Cancer...

[PrincessPanic89]

Hi all,

I suffer with health anxiety and hypochondria and have done for a long time. It started out I think as emetophobia which I developed at a very young age. I fear vomit, vomiting, other people vomiting or saying they feel sick, doing anything that might make me vomit such as drinking too much, eating chicken unless it's over cooked, not going on fairground rides etc and if I feel sick I get very panicky and don't leave my house unless absolutely necessary. However this has escalated into full blown health anxiety.

Although I obsess over my general health (every headache is a brain tumour, every chest pain is a heart attack etc) my main "thing" is cancer. I am petrified of it. I am convinced I will get it if I don't have it already. Every time I see a news story about a certain type of cancer, I google it and then check any symptoms I have alongside the symptoms of that particular cancer. I have started to plan in my head what will happen to my daughter when I die as I fully believe it will be soon. I picture myself lying in a bed, frail and dying. My grandad died of cancer. He was fit and healthy and one day he felt a bit unwell so went to the dr and found out he had cancer absolutely everywhere, lungs, liver, lymph nodes, stomach, anywhere you can think of, and he died two weeks later. I don't know if this was a trigger or if it was when my daughter was born.

I recently had some pre-cancerous moles removed which have only reaffirmed my belief that I will get cancer soon.

I was told that I have a pretty serious hypochondria issue by a mental health nurse and I should try cbt but I'm not very open minded about therapies like that and apparently it won't work unless you're fully open minded. I don't know what to do. I feel crazy and I don't talk to my friends or family about my fears because they wouldn't understand. It's hard to explain but there is not a single doubt in my mind that I WILL get cancer, I will get it young and I will die from it. I can't even try and get my mind to convince me otherwise because to me, thoughts of "statistically, you probably won't get cancer" or suchlike feel stupid to me. Anybody can get cancer, why not me?

I hate feeling this way, always worrying about when I'm going to die. The day I go into the doctors and they tell me "you have cancer" and telling me it's terminal and I have a few months left. It takes over my life, I obsess so much over it. Anybody else have a cancer specific anxiety?

[cattia]

I'm the same. I have had a few different fixations over the years but in recent years it's settled on cancer for me too. I have three children and also play out in my mind what it would be like to lie there dying and know I'm not going to see then grow up. Like you, I feel it is a case of when not if, and often feel that I must already have cancer somewhere in my body. I try to reassure myself but it seems that cancer is wvegwhere. I'm sorry to hear about your granddad. I'm sure that must have been a trigger for your anxiety. For me, having children has definitely compounded my anxiety as I feel an enormous sense of responsibility to stay alive to take care of them an the fear of not being around to see them grow up is the worst thing for me.
I wouldn't rule out some sort of counselling. Cbt isn't the only approach and there may be others that will work for you better. Also cbt is about trying to change the way you think, so the fact that you feel your thinking isn't that flexible at the moment isn't surprising, it's all part of the condition. I'm always around to chat, feel free to PM me.

[PrincessPanic89]

Thank you for your reply :) I feel exactly the same as you in regards to your kids. I'm so worried about missing my daughter grow up. I honestly don't believe I will be around much longer. Like you, I physically feel like there is already cancer somewhere in my body and it's just a matter of time. It's emotionally exhausting. I worry that counselling won't work :( plus I think deep down I don't believe I have a problem because I'm so convinced that I really do have cancer, if that makes sense?

[Zestyz]

I feel like this too. It's so consuming. I think I have a brain tumor because of the headaches I get daily, breast cancer, lung cancer, the list is endless!
I tried CBT but it wasn't for me.
The only place I can truly open up about my fears is on here, which helps, as I realise there are many others here who are in the same situation.

[PrincessPanic89]

I think that I would feel better talking with people who have the same problems rather than someone who is paid to try and empathise with me but doesn't really understand what I'm going through. Sometimes just hearing that people feel the same way makes me feel a bit better. As horrible and consuming as this anxiety is, it's worse that I feel so alone in it too.

