i need help

[kellym]

i cant take this anymore, i dont want to die but i cant see a way out, my partner says i am dilusional cosi have been making things up in my head and convincing myself that they have happened, i just keep thinking if i get myself run over then i can have a bit of head rest and not think anymore and the pain will take my mind off things i really have just got the urge to walk in the middle of traffic, why am i doing this to myself. i feel like nobody understands - my partner says i am not helping myself but i just cant what can i do who can help me?

[happyone]

kelly,
you do need someone to help. Can you go to your GP?
Try not to think so much about your thoughts, believe it or not they are normal with depression and/or anx. I know they feel really really scary, but keep on telling yourself 'they are just thoughts'
Are you receiving any help just now from GP or anyone. If not I really think you ought to go. They won't lock you up or anything, they will be understanding and sympathetic.
Trust me about the thoughts. I have some really bad ones very similar to yours, and I am still here.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I understand the wanting to give your head a rest, I feel that at times.
Your partner doesn't understand, he is not being bad. It is like toothache, if you don't have it you can't really understand what the other person feels. I do understand, honestly. It is not about not helping yourself, you cannot help the way you feel.
feel free to pm me if you want, but please if you haven't done so already, please see your GP.
I have similar feelings to yourself, but I am getting lots of support, not least, from the wonderful people on here. So keep on posting and get some support for yourself.
Happyone
x

[kellym]

Hi,

i am already on 40mg of Citalopram and i'm on the waiting list for CBT, even though i am on as a priority they said it could still take up to 3 months, i cant wait that long, i hate myself it is guilt that has got me here so why shoud anybody help me i am such a bad person and i deserve everything i get, people would be better off without me i am such a burden. im not sure how to pm never done it before.
thanks for replying
x

[happyone]

Right,
lets take this bit by bit. You are NOT a bad person. I don't know why you carry guilt, but depression magnifies it until it is HUGE.
Everything you say is symptomatic of depression. Go back to your GP, explain how bad you feel, ask to be put in touch with your local mental health team. They can give you someone to talk to. Don't hold back.
I am also on Citalopram, 60mg but also Chlopromazine which really help calm down the thoughts, but I am not sure if your doc can prexcribe them without a psychiatrists say so.
Everything you say is depression, NOT you talking. Trust me.
Happyone
xx

[kellym]

i only went to the doctors yesterday and he has just said that i have to wait for CBT. I am making things up in my head and thinking that they are real and that i have done something bad i keep thinking i must have done i must and all this started before i felt this low, im so scared cant cope with today let alone tomorrow

[happyone]

Ok, so the doc says you have to wait for CBT. Have you told the doc how bad you feel? Possibly speaking to someone inbetwen times such as a counsellor might help?
I started to receive CBT but was assessed as being 'too depressed, so at the moment I meet with a therapist (not sure if she is a psychology nurse or psychiatric, I think the former) once a week to discuss how life is in general and issues that are creating the depression for me in the first case. Without her to speak to I would be very similar to how you feel just now. Could you ask your doc if he'she can refer you to a local mental health team?
One thing I did learn from the CBT I had, is 'challenge your thoughts'
just because you think it, does not make it true.
Have a look at the OCD forum, lots of people think they have done bad things or that they will do. I do too, but as my mood improves, the thoughts lessen.
I do realise how hard it is for you right now, I really do. Trust me, take the day in pieces. This is the best advice I have been given on here, take the day a little bit at a time.
You are just caught in a vicious spiral hunny. You have bad thoughts, you feel low, your thoughts feel worse, you get in an anx state, your thoughts magnify, you feel lower, you get more anxious.
I have no miracle cure to straighten out this spiral but if we can just slow it down for a while it helps.
Try hard to believe it is all just thoughts and thoughts cannot hurt you no matter how bad they are. Even the worst thought in the world is just that, a thought.
Now, I need to go practise what I preach!
happyone
xx

[vernon]

Hi Kelly. It was nice to meet you the other night in the chat room you seem like a nice girl, Don’t ever think of walking in front of traffic or doing anything silly, this is temporary you will get better and be happy to be alive again, Believe me I have suffered on and off for most of my life and am now 58. I have had some real bad times but I think now when I look back the good things that have happened have outweighed them. My son Who is in the army had been to the Iraq war, then went a second time for 10 months, came home went to tour California and the next thing we get a phone call from Les Vegas saying he was hit by a car had lots of broken bones including his skull and bad brain damage, At the time they didn’t think he would last 24 hours, This was hell for us and all his family and friends, It was the worst thing that I had ever experienced. My wife and my passport were out of date and there was our son could die at anytime the furthest he could have been in USA from home. My son and daughter went over in turn to be with him and this cost £1000s but, money isn’t important when this type of thing happens. However he is much better now and goes to a rehab hospital near London from Monday to Friday and is home for weekends. He is lucky in a way as if he wasn’t a soldier he wouldn’t be able to afford this treatment. Its 12 months on he properly will not get back in the army and his mind is completely different to what he was, maybe he will never be the same person again, but thank god he is OK and happy enough in himself. This is why you should never do anything silly like that, it hurts so many people and you may end up worst than what you are now. I am a big believer in Affirmations, get some cards and write down things like I am healthy and well and am feeling good, and read and do it over and over it does help. Another thing that helps me is to read self help books, just a little at night say before you drop off to sleep. There are plenty of good self help books out there and they are pretty cheap, or even can be borrowed from the library. Hope you feel better soon and good luck with the CBT, Take care. Vernon

[Keitharcher]

Hi kelly

Seems like you having a bad spell at the the moment, it will get better I promise. Talk to people, talk on this site the people here will help and not ne judgemental. I know how you feel abot walking into traffic, I was in your shoes just over a year ago, then I came here and talked, soon I was able to put my life into perpesctive, to use an adgage, I stopped to smell the flowers. Pretty soon I wasnt sucidal anymore, then I started to see life as it is something lovely and cherisable. I now consider myself cured, and I know you can do the same thing, it just takes time and effort. Be good to yourself, you are important, you are worthwhile and you are also unique. Listen to the words of the people in the forum and in the chat room, remember they have been where you are and know what you are going through but more importantly can tell you how to handle things so that you like me can see a whole new perspecitive and get better. Be good to yourself and i hope you feel better soon

Keith