Panic over fear of husband going off me

[Munki]

This is all very new and bizarre for me.

I'm in a good marriage and we're like best friends who do everything together. I suffer with anxiety anyway and at times it's heightened. That time is now.

i'm not going on our annual snowboard trip this year as I have finals with uni before I finish in May. I've told hubby to go anyway and he's reluctantly going with a friend (hopefully). He hates drinking these days and just loves going out there for the sport. We've never been apart for a week before and he's saying he doesn't know how he'll cope.

So all of a sudden I'm having these intrusive, nasty thoughts. 'How can he love me so much if he's going away without me? If he loved me that much he wouldn't go' 'Maybe he doesn't love me that much after all' 'Maybe he's planning on leaving me'...and so on. They are literally taking over my brain to the point that I'm almost starting to grieve a lost relationship.

I'm a strong person and hubby always says he'd be lost without me. But I've turned into paranoid android.

Please can someone get me off the ceiling here. Really in need of help. :wacko:

[mark84]

Hey Munki,
well first off I think it sounds like your husband does care about you a lot and that you shouldn't worry- I know that's easier said than done though.
What I would do is sit down and have a very honest and open chat with him, just to let him know your worries, i'm sure he'll understand and you can talk it through with him.
I think honesty is always the best policy.
Hope that's of some help, Mark

[Movielife]

I've been in this position (and I still am) with my long term partner of 8 years.


I have suffered severe anxiety leading to depressed mood over the past 4-5 months. I have been a difficult person to be with.


She is now fully aware of how bad things are for me, and is being very supportive, but I often think 'why are you with me, I am not the same person at the moment'.


I think it is all part of the anxiety...worrying about something else!


We are both probably worrying about nothing. :)

[beatroon]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! But if it helps, I can totally relate!

I think anxiety can attach itself to the things we hold most dear, and it doesn't discriminate, sadly. So, I would try saying to yourself that it is your anxiety playing tricks on you.

One thing my CBT has helped me with is reframing frightening thoughts - so, when you find yourself thinking 'Oh My God the relationship is over, how can he do this if he loves me', let yourself think it for a few moments, and then say to yourself 'I'm having the intrusive thought that the relationship is over', and then after a few more seconds say 'I've noticed I'm having the intrusive thought that the relationship is over.' The idea is to come to an accommodation with your anxious thoughts, recognising that they can't hurt you, and recognising that you need to take some distance from them in order to be able to live your life. Over time, hopefully these thoughts will seem less scary and you will feel less incapacitated.

I am also in a very close relationship where we rely a lot on each other, and when we're apart this can lead to insecurity and separation anxiety. On the one hand, when you're married it is quite usual to depend on the other person; on the other, you might want to address the disproportionate elements of worry you feel if you're separate. I would echo what other posters say: talk to your partner, don't let things fester away, but equally be clear that your anxiety is a factor in this, and make sure he knows that. You might benefit from some talking therapy to explore why you feel so anxious?

Hope this is helpful, have a good day today,

Beatroon

[Munki]

As always, priceless advice.

The worst thing about intrusive thoughts is that you never know if they're valid or not. Could it be real this time? Do I have genuine reason to feel this way? My hubby just wants to go and snowboard to the extent that he's looking at hostels to stay in with his friend. Yet I'm stressing at something that I told him to do because I couldn't go.

I just can't get out of my head the feeling that he wouldn't go if he'd miss me that much! Ah who knows, boys and their hobbies. He's done it every year since he was a kid so who am I to judge, eh.

I have talked to him briefly and he tells me he's the one who'll miss me and I'll be fine! Maybe so. I plan to do some girl stuff when he's gone which I never do. I just wish I could ditch these thoughts.

Thanks so much. Love you all. <3

[uru]

Why don't you just ask him?

I know it'll sound crazy but men don't mind that. :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Munki,

There is some classic ROCD in here. Do you suffer from OCD? I would encourage you to join us on that board because you will get some good advice from people who have or are going through it (no disrespect meant to anyone posting on here) and their are ROCD threads that could be relevant.

Talking to your husband about your worries is sensible BUT you will need to leave it at that. ROCD has compulsions most commonly based on reassurance-seeking and confession from what I have seen from people on here and other forums. Any compulsion is a reinforce of the OCD cycle. These need to be reduced and stopped or they just feed the disorder and keep signalling to the subconscious that the cycle has relevance.

It's very obvious just reading what you are saying that the opposite is true and you've recognised that you are having intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are described as "ego dystonic", the opposite of beliefs & character. If they weren't, you wouldn't react to them. Think about that and what it means. It means you do know he loves you and doesn't think what these thoughts are saying to you. Think of if another way. If you are in thwe supermarket and a thought pops into your head to "buy more milk", does it shock you? No. Why not? Because when your subconscious makes checks to the systems that guide it, you beliefs & schemas, it doesn't find a conflict because it's a perfectly reasonable thing to suggest. So, by suggesting all this about your husband, all these worrying possibilities, it clashes with those beliefs and bang you get an intrusive thought. Your subconscious has had the thought created, made the checks, found it doesn't match and so doesn't know what to do. It then says "ok, conscious mind, here is all the data - what do I do?". You react with panic/anxiety/negatives/negative emotion and it uses that to associate these bad things with those thoughts. The result is further anxiety and it becomes an anxiety theme that repeats.

Learning to observe thoughts (Mindfulness teaches this), accepting them as merely thoughts and that the content is not important, starves the required reaction and in time you see them go.

[beatroon]

I think what Terry has said is really valuable, and would echo his advice!