View Full Version : Don't know what to do
I have just changed my user name from ckirby25 to lass, for those who may know me already!
I have been suffering from ha for about a year now. I think it shocked everyone around me when I first went downhill, as I was such a strong and capable person beforehand, and it turned me into a wreck. I had lots of support and by the end of last summer I think I was learning to cope with it better.
Since then, everything has returned to "normal" apart from the fact that I am no longer the person I used to be. I feel I need a lot of support now, but everyone around me thinks I am back how I am and so no one offers help or even enquires how I am.
I have a couple of close friends who are great, but I don't like to keep on and on about the same things as they will soon get fed up - because I know that it is very hard to understand if you are not going through it. I try really hard not to keep asking for reassurance, but I don't know if that's good for me or not.
My problem lately is that my husband is very unsympathetic. My GP sent me for counselling (which he deemed a waste of time before I even started it, and said "I hope I'm not paying for that"). My counselling finished a couple of weeks ago and I think it helped a lot. I had a great spell for about 6 weeks where my anxiety was very much under control.
However, my husband seems to think that now the counselling has finished I should "snap out of it". That I've wasted enough time on this and I need to pull myself together. We watched the programme on channel 4 together, which I hoped would give him some insight into how I feel. But he just took the p*** - saying they need to snap out of it, etc. Then he said - "see, it's all in your head" - and I said I realise that, but there is always the "what if it isn't this time ...." thoughts to deal with. He thinks I (and all of us with ha) are just attention seekers and we enjoy feeling like this!
He also really upset me last week because he told me I was a nutter, that I needed to stop coming on here and talking to other nutters because it made me worse - because then I start thinking "oh, I've got that" about all the other posts (which has happened only once in all the time I've been on here!). I also have made a friend from here and we text each other daily, it's great support, but he said I need to stop texting her, and that she's a nutter too.
Basically, our relationship is really going downhill and I think he is saying all these things to hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in an abusive relationship here; he's not a really strong man who can tell me what I can and can't do! But I'm just feeling really hurt by his comments and lack of understanding. And I'm reluctant to try and sort this out because I'm scared where it might go - I can't actually see any positive outcome at the moment.
I find it hard to talk to people about my relationship worries, as everyone loves my husband, he's normally very placid and laid back - whereas I'm the uptight nutter who gives him a hard time!
Anyone got any advice? I'd like to be able to make him understand how it is for me, but I've tried explaning about the negative thoughts and so on, and he says "well don't think about it then". How can you get through to someone who has never suffered anxiety in their life, who never worries about anything?
Or maybe it is me causing our problems, in which case, how can I help myself here?
hi i just thought i,d let you know that your not alone.my hubby is ok as long as i don,t mention my anxiety ,and when i do he goes quiet and i think thats his way of dealing with it!my husband was at work when that show was aired,but i really wish i had taped it so he knows that i,m not the only one.
you,ve done really well and you are bound to have times when you just need that little bit of reassurance,we are only human afterall.i know that i wouldn,t wish this upon anyone but sometimes i wish me &my hubby could switch bodies for a day just so he knew how it felt!!!!
take care
rach x
Thanks for replying Rach.
This is really starting to get me down, horrible atmosphere at home. And so in turn, my anxiety is getting worse, I'm getting health symptoms and they are worrying me (even though I should know by now they are anxiety). I'm stuck in a vicious circle and I can't see a way out.
I'm also starting to think that maybe it is me, maybe I am nuts :(
hi i know how u feel i have the same problem. i think that i am a kind person and i hope i would never say the things that my husband says to me. he is so angry with me all the time im not sure i want the guilt any more
best wishes
sue
:)
heelo, me and my fella were having a bit of a tiff the other day so i just walked away and spent some time on the computer, he walked in and said ''found anything to sort your head out yet?'' i know its not much but it really hurt, i had to go and stay somewhere else for a cuple of days because i couldn't bear to be around him. during my last relationship i was made to think the troubles we were going through were all my fault, its wasn't a physically abusive relationship but it was mentally and looking back i'm sure thats what started my whole anxiety disorder.. anyway, back to my present boyfriend, i told him how much he hurt me and he was genuinelly discussed with himself and really sorry he'd said it.. hopefully it won't happen again.. its so so so hard when someone hasn't experianced it themselves, i hope you manage to sort things out but stand up for youself, try and get some info for him to read so he can get a better understanding..
