Giving into urges?

[.Poppy.]

I've posted about this before but I'll say again as background: I have a major problem with self esteem, stemming largely from my battle with acne. I'm on Accutane now which has helped (though I am terrified beyond belief that it will return once I go off the med) but I also have a decent amount of scarring - actual scars, not just red marks - that bothers me too.

I went through a period of about 5 months where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, so I didn't. Now, though, I can't stop the urge to!

In some light, my skin looks fine. In others, it looks horrendous. And everything in between. I constantly look at myself and wonder if it's okay; when I pass anything remotely reflective I have a major urge to look and see how bad I'm looking. Especially when it's a surface or a lighting I know will be bad - the urge is stronger then.

It feels a lot like HA and the urge to check symptoms and Google all over again, except I can't tell myself it's all in my head because obviously everyone else can see how bad my skin is for themselves. And I'm forced to deal with that slinking "this is the end" feeling every time I look in the mirror, like when I thought I had cancer or MS.

Clearly this cycle is never ending.

How do you fight this?

[Emma1027]

Sometimes we want to see ourselves a certain way and it frustrates us. Nobody is perfect- we all have flaws but it can eat us up since we have a certain way that we want to be and anything else is not good enough. What's more important then what others think about us is how we feel about ourselves. I really struggle with confidence and self esteem but I am getting more confident with how I look-I guess I am just accepting how I am. I've got my own style and I enjoy buying new stuff to update my look.

[uru]

http://freakonomics.com/2005/09/15/seth-roberts-on-acne-guest-blog-pt-iv/

[.Poppy.]

http://freakonomics.com/2005/09/15/seth-roberts-on-acne-guest-blog-pt-iv/

Thanks, that's interesting. There is a LOT of info out three on diet and acne, however every person claims something different: eat less dairy, eat more yogurt, more vitamin a, d, c, e, cut out gluten, etc etc. My diet could use a bit of improvement but on the whole isn't terrible: lots of veggies, no pop, minimal sugar and dairy, and I hate fast food so don't eat that either. Yet, the acne prevailed. Accutane has been the only thing to stop it (aside from Clinque facewash for a few months a few years ago) and I hope it sticks. I don't exaggerate when I say I have tried everything else - meds, topicals, light treatments, OTC products, all natural products.

[.Poppy.]

Sorry to double post but it's been kind of a rough day. I gave into the urge to take some pictures of myself outside so I could look at my scars and it wasn't terrible, but it's a cloudy day and sunlight typically makes them worse. I emailed them to myself and in the process found some I took in the office a month ago that are horrendous!

Got home and couldn't stop looking at myself in mirrors...all was fine until I turned the light on over the sink in my bathroom and started scrutinizing my face and my heart just sank.

I'm trying to drink a lot of water bit of course that means more bathroom trips and the opportunity to scrutinize even more.

I feel like this is a losing battle.

[.Poppy.]

Here are two pictures of what I'm dealing with, if you need to see how bad it is. :weep:

[uru]

I think it probably looks worse to you than to other people. To be honest I expected a lot worse after what you wrote.

I can't really offer any good advice except experimenting with your diet.
Have you tried this site? They're usually really good!
https://www.reddit.com/r/acne

[unfitwellhappy]

Hey Poppy - I sent you a message...

Genuinely and I really mean this - the pictures you posted are not bad at all!!

I know that might not help the way you feel though :(

[MyNameIsTerry]

Poppy,

I'm going to be another one saying they thought it was going to be worse than what you have shown us. :yesyes:

This is clearly a very big issue for you and what you see is not we are seeing. For a start, I was expecting a lot of redness and I can't see it. Remember that guy I told you about when I was at college? We would have been 18-19 at the time. His scars were much deeper than yours which gave an impression of greater breaks in his skin and he also had a lot of redness, the typical acne redness all over. Also, and this is going to sounds bad, he was not a good looking guy underneath it anyway. He was a very average guy (like me!) but you are an attractive young woman and whilst it shouldn't matter, it does help to take away focus from the scars you worry about.

Do you mind if I ask, have you put any make up on for those 2 photos?

The first is not horrendous! And you at least say the second is 'not terrible'. Actually the second looks just like a typical face to me, not what I was expecting at all. It can be seen a bit more in the first but like you say, lighting can play a part. You can't be both though, so are you sure you are not more the second than the first? For instance, the more you zoom into something and the more you change lighting, the more it can show things up that you typically just wouldn't see anyway. An old photographers trick for models is to pour water on their bodies to make them appear more toned. Take the water away and they don't look as toned. So, what if the true image is really the second one, the outdoor one? Would that be so bad?

[.Poppy.]

Thank you both, you are too kind.

I do wear just a thin coat of foundation. It's pretty light coverage. My face can actually get quite red but I'm hoping it will calm down.

The thing with the scars is that it totally depends on the lighting and the reflective surface what I end up seeing. Standing right under a light is terrible. Plain black reflective surfaces, like a phone screen or a car window are bad too. Others not so much. But even when I see a reflection or picture that's not too bad, I convince myself later that it is.

It's just very hard to get out of this cycle of thinking, it's a constant spiral. As is the fear that the medication will fail somehow and it will all come back. Right now I'm pretty good acne wise, aside from a handful of really really small spots, some of which can only be felt, not seen. I can be very happy with this, as long as the rest doesn't return (or only does so occasionally).

It's funny, I got the song "que sera sera" stuck in my head this morning randomly and found it a bit comforting. I know I need to move past all this, that I need to find a way to love myself no matter what, it's just easier said than done.

[unfitwellhappy]

If it helps - I look terrible standing right under a light too ;-)

You need to bring yourself back in to the present and away from 'what if?' thinking... right now you said you can be very happy with this, so keep that thought... if you get a 'what if?' thought then don't try to run from it, accept it's there and bring yourself back to the present...

You should read up on some mindfulness techniques :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Pictures can show up blemishes in anyone anyway and I wonder whether what you see in a photo is what the human eye would see in the same lighting conditions without the lens?

It's obviously still an issue to you even if that is the case but if the human eye can't see that on a day-to-day basis, perhaps that's something to help with your confidence?