My latest is thinking that the dermatologists have been wrong and more of my moles are bad but are far more advanced than the ones I've had removed and the cancer has already gotten into my lymph nodes because I know that once cancer spreads there, it's pretty much the end game. Cancer is one of those things you can't escape from which doesn't help. If it's not in a film or tv programme, it's in the news or the papers (usually some fit and healthy 20-something suddenly getting ovarian cancer or something and dying leaving behind young children) or it's on adverts. It takes over my life mentally, emotionally and physically :(

[Masonn]

I'm the same. The whole 'oh it's unlikely' thing doesn't reassure me whatsoever. EVERYONE thinks that and it has to happen to SOMEONE, so why not me? I'm only 17, and even doctors have thrown off weird moles I've been worried back just by telling me to 'think about my age'. So I don't really have any children I'm scared about leaving behind, moreso, I'm scared I won't even grow old enough to have children.

[Kilimanjaro]

I feel the same as you all. Fear of cancer consumes my entire life and like you all I have young children and like you all imagine lying in a bed knowing I won't see my beautiful babies grow up. I am starting to cry just typing this.
I don't want to be like this anymore but nothing works... CBT, Anti-D's...
And my symptoms at the moment are very real, almost constant lower back pain unrelieved by paracetomol, bloating, prominent lymph nodes.. I've held off over Christmas trying to get by and trying to make it a good one as always think it could be my last but on New Year's Eve it all came flooding back.. Last year I was pregnant with my gorgeous son and looking forward to meeting him this year I am just full of fear.. Nobody really understands which is why I come on here looking for reassurance and understanding..
I can't stop crying now. I am close to a complete breakdown... I nee to go back to Docs but part of me is too terrified, too embarrassed and just plain fed up...
I wish somebody could tell me I am going to be ok and I will see my babies grow up but nobody can.. I do not know what to do.

[AdamE]

I've been the same way. Just today I went to urgent care because I couldn't eat. I was so caught up on cancer when I saw little red dots on my arms and a little on my chest, extreme fatigue, heavy headedness, the list goes on. So I went in today instead of waiting until my scheduled appointment to talk to someone. We redid all of my blood tests to reassure me that I'm alright. My blood counts were perfect. My Neutrophils was a tad high and my Lymphocytes were a tad low. He told me if it's like that but my white blood count is on the money it's typically due to stress. So I took a look at my past test results and bingo, those levels have been like that for years. Once I got at least that bit of news I know I don't have cancer once again. I was actually able to eat. I was losing a ton of weight.

The one thing I do a lot now is go for a walk. If you don't do this now you should. At least it helps me. I get out into the fresh air and my symptoms mostly vanish. If you're not comfortable in doing that do it at night. That's when I go the most. Lets you kind of think you're out there by yourself. Gives you more room to relax. Don't have to worry if you're going to pass up people on the sidewalk (if you also have social anxiety like me).

I also just bought one of those sun lamps for when I'm cooped up inside the house on my days off. My Vitamin D deficiency is tanked. Maybe get that checked too along with Vitamin B12, K, Magnesium, Iron (which I believe ferritin goes with Iron tests). Those can be causing you all sorts of issues without you even knowing it. Most doctors don't check those UNLESS you request them.

[cattia]

My Dr has ordered blood tests for me but I'm too scared to go as I'm terrified of getting the diagnosis that I am so afraid of. I know that this makes no sense. I have been feeling unwell this last week and I have convinced myself it's lymphoma. I also am having loads of fatigue and light handedness. I have bad sinus issues to. it the Dr said I don't have an infection. I just wish I knew I would be ok. I was also pregnant last year and full of hope but now I just feel full of fear again.

[Beckie4567]

I'm exactly the same its horrible living day to day with this fear not being able to enjoy your life�� looking bk and thinking I wasted years of my life worrying.ive tryed cbt but I havnt had relief from it x

[Cbear83]

This is also a very real worry of mine. I have convinced myself over the years I am the "odd one" that will get it and it terrifies me to think I will not be around.
At the moment it is absetos concerns, before that breast, cervical, skin, brain you name it I have been convinced I have it.

