Worry_wort
26-01-16, 22:55
From the outside my life must look so rosy. Two great kids, loving husband and family, own house, money in the bank. No worries at all really.
However from the inside of me things seem a little bit different. Have you ever seen a swan swimming upstream, well that’s me. To most people I appear calm on the surface but what they don’t realise is underneath I'm paddling like mad. Trying to stay afloat, trying not to sink, trying not to drown.
Worry consumes me each and every day. My brain never rests, constantly churning new worries, old worries basically any worry it can. It never stops, it never relents, it's always wins.
I hide my secret well apart from close friends and family. From them I can not hide the tears, sadness and general torment in which I live on a daily basis. They all love me dearly but they just don't “get it”. I don't “get it” either so how can I ever hope to explain it to them. How do you explain that a tiny part of you knows that you’re irrational but that part never wins, it's always beaten down by the monster that is anxiety.
Unfortunately I have a couple if other delightful traits. The prison that is perfectionism. Not near perfection, but absolute, no compromise perfection. Not only do I bestow this gift of perfectionism on myself but I grant it to all around me. I expect everything to be perfect, and if I know it's not going to be perfect then I don't bother doing it at all. Which leads nicely on to my third trait, procrastination.
Procrastination is like being stuck in quicksand, but you can maybe see a way out. Do you take it, do you risk it? No you stand their slowly sinking for fear that the alternative action could be worse. So rather than do something wrong you don't move, you stay completely still, never moving forward, always putting off decisions. But in reality you are still slowly sinking, being consumed by the sand, but the fear of the unknown is a greater risk, the greater evil so you just stand there and sink.
I feel completely helpless, overwhelmed and useless. Does anybody else feel like this?
However from the inside of me things seem a little bit different. Have you ever seen a swan swimming upstream, well that’s me. To most people I appear calm on the surface but what they don’t realise is underneath I'm paddling like mad. Trying to stay afloat, trying not to sink, trying not to drown.
Worry consumes me each and every day. My brain never rests, constantly churning new worries, old worries basically any worry it can. It never stops, it never relents, it's always wins.
I hide my secret well apart from close friends and family. From them I can not hide the tears, sadness and general torment in which I live on a daily basis. They all love me dearly but they just don't “get it”. I don't “get it” either so how can I ever hope to explain it to them. How do you explain that a tiny part of you knows that you’re irrational but that part never wins, it's always beaten down by the monster that is anxiety.
Unfortunately I have a couple if other delightful traits. The prison that is perfectionism. Not near perfection, but absolute, no compromise perfection. Not only do I bestow this gift of perfectionism on myself but I grant it to all around me. I expect everything to be perfect, and if I know it's not going to be perfect then I don't bother doing it at all. Which leads nicely on to my third trait, procrastination.
Procrastination is like being stuck in quicksand, but you can maybe see a way out. Do you take it, do you risk it? No you stand their slowly sinking for fear that the alternative action could be worse. So rather than do something wrong you don't move, you stay completely still, never moving forward, always putting off decisions. But in reality you are still slowly sinking, being consumed by the sand, but the fear of the unknown is a greater risk, the greater evil so you just stand there and sink.
I feel completely helpless, overwhelmed and useless. Does anybody else feel like this?