View Full Version : I cured my social anxiety or it cured me
I'm taking a so-called designer drug (I don't condone this) called flubromazepam, which is a cute analogue (this has the same meaning as pimping one's drive, but in this case pimping a prescription medication, in this case by (not simple) addition of a fluorine atom; they are benzodiazepines, both, or minor tranquilliser) of bromazepam. I'm taking prescription clonazepam, too, and together, I just want to talk to people. I mean I want to, I do, I chat, I make small talk, I tell jokes, and I enjoy this. This has shown me that people don't hate you and avoid you automatically because of some imagined or perceived fault you imagine you have. You believe they hate you and avoid you and so you don't talk to them and avoid them (behaviour). I take other prescription medications, but it's curious that my latest dally has had serious results. I can now proudly write on my CV/resume that "I enjoy meeting new people" AND I CAN MEAN IT now for the first time in my life. But please don't misinterpret this thread. This is NOT an advertisement for or an endorsement of flubromazepam (which the government will ban in months if not weeks anyway with their analogues legislation). I'm using it as an example as being provided with the truly priceless privilege of seeing the world as 'normal' outgoing and happy people approach the world and each other. EVERY SINGLE PERSON you pass by in the street or who works in your workplace has an 'issue' that troubles them. It could be cosmetic, it could be gambling, it could be OCD. No one is perfect and no one is 'normal'. That is the almost-terminal MISTAKE I made when I had social anxiety for many, many years. In general, people want to be friends. Let them be your friend. Don't shut them out. That's when your problems snowball. And Happy New Year!
I like that :)
Glad you've had some success.
I like that :)
Glad you've had some success.
Thanks.
Yup, I mean a designer drug was just my random window into reality and I didn't take it yesterday or today largely due to an appallingly high appetite (and weight) gain in the short time I experimented. The points are that (a) your window into reality doesn't have to be a designer drug or indeed any drug, it just happened to be mine, and (b) now I have used that to see reality from a 'normal' perspective, I no longer need to, nor intend to, take an more.
I don't need to tell people here how debilitating anxiety is or to boast (if it is possible to boast about a disability!) about how harshly it has crippled me or how long it has ruined my career, relationships or general prospects. It's like that old adage (or anecdote) where a researcher asks many people a question in a questionnaire and they ALL say (for IQ for example) that they are "above average"! Which is a complete logical and statistical impossibility! A contradiction and in violation of every natural law. I mention that only because I was going to claim that my social anxiety has been worse than average... then I thought better.
I was also unemployed for many years due to depression and anxiety (which is my chicken and egg problem as I don't know which caused which and which was the initial problem) and I want to stress here that being unemployed SERIOUSLY MAGNIFIED my poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness and these both fed my anxiety and depression. Finding employment again (being pushed by healthcare workers, my care coordinator, in my case) was like magic. I stand up straighter. I hold my head up (I don't mean I look down my nose at people) rather than looking at the ground and I make eye contact with people when we are talking as naturally as anything. With no effort involved.
It seems that my experience confirms that work is ESSENTIAL to a happy and contented existence. We all hear stories and anecdotes about people who retire after a lifetime of work (and not for medical reasons) and then die weeks or months later because their life has become purposeless and they are no longer needed or depended upon.
That's my piece today.
---------- Post added at 20:55 ---------- Previous post was at 20:47 ----------
BTW, I meant "pimping one's ride" not "drive" in my OP! I don't want people imagining a bling yellow-brick driveway with elaborate railings and statuettes...
I took delivery of a "DNR. DO NOT RESUSCITATE" silicone bracelet (wristband?) today and I'm going to start wearing it tomorrow. Tonight, I'm going to write a short note to keep in my wallet ('they' always look for a wallet first to identify the, um, person) addressed to whomever shall discover me in extremis (should that occasion occur, perchance). It'll be short and to the point. Read the damn wristband and stay the hell away from MY body. MY body = MY choice. PS: I noticed today when 'out and about' that they've put up anti-suicide barriers atop the tall building I was once admiring the view from, well, atop. The band is crap as the text has just been printed on, not embossed or branded or whatever the hell it is, so my plan is to die before the text rubs off. Or at least to try not to rub it (the wristband) too much.
I have had social anxiety and have always had the same little breakthroughs and desperately tried to control what influenced the good period, exactly the same as with your pill. So I can completely understand what you're saying.
All my life I've recorded those times in a diary or something. Just practice having that outlook you discovered. I think ultimately that's all I've done.
I think you're right about work being a good thing. You can't feel that sense of productivity, achievement and that everything is going to be ok unless that day you went out and achieved what you set out.
You can't enjoy leisure time if leisure time is all the time. Then there's the things we need from people which we usually find at work.
Maybe try and have some more successes. You don't need to be ultra social. Even just a couple of relationships in your life can make all the difference to your well being. Try not to listen too much to all the negative nonsense that ends up in our heads. Think up small ways to improve each day, be productive and get closer to what you need.