It is very draining and upsetting and am in a real bad place right now with it.
I am away at family at the moment for new year do cannot access my GP for help.
When people say odds are low it does not help as I think I will be that one rare person that will get it in the 10 years not 30/40.
Have no idea how to move on from this one :(

---------- Post added at 22:03 ---------- Previous post was at 22:02 ----------

A week before Christmas I was fine and so looking forward to it, then 2 days before my worry just started and consumed me and ruined it all :(

[Tgem]

Ive joine this forum tonight as I've finally admitted my health fears to my partner. I have a swollen lymph node behind my ear. I had a bad allergic reaction a few weeks ago and the steroids I had to take lowered my immunity and I got flu straight after. Ive basically been run down ever since. My sensible brain says the lymph nod is swollen because im so run down but the mad anxious brain overtakes and im convinced its cancer and im going to die. My health anxiety came about from a terrible pregnancy followed by emcs and sepsis that left me very very ill in intensive care. I recovered physically but my mind has not. I think im going to die everyday. Every symptom must be cancer, or aids or some other damn thing. I cant sleep, I dont want to talk to anyone but I put on a mask and go to work and care for my family. I know the anxiety is keeping me ill, but its a vicious circle. Counselling didnt help, I say all the right things, then leave thinking what a waste of everyones time it was. Nobody knows the extent I torture myself in my head but I cantstop it. I love my child and my husband. I am terrified of leaving them. I dont know what else to say. Thank you for reading.

[PrincessPanic89]

It's so hard to live with. Being unable to enjoy things because you're thinking in the back of your mind that it might be the last time you do it. I completely agree that the people saying that it's rare etc just makes me think it's more likely to happen to me. It keeps me awake at night :( at the minute I have symptoms of ovarian cancer...

[Lauraallan86]

This is my number 1 fear it all started around 3 years ago one of my friends parents both died within 7 months of each other and I think that it was kick started my Health anxiety I've always suffered mildly but since then I've just gone into overdrive worrying about my health but particularly anything cancer related I can't watch and adverts to do with it any Health programmes nothing... I had a blood test s few weeks back and it's come back I'm slightly anemic and I've now convinced myself they are going to tell me I have some form of cancer or leukaemia it's ruined the whole of my Christmas....I know exactly how you feel x

[lindadiana]

reading all your posts,really brought a tear to my eyes,im 57 years old now and ive had six children all grown up now oldest 40 almost, youngest 16.wheni was youong I was always telling myself I will die before this birthday and the next and so on,every time I was expecting a baby I would worry I would die in childbirth or not long after,ive spent 40 years worrying all for nothing.and ruined my whole younger life,i know from experience it is not easy to do this,but enjoy your babies/children and try to think positive,you all have health anxiety as do I,also panic attacks I shouldn't wonder.talking about your fears always helps we all have them,even people who don't have any problems with anxiety have fears,its human.fear is the key word its what holds you,lose the fear.none of us can change whatever will be,so why ruin your lovely lives with what ifs,things that may not happen to you,it makes sense and I know its really hard to put into practice,but it can and does work,all the best to all who posted

[Tgem]

Thank you lindadiana, wise words. I am determined to beat this awful thing. One way or another. I know your words are true and on my good days I can think that way, but on a bad one....no way, im eaten up by the intrusive thoughts. Lack of sleep makes it all worse, so i need to work on that. Good luck to us all x

[honeybun44]

Yep, this is me. Other fears wander in and out, but the biggest is cancer.

Breast cancer is the biggest fear. Even more specifically, Inflammatory breast cancer.

A few weeks ago I felt like something was stinging me under my arm. It kept happening on and off. Now I have a rash there, in a weird, straight line. It's closer to my back than my front but I still worry about IBC.

I also have gone through all the mind torture of my three kids having to "watch" me go through it, etc. etc. These symptoms are a zillion times worse at the middle and end of the month (dang hormones). I recently started on effexor. I am not advocating or recommending for anyone else, but I have to tell you---I think it's starting to work. Anxiety still there, but deal-able. I'm not lying in bed all the time, without energy. It's better.

Anyway, you all are not alone, sounds like there are a lot of us.

