tinae
28-12-15, 02:11
Hi everyone! My name is Tina. I'm 43, from Ohio but currently live in Los Angeles, and have been dealing with PD (agoraphobia present) for 12-13 years now. For me, all anxiety revolves around the fear of death, specifically by heart attack and recently stroke. I wish I had found this forum a long time ago because it's soooo demoralizing to have a disease people are convinced you just "snap out of"! Anyway, here's my Cliff Notes backstory:
I had my first attack 2 nights before Thanksgiving in 2002 or 2003. I was taken from my home by ambulance; I vividly recall being convinced I was having a heart attack and thought I'd die en route to the ER because the roads were snowy and icy that evening, which caused the ambulance to move at a snail's pace. (Snow and ice have been triggers for me ever since.) Hours later, having been fed nitro, injected with what I now know was ativan, and having a slew of tests done, I was told "we don't know what happened but we don't think it's your heart". ("Don't think" are 2 words that cause anxiety patients more anxiety!) I was released, but convinced I had an undetected illness that would kill me. I was back in the ER the following night, this time presenting paralysis as well as heart symptoms.
From there it got exponentially worse... I couldn't tell you how many ambulances and ERs I've been in if my life literally depended on it. Living in the Midwest back then, a place where anything "mental" is taboo, if the doctors knew I was having panic attacks they didn't tell me so. I believe that not knowing was what caused the attacks to develop into full-fledged PD, though that is my personal speculation.
Over the next 2 years my docs put me on medicine after medicine after medicine. Back then I still believed "doctor knows best" so I took whatever was dispensed as directed. Looking back, it's a wonder I lived through this guinea pig phase because they never bothered weaning me off one med before trying another. (So basically, I was being put in acute withdrawal from one medicine while simultaneously feeling the initial side effects of a new medicine.) I was put on everything from Prozac, Nortriptiline, and Paxil to Zonegran (turned out to be for epileptics!), ativan, valium, xanax, and so on. Most of the side effects coupled with withdrawal effects caused me to develop a phobia toward all new medicines, which eventually extended to even vitamins.
Flash forward to 4 years ago: By the time my parents and children convinced me to seek in-patient treatment in LA, I had gone from being a jet-setting world traveler to living in one small part of my bedroom and bathroom, sometimes not leaving for months at a time. I didn't live; I merely existed. Every waking moment of every day had one goal: feel nothing. Feelings led to anxiety, anxiety to attacks, and what little was left of me revolved around not having an attack.
When I went into DBT/CBT treatment in LA, it was both brutal and wonderful. I learned how to feel again, how to live again, and how to function again. I grew increasingly able to differentiate one emotion from the next, which any long-time sufferer knows eventually becomes a problem. The first time I visited Ohio while in treatment, I realized just how far gone my ability to distinguish between emotions had become. Anxiety, fear, elation, anticipation... all of them cause the same bodily sensations and anything, literally ANYTHING, that made my heart rate go up had become the enemy...which included emotions.
Anyway, the intensive therapy helped. I made friends here, went out and did things... all the normal parts of life people without PD take for granted. I was in-patient for roughly 6 weeks and out patient for the next 2 years. Eventually I learned all there was to learn about coping skills, and had developed a severe case of therapy burnout to boot, so I ended my therapist-patient relationship and have since seen only my psychiatrist for med checks.
Unfortunately, and what brings me to this forum, is I can tell I'm slowly regressing. My agoraphobia, while always a factor, has become quite severe... not good when therapists don't make house calls. I also noticed I've been focusing on body symptoms with greater frequency, though now instead of being heart-obsessed, I'm heart AND stroke obsessed.
I am hoping to find a friend/sponsor here who is willing to work with me. I know I can turn this around if I remember to practice my coping skills more often... stupid as it sounds, I work so many hours a day that I often forget to eat much less practice skills. I am looking for someone who needs to practice skills as well so it's an equal relationship where we both give and take. I'm looking for someone serious rather than someone who only wants to complain about how unfair it is we were dealt these cards. (It's a given that it's unfair :)) My needed skills involve mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, thought challenge, meditation, and the cold water trick. You don't have to be a DBT guru, but just willing to practice these skills with me :) I would also prefer a friend/sponsor willing to work the DBT workbook with me.
