First timer, so scared and hopeless

[lostbridget]

Hello,
I'm new to this site and can barely capture the thoughts to even write this post because my mind is a complete mess of anxiety and panic. I'm 24 and feel like a complete failure. I suffer from severe anxiety which is completely controlling my life and I feel so scared and alone and I just want some help or to talk to somebody who understands.
I was in an abusive relationship at the age of 17 up until my second year of university and it completely ruined me. I came out with a degree but I only managed a 2.2 seeing as I was in such a dark place and didn't know where to turn so just carried on as much as I could. Neither of my parents are particularly supportive and my mum is actually a pretty big cause of my anxiety too so I've never really been able to speak to them properly.
I want to eventually get my PGCE and go into secondary teaching. I know exactly what to do and how I need to do it but my anxiety won't stop holding me back and I'm exhausted. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm a failure and comparing myself to other people even though I know that my situation is entirely different. I need to gain some classroom experience but even making a single phone call to a family member is enough to tip me over the edge at the moment.
I currently can't work due to almost constant panic attacks but I'm going to have to sign onto JSA because I've heard that claiming ESA for anxiety is near impossible and I'm terrified. I want to focus on getting better so I can actually work on my future but that doesn't seem possible. I've tried medication but it didn't seem to work for me and I'm currently waiting to hear back about some free counselling but I still haven't received any information. I find myself getting increasingly suicidal and it's terrifying but I just feel so incredible alone.
I just feel like such a lost cause. All I want is to be better and not feel like this anymore but it just won't go away. I've been having panic attacks constantly for the past 2 weeks, I open my eyes first thing in the morning and it stays until I go to sleep. I just want to be able to speak to someone about it all and not feel like a complete loser or a burden. I just want to be normal.

Thank you for any help, advice or just support that you can give.

[glassgirlw]

You're not alone in this! Browse the forum....read threads...occupy your mind. Take a walk, anything to distract. Believe me I totally get it. My symptoms come and go throughout the day and it's just exhausting. It will get better!

[Istherehope?]

Really feel for you lostbridget, there are so many here who can relate to what you are going through. I was suicidal through most of November and December, not because I wanted to die but because it seemed like the only way the suffering would stop.

You are most definitely not a failure, to have achieved a degree under those circumstances is an incredible achievement. Abusive relationships tend to leave the survivor with a horrible amount of self blame and psychological trauma, none of which is your fault. Counselling sounds like a really good option, if you can chase it up it might be worth doing, if not your GP might be able to recommend somewhere, or even self referral to IAPT. I realise taking any action at all might feel impossible right now but it won't always feel like this. You can heal and recover, it's just that you've been through an awful lot and even the strongest of us will get ill under such stressful circumstances.

I hope you can be kind to yourself :hugs: and keep posting here if it helps.

[lostbridget]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've found another free counselling provider and have arranged an initial telephone assessment for tomorrow morning. Hopefully this will be the start of all of this rubbish lifting!

---------- Post added at 11:46 ---------- Previous post was at 11:43 ----------


Really feel for you lostbridget, there are so many here who can relate to what you are going through. I was suicidal through most of November and December, not because I wanted to die but because it seemed like the only way the suffering would stop.

That's exactly how I've been feeling and I really hope that you're feeling a bit better now. As horrible as it is, it's really nice to be able to speak to people who really do understand so thank you again.

[faithfulone]

I agree with lostbridget, you are definitely not a failure. I know many people that haven't accomplished what you have at your age. Just take it slowly and you will get there. You at least know what you want to do and how to do it. I think that's great! Please, stop beating yourself up and think of all the positives you do have going for you. I found beating myself up was one of the most destructive things I could do to myself and feel like that's whats made my anxiety this go round so bad.

[Istherehope?]

Thanks lostbridget I am feeling better...it's a gradual process but I'm not in that horrible anxiety ridden place any more. I'm so glad you've found some free counselling, I hope the assessment goes well tomorrow - you're doing so well to take these steps and we're rooting for you.

[lostbridget]

Thank you all so much. This site is turning out to be such a big help.

[the_anxious_mind]

This site will change your life--it has mine! Sending love and hugs... your story sounds very similar to mine!! If you ever need anything just send a message, post on the forum, or as soon as you can, log into the chat room. There are a TON of people who are ready to shower you with encouragement and give you HOPE! x:hugs:

[Shazamataz]

You are certainly not alone!

