I have an appointment with a therapist

[.Poppy.]

If you check out my recent threads, you can see I've been struggling really badly at the moment. I'm rather terrified of the medication I've been taking, and have this compulsion to blame all my problems on it, but some piece at the center of me doesn't think that's really accurate -- I've had these problems before, they're just back because I have a trigger now to blame things on.

Anyway, I am just so scared and having trouble motivating myself to do much of anything really. If I absolutely HAVE to do something I will, but if there is any choice I can't find the strength to do it so I think I need help.

I haven't talked to my parents yet - they're supportive but I'm not good at opening up to them about this stuff and never have been - so I booked an appointment with a therapist at my school as I can see her without having to get their insurance (and consequently them) involved.

I'm absolutely terrified that she's not going to be able to help me or that she's going to think I'm being melodramatic - I don't know. I feel like I NEED to open up and be totally honest but have never really done that before and am introverted/shy so I know it's going to be really, really hard.

Any advice?

[Lucinda07]

This lady will have received thorough training and will not consider you melodramatic. She will be used to counselling young people & be patient & encouraging. Many of us are shy so please don't be afraid!

[Fishmanpa]

First off, it's absolutely awesome and brave to take these steps. Far too many don't IMO. Your anxiety doesn't want you to do this because it feels threatened so it's talking back to you telling you nonsense ;)

Go, just go. You'll do just fine I'm sure. Print out some of your threads to take along if you feel a bit inhibited.

Positive thoughts

[.Poppy.]

Thanks. I'm still terrified but it helps to know I'm taking one good step for once. I plan to let her know up front that I anticipate talking will be hard but that I really want to get it out (or try to). Hopefully there is some benefit.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Go for it, Poppy!

Don't be afraid to discuss things, they hear lots of things. These people are trained to listen to intrusive thoughts and they can be about very emotive subjects e.g. harming other (including the therapist), paedophilia, etc. So, if they are trained to handle all that, think how they can handle things which are important to you.

She will help you to talk, they are trained to get you through that stage. Write stuff down, even just bullet points, as it helps.

[GingerFish]

Good on you for taking the first step, you are on the right track :hugs:

Therapy can be scary. It took me about 10+ years to finally cave in and get therapy for severe OCD when I should have done it years before but I was in denial that I was that bad and like you, was worried I would be seen as a drama queen or something. The bets advice I can give you is, be 100% open with your therapist. The first few sessions will just be getting to know you so you don't have to spill absolutely everything then but still them the important things and be honest about how you are feeling and as the sessions go on, you will hopefully connect more with your therapist and talking will be easier and you'll notice an improvement in your condition.

Good luck with your appointment and remember we are all here too if you ever need anyone to talk to :)

[.Poppy.]

Thanks for all the support. I knew if she was half as supportive as you it would go well :)

The session itself had ups and downs, but even the downs were productive. The woman I saw was awesome. She actually has taken accutane (the medicine that is causing all my HA this go around) and knew about all the scary stories. She is also very well versed on health anxiety and just all-around supportive in general.

The "downs" (if you can call them that) is that she thinks I need to build up my support group. I've struggled with this anxiety for so long but really haven't told anyone in person because I didn't think I could handle it. She said she won't push me into doing anything, but she wants me to tell my parents so that they can support me and she wants me to talk to my GP. Partially because I told her my GP is great and can usually put my mind at ease, and also because she thinks I may benefit from medication, at least for a little while. I'm on the fence but she thinks it would be a good start.

She gave me a very detailed printout on anxiety and the by-products of anxiety, as well as a link for a CBT workbook for health anxiety.

Overall, she was just great. I'm meeting with her again next week. I felt a lot better when I was talking to her, now I'm kind of succumbing to my toxic thoughts again but I suppose it's a process.

I have no idea how to begin to talk to my parents though. This has been going on for SO long I think they'll be totally blindsided. I plan to talk to my mother, and I plan to email her this afternoon just priming her for what's to come but I have no idea how to even begin the email let alone the rest of the process.

[Fishmanpa]

I don't know the relationship you have with your parents but I will tell you that when my daughter came to me, I listened, was totally supportive and myself along with her mother (we're divorced) helped her to get help. I'm supportive and there to listen whenever my daughter needs me. She knows she has to do the work and it's an ongoing battle but she's taken positive steps and is doing great!

I hope the same thing happens when you speak to your folks.

Positive thoughts

[.Poppy.]

Fishmanpa - I plan to talk to my mother and I know she'll be supportive. I just don't know how to begin..."sorry ma, I've got a massive bombshell to drop on you tonight". I also don't want to make her worry. Plus it having been such a long time...I don't know how to explain why I didn't say anything earlier.

It's scary, that's for sure. All of it. Why is facing all this garbage, really facing it, so much scarier than the panic?

Your daughter is very lucky to have such support.

[Fishmanpa]

I can tell you exactly what my daughter said... She told me she needed to discuss something important concerning how she's been feeling.... She told me that she had been feeling anxious and depressed for many years and it's just getting too hard to deal with on her own and laid it out there. And to be honest, it wasn't that big of a bombshell. I have a feeling your parents have a gut feeling something is going on. I did.