Thanks honeybee,
I've really tried to make him understand what it's like for me, but we are so very different. He's always been really laid back and nothing bothers him. That's also part of the problem, as I cop all the responsibilities and run myself ragged trying to fit everything in while he chills out in front of the tv. He has a problem with the fact that I can't relax at home and I have a problem with the fact that he doesn't do more for/with me and the children.
He knows his comments are hurtful, that's why he says them, to get at me. I guess we're going through a bad patch but I can't see a way out at the moment.
He's got an opinion lately on everything I do: if I try a supplement, he says I don't need it and I'm wasting my money; if I read a book about anxiety or IBS, he says I shouldn't be reading it, its a load of rubbish and messing with my head, I should find a more interesting book to read; if I come on here, I'm talking to nutters and we're each telling each other what we want to hear, whereas we need someone to be truthful and tell us there's nothing wrong, snap out of it.
I don't know, I wish I knew how to talk to him without it being an argument, and I do acknowledge that it's probably difficult living with someone who's moods change a lot. But I do my best to not let it affect the people around me, and I feel as my husband he should do more to support me. I'm very angry with him, and hurt, so it's hard to make the effort to talk to him without causing a row.
Hi,
The same here regarding my wife.
We, like you, sat down to watch the programme. When it finished, she did not seem to say anything. I then asked her and all she said was "it did not mention the partners, did it"?
This was not the responce I was hoping for but I guess she is sick to the back teeth of the word ANXIETY but it's these people, which we need support from.
Your not alone.
Red
This is a tough subject and I'll try and answer it truthfully from my perspective.
However, is it any wonder people who haven't got anxiety find it tough to deal with? Can we blame them if they find it hard to cope with? Most of us would say the anxiety we feel is not logical, we ourselves know it isn't logical, yet we cannot escape it. I can only imagine this is even more mind bending for others to deal with on a long term basis, especially if constant reassurance is asked for.
Looking at it from the partners point of view, no doubt they see a change in their loved ones. In many cases they have not contributed to this, so they must feel many issues themselves, this is not however a justification to make the situation worse, but we all must understand the frustration and emotional feelings they have as well as us.
I know many have concerns over HA and the internet, we must admit those concerns are justified. How many times do we say "don't google", like it or not the net and websites can be a great support, but they can also be a trigger for feeling worse, didn't Laura say this in the very documentary we are on about on C4?
As in most relationaship issues, it is about balance. Yes partners and family members must understand anxiety, however, we must also understand their feelings. As a simple example, perhaps a partner should DO OTHER things to reduce a persons anxiety, rather than scream at them that is what they should be doing? However, it is our responsibility to accept that help or to address the issues around anxiety. A relationship cannot nor should not be a one-way street.
Just my thoughts.
Take Care,
Hi
You're not alone with this.
My husband is very laid back and relaxed about life in general although I have to say he is very good with helping around the house, with our son, etc. His way of dealing with my HA is to make a joke of it, I have been told to "get a grip", "pull yourself together" many times, not in a nasty way at all but in a jokey, lighthearted way:rolleyes:. A classic example is that I have just returned from a trip to my GP with sore throat and swollen lymph glands (I was convinced it was lymph node cancer), the GP has confirmed it is a viral problem. I telephoned my husband to tell him the good news and he answered the phone with "so how long have you got to live this time, do we need to cancel our holiday?" but I don't really get annoyed about it, I think that's just his way of dealing with it. If he said something that I found really hurtful I would tell him.
Part of the problem could be frustration and helplessness (his, not yours), that he is unable to do anything to make you feel better. My husband has expressed this frustration on a couple of occasions but has kind of learned that whatever he does it makes no difference to how I'm feeling about my health so he goes along with the theory "laughter is the best medicine".
