Lozza22
25-01-16, 23:41
Hi, My name's Laura, I'm new to this site. Basically I was fine if a bit depressed (because of various things) until about 5 weeks now. I was worrying a lot about things, more than I would do normally (I'm usually fairly laid-back and more of a feel the fear and do it anyway thinker). It started with worrying about a couple of things people had said which I took to heart (probably due to feeling depressed and resenting the fact that I felt I was losing the confidence in myself that I'd built up because of the situation I was in). I was mostly worried about social anxiety which has always been a bit of an issue for me, I'd never avoided it but never really liked it or accepted it as a part of myself either. I was having a stressful time before it happened and had the though of 'what if I regressed back/lose my confidence etc.' This then led to a feeling of panic in a social situation because I thought I should be making the effort etc. but the pressure I was putting on myself and the awkwardness made me nearly panic- I go bright red which is great because everyone can see! I then associated this with a time at school when I had panic attacks in a certain situation and I jumped to the 'what if I start having panic attacks in social and other situations'. Research that evening on panic attacks left me reassured that they're not harmful etc. however the next day at work I felt panicky because I was thinking about it, and then felt panicky in the supermarket/out shopping etc. which was very frustrating! I then did more 'research' and saw a story about a guy who had bad anxiety for over a year couldn't leave house etc. I reasoned that this COULD happen to me. Feeling panicky continuously was not a good thought so I went to the doctors after breaking down at work and was prescribed 10mg citalopram and told to come back in a month. I went into a pretty much constant anxiety attack for approx. 4 days and barely ate for over a week. Not believing the medication would make the thought 'go away' I've since done more and more 'research' stupidly and scared myself into a situation where I can't stop thinking about anxiety/being anxious/being anxious about being anxious/relating it to everything/thinking I've 'created' it how can I get rid of it/feeling very depressed about it and considering what I might have to resort to if I can't sort myself out as well as being very self analytical going over and over my traits and why I'm in this position/childhood memories/stuff that happened just before and thinking 'if that hadn't happened I wouldn't be here now' all very unhelpful thoughts I know. I also feel like I keep making it worse. My head feels like a mess and I can't see the way out at the moment, but there must be one. I'm currently taking 50mg of Sertraline and sleeping tablets. I'm seeing a counsellor, CBT therapist and being referred to see a clinical psychologist- but am worried I will have the negative mindset of 'this won't work' and consequently it won't. I feel like I've gone from a normal, fairly happy and often giggly girl to someone who really doesn't feel like me- creating 'real' problems too because I'm 'not with it' and depressed. I've 'created' it though and feel very selfish, guilty, sad, confused etc. Most of all it's frustrating because I just want to be normal again but if all I'm doing is dwelling on it, it's just going to go on and on. I've even created a voice that when I try to distract my self it's conscious of the fact I'm trying to distract from it so I end up thinking about it more. I am over analzing and thinking every situation and everything I think, say and do. I feel trapped and it's my own fault, I'm not very patient and I'm just going round and round in circles in my head- it's all so pointless, but how can I stop it?! I'm creating what I'm scared of...it's like being in a black hole. Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated...I'm thinking maybe try hitting myself on the head with a frying pan?! I'm obsessed with thinking about it and I want it to go away!! SORRY IT'S SO LONG