Total melt down today...

[snowflake293]

Hi everyone

Not really sure if this post is in the right place but I am my wits end and I dont know what else to do. Had a full on melt down today and really just need to talk to someone about it :(

I have suffered with anxiety, depression and eating disorders for 15 years. Most recently my anxiety has been health anxiety-related, but luckily I am getting over that now. For the first time in a while I feel like I am getting back to normality, however I am planning a wedding and the stress of it all is setting me off big time :(

I'm getting married in 7 months time and today I went with my family today to buy my bridesmaid dresses and I had a total freak out. I ended up throwing up and having the go off by myself for a while. Afterwards I met up with just my Mom and I cried and cried and cried.

I feel so guilty cause there are folk out there far worse off than me but I can't sort my head out!!! The only thing that helps me is drinking. When I drink I feel normal again, or sort of fuzzy and like I don't care.

When I was in the city centre I felt panicky and sweaty. I cant cope with crowds of people and I feel like I am 'zoning out' like I am almost looking down on my body if that makes sense?

This isn't just wedding nerves. I feel like I can't function normally around people who I do not 'trust'. I feel like retreating from everything at the moment! I feel so irritated by people and even things like loud noises are setting me off panicking.

I have had a load of therapy over the last 18 months and I am on sertraline. I had my last appointment with the therapist last week and it went well, so I do feel I am getting better. My upcoming wedding is causing me to feel sick.

All I want to do is run away. I feel so alone. I feel massively paranoid about everything! The only way I can describe it is feeling like an elastic band that had stretched and stretched and has finally snapped.

I am overweight by about 2 stone and I'm a recovering binge eater/occasional purger. I am sensitive about my weight but I pretend not to care. I dont think I look especially bad, but I am just feeling all this pressure to be 'on a diet' cause thats what people do when they get married. I feel like total sh*t. To be honest, I dont even care about 'losing weight' I'd rather just get married in my pjs and not care about it! I can't escape this pressure though... I feel like I am suffocating.

Reading this back it all sounds like utter self-indulgent rubbish. I just feel panicky and lost and I dont know where else to turn. My other half is fantastic and totally supportive but I feel like nobody else understands.

Hoping someone reads this who can relate. I feel so unstable at the moment and I am just necking a load of whiskey even though I know it will do no good. I just want to escape all this sh*t in my head :(

xxx

[Chocolateface]

Hi

Yes I can relate to wedding organisation, even though I got married 20 years ago this year. It is stressful as there is so much competition to have the perfect day that the actual purpose of the day seems lost. DO you feel like you are on a runaway train with people making decisions and telling you what you need and you can't stop or get off? That is how I felt. If I could have my day again now it would be so different.

If your hubby to be is supporting you then here is what I would advise to do, talk to him and decide between the two of you what you both want for your day, then (and this is the hard part) organise things to be like that, it is your day after all not anyone elses and what you want should count before everything else.

If you find crowds difficult then can you make specific appointments to go to places with just the people that need to be there, then you can literally do just what you want to.

Hope you manage to organise it and wishing you all the best.

Clare

[snowflake293]

Thank you so much for your reply xx

I dont feel like anyone else is making the decisions, I just feel like everyone is judging me or hates me! my family are pretty intense at times and although my mom understands my mental health issues (she has the same issues) the rest of the familly just think I am weird.

Seriously though, all that matters to me and hubby to be is the being married bit. He is so lovely and I am so lucky buy I just feel like the rest of my life is falling apart at the moment. I am finding it very hard to function without turning to booze.

I find crowds a huge problem but with regard to the wedding it'll be ok cause the church and the reception venue are faily airy. It sounds like such a bad thing to say but I keep thinking "once you have had a drink, you will be ok" which is basically my excuse for everything.

I feel like such an idiot. sorry.

[the_anxious_mind]

Snowflake, I have been there!! Many people in my family think I should "just get over my problems" and "be normal" like them. What they don't understand is that people like us have real issues that need to be handled, chemical imbalances of sorts, that need to be fixed. And most of all, we need LOVE and we need a LOT of it! It is so hard for others who have never experienced anxiety to understand what we are going through so we just have to learn to accept that. I have recently begun to talk openly about my struggles to most people that I meet to fight the stigma.

You aren't crazy and you aren't losing your mind. You are just inside your head right now and I have been there! You have to get away from from blaming yourself or putting yourself down. Easier said than done I know. But you have a TON of people on here that totally get what you are going through and have felt exactly the guilt and stupidity that you mention. And it sounds like your fiance is supportive and understanding and those of us with these types of partners are EXTREMELY lucky!

Have you tried CBT? I'm new here so I am not familiar with everyone's stories yet! Sending prayers of peace your way! xx

EDIT: Just re-read, my mind moves too quick!! I saw where you said you were getting therapy--that's great!!

[snowflake293]

Thanks so much for the reply :)

I do feel very isolated from a lot of people in my life, especially my 'friends' :( I spoke to my Mom this morning and she's been really great and I do feel supported.

I got into such a state last night and was nearing crisis point. I ended up hurting myself, something I had not done in over 12 years. I am not seeing it as a relapse though, more of a wake up call.

Decided to not drink now. I am not an alcoholic, but I have a drinking problem.

Honestly don't know what I'd do without my support network, I feel incredibly lucky. Time to start practicing some self care and looking after my body. I need to be kind to myself, but I am so angry about all the sh*t that has happened in the past it is hard to shake the anxious feelings.

Some terrible things happened in a previous relationship that I didn't deal with properly at the time cause I believed they were my fault and have a lot of anger to deal with, but instead of being angry at the person who did these things I feel anger towards myself for not leaving. I still blame myself. I feel like everyone outside my immediate support network is 'out to get me'.

Just dont get how all this had come out when I was doing so well.

Last night I was just shaking and shaking, I had some sort of slow panic attack that lasted a long time. I am ok today though.

Thanks again xxx