Trying to cope with husband with anxiety.

[Wooly]

Hi All
This is my first time on this forum because I think I'm going to need some help getting through this year trying to cope with and help my husband with anxiety.

He has always suffered from anxiety but it used to be centred around social anxiety, this has improved greatly in the last few years and we have enjoyed a good period without it being an issue.

His anxiety now though has switched to our house - it is an older house with all the issues that come with that. It has a damp problem on the gable end which over 10 years has got worse affecting the kitchen. We have known that it is an issue that would need a lot of work so we had been putting it off.

However - In August we had a unrelated leak in the toilet plumbing which has sent my husband into a downward spiral of anxiety that is still going on now. We had that leak fixed very quickly although it did cause some damage on the ceiling below. Since that leak he has been constantly checking the plumbing, fixings, bath seals, woodwork, damp etc and as it is a old house he is often finding problems large or small. Each issue he finds brings on a panic attacks which can be all consuming.

One example was when he checked a bolt that fixs the toilet to the floor (not a very important one) it was so corroded it disintegrated. This caused a panic attack. It is out only toilet and even though it was still usable and safe he was convinced that it would fall through the ceiling. I had to drive him 15 miles to the nearest public toilets before bedtime, he then left extremely early for work in the morning after very little sleep to use their facilities.

Since August I think I have had to call out a plumber or workman at least 8/9 times. He also had a panic attack because he thought the damaged ceiling contained asbestos and would kill us. I agreed to have it tested - which for me was a huge gamble because I don't think he would have coped if it was confirmed - thankfully there was no trace - a big relief.

This has brought to a ahead that we do need to get the damp issues in the kitchen sorted. We had a survey in November and have contracted a company to to the work (a huge amount). All seemed well and positive because we were doing something conquer the big problem. However the work is not being done until the summer which is a long time away and my husband has now lost confidence in the company we are using after they made a small mistake on some of the work they were able to do in November.

His anxiety convincing him that the house is going to fall down, he hates the house and hates being in it. It is hard to convince him that many people have issues with their homes & all houses need regular maintenance and have problems. This is very hard as its our home, we can't sell until we fix the issues and I'm not sure I want to anyway.

I think what I'm looking for from this forum is some support as the next few months are going to be very stressful. I am self employed so it is always me that has to change my plans to sort out maintenance issues to relieve his anxiety, which is causing a lot of disruption and stress to my work - As I write this I am waiting at home for a plumber to look at another problem.

[beatroon]

Dear Wooly,

I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are having a lot of problems. It sounds like you are being very supportive towards him and his anxiety, so I wanted to first of all say a big congrats for that. I know that my anxiety takes a big toll on my partner when it's bad, and it is horrible to see. I am sure your husband is very appreciative, even if sometimes he may seem too anxious to say so.

It sounds as though your husband might benefit from some kind of treatment, if the anxiety is impacting so much on his daily life. I get from reading your note that although you are taking steps to 'fix' the problem with your house, that still hasn't relieved his anxiety, which to me signals that it is the anxiety that needs fixing, not the house, if you see what I mean. It does echo what for me is a classic pattern - obsessive worrying about one thing, which then switches to another thing as soon as it's resolved.

I wonder if he would consider a visit to the GP? I know it may feel like a big step, but living with anxiety (either as suffered or partner) is absolutely hellish and so it's worth asking what you have to lose by going. I personally have found a combination of medication and CBT very helpful, and there are lots of options out there.

Sending you best wishes,

Beatroon

[Pipkin]

Wooly,

I completely understand as I too can become fixated on problems, including with my house, and see them as overwhelming and far worse than they really are. This is a very common pattern with anxiety disorders.

I can't add a great deal to Beatroon's excellent post as she has picked up on the same point as me - the anxiety needs to be sorted more urgently than your house. A visit to your GP is an excellent starting point. You could go with him or, if he didn't feel comfortable with that, you could encourage him to write down what he wants to say beforehand as it can be really difficult when you're sat in the chair and the doc says 'what can I do for you today?'. He can then refer to his notes if he gets stuck.

I would also recommend Claire Weekes' book Self Help for Your Nerves. It may seem a little old fashioned but the content is excellent and it will help you both to understand what is behind the anxiety and it gives strategies to deal with it. The answer lies with your husband (and your support) and take heart that you can get through it. It might never go completely but things will get so much better.

Regarding strategies of how to cope with the house anxiety, I find it helps if I list the things which need to be done, what I'm doing about it and when it will be finished. It seems a real relief to me to have it in black and white, as it shows me I've taken the first step to sorting things out.

Ultimately though, his anxiety will just keep finding new things to focus on unless he starts to work on it.

Good luck

Pip x