PrincessPanic89: I know EXACTLY how you feel. But a few things. 1) Precancerous moles are crazy common and as far as I know, play absolutely NO prediction in any other kind of cancer. 2) Your words "I KNOW it's going to happen" are like textbook health anxiety. Honestly---give yourself a break. You don't have that kind of power to "KNOW" this. You DON'T know it's going to happen. There is no greater risk in it happening to you than anyone else. My grandfather also had cancer, so I guess there is about as much of a chance of it happening to me as it will to you---and about a zillion other people.

That being said, I have the same fears. When I saw that rash this morning, my first thought was breast cancer. My son has had eczema his whole life, and last week, his hands and feet exploded---EXPLODED---in blisters. Randomly. For no reason. No other signs of illness. He is on 30 days of steroids and had to have BLOODWORK!!!!! Tomorrow I get the results of that, and I'm a mess. I hate hate hate hate hate waiting for results, because where does my mind go? Cancer. But in reality, the blisters on his hand match a weird kind of eczema that I found on 'Doctor Google."

Anyway. Sorry to hijack the thread. No one else really gets it. I've been to counseling and as long as my brain chemicals are "working", I can apply the techniques. If I'm off balance, no amount of counseling helps me.

Oh--final thing. The dermatologist isn't wrong. They have WAY too much liability weighing on them to make that kind of mistake. :)

[PrincessPanic89]

It's like, I try and make myself believe that I'm fine and I do try and think about things like there is no possible way I can know for certain I will get it but my brain just overrides it. I felt okay about my moles and totally trusted the doctor until they told me that a mole they told me was fine actually wasn't. For someone so terrified of cancer, it's worries me a lot.

Same as you, I think about my daughter having to go through watching me die slowly from cancer. It's just horrible. I wish I didn't think this way. I hate how it rules my life :(

[cattia]

I am going for my blood test in the morning. I am shaking at the thought of it and have booked a Dr appointment for Friday as I can't deal with the anxiety of ringing in to get the results, but I figure that if I really do have cancer then being too scared to get the blood test to find out is really stupid. I had another episode of night sweats last night. I am breastfeeding my youngest child at the moment. I am thinking that in a few months when I stop I might try meds. I feel bad for you all but also it's reassuing to know that I'm not alone.

[lindadiana]

I hope you can all overcome ruining your lives with the what ifs,i think cancer is probably a fear amongs most of the human race,but I know how hard it is to lose that fear,you are brave,you are strong,panic attacks and anxiety sufferers are by no means weak people,we work hard not to be this way it is a struggle that people who don't have it just don't get im afraid,all the best to everyone

[Kilimanjaro]

I love your positive posts lindadiana and like most of the other people on here I can think that way some days but when the fear really takes hold that is it. Nothing helps... For a whole week now I have been bloated and have lower back pain plus those groin lymph nodes are ever present... I just keep thinking that I am riddled with cancer.. I am 40 in May and keep thinking I won't live even to see it...
I haven't had a period in nearly a year. My Doc says this is normal when breastfeeding but I can't accept it... I had a little light bleed that lasted about 4 days just after Christmas so worried that may also be a sinister sign... I'm going to go back to doc about this bloating but scared and also sick of going there too. Why can't I just have no worrying symptoms like I did years ago... I cannot sleep and I just feel wretched all the time..

[mifta]

Hi there, I haven't been on here for ages but having an 'episode' at the moment ( I have primary liver cancer despite 2 doctors examine me and informing me it is just a random pai ) and wanted to reply to your post. Cancer is my fear. I don't look for symptoms but if I have a pain or lump I google and diagnose my self with cancer. My HA started in my late teens following a legitimate referral for a breast pump which was benign. Since then, everything is cancer. I have had 2 courses of CBT, hypnotherapy and numerous antidepressants over the years. It consumes me and I have panic attacks. ******admin removal****** I have also decided that whilst trying to convince myself I haven't got cancer the way forward for me is to embrace cancer. Whilst the odds are still favourable to not get it, just, I need to accept it will be part of my life at some point and get on with it. Whilst I still have done anxiety, I have been able to continue working and using trains etc as I travel long distances for work, without having a panic attack and I have had none of the early morning weakening and subsequent panics. If you haven't looked at Charles linden I would suggest you have a read through what he does. I'm sure there are God and bad experiences of using his process and there is bound to be a few threads on here about him I'm sure. Take care