Not even sure if I am suffering from Anxiety or if it's my environment

[HopelessWorrier2011]

This post is basically what it says on the can, I cannot work out if my symptoms are due to general anxiety or if they are actually to do with the environment I'm living in. Firstly can I say I consider myself an intelligent woman both academically and emotionally but I have placed myself in a position that for various reason I feel I can't and don't want to get out of (the situations I would happily leave).
I cohabit with my partner who isn't the father of my children (I was married before, emotionally abusive relationship) this partner has been a friend for many years and he as well as myself was going through a divorce when we got together, we are both early 30s and have been in a relationship for 4 years. In the early years our relationship infuriated our respective exes which I bore the brunt from both sides. After our relationship became public knowledge and caused mayhem I found out that while we had been seeing each other without everybody knowing he had been trying to rekindle his marriage with his wife, his excuse was it was for the children. I also found out he had slept with his friends wife whose husband had also not been faithful which resulted in both the wife and my partner contracting an STD thankfully I was clear his friend never found out but he came clean to me. When I found all this out I was in a very bad place and very weak. I do believe this has destroyed me, my self esteem and my self worth. Four years on and I'm unable to get over any of this and he is 100% better than he was all those years ago but I'm still stuck there stronger than I was then. The usual cliche is that I love him but don't think I can carry on as I genuinely believe it's affecting my mental health. My symptoms are:-

Fly off the handle unable to handle situations then crumble sobbing
Pure frustration
Severe Health Anxitey terrified I have cancer
Constant lack of appetite
Trouble falling asleep
Unable to get out of bed on a morning
Fear I'm losing control
Guilt
Anger
Night sweats

I am exhausted with my thoughts and feelings I've tried counselling which makes me angry because he is fine so I blame him. He blames my ex husband and my hormones for my up and down moods. My elder daughter is going through her GCSE's soon and I'm terrified I am going to affect her studying if I don't pull myself togetheri

[uru]

Oh dear, it sounds like you're in a bad way. Have you been to the doctors?

[HopelessWorrier2011]

Many thanks for your response. I have been to the Dr but all I want him to do is give me every test under the sun to reassure me I don't have a terminal illness. I know I need to get down to the root of my issues though. I just feel trapped, scared hand hopeless. I don't think I have the strength to fight this anymore, I'm scared I'm going to crumble but know I need to be strong for my two girls. Dr has kept me on citalopram and has given me a prescription for 6 months. I feel like I'm floating through life just getting by not truly enjoying it which saddens me

[Pepperpot]

Hey.. This is anxiety and it's due to what your partner has done. Many years ago, I noticed a text on my then partners phone. He had been meeting up with a girl I know. He had came in late one night & something wasn't right & I checked his phone. Anyway, long story short, he said he hadn't done anything with her, blah blah. I forgave him, and we carried on with life, but it was eating away at me & I became ill. I had all of your symptoms apart from the HA. I lost loads of weight as I couldn't eat thinking about him being with her. It used to make me furious that he could get on with his life as if nothing had happened but I was a complete mess. The noise of his text tone used to make me feel physically sick.
I suggest you have it out with him and tell him exactly how you feel. You cannot go on letting this ruin your life. You don't deserve this. If you love him, then you have to find a way to learn to forgive him, but not forget. Make it known that if he ever pulled a stunt like that again he would lose you. I hope you manage to sort this out cos it's a horrible place to be in. X

[HopelessWorrier2011]

Hi Pepperpot, it's really reassuring to know I'm not alone. I have had many episodes of having it out with him and I genuinely believe he thinks I need to let it go then blames my hormones or anxiety on my meltdown. It's so frustrating when you know deep down the root cause of it but they refuse to ignore it and blame other aspects of your life. I feel like a frustrTed child who hasn't learnt to speak yet. I'm sorry you had to go through that too as I know how damaging it can be to ones health and the pain it causes. We still see the couple as its his "friend". The wife doesn't even know I'm aware and the husband knows nothing about it. He's away with work at the minute and it's only tonight she turned up at my house with her three young children for a catch up, without telling her why I'm unable to turn her away and I'm no good with confrontation and she didn't even know I was seeing him at the time. It's such a mess and eats me up inside x

[SADnomore]

Without even looking at the dysfunction of your lifestyle right now, I have to say that at the very least I think you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Your trust was broken in the space of your core beliefs and faith in the safety of a love relationship. Twice in quick succession. Whether you realize it or not, it was then that you stopped trusting ... your. self. How could you continue to, since you failed so badly to protect yourself in the first place. By not seeing your husband's overarching abusive nature, and by not getting out when the abuse started. No judgement from me, I've been there too. Your partner now has a problem with commitment. You still don't trust him (and, sorry, but you shouldn't). Some day, there will be some other woman or some other reason for him to imagine that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

