So fed up with fear of dying

[LTsoworriedalways]

Hi,

Im new here and i feel this is the best place to be understood about my health anxiety. I have been suffering since around july last year and it all started with symptoms that i googled to give myself ovarian cancer, which turned out to be a small cyst!

Since then it seems it has been constant diagnosing myself with different cancers, i have gone from ovarian, oesophagus, throat, breast and brain and now I'm currently suffering from fear of lymphoma.

Im 23 years old and generally healthy but I'm concerned about a lump i have found behind my right ear under the base of my skull, its a fixed lump and very hard around 10 pence size. I have been to the doctors for them to say they think its just an enlarged lymph node that become fixed from a bad infection and more than likely won't go down (?) and I've also had a FBC which showed everything seems normal. But this still hasn't stopped my worrying and I feel as though I'm going insane with fear. The GP has reffered me to ENT and I'm due to go in 2 weeks time but I'm so frightened its going to be something sinister.

Im due to get married in april and i feel this is probably what has brought this all on, i constantly feel as though I'm going to die and leave my partner behind. I feel so upset everyday with the thought of it, almost to the point where I'm scared to be happy about my wedding or anything in the future incase anything happens me.

Sorry to ramble on just looking for some positive thoughts/advice :unsure:

xx

[nirvanainchains]

If the symptoms doesn’t make you feel very bad then enjoy your life to the fullest, if the doctor told you that everything is okay then go on,move forward. Life is so short, do your best not to be preoccupied with those fears. We all die, it is inevitable.

[lindadiana]

ive had this all my life,i wasn't going to see my 16th birthday and ever birthday then every xmas then the birth of my first baby and second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth babies,then I though about why I had done this all my life ,andi reaised its was because something nice was going to occur,thats what it had all been about,so when my daughter was pregnant she started saying similar things,im so lucky I have it all ill probably die,so I said hang on,look at it realistically you don't have it all,your very young your boyfriends not a lot of use,lol he is ok,but not very grown up type although he 23,you have no money,nowhere to live except at home with me,your boyfriend has no job,then she said well I suppose your right,i said yes your having a lovely baby,and that' is a marvellous thing in your life,but your not royalty or a celebrity,now they have it all,lol it made her see that the reason like myself was simply because a nice thing was happening,in your case your wedding day,please take advice enjoy your life,your only young don't let thoughts get in the way,im 57 now,so that is a total of 41 years wasted on thoughts I had my last baby at 40,so from 16 to 40 was bad enough wastage on thoughts but im still at it.i wish they had had sites like this when I was younger,i would have thought well all the oldies on here have made it to that age and have been worrying all their lives for nothing,there really is no point in worrying,nobody can change whatever is meant to be,so why worry until there is a real need to,hope your wedding day is a beautiful day for you,hugs linda

[nirvanainchains]

Good point linda.

[lindadiana]

thanks,but it is so true thoughts can bring on so many horrible feelings they can ruin lives for absolutely nothing

[Traceypo]

Hi hun, I have a benign enlarged lymph node in my neck, been checked by two ent professionals (the 2 wasn't about my anxiety, it was because my next appt was with a different consultant) mine doesn't move, hasn't grown in 5 years.
Try not to worry, most of us have lumps and bumps that are totally harmless.
Xxx

[LTsoworriedalways]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind replies.
I'm hoping when I go to the ent my mind will be put at rest but dreading that I'll move onto something else!
I've always been worried about my health but I like I say the wedding has made it so much worse, Linda describes exactly how I feel.. It's stopping me from looking forward to everything good in my life and I just wish I was like a "normal" person.
But I've took a step forward and contacted my local psychiatrist for CBT hoping that will help

Thank you again it's made me feel better xx

[LTsoworriedalways]

Hey, me again!
So I went to my appointment at guys and see a head and neck cancer specialist about the lump in my neck. Straight away he said he feels he isn't concerned doesn't feel like much to him. I know this should make me feel so much better but I'm still finding myself touching it and googling!!
He is sending me for CT scan and I'm so frightened it's awful :( in a way I just want to know but I'm dreading that it's something terrible.
I've also convinced myself that I have a lump on my collarbone right next to the joint where my arm meet my shoulder. My OH reassures me that it will feel larger that side because it's the side I use the most so it's more muscular/the bone is bigger. But I'm still touching and poking until it hurts.
I'm driving myself insane, I have fullness in the ear with the lump under it and now I've read countless things online that have just convinced me it's cancer.
So fed up with all this just want it over :mad:

[anxious2016]

Hi, I feel for you.
I just went to the doctors today (for the second time in a week) regarding a swollen lymph node on the side of my neck. Its driving me crazy and I can't help but think its lymphoma. Both doctors say they are not too concerned about it but because I was in tears over it today she said she will send me for an ultrasound of the neck to double check. She mentioned she was 99% certain it was going to be ok but if she were certain it was nothing she wouldn't send me for a scan. Like really, from 99% sure its nothing to sending me for a scan because you cant say for certain its not cancer! I'm so scared to go for my scan now and them find something suspicious.

---------- Post added at 03:02 ---------- Previous post was at 02:59 ----------

I found the lump 2 weeks ago. at the time I wasn't sick or anything, no signs of infection so that scared me. I ended up getting a common cold about 2 days after find it. But the doctor said it shouldn't have swelled up before a cold so that makes me nervous too. ANd since then I've been non stop checking for more swollen nodes and think I may have found one higher up my neck on the opposite side that feels rock hard. Not sure if its a lymph node or some part of bone that is just shaped differently! I hate anxiety! I'm all over the place worried and can't even stop googling all day.

[KeeKee]

But the doctor said it shouldn't have swelled up before a cold so that makes me nervous too.

I don't understand why the doctor would think that. I always know a cold is coming as either my nodes under my chin or on my neck swell and become sore.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I don't understand why the doctor would think that. I always know a cold is coming as either my nodes under my chin or on my neck swell and become sore.

Yeah, and they swell up due to sensing a localised infection. I've seen plenty of people on here talking about other triggers like their teeth/gums or a reoccurring infection so perhaps something like that as sometimes you get a bit of something, it goes and then the full blown comes later.

The GP's should easily understand that, they must see these issues all day, every day.

[.Poppy.]

Hey, LT. Have you ever struggled with anxiety before, or is it just the wedding that seems to have brought this on?

I'm sure your lump is fine. I actually have one behind my ear as well as one under my jaw - both lymph nodes that are just constantly enlarged. They actually started off my health anxiety but once I finally got the courage to ask the doctor about them he confirmed they were nothing. At that point I'd had them for so long anyway (years, even) that if they HAD been something sinister it would have shown up by then.

But, it's very easy to get into these ruts of thinking - I know.

I'd definitely ask your doctor about your anxiety, though. It may be something that was triggered by the upcoming wedding, in which case maybe something as simple as talking to a counselor for a few sessions would be helpful. If it's something that has happened before, maybe another approach can be taken.

[anxious2016]

I'm glad some of you feel that it may be ok that my lymph nodes swelled up before getting a cold but i'm still very anxious about it. ITs been two weeks since finding the lump... ANd there is no change in it at all. Still not shrinking. Its very small, definitely under 1cm. I'm freaking out that these harder bumpy spot I found at top of neck sorta under jaw near ear but still on neck is so hard. Not even sure that one is a lymph node. I'm going crazy. Really feeling scared of it being lymphoma.

---------- Post added at 16:58 ---------- Previous post was at 16:57 ----------

I go for an ultrasound of the neck on Monday but that doesn't even put my mind at ease because I know that the only real way to know is a biopsy of the lymph node. Would they even consider that if two doctors feel its nothing serious and its so small??

[LTsoworriedalways]

Hey,
.Poppy. - I've always been quite an anxious person. I remember having certain health fears when I was younger but not to this extent. So I think the wedding has brought it out a lot more. My mind will be at rest when I get the CT scan done hopefully. I've spoken to my doctor and they prescribed me 20mg of citalopram and gave me a number for some CBT sessions. Health anxiety is so awful it takes over everything I feel for everyone that has it :(

anxious2016 - I wouldn't be so worried about your lymph nodes as you have had a cold usually that's why they come up. I've got a small one under my jaw that came up over a month ago because I had a slight sore throat and it's still there now. I'm worried because mine is rock hard and quite large and of course Google diagnoses that as something sinister. You will have answers from your scan so hopefully that will make you feel better xx