (e.g. it's causing the insomnia, not the insomnia triggering anxiety etc.) so am just sat here now, trying not to google my way to another illness throughout the night.

What medication have you tried? In my head I can't see how medication would help - I feel that these things are so ingrained me, they can't be chemical? I don't know enough about it (Ironic considering how much medicine I do know about being so HA paranoid).... would it work in combination with therapy do you think? I had some counselling but it wasn't a cbt-based programme which I think I probably need. Literally spent this evening holding back tears preparing for Christmas worrying it will be my last with my children. Even as a type I realise how nuts I sound. I can see it; I can understand how it makes no sense to anyone who has never experienced HA that I feel this way; I would have thought the same until I experienced it for myself. I can't believe how debilitating it is; it has me in it's grip like a vice and I have to get out. I'll have a read of the success story thread asap xxxx

[artist12]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I'm right there with you, I have stretches where I think I'm okay, and then it hits full force and completely cripples my life, and I obsess about ailments literally all day.

After trying to talk to my doctor and chiropractor (who both kind of dismissed me) I have really been researching holistic methods on my own. Greater self-awareness, meditation, essential oils, natural supplements (like Nutri-Calm and Anxiousless), exercise, a clean diet with limited dairy and grains - these have all been helping me a little bit and collectively make a big difference sometimes. I am trying to take the best care of my body possible, which reduces my anxiety symptoms and any actual symptoms.

And as scary as it has been to think about, I've been sort of leading myself through my own little CBT. When I DO think something is horribly wrong with me, I try to think about what happens if there actually is something wrong. Do I automatically die? No.

I'm wishing you all the best, and don't be afraid to take research into your own hands and find little victories in things that make you feel just a teeny bit better.

I do not feel like I will ever be completely cured of HA, but I am on the road to learning how to manage it so that it doesn't interfere with my life. I wish you the same!

-Angela

[Haylee.a]

I was in your exact position a few weeks back Hun and it's bloody awful!!! Fortunately for me my medication has now kicked in and I'm starting to go to the old me again!!! In the back of my mind I'm still freaked out by my bruised legs and tiny blood spots thinking its lukeimia but I've also had a full blood count so my mind is in two with that! I still obsess but just not with Google and because I've stopped googling I find my mind gets taken off of whatever wrong at the time a lot quicker!!!! ........ As far as the medication goes I'm one of these that will only take paracetamol if I really have to)!! But I knew when 7 weeks ago I was hit with it I needed them!!!! Started of on 10mg citalopram and the side effects were dreadful but do you know what I persevered and got the dosage upped and So glad I did because I wouldn't be able to do my Xmas shopping done

[HalfJack]

Lots of people have beaten health anxiety, the success stories forum on here might be a good place to search for HA success stories :)
You might find some good advice not to mention hope.

CBT is something you can do on your own too an extent. There's lots of info on this site about good exercises to do alone and stuff. Mindfulness can be good to calm you down too, lots of self help books around. Doctors don't have much to offer in the way of mental health services at the moment sadly, but there might be a local support group or charity that will be able to help you.

I had HA very badly a few years ago and I'm pretty much completely over it now. I reasoned with myself when I was being over dramatic about it to begin with. It's like any form of anxiety, some behaviors feed it, and a good way to start getting better is to tackle those bit by bit. But that's just me!

[Traceypo]

Hi hun, I had a tear in my eye reading your story, it's so similar to mine.
My Ha started after I'd given birth, I too didn't sleep, I'd lie awake waiting for my son to wake. I started worrying about who would take care of him if I was ill, then that moved too who would take care of him if I wasn't here anymore.
I became convinced I would have a heart attack, most likely due to the physical symptoms of anxiety convincing me it was heart related. This fear would change with every new symptom and my fatal illnesses would switch to something else, but generally move back to my heart.
I'd distance myself from loved ones as I strongly believed I wasn't long left for this world, some days I was convinced I'd be gone by the end of the day.
Anyhow, this all started for me 8 years ago, after 3 years I realised it was irrational and I was lucky to have an amazing Gp who supported me immensely (I later found out he had his own anxiety battles). I started CBT and it was amazing. I had a couple of years of being rational.
There have been two new triggers since that time when I started to slip back into negative thought patterns. Each time I've accessed CBT, I'm currently having therapy now but if you read through my posts from August, you'll see the dramatic changes in me.
In the North East we have a self referral for CBT, nothing at all to do with your GP, it's NHS provided so no cost.
I feel angry that your doctor is not giving you the details and the opportunity to change your life.
Check out the Internet, Google talking therapies and the area you live in, it may be that you also have a self referral system too.
There is recovery, I've accepted I'll most likely never be anxiety free, however, I can now live with my demons and manage them in a way where I am actually living my life instead of fearing everything.
Xxx

