Does the cycle ever end? [having a rough time]

[.Poppy.]

I had really bad health anxiety for a few years. It was absolutely awful. Then, slowly, I started to learn how to cope and not fixate and a few years ago I thought I had "beaten" it (though I still had/have anxiety). I was really proud of myself.

Now, as can be seen from some of my more recent posts, it has all come screaming back. I have no idea what to do, I feel so low, I just want to sleep all the time.

I think the medication I'm taking right now (Accutane) plays a part - I've been here before so it's not directly responsible but indirectly for sure. Frankly, it's exhausting.

I spend my days scrutinizing my face in different mirrors and under different light, just seeing how bad it is. I constantly wonder if I'm getting new spots or feel bumps on my face that I can't see but wonder if they "count" as new spots. Overall my acne is much, much better but between the scarring and the not knowing it's hard to tell/get excited about it. I'm also incredibly afraid that once I stop the med it will all just come back.

Additionally, I'm afraid of side effects. My joint pain is pretty much gone but now I'm worried about other things. I read stuff about people who experienced hair loss - I've not lost any hair and am actually shedding less than I normally do, but still I tell myself that it's thinner or that I'll just wake up one morning half bald. My scalp now feels hyper sensitive and almost like it's burning - which I know is anxiety but I can't believe it is. I'm also concerned that I'm developing new scars - everything I've read says that doesn't happen and I have so many it's impossible to tell if one is new or not anyway, yet I've completely convinced myself.

I feel incredibly vain to worry about this stuff to begin with but I've had such bad skin and such low self esteem for so long now I was hoping for a bit of a break. And now my HA is back. I'm experiencing it all: the major urge to spend hours scrutinizing my skin in the mirror or Goolging others experiences, that low sinking feeling when you find "proof" that your worst fears are confirmed, and just not wanting to do anything at all because what's the point.

I'm so tired of all of this, I have no idea how to make it right.

[Traceypo]

You made it right before, you can do it again. What worked before for you?
It's awful when it comes creeping back.
Xx

[.Poppy.]

Before I eventually realized that the things I feared were in my head...that I kept going in circles thinking I had some disease then moving on to a different one.

It seems harder now because I feel like I am afraid of something very real as opposed to a figment of my imagination.

[Traceypo]

I understand what you're saying hun, I've got myself stuck a bit in that rut and trying to climb back out, it's been slow and I've had a few set backs.
Have you tried cbt? Google is a bloody nightmare, there's days I wish the Internet had never been invented (I know that's selfish) but it caused me far more worry than comfort.
In your case, what's your evidence that your fears will come true?
Xx

[.Poppy.]

I guess I don't have any *concrete* evidence, there are just a lot of really awful stories out there concerning this medication that it's hard to ignore or pay any attention to the good experiences people have had.

That's then coupled with my constant looking at and feeling my face and wondering whether or not this spot is new acne or if it will become new acne or if it will all come roaring back with a vengeance once I stop the med making all of this for nothing (which according to the Internet has happened to some people)...I just am so afraid of all the things that can go wrong in this situation and it's exhausting.

[Traceypo]

I'm the same, it's hard trying to control catastrophic thinking.
Look how far you've come though, remember also people are more likely to post negative stories and not positive ones.
Xx

[KeeKee]

Ah poppy I too have low self esteem to the point where I can't stop looking at myself in mirrors. I also have acne and know how hard that is (although mine isn't so bad as to warrant Accutane). My skin feels sore, my makeup dries around my bad patches but my skins too bad to wear light foundation. I also have humongous under eye bags which severely get me down.
I've had health anxietyfor almost 3 years now but from around May this year until early/mid December I'd say my life was 'normal'. Then it come on again. So I don't know the answer to your question but I guess there's always light at the end of the tunnel, even if it comes back it will probably settle down eventually, at least for a little while. I still have constant symptoms of anxiety (pounding heart and shaking) even when I've had a good few weeks though. The school run and family get togethers are the worst I'm guessing I have some underlying worry in regards to those but not quite sure what the worry is

[.Poppy.]

Thank you. I've been meaning to reply to his thread but I have been feeling super down and my mind has been jumbled with anxiety. Still is, admittedly.

My fears are still there. I'm still afraid that the medicine will end up ineffective or that I will lose my hair - I haven't had any significant loss yet I have convinced myself my hair is "thinner". I'm also still scrutinizing myself.

I'd been doing a bit better - I've been watching videos of people who aren't considered "conventional" in society and yet these people own themselves and find confidence anyway. I've found it inspiring, and helpful. Hopefully it gets better.

However at dinner last night my mother brought up the subject. My old high school tennis coach has taken the medication (no idea why as she has perfectly fine skin) and has been providing "tips" and suggestions. It's hard for me to put into words exactly why it upset me - maybe the fact that she's been on it a couple of times makes me afraid it will come back just as I fear. My mom also asked me how soon after stopping I could go to the city for scar treatment, it will be awhile and there are just no guarantees. It made me feel like my mother sees my scars clearly when looking at me, so how could anyone else see anything different? I know she cares and is just trying to help, it's just hard.

I feel like I am worthless and on the cusp of failure, not only will I fail myself but my family as well.

I'm trying very hard to feel better about myself but I have a loooooog way to go and it's terrifying.