Have you tried sitting down together with him and telling him what he could do to help (such as with the kids and around the house) and explain how hurtful and unhelpful his comments/behaviours are.
Hope you work it out with him.
K xx
Thanks K. I have tried and tried - it's an ongoing thing with me asking him to help out more. But he says he's always been like this and he's not going to change now. It was me who wanted kids and I can't complain now about all the running around I have to do. I get frustrated because he works shifts and gets an awful lot of time off. He works on a 6 week rota, and in that time he gets an 8 day break and a 16 day break - every six weeks! I work 2 days a week in an office, plus do beauty therapy from home/mobile as required, which means most days I am working. I take the children to school every day, I take them to their after school clubs, do all the running around for them at weekends, and he sits on the sofa, playing on the PS2 or watching TV - and feels that if he empties the dishwasher or puts on a load of washing, then he's more than contributed for the day.
He never gets out of bed before 9.30am when he's not working - but he doesn't care that I think it's unfair he doesn't get up and help me with the kids before school, or even occasionally offer to take them for me so I get a bit more time.
It bothers me when the house is a tip, but it doesn't bother him, so unless I leave clear instructions on what needs to be done, nothing gets done. Other than "his" jobs such as mowing the lawn.
I've just always got on and done everything, and he's been happy to let me, but for the past year this has all been adding to my stress, and therefore anxiety, and I need more support than I get.
His answer is that even when he does something, I don't appreciate it or thank him, so there's no point in him doing anything. As if I ever get any thanks for what I do!
And regarding help with my anxiety - I know I obsess a lot about my IBS symptoms and try a lot of self help for IBS and anxiety, and it's probably annoying for him. But his attitude is - don't worry about it! Which as most of you on here will realise is not actually possibly!
I tend not to tell him when I'm feeling bad, and I know I shut myself off. I want more space, but he's always around at home, he never goes out - so whenever I'm at home, I am surrounded by children, husband and work to do. I can relax a lot more when I am on holiday or out with friends, but I'd love just once to come home to a nice, clean tidy house, maybe even a meal waiting for me - just like he gets every day.
I'm sorry, I know this is long and boring to everyone, but I just need to offload here!
Hiya,
i can relate to a lot of what you are saying, my hubby definately thinks we are all nutters on here and are making ourselves worse. I made a point of staying away for a while, if anything it made me worse (hubby still won't accept it though).
It must be hard for them, he'll say 'you try living with you, asking constantly for reassurance'. I do try to give him a 'break' but then i find i bottle it up and it comes pouring out worse than ever. I do feel guilty that i cause so many problems in our lives by worrying over 'symptoms', but i quite simply cannot help it and i certainly do not enjoy being like this.
I'm sure a lot of how they react is over frustration in not knowing how to help us.
No advice unfortunately, but you are not alone.
love anx xx aka nutter:D
Hiya hun,
I'm so sorry he has treated you this way and refered to you as a 'nutter', thats a terrible way to talk about your wife especially when she has not been well with ha. You know how I feel about it, I was quite hurt he called me a 'nutter' aswell to be honest and I don't even know him, lol!
My husband is sooooooooo laid back, he NEVER worries and he finds it hard to understand but do you know what he has been fantastic, he has never taken the P**s out of me or me using this site, he thinks its great I have you as a friend, ive never had a friend who understands what im going through. Yes he has been under alot of pressure the last few years with me being like this but he has stuck by me and im so glad he sat with me and watched that programme the other night, its the first time he has heard of anyone else suffering with it and it gave him a real insight to how ive been feeling.
If it were me id sit down and talk to him, id tell him how hurt you are, tell him its not easy to snap out of and that he is your husband and he should remember his vows 'in sickness & in health', he should not be taking the p**s out of you, you are his wife and ha is an illness, its not easy to 'snap out' of as you know.
I am not being harsh hun, I just feel so sorry for you, it must be very difficult for you living with someone who has hurt you like this. I honestly do not see his problem in you using this site for support, yes reassurance etc.. is a bad thing but just to talk to others does help and he should realise that.
I hope you are ok, txt me anytime and we shall msn very soon.
J xxxxx
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