Unsure of my future

[SJM13]

Hi
I haven't been on this forum for a very long time and had hoped I wouldn't need to again.
I am a 50 yr old nurse and have had 3 episodes of depression and anxiety over the last 5 years. I have managed to recover from the last bout 2 yrs ago and had been pretty well so decided to come off Venlafaxine in the summer. Well At the end of November I became extremely anxious and couldn't get to work and consequently became depressed and filled with self loathing.
I had even off work 5 weeks and felt as if I could get back, managed to get into work Monday for 4 hrs and was due to go today. I have had panic attacks all morning and eventually my husband had to ring to say I was unable to work as I couldn't even get out the front door!!!
I feel such a failure, I have been working hard with my private psychotherapist and thought I could do it!
Not sure whether I have in me to do this anymore! Going to work on Monday made my stress levels rocket out of control. I feel I am unable to do my job safely. I have had breast cancer 11 yrs ago with chemo, radiotherapy and extensive surgery. Believe me that was a million times easier than what I am going through at the moment.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya SJM13 and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[uru]

Welcome!!!

[lior]

Oh darling. I'm so sorry to hear all this.

I know how that feels. I was off work.

What's it like, having a husband and going through this? When I'm in a bad way, I just want to be alone. I don't talk to other people about how badly I'm doing. I give my friends updates but there's nobody I see every day. Nobody would call in sick for me. Does it help to have someone there? Or does he get in the way? I wonder, if I ever do get married, how I'd react to having a husband/wife around on my bad days.

When stuff like today happens, remember that each moment is a stepping stone to the next moment. You can learn from every experience, and build as you go along. It's ok that you didn't manage to go to work. Forgive yourself.

Overall mood changes over time - weeks, months. And there's smaller cycles of day-to-day moods. And even smaller cycles of hour to hour moods. Maybe Monday was in a good part of the day-to-day cycle. Maybe today was in a less good part of the cycle. When your overall mood changes - the big picture, whether you're depressed or not kind of mood - the whole of your day-to-day cycle lifts into something better. Your worst days when you're not depressed look like pretty good days when you are depressed, right? That's how it feels to me.

Breast cancer runs in my family - both sides - so I expect to have it at some point. Thank you for saying that anxiety is worse. It makes me feel more confident that I will be able to handle breast cancer. I've survived being paralysingly anxious (I call it indecision paralysis - when I can't decide what to do so I don't get out of bed), being totally irrationally suicidal, and internal raging anxiety making me shake and panic near constantly for months.... Those experiences feel pretty awful. If breast cancer is easier by comparison, I will be able to handle it.

Thank god for citalopram and psychotherapy!