[lfc65]

Hi Louise. Felt I had to reply as this could have been me writing your post 13 years ago. My HA started mildly after the birth of my first son but was full force PND which mainly manifested as HA after the birth of the second. My kids are now 16 and 13 and I'm still here....my HA is not totally cured, I still get flare ups on occasion which last a few days but I can generally rationalise them now so it doesn't take over my life. pancreatic cancer has also been a huge fear for me too, my father had this, so I can also identify with that. Over the years I've convinced myself I've had most cancers (my husband jokes I could even convince myself I've got testicular and prostate when I've been at my worst ��) not to mention many neuro conditions.
You must try and tackle the insomnia first. Are you able to take sleeping tablets or are you feeding baby? My GP felt it was so important that I slept better and went on anti depressants (Citralopram) that I stopped feeding my younger son at 3 months. They do take a while to kick in but persevere. Personally I couldn't have got through that first few months without them. I then had CBT which was brilliant and I highly recommend this. I was on medication for about a year. In the 12 years since I have had two big flare ups of HA, both of which were triggered by major life events but 95% of the time I live a life free of major health worries.
You have had two babies in a short space of time, what your body has done is absolutely amazing but it will have left you with strange niggles and pains. This is completely normal. You will be fine xx

[Louise2013]

Thanks everyone. Apologies it has taken me so long to reply and say that.

I was able to distract myself a little with Christmas, but still found every minute these thoughts creeping in. But hey, that's an improvement on every single second! Although now I am back in reality, I'm back to as before......

LFC65 in answer to your question no, I am no longer feeding; I had problems feeding first time round and this time, although I managed for a few months, I felt I was developing an OCD about it; I was timing everything, trying to calculate how much my baby had fed (with my first we ended up in hospital as no one realized I wasn't producing any milk and my baby lost too much weight). I was determined to continue but it was making me emotionally unwell (ha! As if I wasn't already crazy enough.... :)) so I stopped.... however, I'm wary of taking anything to help me sleep as I still need to feed in the night (via bottles I mean). I worry I wouldn't wake up when my baby needed me to - not sure how deep you go under with tablets but that is my fear....

I really appreciate everyone who has written to me in reply. It makes me feel less alone. But it also makes me feel even more anxious in a way as I hear myself saying 'Well, this is all well and good if this was related to my Health Anxiety like everyone else here has, but THIS time, I KNOW it's actually X/Y/Z (insert horrible disease name).............' Is that usual? Did everyone else feel like that? That no matter how many people tell you 'It's okay, I've been there' you still think 'Yeah, but THIS time, it's real....'???

I don't know. I feel like I am living in this horrible space in my own head. I am constantly thinking about things like, have I prepared my family enough financially should the worst happen, what can I do to make sure my children know how much I love them? All this stuff....... I'm exhausted with it, and I feel the pains I have been having in my abdomen/chest/back are getting worse, so the cycle continues.....

I have an appointment with my GP this week. I suspect it will just be a 'crier'......hating this.

[smogie]

I have had the same conversation tonight having suffered throat and swallowing issues many times over the years and again it has reared its ugly head again have seen two docs who have reassured me it's all anxiety related I still can't help thinking but what if it isn't this time all I can advise is that this thinking is typical health anxiety thinking take care x

[Anacbn]

Hello,
I also started my full blown health anxiety after the birth of my baby.mshe is now 6 !
I can tell you that recovery isn't fast, but you will get there. I've also never taken any medication, but on the early days I went to the gym at least 4x a week. After around 3 months I was feeling much better.
I've also had 2 rounds of CBT that were helpful, they taught me a lot about my condition. My therapist has also sugested mindfulness and it has been wonderful!
I won't lie to you, there isn't a magic pill and you won't be better tomorrow. It took a long time for you to get here and will be a long time until you be yourself again, but persevere, life is wonderful when looked from a positive perspective!
First step is to drop all your safety behaviours: googling, asking for reassurance, avoiding, checking, etc.
Second step is to stop being afraid of all your symptoms, put everything under the umbrella of anxiety. Celebrate when you feel anxious, so you can show this monster who is actually boss here!
Third step is to distract yourself: go for a jog, dance with the kids, go for a walk and look for things you don't usually notice, clean the house at midnight( when you can't sleep).
fourth step is to permit yourself being ill. Anxiety is a condition and it takes time to feel better again. Don't blame yourself for feeling this way, you must let your body heal. By attacking it everyday( worrying, judging, analysing), you're not giving it the time it needs. Think about it.
Recovery is a long and difficult process but it's possible. Look for CBT, join the gym, take on meditation and change the way you look things around you.
After all this year of trial and error, I strongly believe that anxiety empowered me to be a better person, a more patient mum and fuller human being.
Trust in yourself, you will be fine! X