You probably hate me, but this is really complex and you need to heal your self before you can truly enjoy your life. Yours is a case where medication will never be enough. You sound very depressed as well as anxious. You deserve better, you really do. xx
Marie

[Pepperpot]

Hi Pepperpot, it's really reassuring to know I'm not alone. I have had many episodes of having it out with him and I genuinely believe he thinks I need to let it go then blames my hormones or anxiety on my meltdown. It's so frustrating when you know deep down the root cause of it but they refuse to ignore it and blame other aspects of your life. I feel like a frustrTed child who hasn't learnt to speak yet. I'm sorry you had to go through that too as I know how damaging it can be to ones health and the pain it causes. We still see the couple as its his "friend". The wife doesn't even know I'm aware and the husband knows nothing about it. He's away with work at the minute and it's only tonight she turned up at my house with her three young children for a catch up, without telling her why I'm unable to turn her away and I'm no good with confrontation and she didn't even know I was seeing him at the time. It's such a mess and eats me up inside x

I am angry for you! I cannot believe this woman has the nerve!

I really think you can do a hell of a lot better. Do you want to look back on your life and remember the days you felt ill, and unable to enjoy time with your girls, cos your partner cant keep his willy in his pants?? Sorry to put it like that, but that's what it is.
This man does not deserve you. x

[HopelessWorrier2011]

Without even looking at the dysfunction of your lifestyle right now, I have to say that at the very least I think you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Your trust was broken in the space of your core beliefs and faith in the safety of a love relationship. Twice in quick succession. Whether you realize it or not, it was then that you stopped trusting ... your. self. How could you continue to, since you failed so badly to protect yourself in the first place. By not seeing your husband's overarching abusive nature, and by not getting out when the abuse started. No judgement from me, I've been there too. Your partner now has a problem with commitment. You still don't trust him (and, sorry, but you shouldn't). Some day, there will be some other woman or some other reason for him to imagine that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

You probably hate me, but this is really complex and you need to heal your self before you can truly enjoy your life. Yours is a case where medication will never be enough. You sound very depressed as well as anxious. You deserve better, you really do. xx
Marie


I don't hate you at all as everything you have said above is 100% correct. Medication has proved unsuccessful I know my cure has to come from deep within, it's a vicious circle as I need to find that strength to do it and I don't think I have it anymore. I'm a firm believer I life is what you make it, and I definitely feel at the minute I have a fight on my hands. I am really grateful for your wise words x

---------- Post added at 10:06 ---------- Previous post was at 10:02 ----------

[QUOTE=Pepperpot;1504355]I am angry for you! I cannot believe this woman has the nerve!

I really think you can do a hell of a lot better. Do you want to look back on your life and remember the days you felt ill, and unable to enjoy time with your girls, cos your partner cant keep his willy in his pants?? Sorry to put it like that, but that's what it is.
This man does not deserve you. x[/QUOTE

The situation has made me feel trapped which frustrates me as even when (not if) I do leave I can't ever tell anybody the truth as I will be responsible for breaking up a marriage, I have to keep this secret forever and I resent that and I think that is what is eating me up inside. Counselling isnt working as talking about it works very well but as soon as I complete my therapy the feelings come flooding back and I can't control them x

[Pepperpot]

It is a shit situation to be in. However, you saying "when" you leave suggests you are really unhappy - life is too short - get out while you can x

[Fishmanpa]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I wanted share an experience as I can relate to what you're feeling.

When I divorced my 1st wife, I inevitably fell in the the cursed "rebound" relationship with a woman who was recently divorced as well. Long story short, she cheated on me and it tore me up.

In retrospect, I was naive, fell fast and hard and just didn't see all the red flags or ignored them. The bottom line is it caused many of the same feelings you're experiencing. It took a long time to get my head straight after that.

What I did that was a HUGE positive was to be on my own, get my head straight, learn who I was as a person, build my self confidence and become the person I needed to be not only for myself but for my children, family and friends.

While I dated the next ten years, I was not involved in a serious relationship until I met my current wife. Again, in retrospect, being on my own after that disastrous and traumatic experience really help me to heal, grow and become a better person. My 2nd wife went through a similar experience and it's made our marriage the most wonderful, loving and "easiest" relationship I've even been in.

