AnnieLu
22-02-07, 13:50
I'm currently alternating between crying my eyes out and feeling completely numb, and at the same time trying to find some reason in the ending of my relationship.
Bit of background, I'm 23, she's 21 and this was the first 'proper' relationship for both of us.
Anyway, one of the things she cited as a reason was the distance. We live about 3 hours away from each other and with neither of us working (her due to college, me to due to anxiety) visiting each other is difficult. What makes it harder, is we lived together for 10 months last year and spent 24/7 together, so this new distance is that bit harder. I moved back home in October, and up until New Year we spent a lot of time together, every 2 weeks in Oct, I spent the whole of Nov at hers, and every 2 weeks in Dec including her spending the week between Christmas and New Year at my hour. That was, incidentally, one of our best weeks ever. I digress...I haven't been up to visiting her as much this year due to my anxiety taking a stronger grip. And she says she needs to see more of me, that we can't have a relationship online. I tried explaining that things will change when I get a job. I know from past experience that once I get a job, my confidence rockets and my anxiety significantly lessens. She knows this too, since she was with me the last time and saw the change in me. She says however, that it's just too hard at the moment and she can't cope.
There are things I do that she can't cope with. Apparently I ask too many questions, and make her feel bad for having a life. I don't intentionally do these things at all. Initially it was hard hearing of her socialising without me, after spending so long in each others pockets I thought this was inevitable. But I have got a lot better regarding this and she has seen many friends and family lately. If she feels bad about it, I'm not sure what I can do to stop that.
The asking questions thing is a tough one. I ask something, perhaps who was on the phone if she says "brb phone" during an MSN conversation, and she gets touchy and thinks I'm needing to know every single detail of her life. She answers vaguely, or not at all, which makes me even more paranoid that she's hiding something. It's a vicious circle, and not one that I can get out on my own. I suggested we both cut each other a little slack while times were tough, but she wouldn't agree as she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.
In hindsight I can see that my anxiety did put pressures on her. I didn't realise that at the time. Sure, when we were living together it was a big issue because she was my only support and it was hard for her. I know that, and it was something I had to work at on a daily basis. However, with us living so far apart and not seeing each other much I didn't realise how much it affected her.
We agreed to make it a break, so nothing final and last night we were talking quite amiably like we used to...until I noticed while she was talking to me, she was exchanging happy, chatty, jokey myspace comments with a friend (her sisters fiances friend, who she knows a bit and last saw sunday...the day before we broke up!) I felt hurt that she could be so happy while she was breaking my heart so I told her. She said she wasn't, she was just pretending things were ok. Which led to my overanalysing mind to thinking if she can pretend thigs are ok with him, what's stopping her pretending she's upset to me? OMFG I hate how I overanalyse EVERYTHING!!! Some of the messages were quite flirty, so in my mind I've built this up to be a whole new budding relationship that she couldn't wait to get me out of the way for.
I know, somewhere deep down, that this is completely irrational and to most people I am probably being stupid, but it's that 1% chance that I'm right that kills me. That 1% doubt feeds off my anxiety and paranoia and gets control of my every breath. And the more time I think about it, the worse it becomes to the point where I am even considering logging into her myspace account/email to see exactly what's been going on. I'm going mad!
Has anyone had similar experiences? I have a drs appointment tomorrow so hopefully he'll be able to help - can anti-anxiety meds help paranoia!?
Bit of background, I'm 23, she's 21 and this was the first 'proper' relationship for both of us.
Anyway, one of the things she cited as a reason was the distance. We live about 3 hours away from each other and with neither of us working (her due to college, me to due to anxiety) visiting each other is difficult. What makes it harder, is we lived together for 10 months last year and spent 24/7 together, so this new distance is that bit harder. I moved back home in October, and up until New Year we spent a lot of time together, every 2 weeks in Oct, I spent the whole of Nov at hers, and every 2 weeks in Dec including her spending the week between Christmas and New Year at my hour. That was, incidentally, one of our best weeks ever. I digress...I haven't been up to visiting her as much this year due to my anxiety taking a stronger grip. And she says she needs to see more of me, that we can't have a relationship online. I tried explaining that things will change when I get a job. I know from past experience that once I get a job, my confidence rockets and my anxiety significantly lessens. She knows this too, since she was with me the last time and saw the change in me. She says however, that it's just too hard at the moment and she can't cope.
There are things I do that she can't cope with. Apparently I ask too many questions, and make her feel bad for having a life. I don't intentionally do these things at all. Initially it was hard hearing of her socialising without me, after spending so long in each others pockets I thought this was inevitable. But I have got a lot better regarding this and she has seen many friends and family lately. If she feels bad about it, I'm not sure what I can do to stop that.
The asking questions thing is a tough one. I ask something, perhaps who was on the phone if she says "brb phone" during an MSN conversation, and she gets touchy and thinks I'm needing to know every single detail of her life. She answers vaguely, or not at all, which makes me even more paranoid that she's hiding something. It's a vicious circle, and not one that I can get out on my own. I suggested we both cut each other a little slack while times were tough, but she wouldn't agree as she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.
In hindsight I can see that my anxiety did put pressures on her. I didn't realise that at the time. Sure, when we were living together it was a big issue because she was my only support and it was hard for her. I know that, and it was something I had to work at on a daily basis. However, with us living so far apart and not seeing each other much I didn't realise how much it affected her.
We agreed to make it a break, so nothing final and last night we were talking quite amiably like we used to...until I noticed while she was talking to me, she was exchanging happy, chatty, jokey myspace comments with a friend (her sisters fiances friend, who she knows a bit and last saw sunday...the day before we broke up!) I felt hurt that she could be so happy while she was breaking my heart so I told her. She said she wasn't, she was just pretending things were ok. Which led to my overanalysing mind to thinking if she can pretend thigs are ok with him, what's stopping her pretending she's upset to me? OMFG I hate how I overanalyse EVERYTHING!!! Some of the messages were quite flirty, so in my mind I've built this up to be a whole new budding relationship that she couldn't wait to get me out of the way for.
I know, somewhere deep down, that this is completely irrational and to most people I am probably being stupid, but it's that 1% chance that I'm right that kills me. That 1% doubt feeds off my anxiety and paranoia and gets control of my every breath. And the more time I think about it, the worse it becomes to the point where I am even considering logging into her myspace account/email to see exactly what's been going on. I'm going mad!
Has anyone had similar experiences? I have a drs appointment tomorrow so hopefully he'll be able to help - can anti-anxiety meds help paranoia!?