W.I.F.T.S.
26-02-07, 17:16
Today was my first day of a much anticipated (two months waiting for police checks, plus about 3 weeks before that for christmas break) new job at my former high school.
When I woke up this morning I didn't feel too anxious. Then I got there and i had to wait around and I felt a bit more anxious and by the time they led me to the staff meeting I literally felt like I was about to explode or spontaneously combust!! Normally I can just about get on top of it, but I had to dive out of the room for a couple of minutes to regain some sense of composure.
Soon after that the feisty music teacher came to the studio where I'm based and she started getting wound up because the computer wouldn't work. This made me feel pretty anxious and I kept leaving the room pretending I was checking on the instruments or messing with a camera on the other side of the room just to get away from her.
A little later still, my immediate supervisor insisted on taking me on a guided tour of the building and sitting in the claustrophobic studio with me, when all I wanted was some time on my own to try and unwind a bit.
Bloody anxiety! I kept trying to think of a mental crutch, something solid, certain and reliable, but my brain kept saying back "what if nothing is real?" and "just think of all the nothingness out there in the universe!". My fight or flight was in full effect and I was convinced (although not really, if you know what I mean?) that I was going to die, kick off big time or run screaming out of the school. It was a truly horrible experience and it made me feel awful. I was thinking things like "I'm going to have to quit this job already, I just can't handle the stress!", "I can't handle any stress, I'll have to stop at home. But, it's so depressing being stuck at home!!!"
There was one particularly excrutiating incident where I went to the loo and the deputy head came in next to me. I was so nervous that my willy shrivelled up to nect to nothing and when I tried to have a wee it wouldn't go in the urinal, instead ending up on the floor!! How embarassing?!
Thankfully, I spent the afternoon in the art rooms helping some kids to take photos and I knew about as much as the teacher did, if not a bit more in certain areas, and it was really good to feel helpful and to do something constructive. Great that the day ended with a positive and, to be honest, the day really did fly by and there's going to be lots of interesting stuff to do in the job....I just wish that my bloody nerves would settle down.
The most disappointing thing for me is that I've had agoraphobia, depression, generalised anxiety and panic attacks for about 4 years and I thought that I was a bit more advanced than I am. I didn't think that it would be so difficult to be in a room with people. There were thoughts going through my head such as "how can this just be anxiety?" and "I've never been mentally right, I'm cursed to be anxious forever".
It's funny that some of my first, 'memorable' panic attacks happened during french lessons at the high school that I'm at now. The teacher made me extremely nervous and I'd be wringing wet with sweat and practically hyperventilating just sitting in the class. It did draw a lot of attention from teachers and fellow students...maybe that's one part of it for me...the pay off of getting attention? Deep down, I very often know that my nerves are "playing up" and my conscious mind does it's best to try and ignore them. It's so hard though...I keep thinking that throughout my early twenties my phobias were mainly limited to large bodies of water and heights....I was fine with driving across europe and I was fine with selling things to people in the high street. If I can relax enough to get my 'background' levels of anxiety down, then I think that I am much better equipped to face particular phobias and to overcome them. Hopefully then, my confidence will snowball and I can be happier than I have been up until now.
When I woke up this morning I didn't feel too anxious. Then I got there and i had to wait around and I felt a bit more anxious and by the time they led me to the staff meeting I literally felt like I was about to explode or spontaneously combust!! Normally I can just about get on top of it, but I had to dive out of the room for a couple of minutes to regain some sense of composure.
Soon after that the feisty music teacher came to the studio where I'm based and she started getting wound up because the computer wouldn't work. This made me feel pretty anxious and I kept leaving the room pretending I was checking on the instruments or messing with a camera on the other side of the room just to get away from her.
A little later still, my immediate supervisor insisted on taking me on a guided tour of the building and sitting in the claustrophobic studio with me, when all I wanted was some time on my own to try and unwind a bit.
Bloody anxiety! I kept trying to think of a mental crutch, something solid, certain and reliable, but my brain kept saying back "what if nothing is real?" and "just think of all the nothingness out there in the universe!". My fight or flight was in full effect and I was convinced (although not really, if you know what I mean?) that I was going to die, kick off big time or run screaming out of the school. It was a truly horrible experience and it made me feel awful. I was thinking things like "I'm going to have to quit this job already, I just can't handle the stress!", "I can't handle any stress, I'll have to stop at home. But, it's so depressing being stuck at home!!!"
There was one particularly excrutiating incident where I went to the loo and the deputy head came in next to me. I was so nervous that my willy shrivelled up to nect to nothing and when I tried to have a wee it wouldn't go in the urinal, instead ending up on the floor!! How embarassing?!
Thankfully, I spent the afternoon in the art rooms helping some kids to take photos and I knew about as much as the teacher did, if not a bit more in certain areas, and it was really good to feel helpful and to do something constructive. Great that the day ended with a positive and, to be honest, the day really did fly by and there's going to be lots of interesting stuff to do in the job....I just wish that my bloody nerves would settle down.
The most disappointing thing for me is that I've had agoraphobia, depression, generalised anxiety and panic attacks for about 4 years and I thought that I was a bit more advanced than I am. I didn't think that it would be so difficult to be in a room with people. There were thoughts going through my head such as "how can this just be anxiety?" and "I've never been mentally right, I'm cursed to be anxious forever".
It's funny that some of my first, 'memorable' panic attacks happened during french lessons at the high school that I'm at now. The teacher made me extremely nervous and I'd be wringing wet with sweat and practically hyperventilating just sitting in the class. It did draw a lot of attention from teachers and fellow students...maybe that's one part of it for me...the pay off of getting attention? Deep down, I very often know that my nerves are "playing up" and my conscious mind does it's best to try and ignore them. It's so hard though...I keep thinking that throughout my early twenties my phobias were mainly limited to large bodies of water and heights....I was fine with driving across europe and I was fine with selling things to people in the high street. If I can relax enough to get my 'background' levels of anxiety down, then I think that I am much better equipped to face particular phobias and to overcome them. Hopefully then, my confidence will snowball and I can be happier than I have been up until now.