Telling people about your condition..

[MargaretHale]

Well, I've had anxiety/panic attacks that led to Agoraphobia for 4 yrs now. Christmas was awful because I had a rotten cold in October and then flu a week before Christmas so I'm feeling very run down as it is.

My mum is in her late 70s and very 'old school' she doesn't express emotion very well at all. She rang to have a bit of a go at me that I wasn't around over Christmas, I ended up with pleurisy and was really poorly but she wouldn't listen.she was really horrible, I kept trying to tell her how ill I'd been but she wasn't interested. I burst into tears and as usual she said 'Oh come on! always the tears' which isn't fair as I'm not a big crier. She doesn't know much about my anxiety etc as I haven't told her but she said 'You need to pull yourself together, this has gone on too long now!'

If only it was that easy. She made me feel so worthless and stupid, I've tried to stay strong for so long, raised my lovely eldest son on my own (he's now doing well at uni) and I have a younger son who is great and a lovely partner.

I just feel so down, and judged and it's really set me back in terms of confidence.

Just had to vent.

x

[Carolin]

The worst thing someone can say is "pull yourself together ". Like you say , if it was that easy then mental health problems wouldn't exist.

My husband says " why do you always have to cry ?". Like I have any choice in my emotions and feelings of despair.

I'm sorry your Mum is so oblivious to your suffering, Genoire has posted a very good link entitled This is what mental health looks like. Perhaps you could show your Mum ?

From my experience, the only people who understand mental health problems properly, are those who have suffered themselves. This forum is very good at giving support and understanding . xx

[Sam Winter]

my mum used to tell me to pull it together but after getting diagnosed and paying close attention to what my mental health worker said and to how high i scored on the test shes realized it ain't that simple, i agree with carolin maybe try and show her that link or more info about it x

[Bill]

I feel there is also another more general aspect than just about people failing to understand how anxiety affects us and that is sometimes people only think about themselves.

For instance, your mother felt that you weren't around over Christmas. Regardless of the reasons, she would still take it out on you because of her own feelings and because she doesn't express emotion very well, she would be abrupt and tactless.

Regarding Carolin's husband questioning why do you always have to cry. If he thought about you and your distress, he would be offering to comfort you.

What I try to remind myself, is I am not to blame for their failings. I know I do my best, so it isn't my fault so there must be a reason that they are reacting as they are and that's often about their own feelings.

Remind yourself you do your best and you can do no more and if others can't see that or don't want to offer what you need when you feel distressed then it isn't you who should be feeling bad about themselves.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I feel there is also another more general aspect than just about people failing to understand how anxiety affects us and that is sometimes people only think about themselves.

For instance, your mother felt that you weren't around over Christmas. Regardless of the reasons, she would still take it out on you because of her own feelings and because she doesn't express emotion very well, she would be abrupt and tactless.

Regarding Carolin's husband questioning why do you always have to cry. If he thought about you and your distress, he would be offering to comfort you.

What I try to remind myself, is I am not to blame for their failings. I know I do my best, so it isn't my fault so there must be a reason that they are reacting as they are and that's often about their own feelings.

Remind yourself you do your best and you can do no more and if others can't see that or don't want to offer what you need when you feel distressed then it isn't you who should be feeling bad about themselves.

I agree, Bill. I think there an element of meeting in the middle too because when at our really bad stages we can be overreacting and struggling to be as rational as we could be. This improves in time though, that I have found for certain in myself.

Like you say, there are many factors involved in this including upbringing, societal views, education, experience (good or bad) and personality. If someone is a moron, you have a good chance they will just act true to type. If someone appears to be kind & compassionate then even if they don't react as best as they could, they will come around to it and likely feel bad for not reacting in the best way too.

Something I've seen asked before is whether anxiety & depression change you for the better, make you a better person. The answer is NO. They can, but that doesn't they will. I've come across incredibly nasty anxiety sufferers and ex sufferers, beating mental health disorders isn't the same educational & insightful journey it is for everyone. BUT I do find that this forum is virtually all to the good on that front and it's very rare to come across that type of person but I can say I know of places they can be found frequenting.

[MargaretHale]

Thanks all, she had to send me something in the post and I wondered if there would be an apology but there was just 'hope you're feeling better' which frankly, I'm not and I've been tearing myself to pieces..ach, I don't know. My partner said 'If you're going to recover you need to stop thinking that everything is your fault' and he's right.

Appreciate the answers folks and I've dug out the 'what mental health looks like' piece too. I think I'll send her it. The daft thing is, my mum worked with youngsters with learning disabilities in the 70s and 80s and she was awesome at her job.

:-/

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with tour partner, Margaret.

I big part of anxiety can be our perception of ourselves or how we think we are being perceived by others. At the charity walk-ins we would have a slot for a CBT module to discuss and this was in one of them. It is known as Cognitive Distortion. I learnt more from this than a lot of the rest I have read.

At her age they don't always want to change too. I hope she does listen to you, she needs to learn from science and how we know so much more than in her day.

Sometimes we feel pressure due to how we were brought up too. I wonder whether you feel any of that, the need to be a certain way or that you are being scrutinised hence why you think that you are always at fault?

[MargaretHale]

Hi Terry,

sorry I only just spotted your reply. Yes, very much so...when I was a child I was very outgoing and lively but there was always criticism. If I knocked a cup over it would be 'You're so clumsy..she's knocked something else over! Goodness we can't leave anything around' so I would try not to knock things over,and that in turn made me nervous and I'd knock something else over! I'm very critical of myself and I think that's very much a product of my upbringing. We were well off but it wasn't a 'happy' home. I was well cared for, but there was a lot of conflict between my parents and sisters (both much older) and I felt unloved. Ah well, I agree with Philip Larkin on parents! :D

Appreciate your reply very much.

MH x

[TalkTonight]

Hello Margaret

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult few months.

Family can be so insensitive. The problem is, by definition, if they have no immediate experience of mental illness they are speaking from a position of ignorance. I've stopped expecting my folks to empathise or to grant me any latitude if I'm particularly unwell.

I appreciate it's frustrating and upsetting. Some people just can't or won't understand. The key is to do what you need to get through in spite of them.

[uru]

I don't think someone who hasn't been through it can understand...