It's a horrible place you are in but things can get better.

Most important is that you take some action against the anxiety, which you have done my calling about counselling.

Sitting back and letting the illness win feels like the easiest option, even though it's torture and I understand having felt desperate and paralysed by it all and wanting to die just to end how awful I feel. But it will get better, people get better all the time and so can you.

Try and make little goals for yourself to push yourself a bit. Something to achieve each day.

You will be ok

Hugs

[flannel]

Just wanted to stop by and say you aren't a failure. I actually think you sound like an incredibly strong person :) It's a rough road to feeling better and it can take a while but you'll get through this.

[lostbridget]

I have my phone assessment in 40 minutes and I can't stop shaking and being sick. Why won't this stop? :( I'm absolutely terrified and I have no idea why!

[lostbridget]

I actually managed to make myself feel a bit better by reading all of your replies again. Thank you all so much!

[Istherehope?]

I'm glad the replies helped you a little - how was the assessment? How are you feeling today?

[beatroon]

Yes, what an achievement to get a degree! Wow. Anxiety will try to make you feel like a loser, but it's just the anxiety talking - don't listen!

[lostbridget]

I'm a bit wobbly and still can't seem to shift the tight chest and panicky feeling but I've been worse. The assessment was pretty intense and I was a bit of a mess afterwards but I was fully expecting that!
I know I keep thanking you all but it really is a wonderful community here and I'm incredibly grateful for all of the support.

[Istherehope?]

It really is a great community here, I've only been part of it for a couple of months but it has helped me so much too.

Well done for doing the assessment, it's another step on the recovery journey. Do you know when you can start counselling? I hope it's soon.

And I know that panicky feeling well - it's horrible and exhausting. Do you get any respite? I used to find mornings the worst but that I would have a couple of good hours in the evening when I felt almost normal. I think that's quite a common pattern, but of course everyone is different too!

[lostbridget]

Thank you, the therapist is calling me back next week to arrange when I can start. She's also sent me some CBT leaflets etc. over email to help me in the meantime.

Yes, mornings are definitely the worst! I get relief in the evening too but the mornings and afternoons are so bad that I end up in a bit of a state again later on in the evening because I'm already dreading the next day!

[Istherehope?]

Yes it's hard not to dread waking up with all those awful feelings....it's like our bodies go into overdrive. I experienced bullying by a church leader who was also my boss which eventually triggered my anxiety illness. My symptoms were very similar to PTSD, and I think my body reacted with permanent hypervgilance...the effect of abuse on our emotional and physical functioning can't be underestimated.

One thing to know though, is that it was not and is not your fault. We can so easily blame ourselves or think if only we'd done things differently, particularly as the abuse is often aimed at undermining our self confidence in the first place. But we can heal even though it's a painful and lengthy process.

[lostbridget]

Definitely. I find that I have a restless sleep during the night so I end up napping during the day but then I wake up from the nap in the middle of a panic attack. It's been happening constantly for the past week or so and it's horrible.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. You're incredibly strong.

[Istherehope?]

Thanks lostbridget, I might sound strong now but i rarely feel it and a few weeks back I was in a similar place to the one you're in now. Waking up panicking is one of the worst feelings, you have my utmost sympathy.

Do you have anyone around for support right now?

How has today been for you?

[Mi]

Hi,
I'm also 24 years old. Although I'm not in the same situation I am suffering daily. I'm constantly anxious and been having major panic attacks daily (often a few a day). If you want to chat on the phone I'd be happy to talk to you, just drop me a private message. Where are you from? X

[lostbridget]

Thank you.
Today's been really tough and I'm struggling an awful lot. I'm terrified of not achieving anything with my life and seem to have got it in my head that I'll never have a job or amount to anything. I can't stop comparing myself to others and I feel like an absolute failure.
I was on medication before but I stopped it because it didn't really do anything but I think I'm going to go back on Monday and see about the possibility of trying something new. I can't handle feeling this terrified all of the time. I feel utterly worthless.

[nuttyknitter]

I feel a similar way but I feel most comfortable at work as it's the same daily routine. Outside of that I'm a wreck. I have a supportive boss n fiancé so I'm lucky.

