Feel as though I have every mental illness going

[elik]

Looking into my illness, I fear that I have an element of psychosis. I begin to think thoughts that are irrational and to me, psychotic. I think this is teamed with OCD in the sense that I ruminate in a vicious circle and cannot break this cycle. I believe the trauma caused by such thoughts keeps the fear alive, feeling the anxiety. I lose touch with reality which makes my ridiculous thoughts seem more logical. I'm petrified of never gaining back that normal perception or ever feeling content in living my life like 'normal' people. If I try and reduce anxious thoughts it appears that I latch on to another one as if I don't have something to worry about its not 'right'. I know it's normal to have worry but mine are such harrowing, disturbing and fearful thought processes that it further detriments my own self worth and respect because the way I think makes my self hatred soar. I'm so scared. So scared of my future, whether this is it now, a future of relapses and fear and where life is just surviving. I wish I could understand why I have to be like this and why I can't rewire myself to think rationally. I am not suicidal but feel increasingly hopeless and feel I cannot do anything in life that I wish to so therefore what's the point. I don't even open up to anyone about it now as I feel people have had to deal with helping me enough that I can't further burden them. Terrified.

[Sam Winter]

i've been through exactly what you're going through, my illogical thoughts are always logical to me and i frequently get petrified of never gaining back that normal perception or ever feeling content in living my life like 'normal' people, whenever i used to try and reduce anxious thoughts i'd find another one, i'm always scared for the future and whether its "the end",
but forget all that stuff i want give you a spurt of positivity because thats all that matters,
i call myself someone with a phobia of death and pain, i'm always avoiding "dangerous" things and frequently avoiding new people just incase they're gonna kill me, i'm the biggest coward i know and my self-hatrid is through the roof so i'm the last person i'd expect to ever get better however,
since the christmas period something changed, i've been eating loads more, going out(i even went out by myself for the first time in my life),
rewiring your brain is doable,
i ain't saying i'm "cured" i had a bad night last night but you can't let that get you down, please note the same things don't work for everyone i've just discovered this helps me,
positivity and distraction is key for me, and doing the things you enjoy of course lol, rather than avoid things do them for a reason for instance i went out shopping the other day why? because i wanted to bake and i needed a cake mix, baking is something i'm passionate about so i didn't for one second think about the fact i was in a packed store because i was too busy seeing what i should buy and make,
i'll admit i treat myself like a child sometimes for instance,
another thing that helps me go shopping is i focus my time on setting goals, i'll buy something new to try, or focus on what i'm buying for dinner tonight,
i've also discovered something helpful, and thats the fact that i'm a dreamer,
theres loads of things i'd love to do so i spend my time doing them or working up to them,
i recently discovered i want to move to finland one day so i've been learning their language, holidays, culture, food culture, ect, i've been listening to finnish radio stations rather then my own and i'm putting money away overtime to afford my my ticket there,
these days i spend my time doing things i love, writing stories, chasing my dreams, helping otherd, which is why i'm frequently on here(i'll give you that my advice probably sucks but i try lol) i don't know i guess i had a wake up call, after watching these youtubers who do crazy stuff that could kill them i learned they have valid information and one thing in common, they just want to live, they asked a question which really spoke to me they said, when your time comes to an end are you gonna be happy with everything you've done?, my answer? of course not because i've let my anxiety become a a lifestyle rather then the thing it really is, something that can be improved, the funny thing is i found my dream to live in finland thanks to those guys, and i'll be damned i don't go and also thank them for everything they've done just because of my anxiety,
sure theres always gonna be bad days,
but my point is we have to ignore them and carry on with the good days, anxiety can't kill you physically, but it sure can paralyse you from doing the things you want to do and thats not fun at all,
do things your passionate about, beat your fears, distract yourself with fun things to do when you're feeling down,
i know this sounds impossible but what i'm trying to say is its possible, you don't have to not do things just because you're anxiety is saying its dangerous, because the other half of our brain hasn't spoken yet, and we all know something has to have a majority vote before you can know what to do, so let the other voice speak too, i see anxiety as a spoilt child that needs to be ignored every once in a while,
you are not limited to what you can do just because of anxiety, you can do anything you want as long as you believe in it,
(i know this is gonna be really long and most likely not helpful at all so i apologize in advanced) x
:bighug1:

[tay-che14]

I know how you feel, I'm so ready to give up now, feel fed up and worthless.

[Shazamataz]

There is always hope, there HAS to be! And places like this are great for when you feel you've overburdened your friends and family. It's not fun being ill and one can feel very alone if they can't talk about things.

I don't have what you are experiencing but I do have strange thoughts sometimes. I think everybody does. Remember they are just thoughts and not actions so they aren't visible and I expect you probably appear quite normal to other people.