I think that's it. I'm sorry this intro turned into a dissertation!! OTOH if you actually took the time to read this entire thing, you might be the friend/sponsor for me. Thank you for your time and I look forward to getting to know everyone here, whether we co-sponsor each other or not! :)
Tina
I had my first attack 2 nights before Thanksgiving in 2002 or 2003. I was taken from my home by ambulance; I vividly recall being convinced I was having a heart attack and thought I'd die en route to the ER because the roads were snowy and icy that evening, which caused the ambulance to move at a snail's pace. (Snow and ice have been triggers for me ever since.) Hours later, having been fed nitro, injected with what I now know was ativan, and having a slew of tests done, I was told "we don't know what happened but we don't think it's your heart". ("Don't think" are 2 words that cause anxiety patients more anxiety!) I was released, but convinced I had an undetected illness that would kill me. I was back in the ER the following night, this time presenting paralysis as well as heart symptoms.
From there it got exponentially worse... I couldn't tell you how many ambulances and ERs I've been in if my life literally depended on it. Living in the Midwest back then, a place where anything "mental" is taboo, if the doctors knew I was having panic attacks they didn't tell me so. I believe that not knowing was what caused the attacks to develop into full-fledged PD, though that is my personal speculation.
Over the next 2 years my docs put me on medicine after medicine after medicine. Back then I still believed "doctor knows best" so I took whatever was dispensed as directed. Looking back, it's a wonder I lived through this guinea pig phase because they never bothered weaning me off one med before trying another. (So basically, I was being put in acute withdrawal from one medicine while simultaneously feeling the initial side effects of a new medicine.) I was put on everything from Prozac, Nortriptiline, and Paxil to Zonegran (turned out to be for epileptics!), ativan, valium, xanax, and so on. Most of the side effects coupled with withdrawal effects caused me to develop a phobia toward all new medicines, which eventually extended to even vitamins.
Flash forward to 4 years ago: By the time my parents and children convinced me to seek in-patient treatment in LA, I had gone from being a jet-setting world traveler to living in one small part of my bedroom and bathroom, sometimes not leaving for months at a time. I didn't live; I merely existed. Every waking moment of every day had one goal: feel nothing. Feelings led to anxiety, anxiety to attacks, and what little was left of me revolved around not having an attack.
When I went into DBT/CBT treatment in LA, it was both brutal and wonderful. I learned how to feel again, how to live again, and how to function again. I grew increasingly able to differentiate one emotion from the next, which any long-time sufferer knows eventually becomes a problem. The first time I visited Ohio while in treatment, I realized just how far gone my ability to distinguish between emotions had become. Anxiety, fear, elation, anticipation... all of them cause the same bodily sensations and anything, literally ANYTHING, that made my heart rate go up had become the enemy...which included emotions.
Anyway, the intensive therapy helped. I made friends here, went out and did things... all the normal parts of life people without PD take for granted. I was in-patient for roughly 6 weeks and out patient for the next 2 years. Eventually I learned all there was to learn about coping skills, and had developed a severe case of therapy burnout to boot, so I ended my therapist-patient relationship and have since seen only my psychiatrist for med checks.
Unfortunately, and what brings me to this forum, is I can tell I'm slowly regressing. My agoraphobia, while always a factor, has become quite severe... not good when therapists don't make house calls. I also noticed I've been focusing on body symptoms with greater frequency, though now instead of being heart-obsessed, I'm heart AND stroke obsessed.
I am hoping to find a friend/sponsor here who is willing to work with me. I know I can turn this around if I remember to practice my coping skills more often... stupid as it sounds, I work so many hours a day that I often forget to eat much less practice skills. I am looking for someone who needs to practice skills as well so it's an equal relationship where we both give and take. I'm looking for someone serious rather than someone who only wants to complain about how unfair it is we were dealt these cards. (It's a given that it's unfair :)) My needed skills involve mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, thought challenge, meditation, and the cold water trick. You don't have to be a DBT guru, but just willing to practice these skills with me :) I would also prefer a friend/sponsor willing to work the DBT workbook with me.
I think that's it. I'm sorry this intro turned into a dissertation!! OTOH if you actually took the time to read this entire thing, you might be the friend/sponsor for me. Thank you for your time and I look forward to getting to know everyone here, whether we co-sponsor each other or not! :)
Tina