[PanchoGoz]

Hi, sending some love! You'll get there, even if you feel hopeless at the moment, everything will be ok in the end, these states always pass in the end :)
I have two housemates doing their PGCE in primary schools. They are always telling me stories of the kids and the silly things they say. I helped one of them make lots of weaving patterns for her year 2's, they really love it. And although it's lots of work, they don't really suffer mentally and that's because they enjoy it and it's what they want to do, and also because they are distracted all the time by the job.
Being distracted is a huge part of overcoming this and although it seems like lightyears away that you would be able to manage it, we can get there with little steps and eventually you will be able to do it. Maybe you'll feel anxious and panicky at first, but then you'll be swept away by the excitement of they job.
So you've got a goal for the future - getting that PGCE. Keep your eye on the prize and your tired messy mind will have a light at the end of the tunnel on to glimpse in times of darkness.
Don't worry too much about suicidal thoughts - they are just thoughts and a verrrrry long way from actually planning or doing it. Maybe visualise them floating away on a cloud. And you are not a burden, a lot of people suffer as you do. This is somewhere you can feel a bit more normal :)
Do things you enjoy and can cope with for now, breathe your way through and know you will come to no harm. You will overcome this and look back on it one day.
A good place to start is a book called Self Help For Your Nerves. It's my bible!

Quick edit, I didn't notice there were another two pages on the thread so sorry if I haven't picked up on stuff in the later posts!
Best of luck.

[Istherehope?]

I'm sorry today has been one of the really tough ones. When I get to the end of those kind of days I tell myself that's a day I never have to do again. Talking to your GP sounds like a good idea, there may be a different medicine you can try and I know how hard it is to keep going when every moment is terrifying. It took me a while to get medication that helped, but now that I have, i feel much more hopeful and more like me again.

I wish I could convince you that you are of incredible value, but I know it's hard for you to believe right now. The illness is telling you a pack of lies about yourself and your future - it's how the illness works. But with each little step you are proving the illness wrong. This bit is excruciatingly hard for you but it will not always be like this.

[lostbridget]

Thank you all for your kind words. I just can't shake the feeling of constant fear and comparing myself to others. I've only just turned 24 but as soon as I did I felt so old and so far behind every one else my age. It won't go away and I feel so stuck.

[Istherehope?]

I'm sorry you've got constant fear - I know how awful that feels. The stuck feeling goes with this horrible illness too, our minds get trapped in ruminating over and over the same negative things. I was trapped in negative ruminating a few weeks ago but as medication has started to work I'm no longer in that pattern and even though the negative thoughts might come up they don't feel so awful and I can move on from them.

The reason I'm saying that is because I can totally empathise with how awful those comparisons feel right now but I truly believe that they can lose their power as you start to heal. Hopefully therapy will help that process and maybe medication if you decide to try it.

I'm 41 so if you compare with me you're only just starting out :)

[In A Rut]

Hi Bridget.
I claimed ESA for Anxiety & depression.
The Citizens Advice Bureau helped me with the forms & I was successful with my claim.
You are ill & should claim ESA. By claiming JSA, you would be saying you are 'fit for work' & you aren't.
Good luck.

[half-empty]

anxiety is a dark tunnel that the more you try/want to feel better the harder it becomes because your so fixated on your feelings and symptoms. ive suffered numerous times with bouts of anxiety all with different physical symptoms convinced myself time and time again that I was on deaths door! but honestly, the more you forget about it the better you feel. you need to occupy your mind with other things as best you can and I know how hard it can be but it does get easier hun, and remember, you really aren't alone in this, this forum is full of people that are going through the same and a great source of support:yesyes:

[lostbridget]

Thank you again. I'm taking all of your advice on board and it's helping a lot. I'm trying to change but it just won't stop. Today I can't even stop shaking and I've cried pretty much all day but I have no idea why!

[half-empty]

its just the anxiety hun, my doctor told me when your anxious you produce more adrenaline and the reason we cry when, happy, sad or scared is because the tear ducts are the fastest way out for all the extra hormones your body is producing. then she said sweat is another and I need to exercise and burn some off haha. I don't cry, ive tried and I cant, my anxiety leaves me in a numb state of fear really...sigh lol

[PanchoGoz]

That's really interesting - at the moment I'm crying a lot and waking up in the morning a sweaty betty, is this why?!

[lostbridget]

Really? That would explain a lot. I literally can't stop crying at the moment!