Weird situation

[Lozza22]

Hi, My name's Laura, I'm new to this site. Basically I was fine if a bit depressed (because of various things) until about 5 weeks now. I was worrying a lot about things, more than I would do normally (I'm usually fairly laid-back and more of a feel the fear and do it anyway thinker). It started with worrying about a couple of things people had said which I took to heart (probably due to feeling depressed and resenting the fact that I felt I was losing the confidence in myself that I'd built up because of the situation I was in). I was mostly worried about social anxiety which has always been a bit of an issue for me, I'd never avoided it but never really liked it or accepted it as a part of myself either. I was having a stressful time before it happened and had the though of 'what if I regressed back/lose my confidence etc.' This then led to a feeling of panic in a social situation because I thought I should be making the effort etc. but the pressure I was putting on myself and the awkwardness made me nearly panic- I go bright red which is great because everyone can see! I then associated this with a time at school when I had panic attacks in a certain situation and I jumped to the 'what if I start having panic attacks in social and other situations'. Research that evening on panic attacks left me reassured that they're not harmful etc. however the next day at work I felt panicky because I was thinking about it, and then felt panicky in the supermarket/out shopping etc. which was very frustrating! I then did more 'research' and saw a story about a guy who had bad anxiety for over a year couldn't leave house etc. I reasoned that this COULD happen to me. Feeling panicky continuously was not a good thought so I went to the doctors after breaking down at work and was prescribed 10mg citalopram and told to come back in a month. I went into a pretty much constant anxiety attack for approx. 4 days and barely ate for over a week. Not believing the medication would make the thought 'go away' I've since done more and more 'research' stupidly and scared myself into a situation where I can't stop thinking about anxiety/being anxious/being anxious about being anxious/relating it to everything/thinking I've 'created' it how can I get rid of it/feeling very depressed about it and considering what I might have to resort to if I can't sort myself out as well as being very self analytical going over and over my traits and why I'm in this position/childhood memories/stuff that happened just before and thinking 'if that hadn't happened I wouldn't be here now' all very unhelpful thoughts I know. I also feel like I keep making it worse. My head feels like a mess and I can't see the way out at the moment, but there must be one. I'm currently taking 50mg of Sertraline and sleeping tablets. I'm seeing a counsellor, CBT therapist and being referred to see a clinical psychologist- but am worried I will have the negative mindset of 'this won't work' and consequently it won't. I feel like I've gone from a normal, fairly happy and often giggly girl to someone who really doesn't feel like me- creating 'real' problems too because I'm 'not with it' and depressed. I've 'created' it though and feel very selfish, guilty, sad, confused etc. Most of all it's frustrating because I just want to be normal again but if all I'm doing is dwelling on it, it's just going to go on and on. I've even created a voice that when I try to distract my self it's conscious of the fact I'm trying to distract from it so I end up thinking about it more. I am over analzing and thinking every situation and everything I think, say and do. I feel trapped and it's my own fault, I'm not very patient and I'm just going round and round in circles in my head- it's all so pointless, but how can I stop it?! I'm creating what I'm scared of...it's like being in a black hole. Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated...I'm thinking maybe try hitting myself on the head with a frying pan?! I'm obsessed with thinking about it and I want it to go away!! SORRY IT'S SO LONG

[beatroon]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the site! Hopefully you'll find it as supportive and useful as I have! It does help I think to know you're not alone.

Sorry that you're going through it with the anxiety. It can feel all-consuming, I know. What you've written does sound very familiar to me - that sense of being in a negative spiral.

However it also sounds like you're doing very sensible things to get out of the spiral! Your CBT will be helpful, your other therapies will also be helping you, even if you can't see improvement right now. I think with anxiety it can be just a question of setting small goals and taking small steps towards feeling better.

You mention feeling guilty - I wanted to say that when I was really down I felt quite irrationally guilty about lots of things, and it is a classic symptom of anxiety and depression - so, give yourself a break, your brain has a lot to handle at the moment, those feelings will go as you start to get better.

When I felt quite ill, I also did a lot of 'researching', which you probably already know is one of the things therapists like you to avoid. It can be so tempting to try and find out a lot about the things you're worrying about, but this really reinforces negative thinking and fuels obsessiveness. It might be worth talking to your CBT person about strategies to overcome this. My CBT person helped me to reduce checking/worrying behaviours to a certain period of time a day, and that was very helpful.

Wishing you lots of luck!

Beatroon

---------- Post added at 13:07 ---------- Previous post was at 13:07 ----------

ps I wouldn't recommend hitting yourself on the head with a frying pan! Concussion really wouldn't be helpful at this stage :)

[Lozza22]

Hi, thanks for your reply :) I've just had a CBT session today and it sounds like it will be helpful. Yes 'research' has not been helpful at all, I seem to have picked out all of the negative stuff and gone straight to the 'what if that happens to me?' 'what if I start doing that'. Consequently I have changed my thought patterns by filling my head with rubbish, then actually doing/thinking what I didn't want to! Reinforcing the fact that I don't feel like myself etc. making me depressed and more anxious and it just goes round and round. I've started over-analyzing everything I think, say and do, which makes me feel like I've somehow re-wired my brain and not in a good way! I also keep noticing ways that will stop me from getting better, and because I've let my thoughts become so powerful, I have the thought and then think great, now that won't help etc. Also makes me feel like maybe I actually subconsciously want to be like this- but I definitely don't! Hate thinking so much!

Yeh maybe I'll give the frying pan a miss, reckon a headache as well as this won't do me any favours :p

Thanks again,

Laura

[Lozza22]

Hi, don’t know if replying to my own message will make this thread current again. Basically got better for a good while with periods of time when I was close to going back into this pit. I have now again unfortunately and feel awful. Life is great but seems just beyond my reach because I am so depressed and my head is full of such horrendous worries and thoughts. Has anyone else experienced similar or got any advice? I feel constantly on edge and nervous that something scary is going on which I guess it is but only in my head. It’s so self-destructive! Why do we think like this???