All my life I've recorded those times in a diary or something. Just practice having that outlook you discovered. I think ultimately that's all I've done.
I think you're right about work being a good thing. You can't feel that sense of productivity, achievement and that everything is going to be ok unless that day you went out and achieved what you set out.
You can't enjoy leisure time if leisure time is all the time. Then there's the things we need from people which we usually find at work.
Maybe try and have some more successes. You don't need to be ultra social. Even just a couple of relationships in your life can make all the difference to your well being. Try not to listen too much to all the negative nonsense that ends up in our heads. Think up small ways to improve each day, be productive and get closer to what you need.
I hear ya, buddy.
You're saying success is transient and we (at least the two of us) desperately try to remember all the things we did, took, experienced or whatever, leading up to the 'cure' so that we can do that thing again and be 'cured' again.
Sadly, the word 'again' is the most important one. As it's up and down.
But this time things are lasting.
WORK. Again, that's key. It's SELF-RESPECT. An unemployed person loses his or her self-respect and confidence because no one needs them, they're not contributing, no one will miss them if they're late for something because they have nothing to be late FOR. And btw, I'm not bashing people who are unemployed due to mental illnesses or disorders. I've been there. I've been there for years at a time.
I like your point about leisure time. I overlooked it. When 100% of your time is 'leisure', it's not fun. It's horrible, depressing, lonely and boring. When you've worked all week you SAVOUR and RELISH a weekend to do what the hell you like.
I don't want to pull this thread down to smut or innuendo, but I was in a shoe shop late this evening after work for longer than I realised as there was a really good sale, and this very attractive and very young woman (I'm a young man) approached me initially, I suppose as they're instructed to do to ask if she could be of assistance and I smiled and said I was just browsing.
I was distracted, thinking about other things the whole time.
I was attracted to her, since she was pretty, but thought nothing of it. Then I was still there a while later and she approached me again and said, "If you want anything, just come and find me". Anything! That word can't be in their training...
I think I'll go tomorrow at the same time...
:roflmao:
And bring some protection.
...
...
An umbrella, as it's supposed to rain tomorrow.
Excited this morning.
About going to work.
MASSIVE BREAKDOWN!!!
I didn't have 'like' a SINGLE minute of peace at work today. Look, I -- I -- have my own work to do that I have to do each day, but today there was a new intake of interns/volunteers/somethings that staggered in today (I don't mean staggered like they were drunk, I mean staggered like they didn't all arrive at the same time. Actually, one did stagger. But that's another story for another time.) Now I'm getting questions not just from visitors/clients, but from teenyboppers, too, one who clearly desired to 'know' me much better... that's another story too. In the end, I hid in the staff room for a while taking Klonopin... but couldn't do that all day obviously, so instead I had a 'quiet/personal' (I don't like making a scene) nervous breakdown and signed out sick/ill (my line manager knows about my issues), and I still haven't calmed down. Then on Monday there's a BIG meet-up I'm required to attend with about 100 other people. Tomorrow is my only hope of restoring my sanity and I can't get 'something' delivered that quickly. If only God existed I'm sure things would turn out just fine.
---------- Post added at 18:45 ---------- Previous post was at 18:39 ----------
Worst of all, we were very understaffed today for various reasons so I just crapped all over my colleagues who will hate me (even more) now...
It went crap. 4 mg Klonopin and 8 mg bromazepam didn't do a thing. There were only a dozen or so in the audience and FOUR speakers with the OHP and all that get-up. Early on the CEO (half?) quipped that we're all going to be doing some talking during this session so if we don't like that we might jut as well leave now... which was followed by nervous, forced giggles (or throat-clearing sounds?). So, we had to introduce ourselves to the person sitting next to us (it was worked out eventually) and tell them about our role in the organisation and what "value" we contribute. Then -- it gets worse -- we had to announce TO THE WHOLE ROOM OUT LOUD what the person we spoke to did and what value they contributed and some things about ourselves. I nearly died and I'm still checking my pulse to see if leaving the room with dignity intact was just a dream...
I've done all that stuff. I hated every second. Luckily it's not something you have to do often and its out the way now. Nice one. Well done.
I've done all that stuff. I hated every second. Luckily it's not something you have to do often and its out the way now. Nice one. Well done.
Thanks.
I have some computer software training on Friday, too, but that's just from my department so the numbers will be smaller and the surroundings familiar, and should be short. I will be in my comfort zone. The software is being updated or upgraded or something. I can do most things on it I need to do. Basically, everything I know about using the computers in the office came from colleagues in the office (who obviously aren't computer experts but they are experienced). That should be much less stressful as I'm comfortable using computers. And 99 times out of 100, if your computer goes balls-up or crashes, just switching it off, counting to 30 and then switching it on again solves the problem... Or kicking it.
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