Tinystrength
21-01-16, 04:25
My name is Nate and im 30 years old.
I've had Anxiety since I was a teen. Primarily social anxiety which largely went undiagnosed where my symptoms were a feeling that I swallowed a stone and I often feared that I was going to vomit. Secondary to this was a health anxiety due primarily to periodic sharp jabbing pains in my chest (I have had back pain from a young age). I was carted around to a number of doctors and specialists by well meaning parents due primarily to my poor social skills and poor grades despite a unanimous affirmation that I . I was given Paxil but was never able to take it due to an inability/fear of swallowing pills so I "pretended". That fear never abated until my mid 20s by the way when I finally got fed up of dealing with the occasional migraine (inherited).
I had my first Panic attack when I was very young, maybe 10. I remember it distinctly because I freaked out and said "I need an ambulance!" after which it quickly subsided (no ambulance).
Physically I've always been very healthy. Other than colds and a couple battles with the flu (and common allergies) I've rarely been sick and never diagnosed with anything serious. Mentally is another issue that I've touched on already. My family history is rife with OCD, depression, bi-polar disorder, agoraphobia, general anxiety etc..
Now to the meat of it. I went to work for a dead-end job at the age of 19 after having dropped out of school at 18 having lost to my anxiety and stresses about poor grades and questions of my future. No great surprise here. I gained a new family and safe haven through this job and something to busy my mind however quickly came to detest the work/pay and knowing im better than that I vowed to do "something". Well with a pretty severe social anxiety leaving places of safety and comfort makes "something" look like a pretty tall order. I don't recall any real periods of terrible anxiety or panic for quite awhile until perhaps after I lost a close co-worker to a ravenous cancer. When I was 26 I finally lost my battle against encroaching anxiety and had a full blown panic attack at work. I think I knew that it was psychologically having dealt with lesser episodes before but not how to deal with it. I remember touching a hot space heater (not hot enough to burn) just to see if I could break the spell before feeling like I was going to black out and calling an ambulance-twice! I actually told the EMTs I was fine the first trip before re-hyperventilating and calling them again. I should mention I did not know I was hyperventilating at the time until I later found out deep breathing = very bad.
In the ER I discovered lovely Ativan (no benzo horrors here) which was a miracle drug to me for those brief but horrible moments. Chest X-Ray, EKG, thyroid, blood work all checked out fine. I got a small prescription for Ativan (literally 10 .5mg pills) and saw a doctor for a prescription of a much longer term dose of Celexa. What followed immediately after this was probably the worst 2 weeks of my existence. I lost nearly 10 pounds from lack of appetite, couldn't function, just stayed in bed, watched TV and dosed myself when the anxiety hit waiting for Celexa to work. Celexa hit me with nausea and dizziness and giving in to the panic like that for that length of time gave me a small amount of agoraphobia and probably made the side-effects of Celexa about 10x worse. Because of this horrible experience i stuck permanently to a starting dose of 10mg. When I went to my follow-up visit at the doctors I remember physically shaking.
I got back on track with baby steps, went off Celexa after roughly a year, and roughly 6 months after that boom, back in the ER with a panic attack because I hyperventilated.... again. Believe it or not I literally did not understand the concept and importance of breathing normally nor the negative effects of taking big gasping breaths until after this episode. Went back on Celexa (20mg this time), had an okay 2014 year, and went back off Celexa due to having more frequent, but sporadic, anxiety, plus it makes me pee a lot and I have an aversion to being drugged for the rest of my life. I was able to truck through the side-effects much better the second time around though.
I lost a close family member suddenly in September, my brother and one of my very few true friends in life. I coped with it, drug free, amazingly. I think I was so shocked and kept so busy by all the horribleness of it that it overrode any anxiety I would of had. I was just busy being there for others. October, November, December, and now January. The last 3 months in particular have been very rough. The anxiety is back with a vengeance and its tearing me down. My days are miserable, over the last few weeks I've basically dealt with a breathing/health phobia all day long and my appetite has been murdered. Last week was so rough I had to take 2mg of my dwindling supply of Ativan (refreshed when I went to 20mg celexa), 1mg of which went to 1 horrific attack I had on Thursday evening as I was making my way home. No hyperventilating, I've got that pretty well under control, just feeling like I've lost my mind and am about to die. The usual. I read some about anxiety disorders, found that one method is to welcome it, let it overwhelm you, and understand that nothing is wrong so you can re-train your brain to what is actually worth worrying about. I understand the premise, it makes sense, but im finding that very hard to do. Im in a place that is about as terrible as I have ever been and am just biding my time until this passes and also getting very depressed in the aftermath. Last night I broke down crying talking about my urgent NEED to do more with my life which I essentially never do (the crying that is). Tonight I caved and took my first Celexa since April/May (I know it takes weeks to kick in) and will talk to a doctor when I can about switching to/trying Lexapro. All in all I just feel very crappy and just wanted to write it down. I've been down this path before and I know its no permanent, that's all I keep telling myself. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If you found some of this familiar then take comfort in that you're not alone.