Positive thoughts

[.Poppy.]

I just sent an email. I'm hoping she gets it before she goes home. I asked her if we could talk tonight.

I love my mom. She is kind and I know she'll be supportive. But I'm so scared. I've never really confided so much in person before. My mind is telling me I'm being dramatic, while at the same time telling me that I really have made myself sick and damaged beyond repair and no one can really help me anyway.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm glad you had a productive (and reassuring) session with your counsellor, Poppy. To be honest, I think the kind of worries you have been discussing on here recently (looks, career choice pressure) will be very common to her in your age group.

I hope all goes well with your mum. I remember you saying your dad is a big more gung-ho in trying to get things done and your mum is the one that slows things down to think about that. I think that's a good sign that she will take things in and get her head around them. (not saying that your dad won't either, just that your mum's approach is more measured & controlled so I expect she will want to spend time talking to you to understand as much as she can)

[Shazamataz]

Hi Poppy,

We haven't 'met' before but I just wanted to pop up and wish you all the best with talking with your Mum. I expect it will turn out to be such a relief to share your worries with her and have someone on your side.

It's great you have taken the step to see a counsellor. You are young and can get on top of it with help now. That's a great step forward!

Hugs

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, all.

Speaking to my mom went really well. She was actually pretty unaware of what had been going on (now and in the past) but was really kind about it and incredibly supportive.

Now I have about a million more steps to take - I have to talk to my doctor, have to talk to my derm, decide what I want to do in regards to medication, etc. etc. I've set the ball rolling, though, which is positive.

Probably the most frustrating thing right now is I have moments where I feel totally fine and can't believe I was so upset over "nothing" and then turn around and feel a twinge in my head or a glimpse in the mirror and it sets off an entirely new wave of panic. I'm kind of balancing between those two places right now.

[.Poppy.]

Hey all. I hope I don't get to be too much of an annoyance but I have two doctor's appointments and a therapy session this week and have found that writing my thoughts out is helpful. So, I wanted to share here.

Mentally right now I'm kind of all over the place. I've sort of set the wheels in motion in trying to deal with my GAD and HA (it's probably more HA right now so I probably should have put this in that forum...:blush:). I swing from really low to almost neutral and wonder why I'm even concerned in the first place. My fears being:
> I'm afraid of someone confirming my fears, telling me I have a right to be concerned.
> I'm equally afraid of being blown off. Being told I'm fine - both health wise and anxiety wise - and ultimately not getting much support leading to being forgotten about.
> I am embarrassed by my anxieties. I know I shouldn't be, yet I am.
> I have never talked about these things aloud before and it's been a LONG time -- so it's very difficult to get my feelings across accurately.
> I've also noticed that when I say things aloud they don't sound as "bad" as when they're circulating around my head, making me feel like maybe people don't totally understand my fears because once spoken they just seem silly.
> Finally, I feel selfish for asking for support when I know people have busy lives and stresses of their own.



Whew! Feels like a lot to contend with.


Anyway, I had a derm appointment yesterday (I go monthly because of the medication I'm on). I told her about my concerns: right now it's hair loss, particularly on my brows, and nausea. She assured me she didn't really see any brow loss and that it's normal to shed brows. She also said that nausea wasn't super common but it happens and can also be caused by the BC I have to be on - or potentially anxiety as well. I have another month of the med left to go and I hope it's worth it at the end. She did make me feel a bit better.

The funny thing about my HA is, I become so focused on such a specific thing that nothing else really enters my radar...until it does. For example, BC could be causing some of my symptoms but I'm not scared of that medication at all, even though with my migraine history it's probably the more risky drug for me. I've also had blood tests and have somewhat high cholesterol levels that aren't due to the medication - I do have a family history but am not overweight myself - but for some reason THAT doesn't scare me either. Maybe it will eventually, but not right now. Go figure.

I'm also majorly struggling with just tiredness right now. It's like I can't be bothered to deal with this though I know I have to. It's hard to say these things and hope for the best, necessary, but certainly difficult. And when I feel a little better I have major hate for myself for feeling low in the first place; then I feel low again....it's a nasty cycle.

I have a therapy appointment in about half an hour and an appointment with my GP tomorrow (I love him so know he'll be helpful but am embarrassed to go to him with these problems) to discuss whether or not I'll need medication. I'm nervous for both appointments, but again, feel they are necessary.

I just hope it's not all for nothing.

---------- Post added at 20:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:36 ----------

UPDATE: Just finished my therapy session. She was very kind and understanding, which was great - I really like the woman I'm seeing.

We went over a list of things I want to bring up with my doctor on Friday. My mind is still running circles around itself but I'm starting to feel like maybe I can confront this thing head on...or try to. :) We also talked about the online CBT I'm doing, which is pretty helpful so far. Not perfect, but I found it was even more helpful once I was able to talk over the topics with my therapist.

We're going to meet again next week and I can sign a release form if I want as well so that she can coordinate with my doctor if meds are explored, if need be.

I'll probably bother you all again after my doctor's appointment - it just really is helpful to write this down and get feedback from time to time. I've had this anxiety for so long but this is the first time I've really done anything about it, which is both scary and empowering. Which it's more of depends on the day. :blush: