Gotten worse since starting to open up to therapist...

[asus15]

Bare with me im typing this during s anxiety attack

I started therapy about 2? months ago and since opening up about my big problem (seeing a dead body when i wa 8) I've gone down hill so much. I used to wake up every morning as a kid at 5am scared of health stuff and overall anxiety. I've not had this issue for years (unless i have a symptom).

Now it's like im going back to being a child again scared constantly. future telling illness (which makes me believe it is happening in the end, like now), images in my head including images of the time i saw the body and the run up to that point (my gramp being ill, drips, him being sick... etc), thinking about me dead or dying and in a coffin or stuff like that or what will happen to my body after... being SO frightened of death and not be able to accept it will happen instead i freak out becuase yes.. it will happen. even typing that then made me panic.

What is happening to me? Am i making matter worse? I think all these years i've done a good job of distracting myself and making it go away but now i've opened up I've opened it all back up again. I really need advice and help I can't really deal with this much longer. I've illegally purchased diazepam as a way to cope, i know this is stupid and not the answer but im so desperate and i have zero help apart from my therapist, 1 hour a week which doesn't help me right now.

My therapist did ask if i felt i was ready for therapy and if i wanted to continue.. i said yes becuase what are the other options? continue to suffer?

I'm so exhausted I've had severe anxiety non-stop since boxing day, I'm hardly eating, this shows no signs of ending. I also have zero coping mech's now as I usually distract with a tv show but this is actually not working much anymore just like it didn't when i was younger.

post any online resources which help (i find interaction helps.. chat, email, stuff like that especially if it involves a therapist or professional, althoguh this is rare, i know..)

Scared, need help, please help me, PM me, message here... anything.. I've never really asked this before but I need support please!!

[Carolin]

I definitely got worse when I first started therapy.

It's normal I think. When I started to get flash backs my therapist taught me how to go to a " safe place " in my head. It sounds silly, but if I can focus on the safe place it does help.

If it's any consolation, the more I talked about my traumatic experiences, the easier it got to accept them. My therapist has also taught me how to understand how it has affected my adult life, and explains how it has affected how I think and function.

Therapy is not easy, but if you can stick with it ,it does help. I needed diazapam to cope with the first few sessions ,so I understand completely how you are feeling .

[asus15]

I definitely got worse when I first started therapy.

It's normal I think. When I started to get flash backs my therapist taught me how to go to a " safe place " in my head. It sounds silly, but if I can focus on the safe place it does help.

If it's any consolation, the more I talked about my traumatic experiences, the easier it got to accept them. My therapist has also taught me how to understand how it has affected my adult life, and explains how it has affected how I think and function.

Therapy is not easy, but if you can stick with it ,it does help. I needed diazapam to cope with the first few sessions ,so I understand completely how you are feeling .

Thanks for your reply, ironically my therapist is doing the exact same thing with me at the moment she said we need to learn that technique before we can go into the deeper therapy.

I have trouble doing this though I have trouble picturing my "safe place" as I freak out when i close my eyes or sit there feeling like im being watched. but if i do manage it i get dizzy like the room is spinning so i can't keep it up.

It's really annoying and frustrating. My ultimate worry is ending up like i was as a kid again, is this possible? or am i just having a tough time because I'm going over it? I actually forgot how bad it was as I've got so good at distracting myself from 14/15 onwards I knew how to distract myself and got really good at it. This isn't working as well now though and it is extremely scary! Add that to the images i get in my head and its one big mess and very scary and unpleasant. :weep:

[Carolin]

I think it is because it is so raw and fresh.

I don't close my eyes when I go to my safe place. If I do it makes me dizzy and scared just like you. I focus on my knees and try and keep still.

We tried EMDR ,but I couldn't deal with that. Talking, and getting feedback from an expert was better for me. I have found it very useful to hear my therapist put a different perspective on how I see things from my past.

[asus15]

Interesting although i think i would struggle to visualise without closing my eyes.

We too are building up to EMDR, sounds like we have a similar background? I've tried it in a very very basic form and it does seem hard. The part i find the hardest is sitting close to my therapist. It's almost intrusive to me and I struggle and feel panic.

Needs must though, she moved her hand very fast once and i was like... christ with me feeling so anxious and you moving your hand that fast it's sooo hard to concentrate.

I tend to go like "a rabbit in the headlights" and i get sort of fixed vision when im anxious with her. trying to follow a hand when im like that is really hard.

[Carolin]

I think it was the closeness which got to me too. That and the sheer panic of following a fast finger while remembering horrific things.

It does work though. I have read good reports. I just felt I was too vulnerable for it to work without causing me major panic.

The talking is working for me. I am lucky to have a therapist I trust, and who knows how to deal with my emotions.

[Fishmanpa]

I believe it's pretty common to experience this in therapy. The severity, circumstances and triggers are the variables. After all, when we have an issue and go to therapy (one on one), we're looking to get to the root of the issue and deal with it and its often painful to peel back the layers getting there.

I recall in dealing with my depression following physical issues, getting to the root, which was for me accepting my physical vulnerability and the inadequate feelings it caused, was very difficult and I felt like crap for a couple of weeks while we worked on techniques to over come it. I can say I've done so quite successfully.

Can you give your therapist a call or email him? Did you talk about coping techniques and exercises to help?

Positive thoughts