Frightened

[elik]

I can't recover out of sheer fear of relapse. I look at my future and I see a chaotic mess. It makes me want to curl in a ball. I am so scared of going back to that place that it's like I'm purposely pulling myself back. All these clouded judgements, intense fear, depersonalisation etc makes me feel like my whole past is just a blur of hell and I don't want my future to involve that. I feel like I'm doomed by this and when I start catastrophising i see my life and all the worst that could happen and it actually makes me want to stop living so I don't have to take the risk of moving forward

[benjanxious]

Don't let that cloud take over you, it's suffocating now but you'll breathe freely again soon.

[elik]

I know it will but I keep dipping in and out of the clarity so almost an stubborn to feel the release as no doubt I'll be back there again. I have had this up and Down for 12 years i am tortured by the thought of a future like this makes me want to give up before this gets any worse