I've had Anxiety since I was a teen. Primarily social anxiety which largely went undiagnosed where my symptoms were a feeling that I swallowed a stone and I often feared that I was going to vomit. Secondary to this was a health anxiety due primarily to periodic sharp jabbing pains in my chest (I have had back pain from a young age). I was carted around to a number of doctors and specialists by well meaning parents due primarily to my poor social skills and poor grades despite a unanimous affirmation that I . I was given Paxil but was never able to take it due to an inability/fear of swallowing pills so I "pretended". That fear never abated until my mid 20s by the way when I finally got fed up of dealing with the occasional migraine (inherited).
I had my first Panic attack when I was very young, maybe 10. I remember it distinctly because I freaked out and said "I need an ambulance!" after which it quickly subsided (no ambulance).
Physically I've always been very healthy. Other than colds and a couple battles with the flu (and common allergies) I've rarely been sick and never diagnosed with anything serious. Mentally is another issue that I've touched on already. My family history is rife with OCD, depression, bi-polar disorder, agoraphobia, general anxiety etc..
Now to the meat of it. I went to work for a dead-end job at the age of 19 after having dropped out of school at 18 having lost to my anxiety and stresses about poor grades and questions of my future. No great surprise here. I gained a new family and safe haven through this job and something to busy my mind however quickly came to detest the work/pay and knowing im better than that I vowed to do "something". Well with a pretty severe social anxiety leaving places of safety and comfort makes "something" look like a pretty tall order. I don't recall any real periods of terrible anxiety or panic for quite awhile until perhaps after I lost a close co-worker to a ravenous cancer. When I was 26 I finally lost my battle against encroaching anxiety and had a full blown panic attack at work. I think I knew that it was psychologically having dealt with lesser episodes before but not how to deal with it. I remember touching a hot space heater (not hot enough to burn) just to see if I could break the spell before feeling like I was going to black out and calling an ambulance-twice! I actually told the EMTs I was fine the first trip before re-hyperventilating and calling them again. I should mention I did not know I was hyperventilating at the time until I later found out deep breathing = very bad.
In the ER I discovered lovely Ativan (no benzo horrors here) which was a miracle drug to me for those brief but horrible moments. Chest X-Ray, EKG, thyroid, blood work all checked out fine. I got a small prescription for Ativan (literally 10 .5mg pills) and saw a doctor for a prescription of a much longer term dose of Celexa. What followed immediately after this was probably the worst 2 weeks of my existence. I lost nearly 10 pounds from lack of appetite, couldn't function, just stayed in bed, watched TV and dosed myself when the anxiety hit waiting for Celexa to work. Celexa hit me with nausea and dizziness and giving in to the panic like that for that length of time gave me a small amount of agoraphobia and probably made the side-effects of Celexa about 10x worse. Because of this horrible experience i stuck permanently to a starting dose of 10mg. When I went to my follow-up visit at the doctors I remember physically shaking.
I got back on track with baby steps, went off Celexa after roughly a year, and roughly 6 months after that boom, back in the ER with a panic attack because I hyperventilated.... again. Believe it or not I literally did not understand the concept and importance of breathing normally nor the negative effects of taking big gasping breaths until after this episode. Went back on Celexa (20mg this time), had an okay 2014 year, and went back off Celexa due to having more frequent, but sporadic, anxiety, plus it makes me pee a lot and I have an aversion to being drugged for the rest of my life. I was able to truck through the side-effects much better the second time around though.
I lost a close family member suddenly in September, my brother and one of my very few true friends in life. I coped with it, drug free, amazingly. I think I was so shocked and kept so busy by all the horribleness of it that it overrode any anxiety I would of had. I was just busy being there for others. October, November, December, and now January. The last 3 months in particular have been very rough. The anxiety is back with a vengeance and its tearing me down. My days are miserable, over the last few weeks I've basically dealt with a breathing/health phobia all day long and my appetite has been murdered. Last week was so rough I had to take 2mg of my dwindling supply of Ativan (refreshed when I went to 20mg celexa), 1mg of which went to 1 horrific attack I had on Thursday evening as I was making my way home. No hyperventilating, I've got that pretty well under control, just feeling like I've lost my mind and am about to die. The usual. I read some about anxiety disorders, found that one method is to welcome it, let it overwhelm you, and understand that nothing is wrong so you can re-train your brain to what is actually worth worrying about. I understand the premise, it makes sense, but im finding that very hard to do. Im in a place that is about as terrible as I have ever been and am just biding my time until this passes and also getting very depressed in the aftermath. Last night I broke down crying talking about my urgent NEED to do more with my life which I essentially never do (the crying that is). Tonight I caved and took my first Celexa since April/May (I know it takes weeks to kick in) and will talk to a doctor when I can about switching to/trying Lexapro. All in all I just feel very crappy and just wanted to write it down. I've been down this path before and I know its no permanent, that's all I keep telling myself. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If you found some of this familiar then take comfort in that you're not alone.