I know it's not easy when you have the dynamics of children and other factors but what the others are saying as well as myself is that it sounds like your personal situation is a huge catalyst in your anxiety and doing something about that will in turn be a positive in many other ways.

Positive thoughts

[HopelessWorrier2011]

Thank you all so much for your responses it really means a lot. Fishmanpa I really feel for you as I know how much it tears you up. I always thought I would never be "one of those women" I say that with the niavity I expressed back when I was a young girl who thought life would be perfect, that was until I grew up. It turned out that I've managed to place myself in every impossible situation imaginable. If I just scratch the first layer of the surface I know what is causing my anxieties to spiral out of control and it is my current lifestyle. If I could give my younger self some fool proof advice it would be to run when your instincts tell you to, to follow your mind and not your heart as it will indeed be your mind that suffers in the long run. I'm running out of options to heal myself and I believe being on my own is the best medication I can give myself, it's building my strength, my self worth and self esteem back up to be brave enough to jump ship and have confidence in myself that I can live a full life away from the drama and the hurt x

[Fishmanpa]

There's something that I've learned that applies here.

People here always contemplate the "What Ifs" but in a different way than what I'm about to propose.

I've found that the things we regret the most are not the things we've done but the things we don't do. The "What Ifs" we regret the most are the chances we never took. The last thing you want is to be in your last moments wondering "What If?"... To have stood on the edge and never jumped in for fear

The thing is, for most of us who have lived a few decades, we've learned how to swim. The water may be over our heads if we dive in but the worst that can happen is we get wet. Being that we know how to swim, we can easily get back on dry land and we all have warm comfy towels in the linen closet ;)

Don;t allow fear to dictate your life. That goes for the irrational fears of anxiety disorder to a job or a relationship or that car you've always wanted.

Today I lost a very dear friend. He died suddenly without warning. I'm gutted. I take solace in that this man "lived". He had a wonderful life and did things that brought his heart joy and heart touched many, many people, including mine. Life is fleeting. Read the quote in my signature. He and I often discussed this. Take it to heart. Do the things that bring your heart joy. The rest doesn't matter.

Positive thoughts

[HopelessWorrier2011]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I wanted share an experience as I can relate to what you're feeling.

When I divorced my 1st wife, I inevitably fell in the the cursed "rebound" relationship with a woman who was recently divorced as well. Long story short, she cheated on me and it tore me up.

In retrospect, I was naive, fell fast and hard and just didn't see all the red flags or ignored them. The bottom line is it caused many of the same feelings you're experiencing. It took a long time to get my head straight after that.

What I did that was a HUGE positive was to be on my own, get my head straight, learn who I was as a person, build my self confidence and become the person I needed to be not only for myself but for my children, family and friends.

While I dated the next ten years, I was not involved in a serious relationship until I met my current wife. Again, in retrospect, being on my own after that disastrous and traumatic experience really help me to heal, grow and become a better person. My 2nd wife went through a similar experience and it's made our marriage the most wonderful, loving and "easiest" relationship I've even been in.

I know it's not easy when you have the dynamics of children and other factors but what the others are saying as well as myself is that it sounds like your personal situation is a huge catalyst in your anxiety and doing something about that will in turn be a positive in many other ways.

Positive thoughts


There's something that I've learned that applies here.

People here always contemplate the "What Ifs" but in a different way than what I'm about to propose.

I've found that the things we regret the most are not the things we've done but the things we don't do. The "What Ifs" we regret the most are the chances we never took. The last thing you want is to be in your last moments wondering "What If?"... To have stood on the edge and never jumped in for fear

The thing is, for most of us who have lived a few decades, we've learned how to swim. The water may be over our heads if we dive in but the worst that can happen is we get wet. Being that we know how to swim, we can easily get back on dry land and we all have warm comfy towels in the linen closet ;)

Don;t allow fear to dictate your life. That goes for the irrational fears of anxiety disorder to a job or a relationship or that car you've always wanted.

Today I lost a very dear friend. He died suddenly without warning. I'm gutted. I take solace in that this man "lived". He had a wonderful life and did things that brought his heart joy and heart touched many, many people, including mine. Life is fleeting. Read the quote in my signature. He and I often discussed this. Take it to heart. Do the things that bring your heart joy. The rest doesn't matter.

Positive thoughts

I truly am sorry for your tragic loss, my heart goes out to you. Your advice is spot on!! I know what I need and must do to right these wrongs and take control of this deliberating anxiety that is ruling and exhausting my life x