Black hole of emotion

[elik]

I am so scared. I've really been through every emotion of my anxiety and every feeling and symptom. I'm currently in such a psychosis state (derealization) that I am more scared of my intrusive thoughts as I feel so disconnected and weird and just damn right petrified and not in control of my own mind :( For the last few days I've been trying to get on with days as normal but in just in a black hole by myself and I'm lonely and scared

[TalkTonight]

Hi elik

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.

Having suffered from periods of derealisation myself, I understand how frightening it can be.

Assuming that it won't distress you further, might it be of benefit to elaborate on the nature of your intrusive thoughts?

[elik]

Intrusive thoughts are currently;
- is life really a thing
- how can I trust that anyone feels anything and I will never know
- am I dreaming
- if I feel so other worldly and distant I feel less control
- what if this is my road to insanity
- maybe I have a more severe mental disorder
- I've lost it I am so weird
- it's me on my own
- what if I hurt someone am I more capable because I don't feel any human reactions etc at he moment
What sort of person am I and how can I like myself when I'm like this

I just want someone to pull me out

[TalkTonight]

Hi again elik

I believe that the fear of losing one's mind is common, especially amongst anxiety sufferers. You mention in your original post that you're currently suffering from psychosis. Are you sure? Derealisation is the polar opposite to psychosis. You're all too aware of your reality, even though everything seems so unreal.

The fact that you're concerned about hurting someone is a strong indicator that you won't. It's a trait I've exhibited in the past and in my case was attributed to OCD.

There is a lot of catastrophising (what if?) and thoughts that would be difficult to substantiate with any evidence in your second post. You're clearly very anxious but you're also lucid. There's nothing in your writing that suggests (to me at least) that you're ailing anything other than anxiety. And, as unnerving as it most definitely is, it will pass. Are you perhaps able to distract yourself in the meantime? The more attention you grant these thoughts, the more bothersome they will be.

[unspoken]

Hi Elik,

I was worried there, reading your list of symptoms, that if you've got psychosis, I've got it too. I've told my doctor about my symptoms though and while she was concerned, she said for me they are likely to be medication side effects which should settle down. I think your thoughts are normal for somebody who is highly anxious and depressed and "over thinking".

You're worried about developing psychosis, I understand that, I think we all worry about how bad our mental illnesses might get. As TalkTonight said, you seem to be lucid and aware of your thoughts. Do you have much support around you? Distraction may be helpful in the short term and seeing a therapist and your GP in the longer term.

[pulisa]

Elik, did you find that the Priory helped you at all during your recent stay?

[elik]

I just keep pulling myself back round in loops but letting myself because I'm scared and constantly thinking what if I can't let go and every time that I feel 'normalish' it's like I don't want to deal with it and I pull myself back to the derealization state. Sorry, I shouldn't use words that aren't diagnosed. I just feel like I'm losing it and I'm aware of what's going on but then I even question what I'm aware of etc it just never ends. The priory stay helped me feel safe but not get rid of my symptoms. I feel nothing helps apart from myself but I don't know what to do anymore I can't rely on myself only. Thank you for your replies

[KeeKee]

I can't really offer advice as I've only had this happen once (for around 6 weeks) and mine was med related so I just switched but I know how awful it is to feel that way. I hope things improve for you. Are you on meds?
I find it interesting you can seem to allow yourself to go into this 'state', it sounds so upsetting for you. Although not the same thing I recently read up on Maladaptive Daydreaming or something around the lines where some people actually get lost into their daydreams, it sometimes affects their lives to the point where they'll just daydream all day and not do things such as household chores etc. They tend to allow it to happen when they can't face reality. Sorry if what I've said is confusing maybe I've just over thought your post.
Hope you feel better soon

[unspoken]

I am finding it hard to tell the difference between what's actually happened and what I've dreamt. My phone tells me that I rang the doctors 9 times this morning but every time the phone was engaged, but then I must have fallen asleep and dreamt that somebody picked up and told me the doctor would call me. The main reason I know this didn't happen is because it was a guy who picked up the phone and they don't seem to have any male reception staff. Memories of things that happened are very close to dreams for me at the moment.

None of us will ever truly know if we are experiencing things in the same way as other people and likewise, we only know what people tell us, or what their body language and other signals tell us, about what other people think and feel. I could have some disorder where I see things differently, or think totally differently, to people around me, but I may never find this out because I have no frame of reference. Some people like to think about these 'big questions' but I find it just makes my head spin and I find it unhelpful. I find I think too much when I've not got any purpose or anything to keep me busy. I don't know what your situation is but I've decided to talk to my employer about doing a bit of work to distract me, as thinking too much just makes me sink into a deeper pit of loneliness and despair.

I think the human mind is prone to this kind of self-questioning and existential doubt in certain circumstances. I reckon if you locked some apparently sane and happy people up alone in a room with no stimuli for a few days and then put that list of questions in front of them, they would start to dwell on those questions and feel like they were losing their grip on their sanity, because they are removed from the normal distractions and stimulation that life provides. Likewise, if you are isolated, those kind of questions seem more pressing. I hope this helps you feel less like you're losing your mind.